Thursday, February 11

Why are you there?

I can suddenly see you in the friends online. You've excised me out of every. other. part. of your life.

But there you are. The great taunt of my heart.

I get it. The system has changed. You don't know you're supposed to exile me. You are exposed and I now just have to accept it.

Yay.

DM @ 10:31 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, February 10

I imagine this doesn't happen often

but I have gotten something I needed and yet feel worse than I ever did.

I'm still trying to work out why but a big chunk of it is: from a monetary perspective, it's a step backwards. From an employment perspective, it isn't fulfilling. I have no sense of how this job is going to help me a) make more money b) be a more diverse/useful employee or c) be a better person. It's just a job, and all of the other problems are still unsolved.

I'm still poor. I'm still directionless. I still have all the trappings of being stuck. I didn't want this job and I don't feel like I earned it at all. I just acquired it, like getting the monkey's paw.

It's not a good sign when you get a boon and wish you were dead. It just ain't. Now what it's a bad sign OF is an entirely different matter. All this crap in my head that isn't resolved, that's the problem.

Ah. I get it. This job isn't a solution to anything that troubles me.

DM @ 6:34 AM 0 comments