Sunday, April 24

The cat is dying

1 am and I'm called into the ex's room b/c he had a seizure.

He is dying and there is nothing I can do to stop it. All my kindness or gentleness or sadness or hope cannot fix what is wrong and I don't know what to do but say goodbye.

It's going to be soon, isn't it. You fucking cat.

I love you and you're going to die. And it's not like you even gave a damn about me, because you're a cat and you have a mom and she adores you. But, you cared about me when nobody else in the house did.

So, I love you and I wish there was something I could do to make your life go longer.

If you have to go, and you do, I hope you know, somehow, even though I don't speak cat, even though I am not your person, even though have no idea how to convey it, but, still, I hope you know you are loved.



Friday, April 8

How To Fix Superman V Batman

Spoilers, yo.

Cutting everything that's trying to set up the Justice League, except Wonder Woman, we should now have time to make the following changes: 

1) After the Senate explodes, Superman goes into action alongside first responders to help save people, or care for the bodies of the dead. He then appears in front of the news cameras and says:

"What I was going to say today...doesn't feel necessary now. Because what I know is this: I am only one person. I can be a beacon of hope but I cannot stop all the evil in the world, not alone. 

But what I saw today was for every person in the Senate, five came running to help, then five more to tend to the wounded, and five more to the grieving, and five more to the dead. 

So I know that we are in this together. That to represent the hope you need, all I have to do is look to my left, and my right."

(Intersperse cuts of Batman, Luthor, Wonder Woman and humanity at large)
2) Wonder Woman opens a telecommunications device: A woman, obviously royalty, appears.

"Mother. I am need of the tools of my office, again."

The queen smiles. "I am pleased to hear you are taking up your mission again, Diana."

(Through the next bit, cut in scenes of Diana opening the containers that hold her tools of office and gearing up)
3) Superman confronts Batman. Batman hits him with the kryptonite grenade, they fight on the rooftop until Batman finally drops Superman into a building. 

"Stop!" Batman says and Superman freezes mid punch.

"We don't have much time! Luthor's manipulating us both."

"Then why did you shoot me?"

"I had to get us to a place to talk where he couldn't see. I'm sorry. I was wrong about you, I didnt' see it until it was too late. We have to hurry. Luthor's planning something with Kryptonian technology and I don't think I can stop it alone," Batman says.

"He has Martha."

"Who?"

"My mother."

Batman's fists clench so tightly you can see the white knuckles beneath the armor. 

"Where?"

"He'll kill her if I don't bring him your head."

"Nobody dies tonight. You stop Luthor. I'll save your mother."

Superman looks doubtful, Batman holds out his hand.

"Trust me."

They shake.

"OK, here's what you do next-"

Building implodes, and we go to the Doomsday sequence.

Monday, March 14

Dreaming to fly

I had two dreams last night where my ex was still in love with me. They were both so weird, they startled me awake, and I had to talk myself down. 

Fuckin' daylight savings time.

Tuesday, February 23

But I ain't that lonesome yet

"2014 was the year of breakups.

2016 is the year of love."

And this makes my heart hurt because I was broken up with in 2014. 

But I don't feel like being loved in 2016. 

Saturday, January 16

Also, I'm a little non-sober and I have to go to bed alone and sometimes...sometimes it's difficult. What do you want me to tell you? There are nights when I get lonely and feel like having someone else around would help soothe the restlessness. Or maybe I'd just walk into an old hallway of difficult nights with that option.

I remember when it was difficult to go to bed with someone else in it and that's a different puzzle. I am not sure what to do. There is that dread that really, nobody should be there anyway. But there's no reason for me to be alone, from a denial point. Sometimes you want to cry and it would be nice if you had a shoulder to bleed on.

I worry. I worry that I cannot repair myself to be more than human to people.

I worry that people tell me how obfuscated I am, when I thought I was being transparent.

I think a lot and I don't put it out there into the world much, at least not the bad stuff; I don't want to worry people. I don't want anyone to expend concern  because I'm going to be fine. Even if the stone is blank at twilight, I'm going to be fine. Who needs memoriams? Just write and be a good friend, right?

I don't know. I don't know that I'm good enough at either to make that statement the marker I set the game to.

I worry that I am usurping concern from people, away from lives they should attend to towards mine. And really what attention does my life need from others?

I feel very small and worth less than that. And you know what, there's something about getting laid that helps mitigate that. Whiiiich means I need some therapy. Fuck.

Wednesday, December 30

2015

It's been a weird year. It hasn't felt all that good, even if nothing really bad happened. That's how it goes when half your year is dipped in depression, I suppose.

I tried to get a story written for the first time in a long while: didn't quite work yet but I'm still percolating on the thing. I haven't given it up at least so that's good. And no matter what, I've done a hell of a lot of writing this year so I can take that reward, at least.

The trip to NYC was pretty damn good. Getting a surprise kiss was...surprising. I didn't handle that moment too well: having never been the object of multiple affections before I was deeply afraid I was going to hurt someone's feelings. I didn't want to do that. I feel bad enough as it is.

It all worked out, thankfully. Nobody was angry or hurt and me...well, I suppose I was me. Won't be the first person to cry on a curbside in New York and I won't be the last. Looking back on it, if I want to feel really discouraged, I think I may've missed out on the opportunity for a threesome.

May've missed multiple opportunities for that this year. Not exactly my fault; it's not as if there are signs, "threesomes this way".

First hip hop show ever. It was entertaining and definitely an exercise in showmanship. I had a window into why hip hop is such a driving force in culture-the people making it are often who society is happening to (the poor, the people of color) so of course they're going to have something to say about that in artistic form.

First time being someone's first OKC date. It ended awkwardly and that's all my fault. I didn't know what to say but if I did, it might go something like this: You seem neat and I'd totally hang with you again but I'm too depressed and fucked up right now to do anything serious and I'm sorry that I even appeal to people. But I had a nice time, so thanks.

Had an opportunity to do some game development/testing. It was neat but without the willingness to full on move to Seattle, I don't think I was going to be what they were looking for so...

Still, extra $500 in my pocket. Didn't suck.

The trip to Las Vegas to see my Dad was pretty awesome. We got high, and that was a first for me. He played his "fun"eral playlist, or at least parts of it. The damn thing was six hours long and will probably be longer. I think it might've just been a way to get me to listen to Frank Sinatra and I have to say, there are far, far worse ways to spend and evening than listening to Sinatra with Dad.

There was the new position at work. Still doing chunks of the old position which is a drag. Still financially insecure and with no idea what to do with my time or life.

I feel like a waste. Everyone knows how I feel about them so that's resolved and they don't need me. I don't really need me so...it's all just killing time.

I wonder if that's really the problem: I'm just goddamn bored and I don't know what else to do.

Maybe I'm not bored. Maybe I just don't know what to do.

Thursday, September 10

Had to leave early

Bad brain doing bad brain stuff.

Was at a homebrew club meeting: had to go before it even properly started. Was peopled out super fast.

Someone asked me if I was up for company. Sex might've even been possible. But no. This is how things are when you have a weight in your brain.

I am hoping to get through it, to somehow emerge and it's just. not. happening. Seriously, is it just because it feels longer or is it actually longer? I've cut back on drinking, I've tried to get enough sleep, I've made sure I've been getting exercise and eating and...

sigh

I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do and they are working, I suppose, in the sense that I haven't been getting worse but I don't seem to be getting better, either.