Wednesday, December 17

Reformat

The house is going to be sold. That much is certain.

I need a way to reframe my future so that it becomes something I look forward to again, and I don't know how. I am underpaid with a future I do not want. I don't have an idea of what to make a change toward and I am so tired of me.

I'm cold. Time for bed.

Saturday, August 23

Why giving advice sucks

Whilst helping someone else going through a breakup, I thought:

I got the relationship I wanted. I was with one of my best friends.

And it didn't work out.

What the fuck am I going to do with THAT?

Wednesday, August 13

Potential

Saw Guardians of the Galaxy last night and it was pretty good, even with the couple behind me who had the 3yo girl with them. She occasionally exclaimed 'That was tight!' 

As I drove home, I felt the cry of the old fears, 'what are you going to do?' and I had no answer. I cried a little. I have been set aside and I am mourning not only the relationship that was, but the one I had hoped we would enjoy in the future. 

Time runs out on everything. 

I don't know what I am going to do, and it frightens me. I don't know what my relationship with my friend is going to be like and that worries me. I just don't know things I thought I had a sense of and coupled with just being sad, it's a grind.

Tuesday, August 12

I see anger at Robin Williams' death and I think:

It's interesting how complicated and seemingly paradoxical people can be, isn't it?

For example, one can feel unnecessary anger at someone you never met for being crushed under a burden you never had to carry. 

While still feeling immensely sad that someone who was a stranger and gave you joy is no longer with us.

These responses, they are always about us. If, perhaps, they were about the person in question, maybe things would be different. 

Thursday, July 31

Gonna learn quick, though

"...well go hiking again. But not as tough as last time; my ass hurt for three days after."

"Well, shit; what's the point of having a boyfriend if you can't get your ass massaged?"

"Oh, that happened. Along with other things that hurt my ass."







....I am not a very smart man.

Wednesday, July 30

Even After All This

I still want to kiss her goodbye in the mornings.

This is the grind. This is why she wants to move out and why I need to accept that and prepare. She knows I still love her and I have to deflate the area she took in my life somehow so...

Monday, June 30

I am having one of those days where looking in the mirror just let's me hear the voices in my head better.

They do not have nice things to say. I can't tell if I'm not getting enough sleep or if it's dread about meeting a woman tonight or if it's just hitting me badly today that someone I love isn't interested in me anymore. 

Or maybe I just need to complain, sometimes.