I am having one of those days where looking in the mirror just let's me hear the voices in my head better.

They do not have nice things to say. I can't tell if I'm not getting enough sleep or if it's dread about meeting a woman tonight or if it's just hitting me badly today that someone I love isn't interested in me anymore. 

Or maybe I just need to complain, sometimes.

I wish

I had that thought on the way to work today:

"I wish..."

I do. I wish that my life hadn't come to this place. That she had been able to move forward with me, instead of without.

Then I stopped and realized: wishes aren't actionable. I am suffering because I want something that is utterly out of my possibility to do anything about.

The truth is that I am afraid. I am afraid because my life has become less known and more unknown and I don't know what to do about that. I am hurt because of an absence but that absence is a known thing. I want that absence to be amended because then at least I can go back to what is known.