2015

It's been a weird year. It hasn't felt all that good, even if nothing really bad happened. That's how it goes when half your year is dipped in depression, I suppose.

I tried to get a story written for the first time in a long while: didn't quite work yet but I'm still percolating on the thing. I haven't given it up at least so that's good. And no matter what, I've done a hell of a lot of writing this year so I can take that reward, at least.

The trip to NYC was pretty damn good. Getting a surprise kiss was...surprising. I didn't handle that moment too well: having never been the object of multiple affections before I was deeply afraid I was going to hurt someone's feelings. I didn't want to do that. I feel bad enough as it is.

It all worked out, thankfully. Nobody was angry or hurt and me...well, I suppose I was me. Won't be the first person to cry on a curbside in New York and I won't be the last. Looking back on it, if I want to feel really discouraged, I think I may've missed out on the opportunity for a threesome.

May've missed multiple opportunities for that this year. Not exactly my fault; it's not as if there are signs, "threesomes this way".

First hip hop show ever. It was entertaining and definitely an exercise in showmanship. I had a window into why hip hop is such a driving force in culture-the people making it are often who society is happening to (the poor, the people of color) so of course they're going to have something to say about that in artistic form.

First time being someone's first OKC date. It ended awkwardly and that's all my fault. I didn't know what to say but if I did, it might go something like this: You seem neat and I'd totally hang with you again but I'm too depressed and fucked up right now to do anything serious and I'm sorry that I even appeal to people. But I had a nice time, so thanks.

Had an opportunity to do some game development/testing. It was neat but without the willingness to full on move to Seattle, I don't think I was going to be what they were looking for so...

Still, extra $500 in my pocket. Didn't suck.

The trip to Las Vegas to see my Dad was pretty awesome. We got high, and that was a first for me. He played his "fun"eral playlist, or at least parts of it. The damn thing was six hours long and will probably be longer. I think it might've just been a way to get me to listen to Frank Sinatra and I have to say, there are far, far worse ways to spend and evening than listening to Sinatra with Dad.

There was the new position at work. Still doing chunks of the old position which is a drag. Still financially insecure and with no idea what to do with my time or life.

I feel like a waste. Everyone knows how I feel about them so that's resolved and they don't need me. I don't really need me so...it's all just killing time.

I wonder if that's really the problem: I'm just goddamn bored and I don't know what else to do.

Maybe I'm not bored. Maybe I just don't know what to do.