Friday, November 2

Dear everyone who likes the Walking Dead

There is nothing, ever, to ask about this show. No grand conversations to be had about it.

There are no surprises. There is no hope. Everyone dies.

Some will also go crazy. They will die. Some will have guns or swords. They will die. Some will have sex and there might even be babies. They will die. There will be moments where the group finds a 'safe' place. It will end and people will die. Some will die to the living. Some will die to hordes of dead. Some will die to diseases that are conquered so long as you have thing like plumbing and basic first aid but those are gone so they will die. 

This is why I quit reading the comic and why I don't care about the TV show and why this isn't a spoiler for anyone following the show or the comic.There is no escape, no event at the end that makes it all OK, none of that. There is no, zero, nothing at all in the way of tension. There will be no surprises. Everyone. Will. Die. 

Now that you know that, you can just enjoy! There are no questions to be asked, no conversations to be had about Jim Bob and his Jimbobbery, or how much more effective a katana is over a .44 or any of that! Everyone will die so you can relax and watch them enact entropy in front of your eyes. You know how it ends. 

Now quit fucking talking about it. 

Monday, October 29

Home again

This visit to Spokane was...weird. It was the first time in 15 years where I felt as though I really didn't like that city anymore. 

It was grim and decrepit; neglected might be the best word for the state of so much of the city. What wasn't neglected was cookie-cutter new, houses all built from the same mold, making them extra creepy in that 'One of Us' way. 

There was also the presence of a whole lot more Jesus on display and, because of the election, a fuckton of Republican signage. 

It made me feel a bit sad. I knew Spokane wasn't the most progressive of cities but I never felt depressed about that state until I went back this year. 

I think I'd be a lot angrier and listen to a whole lot more heavy metal, should I have never moved away. I don't know what I make of that but...I don't see it as a positive.

Friday, October 19

Dream

I dreamt I was lost. Then I remembered that it was a dream and dream me has a GPS.

That was pretty rad.

Tuesday, October 16

I know it's weird

But I feel sorry for Paul Ryan, just a bit.

He had this opportunity to talk to Americans who weren't like him. Very few people are as candid as the poor. I can only imagine what they talked about but maybe he got a little picture into that life, something that might spark some compassion in him.

And who knows exactly how this little stop at a soup kitchen was supposed to go or could have gone. Maybe somewhere in the back of his mind as he's scrubbing a pot that was, reportedly, already clean he's thinking: what's gone wrong with things? I'm a decent person and I want to help people. Why does everyone seem to be so riled against me?

Or maybe not. Maybe he's just thinking: I need to make sure I look good for the cameras. 

Hard to say. Certainly, he's using this moment to forward his political career and if he fucks up the non-profit status of that kitchen then I hope he does all he can to amend that. 

But I just have to wonder.

Tuesday, October 9

Max Payne 3

It's good. It's also the second strongest case of cognitive dissonance I've dealt with in videogames this year.

Essentially, Max Payne says: Do you like noir? Drunks? Gallows humor? Dead women? THEN HAVE WE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU!

The whole game is played through this visual patina of alcohol haze and I like that but it's not reflected anywhere else. You still shoot grenades out of the air, shootdodge (bullet time) through environments killing 4+ dudes at a time, etc. The superhero elements are not really diminished.

It's weird, having every other scene with Max essentially tell you what a fuckup he is but by god he can kill every last motherfucker in the room. Despite being hammered.

The only real complaint I have about MP3 is the complaint I have with any game of this type: Let's build an incredibly tense shooter on rails! Then, let's force players to get off the rails to find clues and special weapon drops, breaking the tension and any sort of immersion, because they need to find these other cool things.

Why do that? There must be a better way, mechanically, to integrate the elements of uncovering the conspiracy and getting better weapons than having the player stop everything they were doing that was fun, in order to run around and look for shiny gold pieces or scraps of paper. 

Sunday, October 7

Oysters, bitch.

What I learned on the internet today (#1): An adult oyster can filter 50 gallons of water a day. That's pretty impressive right? Not to mention functional and pragmatic.
[The oyster] accepts algae and detritus in one end — and through this beautiful, glamorous set of stomach organs, out the other end comes cleaner water.”

Thursday, September 20

Driver:SF and Spec Ops: The Line

Finished Driver SF and found it to be quite enjoyable. Lighthearted, well written, funny, good characters, goofy enough that the endgame didn't bother me, ridiculous as it was. It's fun and I almost wish I could've spent more time there but I was getting burnt out on everything and the music started to drive me crazy. I need to turn the radio off in these games.

Also played Spec Ops: The Line and when I traded it in, the people at Gamestop said something to the effect of: There have been a lot of mixed reviews from customers.

What I told them was this: it's hard to like; but if you got something out of Apocalypse Now or Jacob's Ladder or liked Joseph Conrad's Heart Of Darkness then you should play this game. It's got something to say, and it especially strong in it's critique of 'super realistic' modern warfare FPS, and it should be played for that reason alone: It has something to say.

It's not always fun. As a matter of fact, it was frequently not fun, it was very weird to play this game and have the violence I was inflicting be accompanied with horrific moaning and the option to execute enemies that were writhing on the ground in pain and posing no threat to me, along with hallucinatory experiences and things just generally becoming more and more fucked up.

However, having something to say is important and I think people should play Spec Ops because it will, if nothing else, give them something to chew on for a little while. 

