I was thinking about giving away my GC

But now I don't know that I can.

I have very few holdovers from my childhood. In part becauyse so many of them have been shat upon in one way or another.

It's not inherently a bad thing; it's a sign from the universe that I should move on from childhood things and find something new (read: pornography and heavy metal. {I'm all grown'd up now!!!!11!!!}).

However, when something comes along that does the things I loved as a young one right, I find it hard to resist or ignore those things.

Maybe it's not worth fighting-if it's good, then why not just enjoy it? It's not like there isn't more than enough suck out there.

Horoscope

I don't often dig on the Horoscope, but this one is from the Onion:
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.

Fuck it. Sounds like a plan.

Thanks Fuz

Before you clicky the linky!
Know that the site you're going to is an anti-gay marriage site.

Let me just say that they have failed to convince me how great marriage is.

What I'm Not Good At

I have a date tonight. I'm doing my best to think good thoughts about this, to see the positive, the potential. Yesterday, when I hooked up the rendezvous, I was rather impressive. I find it unlikely that this will carry over. Change of environment = change of behaviors. Yesterday the environment was in my favor. Today, probably not so much.

This is suckitude.

UPDATE: Date has been postponed. I am secretly relieved.

Sure it's bogus. So what?

I mean really. What Xtreme kid today can resist the military if they're making urban combat skateboards?

I'm an uncle. Again.

Just got word that my sister has had her baby, a boy, 8lbs and some odd oz. and about 21 inches. Or something like that.
Point is; everyone is fine.
Good stuff, eh?

Blogging Is Hardish

Sometimes I feel guilty about having a blog. If I feel like writing I often don't have anything particularly interesting to write. If I have something interesting to write about I usually don't have any desire to write. I literally had this realization just a few seconds ago and it helps me feel better about myself as a blogger to have that explanation.

It is true that I could sit down and make myself write when I don't feel like it, but this isn't school or a job so the only consequences are that I don't post. Nobody is going to be overly concerned that I'm not working towards my blogging potential.

By nature I've never been one that felt the need to speak. I generally only speak if I feel I have something worthy to contribute. It helps to have a conversation worth contributing to.

I remember sitting around the lunch table during my Junior year of high school with my peers. People chatted away and I very rarely had anything to say. The conversation was asinine and not worthy of commentary, but as an adolescent there was that sense of being left out, of being socially inferior, of being alone. My Senior year I finally found people that I connected with, and then in a flash it was over.

In conclusion I find that having a blog gives me a forum when I want it. It's a place for me to connect with a couple old friends that I rarely get to see. It's also allowed me to meet a couple new people, and it's introduced me to a few people that I feel like I've met. So, it's been worthwhile, even if I don't always feel that the content justifies it.

yesterday

Did a lot of things yesterday. Thanks to everyone who helped or contributed or whatever whatever whatever.
From my journal-the physical one:

"Maybe this is what birthday's should be for. A positive reckoning of good stuff. I don't want to feel this happy all the time. Life is life, not joy induced by some bizzare pleasure seeker."

Nah, I don't know exactly what it all means either, but I had a good day.

Huh?

I can't prove it, of course. But I may have just been asked out.
No. No, sorry. I'm all wrong. It's just a coworker wondering if I'd attend a concert w/her.
Whew. Women are very confusing.

Smart peeps

I am curious as to your thoughts.

First: we have this story about a judge ordering Google to turn over records of what people have searched for. The good news: the gov't has substancially 'narrowed' their request parameters. The bad news: it still might friggin' happen.

I view this as an invasion of privacy. The internet is, amongst other things, a giant libarary, and nobody should be able to find out what I'm reading or researching unless I want to tell them. This whole movement by the Chimperor's people is being done 'for the children' of course; the gov't insists they want to hunt down child pornographers-which I'm all for. However, I don't want them using drift nets to do it.

I go into the Fark thread because it's good to get different perspectives. There's the usual: 'If you've done nothing wrong you have nothing to fear' bullshit that is always spouted by white boys who have never had the system turn on them, and then there was a comment about how Google was stupid for keeping records in the first place.

I don't necessarily agree with this; I could see how this information might be used in a business sense, a way for Google to basically pay the bills, but I can't get that clear in my head. Perhaps the audience will have thoughts? Nonetheless, since the internet isn't run by the public, like libraries are (if you take my meaning), some data is going to have to be collected soas to turn a profit.

Slightly downthread, however, was a posting for Clusty, a search engine that has a privacy statement. Which I think is pretty cool. (Whether or not they actually follow that statement is another matter, but for the time being, let's assume they do.) The question is; can it really equal Google's searching power? Because that's really what it's about; finding what you want in a short period of time.

I must ask though, does it even matter? Doesn't Google have such a meme-presence now that people will just use Google even if they shouldn't because that's what they've always used? It certainly feels like that.

