Saw Guardians of the Galaxy last night and it was pretty good, even with the couple behind me who had the 3yo girl with them. She occasionally exclaimed 'That was tight!'
As I drove home, I felt the cry of the old fears, 'what are you going to do?' and I had no answer. I cried a little. I have been set aside and I am mourning not only the relationship that was, but the one I had hoped we would enjoy in the future.
Time runs out on everything.
I don't know what I am going to do, and it frightens me. I don't know what my relationship with my friend is going to be like and that worries me. I just don't know things I thought I had a sense of and coupled with just being sad, it's a grind.
I am having one of those days where looking in the mirror just let's me hear the voices in my head better.
They do not have nice things to say. I can't tell if I'm not getting enough sleep or if it's dread about meeting a woman tonight or if it's just hitting me badly today that someone I love isn't interested in me anymore.
I do. I wish that my life hadn't come to this place. That she had been able to move forward with me, instead of without.
Then I stopped and realized: wishes aren't actionable. I am suffering because I want something that is utterly out of my possibility to do anything about.
The truth is that I am afraid. I am afraid because my life has become less known and more unknown and I don't know what to do about that. I am hurt because of an absence but that absence is a known thing. I want that absence to be amended because then at least I can go back to what is known.