Hm

A commenter at my blog tried to call me out for 'claiming to like (heavy) metal but afraid to use a public toilet'. 

So first: My claim to love heavy metal is in no way effected by my ability to piss somewhere. Second: I just wasn't going to use that toilet. 

But whatever. 

I got uncomfortably drunk at an event not that long ago. I mean uncomfortable in the sense that; I, personally, was unhappy with my level of intoxication. I kept getting free drinks and kept insisting (to myself) that I didn't need lunch because I was going home in just a second and...I ended up publicly drunk and I feel incredibly embarrassed about it. Telling a friend about it, they said, "Oh, you were that guy," which pretty much sums it up.

I am pretty certain that I didn't do anything I shouldn't, like fight or fuck anything along those lines that people would be angry at me for, so that is good. I took the bus there and home, so I wasn't a danger to anyone (beyond being absurdly drunk) but I got home and felt miserable for about an hour. Some rest and dinner helped a great deal but it wasn't fun to be home in front of the girlfriend and generally so out of whack that my brain was a sewer of self-loathing and sadness. 

I really have to remember to take better care of myself at these events. I don't get free beer very often but when I do, I tend to run a higher risk for going overboard. That's not good at all. 

On the upside, the times in my life when I will get free beer are pretty slim so hopefully if I just remember to eat I should be in pretty good shape. 

Need to work on this

I am still finding myself resisting bad ideas at work. 

But work is pretty much meaningless and if it makes the boss happy to waste money and do foolish things that I'm pretty sure will fail...hey, my ego can ignore it. And that's what I need to work on; recognizing when I can just leave my ego and put it towards concerns that matter.

Pattern Recognition

It's interesting to see how claims of algorithms that can predict what people might like or dislike can play out in realtime.

Let me rephrase this: looking at my FB feed, there are certain people who post the same damn thing all the time. One woman is really into Morrissey and her dogs. Another preaches against circumcision. One dude gets super defensive whenever anyone suggests that his constant posts about his band are boring people. Another has pretty routine (Sun-Mon) football posts. My uncle is certain that any liberal policy is evil (the 'Obama is blahblahblah', dude.) Rarely do they want to have a discussion.

It has lead me to a conclusion: People are fucking boring. We don't stretch our legs or minds, we don't try and experience the new, we cower safely in our havens of The Same. 

Which makes us predictable. Of course advanced math can tell us what we like; we always like the same thing. 

Worse, we're often mocked when our tastes change and this only encourages more of the same. Which, again, is fucking boring. I get it; you like Morrissey, you think Russell Brand is brilliant/a moron, liberal policies are lies that will lead America to armageddon, that you think your baby is super duper adorable and the best thing ever (which I will allow for 6 months no problem and then GET THE FUCK OVER IT, YOUR CHILD IS ONLY SPECIAL TO YOU) etc, etc. The exception to this would be actions: people who post about the races they engaged in, how their kid did well at the last B-ball tournament, an opinion on an activity they undertook. 

And just so nobody thinks that I'm holding myself above this: I am aware that I post about beer, heavy metal, videogames, and generally 'be excellent to each other' ideas, very, very frequently. I will read things about such and share them. 

It's one of my greatest fears though; not that I will repeat myself but that I will fail to advance as I repeat myself. 

The Devil & The Paycheck

The smell of sulfur fills the air.

"So...I hear you got paid. With a raise." Licks lips.

Well yes, I did! It's going to be so much..hey!

"Well, you did say you wanted to put more towards the house, right?"

Yes.

"And you need to start saving up again, after that whole furnace thing."

~narrows eyes~ I still don't know you didn't have something to do with that.

"hehe, Now, now, why would I tamper with such things? Where were we...oh yes. Look. Magic cards."

Hey, I've restructured the budget so that I'm actually spending less!

"Oh, that's adorable. I also see there's money towards pants, now."

But...all my other jeans are ruined. I need at least one more pair.

"Oh, certainly, we can't have you not wearing pants. Nor driving without insurance."

It's not my fault my car died. 

"But you just had to get a 'newer' one."

...