Then again, I'm a Mac user, so there's obviously room in any given market for some kind of competition. In addition, it doesn't seem like Google is taking this lawsuit lying down; I honestly believe it will go to the Supreme Court. However, given the Supreme Court's makeup these days, I have little faith that a right to privacy would be protected there. Even former SCJ's feel the things have shifted in a bad way.

Thoughts?

Humility

One thing I did w/my money was give to Habitat for Humanity as recommended from the Bunch blog.

I don't say this publically for kudos. I say this publically because while I often think of and give to homeless organizations here in Portland, I 'forgot' about the effects of hurricane Katrina, and how they are still trying to overcome from a massive blow to them, in every sense of the word.

And I'm a bit ashamed at that. I understand that I'm not responsible for remembering every good cause, or even contributing to them, but I didn't even consider giving to something that wasn't local.
And Katrina hit what, 8 months ago? Maybe less, maybe a little more?

Jesus. I often think that I'm smarter than the average bear, and I remember history and keep in mind that people often take a long, long time to recover from bad things that happen to them. That recovery from damage only comes when help is given-freely and with a clear heart. So to be so oblivious is a sharp repremand to my...uh righteousness.

So I guess what I am doing is apologizing.
From the 13th Warrior
"For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness."

In the future, I'll try to be more attentive. Maybe not to the entire world, but at least congnizant of more of it.

$624

This is the amount of my tax return.

I’m in the enviable position, this year, of not needing this money. A small portion will be donated (via my usual outlets) to charities that serve the homeless. Everything else is really taken care of: retirement accts: check. Bills paid: check. Figure I’ve got about $550 left over.
So it’s time to treat myself! I’m going to get…

Well, shit. The best I can come up with at this point is a PS2 version of Resident Evil 4. So I can play the alternate story.

That’s kinda lame. I’m just really, really bad at buying gifts for myself. I’ve got a birthday coming up and everything, so I can pretty much justify buying whatever crazy shit I want. I just don’t seem to want that much. (Not that theThunder 1M isn’t cool, I just don’t need it.)

So I turn to the blog. Suggestions, anyone? I’m cashing Unkle Sam’s check today.

Cultural Conspiracy

Anyone remember a few years back, when we had the summer of 'Astroid hits Earth' movies, but in the months just prior to that, we had all kinds of stupid media stories about how some kind of celestial object was/could/may have/what's your definition of 'is' hit the Earth?
Or the summer or so after that, when there were all kinds of reports about Mars, strangely enough before a year of movies involving either Mars and/or alien invasion?
I always felt there had to be some kind of conspiracy out there, pushing such crap upon the populace, in a valiant attempt to get the public to pay attention to shit that was...well, shit, for far longer than they would ordinarily, and perhaps suck an extra half-million from Joe/Jane Moron. I based this on no real science, just observation and years of cynicism. Hell, look out into bloggerland and see the vast amounts of focus we as a people (not us obviously, because we're too damn smart here) put into the latest nimrod concept.
So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the next thing to assault our senses; it is advised that if you have weak stomachs, or just don't want to spend the rest of the week wishing the Black Death to return, or perhaps you wear, like myself, the tinfoil lined hat, that you not continue on from here.
In the news: Snakes. On a plane.
Somebody should make a movie!

Insignifigance

Hmmm.
I don't know that I should post.
But I feel like writing. That I don't have anywhere to write-this is its dilemna.
But there's something in my noggin, inspired by the usual substances, that wants to have it's run of the universe.
Or play RE 4, which I can't do.
But I don't want to post at the http://a.bunchof.us/ block, 'cause then everyone knows I'm a user.

smells like 1988

The Cult, yes… that The Cult, are were on Craig Ferguson tonight.

Weird.

Daredevil

I just very quickly want to give a 'Hell yeah' to the latest issue of Daredevil. The last creative team ended the series in a place that would be difficult for many-the continuity clock was not reset, our hero was not put back into his life as though nothing had happened, with liberty and justice for all.

Like it or not, the last run of Daredevil focused more on the lawyer than the hero. As a result, the series had a more humanistic bent; less fighting, more character dynamics. And, as a consequence of this, the end of the series did not come with a huge fight scene (although there was one hell of a knockdown) but in the courtroom-and with Matt Murdock being sentenced to prison.

The new creative team (writer Ed Brubaker and artist Michael Lark) start there, and they hit the ground running. My complaint at this point is that there seems to be 'overcorruption'; it seems that not only the guards, but the administrators-hell, everyone except Murdock is somehow tainted. It will be interesting to see how this plays out, though; I have great faith in Brubaker as a writer (he's always been good-Sleeper is one of the best reads you could ask for in the superhero/superspy genre. Yes, I know) and Lark is handling the art chores quite fluidly.

