New dance class

It's been 100x more difficult than previous classes. I don't know why. I have guesses; new teacher, different style of learning, poor song selection.

But it's frustrating. It's like I'm choking, except it's not because I don't know what I'm doing-it's because the new stuff is rebelling against what I learned.

I'm fighting gloom these days. Just hit me all of a sudden. I think it's 1.5 gloom - .5 me, so far. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Have finshed videogames. Will talk about them soon.

Things I'm learning

Denny's takes orders over the phone.

How to make a budget.

How to install printer drivers. How to extend patience with people who are not technologically savvy.

How to muck around servers. Not quite as fond of that one.

Time management. Sorta.

That I can be made invisible by someone. A new kind of irony from the days when I was small and wished I could be invisible.

That I can resist my completist tendencies...but not very well.I just do it because of the poverty.

When I finish a story, nobody is under any obligation to say anything.

My dream could come true

My dream of being a porn star. Huzza!

While I'm on the subject, when I first moved to Portland I had a hypothesis that said that within one block of every adult business (strippers, porn, whatever) within one block there would be an asian food restaurant. I think as a theory it's been disproven, but the hypothesis is still very strong.

When I started temping in Clackamas, I wondered if the hypothesis would hold.

Pleased to say that so far, it does.

Randomness

Bison Brewing's chocolate stout is not so thrilling.

The Peppermint Tribe ought to be the name of one of the villains in the book.

I heard Metallica's Unforgiven for the first time in many years, and when this line was sung:
"This bitter man he is"
I instantly re-imagined it as a Yoda phrase. The song has been vastly improved.

Dear Kettle Chips; why are your normal potato chips so much suck, while your crinkle cut chips awesome?

Odds and ends

First: Resident Evil 5: It's good. Not stupid amazing good, but a solid game that is trying to do shake up the series by placing it in a hot sun-drenched environment. This works for the most part, but there weren't as many spooky parts, and the vehicle driving sections were generally boring. Sitting at the turret of a gun and blazing down enemies doesn't make for a very fearful experience.

That all said, I've gotten quite a bit out of the Mercenaries subgame. With two players who even know a little about what to do, I have felt like I was accomplishing a great deal. It's fun! I wouldn't like to see an entire game around that, but the value that Mercenaries gives to this helps make the game worthwhile.

Second: Left 4 Dead 2. I really wish they would do it as DLC. Or how about giving coupons to people who have bought L4D so the sequel isn't as expensive for us?

I don't know; I worry that this really awesome game I've been playing will suddenly have a much smaller userbase, and currently I can't afford a new game. Hopefully by November, this won't be an issue, but it's hard not to fret about the unemployment thing.

I got on Xbrick Live just to play L4D with people, and I'd hate to see that pleasant experience go away, especially after dropping $110 on it (game + Live membership).

And also: I'd like to see some extra content for the original. The lighthouse in The Last Stand is obviously some kind of end-chapter. Give me the 4 lead up chapters!

I realize that Valve needs to make money, and I've had a good time with their game, but there was an implication that there would be at least some new content coming for the original (although I may be making that up in my head) so this sequel feels a lot like a letdown.

Third: I've started making lists in the morning of daily tasks. So far it's helping, and I think it may be the first step on my way to getting a personal organizer. I think I'd like it to it via an iPod touch because that way I can just copy/paste things into a calendar, but for now writing things down is a start.

Fourth: Usual depressing looking for work thing. It just feels all fucked up.

Fifth: Star Trek is good. The new one hits all the right notes, doesn't invalidate any older Star Trek that people may've loved, and is all around fun to watch.

I guess that's all for now.

It's one of those days: Resist Despair.

It's not that things are bad, but they do not appear to be hopeful in any interesting manner.

I kind of want to use the internet like Twitter today; just leave my short comments and leave. I don't abhor Twitter per se, but there's so much noise out there in the Universe anyway, and nobody cares about what I have to say in comparison. Especially since I am not eating tasty sandwiches or pooping.

Even writing that 'joke' feels forced and kinda meh. Real writers wouldn't let that go.

In truth, the inclination to hide out is very strong. I guess I'm doing that already by staying at home, but I guess there's my conflict. The days when I want to go away and be forgotten, and the days when I don't. Which isn't much to aspire to, it seems.

Maybe I just need lunch. Everything seems better after lunch or a nap. I have a place to write and things ain't so bad.

The Failure Option

I'm doing a podcast now, for people interested in hearing my voice. Linky above.

I'm having trouble finding jobs that I think I can work in. I seem to know so little.

On the other hand, all the time at home is giving me space to read, write, and listen to music I haven't in a long time. You may not be aware of this, but the Smashing Pumpkins' Mellon Collie and the blahblahblah is a shitty record. It could've been a good one, but out of the 28 songs there, 4 are really good, and another 5 are OK. Maybe 2 more songs after that, and you're done.

Metallica's 'classic' ...And Justice for All? Bloated and tired.

But there's beer. So it's not all bad.

Salon article

So I read the article linked, and yeah, I dig on it. Of course, going to the letters section there are a small but extremely viscous group of people-hating creatures who neither understand or empathize with someone who is having trouble. My general feeling towards people who cannot put their objections civilly is summed up thusly: Fuck them.

