Overheard

Came home last night and ended up overheard a conversation I wasn't supposed to. Something about dating advice, and it's clearly going well (for her). 

I feel lost and stupid and broken. Unloved. It's like that bit in Fight Club where Jack complains about his apartment exploding: "I may not have had much, but at least I had that couch settled."

Of course, that is why it hurts, I suppose. That pervasive sense of not being good enough. That unanswerable "why?" to give me the root cause that has led me to this place. 

Fuck it, let's go to Dallas this weekend.

From Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk-Ben Fountain

"...but overlying all the small, petty, stupid, basically foreordained fuckups looms the ever-present prospect of the life-fucking fuckup, a fuckup so profound and all-encompassing as to crush all hope of redemption." 

That's it. That is the thing I am most scared of. The thing I cannot be redeemed for. 

This is very hard, considering the point of life is to fail until success. 

Haiku 11 +

You expanded my 

Heart but then could not think of

How to fill the space



It hit me yesterday that I have to forgive her. For not knowing how to face her shadows, for hunkering down for safety, for taking a sledgehammer to our lives when all else failed. 

I have to forgive myself, for being too confrontation-adverse. I don't know what else I could have done. 

I'm scared of what's coming. I don't want to move and I don't want it because, on top of moving fucking sucking, everything else is shifting and the one constant I have is knowledge of where my head will rest.

I don't know what else I have to do. I do know I have to forgive her, so that I can forgive myself. 

blah blah blah

So this depresses me: http://www.polyspeeddatingpdx.com/

The ache in my side is sharp today. I had a realization on my way to work today that I didn't want to be loved, right now. 

That's a pretty bleak way to start your Tuesday.

Haiku 10

I wept in response

Overwhelmed by the question

What do I do now?

Sigh

Sometimes it's very difficult knowing
how goddamn replaceable
You are.