"Yes, so there's that increase. Heeey, did you know High On Fire is coming to town?"

C'mon, I haven't seen a concert in a year.

"I'm just saying. There's also that anniversary gift. And the Thanksgiving expenses: food, gas, oil changes, travel."

Those things keep me in sex and some form of happiness. Do you think I won't come down there and take over if you leave me sexless?

"A point made, however meaningless the threat. Ooooo, look at this! Internet. Beer supplies and blogging?"

HEY. You know the rule. No beer and no internet make Homer something something.

"Grrrr...I didn't negotiate that well. I suppose I should let you have the 'food' and 'water' thing too."

I'd appreciate that. So what do I have left?

"Left? Oh, yes. Left. Well there you go. Don't spend it all in one place."

Goddamnit.

"Remember, that's how you got in this jam in the first place."

Pairings

Yesterday I made an impromptu list of 'best' heavy metal bands:

Black Sabbath

Metallica-Dethlok (tie)

Judas Priest-Iron Maiden (tie)

It makes sense on initial gloss. There is no heavy metal without Sabbath. Metallica was the biggest heavy metal band in the world until Dethlok showed up (no death metal band, that I am aware of, has had an album debut in the top 30 on the Nielsen charts, and no metal band that I know of has a TV show.) Judas Priest and Iron Maiden made contributions both in style and sound that cemented heavy metal's place in the rock pantheon, as well as providing it with a tradition and template for how it's done. 

But there is something missing: Led Zeppelin. The honest truth is that Zeppelin is just as important as Sabbath to heavy metal. Bands like Tool and the Deftones come from what Zeppelin brought in, Soundgarden (despite their dislike of being included as a heavy metal band) is a heavy metal band because Zeppelin was one. 

Except they weren't. They were a hard rockin' band. Nevertheless, heavy metal needs that, because it needs bands like AC/DC (who influenced Slayer and Anthrax, amongst others.) 

And what it got me to thinking is how rarely there really is one thing at the top of a list. They don't speak of one great sci-fi author, they talk about Asimov, Heinlein, Sturgess, Clarke, Bradbury. Is Superman the first hero? Absolutely. Is he what he is without Batman, Wonder Woman or Spiderman? Nope. Think of Steve Jobs-Bill Gates (and even those two had equals and a supporting cast.)

I don't knock anyone's drive to be the best. Some people are-can legitimately claim that spot. Not many, though. But humans tend to do our best work as a collective; scientists standing on the shoulders of other scientists, men & women making discoveries at the same time (though sadly usually only one gets credit in the collective consciousness.)

Just something interesting. 

Cap Trailer

I so liked the final shot of this. 

And the reason is because it is exactly what the scene in Star Wars: the Phantom Menace had when Darth Maul shows up for the final battle: A villain who carries menace. 

3rd Time in 2 weeks

"We need to talk."

Which is going to happen tonight. I am uneasy. That's the worst of it: The unease that runs through the day like a virus.

It hopefully won't be that bad but here I am, waiting. 

(24 hrs later)

Yay, I feel worse. 

Going to get this off my chest and be done with it

1) Man of Steel was solid. It needed to end like this, however (spoilers for a movie that's 3 months old, you'll deal with it.)

Cuts between Superman, flying around Metropolis, a determined but sad look on his face, as he tries to repair damage and rescue people and Clark standing in front of his mom, head down, ashamed.

"I tried. I tried so hard and...there was just so much...I failed," he says, looking at his mom. 

Cut to, X-ray vision catches people underneath the rubble of a building. Close-up: heartbeats! Back to Smallville

Ma Kent hugs him, like moms do, and says "You did everything you could. Everything. And next time, you'll do it better."

She pulls back from him, smiles, "You will do your best. That's all I ever asked of you. It's all your father ever hoped for."

"Your best will always be good enough for us."

Cut to darkness, then rumbling and light as a debris is pulled up and a blinking, huddling group looks up to see Superman holding debris up with one hand, other reaching for them.

"My name is Superman. I'm here to help."

END

And it needed to be this way because that's what Superman should be here to do.