What is less good is the questions it brings up for me. The insistence that I cannot quit my job, because there are lots and LOTS of stories, especially now, about how bad things are. And, I have to admit; I fear poverty. Not being able to get new things-don't care. Not being able to eat properly, or pay rent; big care.

So that preys on me. What also preys on me, however, is the ache in my side I get from just sitting at this desk. I can't stay here. I have to stay here.

You might see the issue there.

It's weird being smart and so scared. I feel like I ought to have the skills to manage, but they seem to elude me. That's no fun.

The trick

Last week was a shit week at work. I can't remember being so angry at work; my frustration levels went through the roof.

I need a new job. I am afraid that my skills of mediocrity have left me with few avenues to pursue one. My Dad suggests 'leadership skills', but I honestly have no idea what that means or where I'd go to learn such a thing. I do not recall seeing these kinds of classes taught at GU.

I've always had trouble figuring out what I 'ought to do with my life'. I like to write but I have no idea how I'd ever get paid for such things, and time really does become an issue. Writing is hard work, and even though I like it, it takes time and effort to get something out that's worth reading. Then you have to be lucky enough to have someone pay you for it. I've never been much for promoting myself, so I generally hit a dead end when it comes to going anywhere.

They say there are two problems; you know what you want but you don't know how to get it, or you don't know what you want.

I seem to have a little of both. Maybe I should make a list of what I do want, so things will become clearer.

However, there are a few things that need to be done.
1) I need to not be angry at my supervisor. I need to figure out a way to release this soon, as she'll be in the office next week and will no doubt want a sit down with me. I need to be able to be civil with her.

2) I need a plan of action to get me out of Dodge. I really really have to leave here; I can feel it taking a toll on me physically. That is bad, no matter how you cut it.

3) I need a thought as to what I ought to be doing. If writing won't pay (since I have no idea how to make money at it), and I shouldn't be a teacher, what is there? I honestly don't know, and I'd like to stay in Portland to do it, whatever it is.

Just a few things

First; 'unscribe' is not a word. It's 'unsubscribe', damnit.

Second; Note to self: do not let other people's authority tell you what you like or don't like.

Third; walking through Portland right now,they're tearing up the streets for the N/S Max line (the public rail system). As they wrecked 6th Ave SW, I could see the strata of the earth, macadam, cement, wooden rail ties, bricks, dirt.

Wait. Rail ties? Uh huh. Looks like a few decades ago, a railroad went through this part of town. On this street.

The more things change, right?

Various stuff

First: http://www.ommatidia.org/

That's just neat.

I just got back from Las Vegas, where I visited my Dad and a few ex-Consumators.

I hate Vegas. It's impossible to get a decent meal for reasonable prices, and finding a beer worth keeping down is impossible. It is utterly devoid of the fun which it insists it is selling you, unless you 1) like to gamble or 2) like to spend a fuckton of money. Which is just gambling, but, you know, on something that you might get to keep. Or nourish you. Or basically provide some kind of return beyond; It puts the quarters in the bin, or else it gets the hose again.

When you aren't in the Vegas that everyone thinks of as Vegas, you're in either a) an insidiously ugly, shitty part of town or b) in a community that's gated and surrounded by a Southwestern themed strip mall.

It's a shame, because if you leave Vegas, the countryside is really quite pretty.

Went to see Iron Man, and it's as good as they say. Solid cast, decent story, all around good stuff. Dad's take: "Well, I'm glad I got to see it for free-and hell, I'd see it again for free."
Me:"Isn't that true of anything, really?"
"Hell, no."

I've finished up the Sly Cooper series on the PS2, and you know, it's pretty good. I think it got overlooked in the PS2 world with Ratchet and Clank and Jax and Daxter as competition, but lots of fun. Ending is a little abrupt, but not bad.

Went on a stripper bus via Barfly and had an interesting experience, touring various and sundry clubs in Portland.

Fav; Pirate's Cove. Our hostess Rachel Reckless was lovely too. And my girlfriend became the hero of the bus when she asked a trucker to move his vehicle so our bus could pass (long story, but it is one of those; that's why people don't like the police, things).

I guess that's the deal.

Memory's Garden

There are times when it's not easy to remember that I've got it pretty good. That what I've been asked to let go of this year will not cripple me, and someone else needed it more.

There are times when it's hard to get out of my own head. To remember to do the (art) work because it seems to be the thing that keeps me from splitting my head open on the steering wheel. Blood stays inside. INSIDE.

Damn. I forgot my yogurt today.

What's also difficult to not fucking whine. Because who wants to hear it? I don't really want to put the effort out there to make my shit entertaining or interesting. I just want to be depressed, have a couple beers and a really good hamburger and fries somewhere semi-gloomy. I also want to rewind life to a situation that seemed happy, even if it wasn't entirely.

I thought it was. Then again, what I'm asking for there is self-deceit, and that way lies madness for certain.

I guess that it's good to realize that since happiness comes and goes, enjoy what is there, and don't set up camp in gloomyville.


All that said: I need to start taking some steps. I know, I know.