Thursday, September 10

Had to leave early

Bad brain doing bad brain stuff.

Was at a homebrew club meeting: had to go before it even properly started. Was peopled out super fast.

Someone asked me if I was up for company. Sex might've even been possible. But no. This is how things are when you have a weight in your brain.

I am hoping to get through it, to somehow emerge and it's just. not. happening. Seriously, is it just because it feels longer or is it actually longer? I've cut back on drinking, I've tried to get enough sleep, I've made sure I've been getting exercise and eating and...


I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do and they are working, I suppose, in the sense that I haven't been getting worse but I don't seem to be getting better, either.

Wednesday, September 9

Stairs of Descent

I'm confronting the notion that I am depressed. It's been going on since July and I'm at a bit of a loss.

Usually, I travel and that helps 'reset' things. Lately, the effort it would take to plan a trip to Spokane feels like too much. So many little things wrapped into that concept: I have 190 hours of vacation and not enough money, going feels like such a drag right now, because I don't want to drive 5.5 hours, getting time off of work seems like a hassle etc etc. 

I suppose part of this may be wrapped in a lady who I had put some hopes into and had things not work out. Relationships always tend to cast a shadow here & there. Still, nothing ended badly, I just have to concede that a sense of loneliness is contributing to my mental state. 

And this is partly why I'm avoiding anything that involves a relationship. I feel pathetic and weird. Uninhabitable. Unnecessary. 

It has come up a couple times, recently, that I behave in a resigned fashion in my romantic relationships. I have to admit there's a truth to that. I don't know what to do or say about it; what I want hasn't...worked out very well. 

If someone is going to cheat on me, they will. If someone wants to break up with me, they will. It doesn't matter what I want to do with the relationship if there isn't a common ground and if there is a common ground then why is there a dispute? 

I feel rather dejected about it all. Which, I suppose sums up how I feel about most things right now.

Thursday, April 16

My response to a Star Wars fan

It was a chat on FB with someone who LOVED the new Star Wars trailer the end, who cares so I dropped it. But I wrote it out with punctuation and everything.

I'm curious as to the flaw in my logic. Disney has shown themselves to be a greedy bastardy company who will fuck you over for money. JJ has shown himself to be a guy who does a great Act I and then flounders after. This isn't really a disagreement, so much as you saying "well, I have faith". 
Lots of people have faith.
They (film executives) have stumbled onto a formula that makes them money. For now. One stumble and I promise you it will all turn to ashes. 
That doesn't mean this movie is bad and it's cool you're excited about it!   
I like the trailer and that's enough.

Wednesday, January 28

Put Up Or Shut Up

So she says to me, she says (in response to hearing about my romantic situation) 

"one option would be to fuck your way through it, distracting enough (not with me)."

Yeah, EVERYONE thinks I should be fucking my way through it, but just so long as I don't do it with THEM

To hell with that. This is why we have the Year of Questionable Decisions policies. To guide me when in doubt, so that my behavior is honorable. If someone decides to have sex with me, I make sure they know what they're getting into. So that I put myself in situations where I'm minimizing harm.

So I've got my shit taken care of. You? How about you keep your stupid advice, until such time as you want to actually follow through with it. 

Wednesday, December 17


The house is going to be sold. That much is certain.

I need a way to reframe my future so that it becomes something I look forward to again, and I don't know how. I am underpaid with a future I do not want. I don't have an idea of what to make a change toward and I am so tired of me.

I'm cold. Time for bed.

Saturday, August 23

Why giving advice sucks

Whilst helping someone else going through a breakup, I thought:

I got the relationship I wanted. I was with one of my best friends.

And it didn't work out.

What the fuck am I going to do with THAT?

Wednesday, August 13


Saw Guardians of the Galaxy last night and it was pretty good, even with the couple behind me who had the 3yo girl with them. She occasionally exclaimed 'That was tight!' 

As I drove home, I felt the cry of the old fears, 'what are you going to do?' and I had no answer. I cried a little. I have been set aside and I am mourning not only the relationship that was, but the one I had hoped we would enjoy in the future. 

Time runs out on everything. 

I don't know what I am going to do, and it frightens me. I don't know what my relationship with my friend is going to be like and that worries me. I just don't know things I thought I had a sense of and coupled with just being sad, it's a grind.