2) Ben Affleck is going to be good as Batman---as good as the material will allow him to be. If he sucks, it will be because the person who writes the movie doesn't get it.

That is all.

Just once

I would like the "We have to talk," phrase to lead into something awesome.

But instead, it was about unhappiness and being overwhelmed and not having enough money and it all came at a time when I pretty much felt like crap. Most of the time, this bounces off me but this time it has stuck. It is a difficult thing to be told that you are found unattractive 'right now'. 

I can hear it in my brain and I need to let it pass. 

FY$

Facebook is making me depressed these days. Well, I suppose a few things are. I recently said, "When people do awesome things, I want to give them money. Oh. Wait. Nobody wants to give me money."

And yeah, that was a joke but it made me feel very glum. I'm in need of more money. Not even a lot, but more, nonetheless. Enough to have Fuck You money (FY$) instead of just Oh Shit money (OS$). It's not even as though I have much OS$. I am having to scrape by every month and it's just no fun. 

Which leads me to the next problem: getting money is about doing work. And I don't have work that I "love" and expect to get paid for, so I just work. Work that I don't get paid enough for might be OK, if I loved it. 

So now I have to find better paying work. This forces me to care about something I don't really give a shit about; Money. Don't get me wrong, I want enough money. But that's all I need; enough. There isn't a passion project for 'enough'. 

I am explaining this badly. Essentially; it would be best to be enthusiastic about your work. But I don't care about work, I care about all the other things; friends and games and writing and beer. And I need money to support my interactions with those other things. So I have to screw up enough gumption to give a shit about something I don't to try and find "better" work. A process that generally leads to being told "no, we don't want you."

So I have to try and rev myself up for rejection, all to acquire something I don't care about (better work) so that I can hopefully get enough money to have FY$, so I can do the things I DO care about. 

21st Century Blues

I generally miss having people to interact with. Work is...just there, these days and when I go on Facebook all I can think of is; I have nothing to say to these people. Nothing that matters, anyway. 

It is a lame feeling, to look for work and feel as though you would not be considered for anything. This is not unlike when I was a teenager, and every woman I looked at was sure to have nothing to do with me. I dunno why that viewpoint changed but the one about work does not. 

I recently said to someone 'When people do something awesome, I want to give them money. Oh, dear. Nobody wants to give me money.'

And it's a nice joke but the truth is that the world only cares about what it can get from you/what you can do and....I'm not sure that I can do much that is useful. It isn't too late to learn something useful but what to learn? I don't really want to do it by myself. I like taking on things with people. 

Which is weird. But there it is. 

Failing at being awesome

Once again, I have fixed something at work and I have no idea how that works. It's just fixed. 

I now understand why I continue to be employed in jobs like this. It is not a good thing. I cannot afford to learn another skill and I cannot gain enough money to support me whilst I do such a thing. 

I hope that things change for the better. 

900

I'm kind of stunned we hit 900 posts.

Currently, I'm letting option paralysis keep me from getting a Magic deck ready to play tomorrow. Modern event and I am afraid of going to a competition because I haven't done it and I will likely suck.

...later...

The Magic event has now happened. I went 1-2, and the losses went to 3 games. Not so bad.

On Being Present

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syR_NinJ2B0&list=UUVpankR4HtoAVtYnFDUieYA&index=3

Mandatory minimum

I got an email response for a job today, an automated inform telling me that I met the minimum standard for a position and as a result had been moved along the line for consideration. Also: that this may be the last I hear about this job. 

So yay. I met the minimum. This is not going to be some rant about 'lowering the standards'. There doesn't seem to be any point to doing that.

It just feels disheartening to know that I met a minimum. Maybe it shouldn't but it does. I don't feel proud of myself or as though I'm accomplishing something, I just feel lame. 

Iron Man 3 spot

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/60736

Here's the thing: Shane Black is in charge of this one. 

Shane Black is awesome.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000948/?ref_=sr_1

So I expect that this one will be the film that gets everything right. 

Fav moment

From last night's Daily Show.

