Wednesday, January 28

Put Up Or Shut Up

So she says to me, she says (in response to hearing about my romantic situation) 

"one option would be to fuck your way through it, distracting enough (not with me)."

Yeah, EVERYONE thinks I should be fucking my way through it, but just so long as I don't do it with THEM

To hell with that. This is why we have the Year of Questionable Decisions policies. To guide me when in doubt, so that my behavior is honorable. If someone decides to have sex with me, I make sure they know what they're getting into. So that I put myself in situations where I'm minimizing harm.

So I've got my shit taken care of. You? How about you keep your stupid advice, until such time as you want to actually follow through with it. 

Wednesday, December 17


The house is going to be sold. That much is certain.

I need a way to reframe my future so that it becomes something I look forward to again, and I don't know how. I am underpaid with a future I do not want. I don't have an idea of what to make a change toward and I am so tired of me.

I'm cold. Time for bed.

Saturday, August 23

Why giving advice sucks

Whilst helping someone else going through a breakup, I thought:

I got the relationship I wanted. I was with one of my best friends.

And it didn't work out.

What the fuck am I going to do with THAT?

Wednesday, August 13


Saw Guardians of the Galaxy last night and it was pretty good, even with the couple behind me who had the 3yo girl with them. She occasionally exclaimed 'That was tight!' 

As I drove home, I felt the cry of the old fears, 'what are you going to do?' and I had no answer. I cried a little. I have been set aside and I am mourning not only the relationship that was, but the one I had hoped we would enjoy in the future. 

Time runs out on everything. 

I don't know what I am going to do, and it frightens me. I don't know what my relationship with my friend is going to be like and that worries me. I just don't know things I thought I had a sense of and coupled with just being sad, it's a grind.

Tuesday, August 12

I see anger at Robin Williams' death and I think:

It's interesting how complicated and seemingly paradoxical people can be, isn't it?

For example, one can feel unnecessary anger at someone you never met for being crushed under a burden you never had to carry. 

While still feeling immensely sad that someone who was a stranger and gave you joy is no longer with us.

These responses, they are always about us. If, perhaps, they were about the person in question, maybe things would be different. 

Thursday, July 31

Gonna learn quick, though

"...well go hiking again. But not as tough as last time; my ass hurt for three days after."

"Well, shit; what's the point of having a boyfriend if you can't get your ass massaged?"

"Oh, that happened. Along with other things that hurt my ass."

....I am not a very smart man.

Wednesday, July 30

Even After All This

I still want to kiss her goodbye in the mornings.

This is the grind. This is why she wants to move out and why I need to accept that and prepare. She knows I still love her and I have to deflate the area she took in my life somehow so...