So I'm sticking with it.

A.Ho's Music Highlights (Episode 1)

Link

On Kindness

Aaron's last post make me wonder-how does one be kind?

This is going to be a little convoluted, so I'll do the best I can.

I was very, very angry as a young lad. The universe was unfair, and I was desperate with rage at this fact. This condition was made worse by the fact that people who should've been tipping the scales to balance, were not doing so. I decided to become an asshole, mostly because that way I'd be harder to damage.

Somewhere along the line, in high school, or more likely early college, I just got tired of being pissed off all the time. I decided to try and still be me-honest, good friend, resolute-without alienating everyone who came around me. Being angry seemed futile, and accomplished little. The universe-and the morons in it-weren't going to change. I had to change.

But, since I'd been fucked with and raised by people who loved me, and was around people who cared for me, my change was to be more compassionate towards everyone else, or at least to try and be more compassionate towards others. It's not easy, but it seemed better than being angry. Mostly, it is better than being angry.

Except. Except now I'm depressed. What did I do with the fire inside? I shut it off. It did not serve a purpose, I felt, so I clamped the bellows and let the forge go cool. And now I don't exactly know what to do.

Anyone who's been around me when I've gone on a rant-especially when buzzed-has seen that my anger at the universe for not being right-or fair-is not dead. Oh no. But I don't know what to do with it now. And when I don't know what to do with it, the anger cools, and sinks to the bottom of my consciousness, and eventually weighs me down.

It's been said I should be a teacher, or perhaps a therpist. Those professions do seem interesting, I'll confess. Something where I'm involved in helping people (to learn, to get better), or able to unleash some righteous vengeance (anything involving the destruction of self-important neocons) feels like a better thing than just punching keys all day. But I don't do those things. I don't know how, and I'm...more than a little concerned that I'm not good at them, even when I do know what I'm doing.

Kindness, I think, is a default for me, but anger is also a default setting for me. My OS is all fucked up. But when I see A. talk about needing to be more kind, I wonder if I'm really missing something here, because this is a man who has reminded me, on more than one occasion, to be open to the struggles of others. Others whom I do not want to be open to. I am not trying to minimize his goals to be a better man, nor say: Ah, you're fine, don't do that. I just wonder what I'm missing when someone who I feel is kind, does not feel he's done enough. Makes me think that I've got a long, long way to go.

The flip side of this is; I need to do something with my anger. I don't want to be fucking depressed. I don't need the weight of anger gone wrong. I need to honor it, use it appropriately, so I can move on. Not every situation can be handled by mere mortals with simple kindness. I just don't know how to work that out, yet.

May I buy you a Coke? May I teach you to sing?

I needed something to post about and Kerry's post on resolutions has sparked the topic.

I started a resolution in Nov/Dec as a warm up for the coming New Year. I couldn't remember the last time I'd made a resolution or any time that I actually thought about it beyond January 2^nd, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. My resolution at that time was to turn off the PC and TV by 11pm. This would allow me to wind down and go to sleep. I knew that without cathode ray stimulation I would actually feel tired and go to bed, otherwise I was liable to stay up until 1, 2, or 3AM. Being that I regularly need to be out of bed for work anytime between 4 & 6 AM this was not beneficial. That lasted for a couple weeks, not even into the New Year, and even now it is midnight. I haven't given up, I just need to recommit.

The other resolution I came up with right around Christmas time was that I needed to read more. Specifically, well mostly, fiction. I know that there are stories that I should read. The goal started as one book every pay period (2 weeks). Not wanting to set myself up for failure I modified it to one book per month, then I modified it to 6 books for the year. That is roughly 3x as many books as I finished reading in 2005.

But these resolutions are really just pet resolutions, habits I should develop. The resolution that means the most is to be more kind. Quite simply, I'm a mean son of a bitch.

(Insert smiley face.)

It boils down to this: I want to develop a greater kindness and patience in those moments when kindness wants to bail, when it begs to step aside to make way for rudeness and anger. Kindness is one thing I know I can do that makes a real change in the world. The effects are not measurable but they are important to me.

Stupid Bowl

First off I'll link to The Goat's post regarding this abhorrent travesty. He's provided plenty of interesting links.

I think this game should've been much different, and that's not to say that the Seahawks would've won, but that terrible calls certainly changed the course of it. The Seahawks didn't do so well in the second half, and it would've been great to see them overcome the lemons thrust upon them, but the momentum and morale of the second half was marred by the calls in the first. I feel they were robbed of the opportunity to show what they could do, even if they lost, it could've been a tighter more nail biting experience.

I'm not a really big sports guy and I've never been a real fan of any particular NFL team, but after this game my allegiance lies squarely with the Seattle Seahawks. Through good times and bad they are now MY team.