Saturday, January 16

Also, I'm a little non-sober and I have to go to bed alone and sometimes...sometimes it's difficult. What do you want me to tell you? There are nights when I get lonely and feel like having someone else around would help soothe the restlessness. Or maybe I'd just walk into an old hallway of difficult nights with that option.

I remember when it was difficult to go to bed with someone else in it and that's a different puzzle. I am not sure what to do. There is that dread that really, nobody should be there anyway. But there's no reason for me to be alone, from a denial point. Sometimes you want to cry and it would be nice if you had a shoulder to bleed on.

I worry. I worry that I cannot repair myself to be more than human to people.

I worry that people tell me how obfuscated I am, when I thought I was being transparent.

I think a lot and I don't put it out there into the world much, at least not the bad stuff; I don't want to worry people. I don't want anyone to expend concern  because I'm going to be fine. Even if the stone is blank at twilight, I'm going to be fine. Who needs memoriams? Just write and be a good friend, right?

I don't know. I don't know that I'm good enough at either to make that statement the marker I set the game to.

I worry that I am usurping concern from people, away from lives they should attend to towards mine. And really what attention does my life need from others?

I feel very small and worth less than that. And you know what, there's something about getting laid that helps mitigate that. Whiiiich means I need some therapy. Fuck.

Wednesday, December 30

2015

It's been a weird year. It hasn't felt all that good, even if nothing really bad happened. That's how it goes when half your year is dipped in depression, I suppose.

I tried to get a story written for the first time in a long while: didn't quite work yet but I'm still percolating on the thing. I haven't given it up at least so that's good. And no matter what, I've done a hell of a lot of writing this year so I can take that reward, at least.

The trip to NYC was pretty damn good. Getting a surprise kiss was...surprising. I didn't handle that moment too well: having never been the object of multiple affections before I was deeply afraid I was going to hurt someone's feelings. I didn't want to do that. I feel bad enough as it is.

It all worked out, thankfully. Nobody was angry or hurt and me...well, I suppose I was me. Won't be the first person to cry on a curbside in New York and I won't be the last. Looking back on it, if I want to feel really discouraged, I think I may've missed out on the opportunity for a threesome.

May've missed multiple opportunities for that this year. Not exactly my fault; it's not as if there are signs, "threesomes this way".

First hip hop show ever. It was entertaining and definitely an exercise in showmanship. I had a window into why hip hop is such a driving force in culture-the people making it are often who society is happening to (the poor, the people of color) so of course they're going to have something to say about that in artistic form.

First time being someone's first OKC date. It ended awkwardly and that's all my fault. I didn't know what to say but if I did, it might go something like this: You seem neat and I'd totally hang with you again but I'm too depressed and fucked up right now to do anything serious and I'm sorry that I even appeal to people. But I had a nice time, so thanks.

Had an opportunity to do some game development/testing. It was neat but without the willingness to full on move to Seattle, I don't think I was going to be what they were looking for so...

Still, extra $500 in my pocket. Didn't suck.

The trip to Las Vegas to see my Dad was pretty awesome. We got high, and that was a first for me. He played his "fun"eral playlist, or at least parts of it. The damn thing was six hours long and will probably be longer. I think it might've just been a way to get me to listen to Frank Sinatra and I have to say, there are far, far worse ways to spend and evening than listening to Sinatra with Dad.

There was the new position at work. Still doing chunks of the old position which is a drag. Still financially insecure and with no idea what to do with my time or life.

I feel like a waste. Everyone knows how I feel about them so that's resolved and they don't need me. I don't really need me so...it's all just killing time.

I wonder if that's really the problem: I'm just goddamn bored and I don't know what else to do.

Maybe I'm not bored. Maybe I just don't know what to do.

Thursday, September 10

Had to leave early

Bad brain doing bad brain stuff.

Was at a homebrew club meeting: had to go before it even properly started. Was peopled out super fast.

Someone asked me if I was up for company. Sex might've even been possible. But no. This is how things are when you have a weight in your brain.

I am hoping to get through it, to somehow emerge and it's just. not. happening. Seriously, is it just because it feels longer or is it actually longer? I've cut back on drinking, I've tried to get enough sleep, I've made sure I've been getting exercise and eating and...

sigh

I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do and they are working, I suppose, in the sense that I haven't been getting worse but I don't seem to be getting better, either.

Wednesday, September 9

Stairs of Descent

I'm confronting the notion that I am depressed. It's been going on since July and I'm at a bit of a loss.

Usually, I travel and that helps 'reset' things. Lately, the effort it would take to plan a trip to Spokane feels like too much. So many little things wrapped into that concept: I have 190 hours of vacation and not enough money, going feels like such a drag right now, because I don't want to drive 5.5 hours, getting time off of work seems like a hassle etc etc. 

I suppose part of this may be wrapped in a lady who I had put some hopes into and had things not work out. Relationships always tend to cast a shadow here & there. Still, nothing ended badly, I just have to concede that a sense of loneliness is contributing to my mental state. 

And this is partly why I'm avoiding anything that involves a relationship. I feel pathetic and weird. Uninhabitable. Unnecessary. 

It has come up a couple times, recently, that I behave in a resigned fashion in my romantic relationships. I have to admit there's a truth to that. I don't know what to do or say about it; what I want hasn't...worked out very well. 

If someone is going to cheat on me, they will. If someone wants to break up with me, they will. It doesn't matter what I want to do with the relationship if there isn't a common ground and if there is a common ground then why is there a dispute? 

I feel rather dejected about it all. Which, I suppose sums up how I feel about most things right now.


Thursday, April 16

My response to a Star Wars fan

It was a chat on FB with someone who LOVED the new Star Wars trailer and...in the end, who cares so I dropped it. But I wrote it out with punctuation and everything.

I'm curious as to the flaw in my logic. Disney has shown themselves to be a greedy bastardy company who will fuck you over for money. JJ has shown himself to be a guy who does a great Act I and then flounders after. This isn't really a disagreement, so much as you saying "well, I have faith". 
Lots of people have faith.
They (film executives) have stumbled onto a formula that makes them money. For now. One stumble and I promise you it will all turn to ashes. 
That doesn't mean this movie is bad and it's cool you're excited about it!   
I like the trailer and that's enough.

Wednesday, January 28

Put Up Or Shut Up

So she says to me, she says (in response to hearing about my romantic situation) 

"one option would be to fuck your way through it, distracting enough (not with me)."

Yeah, EVERYONE thinks I should be fucking my way through it, but just so long as I don't do it with THEM

To hell with that. This is why we have the Year of Questionable Decisions policies. To guide me when in doubt, so that my behavior is honorable. If someone decides to have sex with me, I make sure they know what they're getting into. So that I put myself in situations where I'm minimizing harm.

So I've got my shit taken care of. You? How about you keep your stupid advice, until such time as you want to actually follow through with it. 

Wednesday, December 17

Reformat

The house is going to be sold. That much is certain.

I need a way to reframe my future so that it becomes something I look forward to again, and I don't know how. I am underpaid with a future I do not want. I don't have an idea of what to make a change toward and I am so tired of me.

I'm cold. Time for bed.