Monday, June 30

I am having one of those days where looking in the mirror just let's me hear the voices in my head better.

They do not have nice things to say. I can't tell if I'm not getting enough sleep or if it's dread about meeting a woman tonight or if it's just hitting me badly today that someone I love isn't interested in me anymore. 

Or maybe I just need to complain, sometimes.

Monday, June 2

I wish

I had that thought on the way to work today:

"I wish..."

I do. I wish that my life hadn't come to this place. That she had been able to move forward with me, instead of without.

Then I stopped and realized: wishes aren't actionable. I am suffering because I want something that is utterly out of my possibility to do anything about.

The truth is that I am afraid. I am afraid because my life has become less known and more unknown and I don't know what to do about that. I am hurt because of an absence but that absence is a known thing. I want that absence to be amended because then at least I can go back to what is known.


Tuesday, May 27

Overheard

Came home last night and ended up overheard a conversation I wasn't supposed to. Something about dating advice, and it's clearly going well (for her). 

I feel lost and stupid and broken. Unloved. It's like that bit in Fight Club where Jack complains about his apartment exploding: "I may not have had much, but at least I had that couch settled."

Of course, that is why it hurts, I suppose. That pervasive sense of not being good enough. That unanswerable "why?" to give me the root cause that has led me to this place. 

Fuck it, let's go to Dallas this weekend.

Tuesday, May 20

From Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk-Ben Fountain

"...but overlying all the small, petty, stupid, basically foreordained fuckups looms the ever-present prospect of the life-fucking fuckup, a fuckup so profound and all-encompassing as to crush all hope of redemption." 

That's it. That is the thing I am most scared of. The thing I cannot be redeemed for. 

This is very hard, considering the point of life is to fail until success. 

Wednesday, May 14

Haiku 11 +

You expanded my 
Heart but then could not think of
How to fill the space



It hit me yesterday that I have to forgive her. For not knowing how to face her shadows, for hunkering down for safety, for taking a sledgehammer to our lives when all else failed. 

I have to forgive myself, for being too confrontation-adverse. I don't know what else I could have done. 

I'm scared of what's coming. I don't want to move and I don't want it because, on top of moving fucking sucking, everything else is shifting and the one constant I have is knowledge of where my head will rest.
I don't know what else I have to do. I do know I have to forgive her, so that I can forgive myself. 

Tuesday, May 6

blah blah blah

So this depresses me: http://www.polyspeeddatingpdx.com/

The ache in my side is sharp today. I had a realization on my way to work today that I didn't want to be loved, right now. 

That's a pretty bleak way to start your Tuesday.

Monday, May 5

Haiku 10

I wept in response
Overwhelmed by the question
What do I do now?