A: In modern combat the lines are blurred from what the front lines are and what could be considered a safe zone.
Q: Do they even call it the front lines anymore?
A: They do not.
Q: What do they call it then?
A: Afghanistan.

Hooooly shit. I so do not want to ever be in combat.

Glacial

I finally get to quit saving for a new car. Extra $100 a month in my pocket! It's like a raise, since there is no raise coming from work. 

Except. Tax evaluation on the house means the rent is going up $75/mt. Work is going to ask us to contribute to heath care to the tune of $9/mt. Cable bill goes up $5/mt (with the very, very rich excuse of 'With the economy going the way it is we need to raise our rates' I got when I called to ask about that.)

So about $11 a month now. Which isn't nothing, I guess. But it's still depressing. 

Ze Frank Friendship video

For not losing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bklA2oPVKUU

Awesome

I've been trying to figure out how to say this succinctly for years. NSFW language. 

Fall of Cybertron review

There is a great deal to like about the new Transformers game: the environments are more varied so it looks more colorful than the last one, the controls are just as sharp as the previous game and the characters are dead on.

I like the setup: the player takes over a new character every two missions or so, and each character has a different special skill and transforming mode. It's almost like playing a series of mini-games, in the context of a larger story. 

And High Moon should definitely be praised for giving these characters lines and actions that feel like the characters. Not just the characters from the cartoon: it is clear to any fan that information from the comics and even the tech specs went into filling out the characters and I really appreciate it. As a child, it bothered the hell out of me that the cartoon evoked caricatures when I knew that these were complicated robots.

I know, I know. 

The rest of the game is very polished too: every gun does something different, upgrades seem to matter, enemy AI is a little predictable but not bad. The terrain seems to matter: all in all there is a lot to like! I've even started getting into the multiplayer aspect and that's been something I've enjoyed too, although I haven't seen a tutorial and that might've been helpful, explaining why some things are important/useful. 

The only real flaw in the game is the story. This is a real bummer, because the characters are well executed and the dialog is well written but...

Spoilers ahead:

Grimlock is meant to be the heart of this story: he and his team have been tortured and changed, so it is through him that we, the audience, should feel most connected to, because he wants revenge. None of the other characters have an arc: they are who they are. Grimlock and the rest of the Dinobots provide an opportunity to let non-Transformers fans in and empathize with this character who has had a wrong done to him and wants revenge.

The problem is, we don't meet Grimlock until after he's been changed. We don't know what he's lost or gained, we just know that he feels 'different'. One of the members of his team is dead but since we never meet him we don't feel that loss. I felt bummed, because I liked that character but anyone else coming into the series won't know who Sludge is. 

Similarly, we don't know what Grimlock lost. Swoop is enthusiastic about the change but Grimlock, you can tell just by tone, is not excited. Credit to the voice actor there, he did a great job conveying Grimlock's state of mind. However, because we meet Grimlock at the low, we don't see how he has fallen and it's more difficult to feel awesome when he finally confronts Shockwave.

Worse, there's no contrast between him and Optimus. There needed to be an opportunity to demonstrate how their relationship is similar to the Megatron/Starscream dynamic. By the time Fall of Cybertron is over, we know Megatron is a better leader because he's not as concerned with personal vanity as Starscream is. 

But in the case of Grimlock, we get a vindication of him over Optimus. Grimlock is right about the energon reserves and he makes Optimus's decision to flee the planet look bad. The consequences of leaving his post to find these reserves never fall on Grimlock's head because there's never a moment where Optimus and Grimlock really have it out--and one of the times to do that is before Grimlock is changed, so we can see what he's lost  even when he was correct because he disobeyed orders from Optimus, who was (or is shown to be) right.  

I probably care way too much about this, and it's a story flaw in a really good game. 

Multiple ironies, I'm sure

Had my Dad tell me yesterday that my critique of another person's parenting decisions didn't hold as much weight because I wasn't a parent.

Coming from one of the three people most responsible for my decision to never have children, there is at least a certain level of irony there. And while there are things I probably won't understand because I'm not a parent, I still have a set of values that informs me how I feel people, even tiny people, should be treated.