Tuesday, September 11

Why I Am Avoiding Facebook Today

Two, which are two too many, "Remember 9/11" posts.

You know what I'd like to see? All of those people remember what the United States did to cause 9/11, then recall every fucked up thing we allowed to happen, from the loss of our civil liberties to the rapid undermining of our economy due to war, to the utterly pointless loss of life and the havoc imposed on the survivors because of the GWOT, torture, and overall evil that was engaged in since that date. 

Because I'm pretty sure all those people are remembering is how they got hurt. Convenient when it comes to forgetting how we slit the throats of other people. 

Monday, September 10

Dear Joss Whedon

Avengers 2 is going to end with Captain America being tossed the Tesseract or the Infinity Gauntlet, in all likelihood by Thor or Iron Man but maybe even Quasar, and saving the day. I know this, you know this. It's really the only way that movie finishes out.

Please hire me. I only eat moderately and I really don't distinguish between right and wrong very well. 

Monday, August 13

Mass Effect 3 ending

I finally finished ME3 and have gotten to see what all the fuss over the ending was about. I played the unimproved ending because I wanted to get a taste for it and...I found it to be choppy. Characters popped in, or events happened post climactic choice that didn't connect with where I had last known they were at. The discussion I had with the Catalyst lacked exposition and I didn't really feel like this was as well fleshed out as it should have been. I knew the choices mattered but the weight of those choices wasn't really presented very well, I thought.

I read Film Critic Hulk's review of the ending though and I have to agree with him on many points: the game's story isn't there to answer your questions about how or why the Universe came to light. The story is there to remind us that we have been fighting wars like this for a very, very long time and the 'best' ending is one that strongly suggests that evolution is the best way forward, to the next cycle. 

I also watched the 'Extended Cut' endings (excepting the one I chose: I have another character to play and will likely pick the same choice so it will be interesting to see how things shift) and found those to be very, very illuminating. Suddenly there were conversation choices that hadn't appeared when I had played through and plot points to help the end sequences connect together. The drawback is that now the endings seem to have a little too much explanation after the fact and not quite enough before so again, players make the choice 'blind.' 

This may be intentional and if so, it feels a little weird for the series. Choices, especially big ones, were always given context so they could be meaningful. To have information dumped after the fact is realistic (we don't know the consequences until we make the choice) it's opposition to previous actions in the series can be a cause for discomfort. Plus, they don't really tell you anything: The Universe keeps going and you can count on shit getting weird again.

However, I am finding that I appreciate the stories and endings that tell me a bit less. I am thinking of the Dark Tower series which ends much the same way: everything starts over, except this time, Roland knows more. The Matrix trilogy does this too: Reboot but with a chance for peace.

Because what else can you do? Human history has been recorded for a long time and we still have the same stories being told to us about love, death, dishonor, greed, and courage. Why is that? 

I have to conclude it is because human beings are still working similar patterns. Not the same. I cannot conclude that it's the same: our behavior has changed over the centuries. But close enough, maybe so close, that it is difficult to distinguish between the cycles. Eventually, those cycles are going to change: either for the better or those cycles for humans, at least, will be eliminated.

What else can you say when you confront God, you know? What is God going to say to you?

"This is the best I could do. Now you have a chance to fix it: what is your choice?"
And the best ending has you starting over but evolved. The other three endings all lead back to where you start: either a fractured galaxy will evolve, or a united galaxy against a creepy overlord who just has 'your best interests at heart' or, in the added secret ending: You lose and the Reaper cycle starts all over.

How could anyone do better? To give the audience a simple victory would be to spit on all the complexity that Bioware had been working on for years! To insist on losing would be a terrible crime against an audience that was rooting for and cheering and hoping that this could be their generation's Star Wars. You cannot betray your audience in such a manner: That's one of the unbreakable rules.

So you have to take the difficult way out, which is to say: You got here, now start again. Good luck.

Not sure what else people could've asked for.

That said: All the complaints about the plot points not sticking together in the endgame, that I feel is dead on and I'm glad they addressed it. Also, the Earth sequence was savagely difficult for me and I'd had my galactic readiness up to 100%. I cannot imagine how frustrating it would have been if I had not done that. (Although I probably did not choose the best team so that's my bad. Even so, it was punishingly difficult.)
And that is that.

Wednesday, July 25

I like my words

I was told recently in an internet discussion:

"You sure do use a lot of words to say you don't like my tone."

That is correct. I do. Because telling you that you're an asshole (which you are being) is not something that furthers a discussion (which I would prefer to have.) 

And since the internet is pretty much forever, telling you that you're an asshole better be the right thing to do. 

Monday, July 16

Happy Birthday, wherever you are

It's been a couple years and I do miss you and the energy you brought to my life. I miss my friend. I wish things were different and I certainly feel sometimes like I was used; the beacon that showed what was not quite right in your life, cast aside once you were done. 

I also know you just disappeared one day and that stings too. Even now, even after everyone is bored of that story and this hurt, even me. 

But you know what? Part of the reason I have the life I have now is because of you. It's a good life. I miss you and I hope that someday we can be friends but even if not: I hope you have a Happy Birthday, because I love you and that's how I want to be towards the people I care about.


Wednesday, June 13

Japandroids alone

My sweetie got sick and so she couldn't attend the Japandroids show with me, but I'd already bought a ticket. There's no backsies these days but I figured; Hey no problem. Someone will want to come with!

Nope. Couldn't find anyone. This actually made me a little sad. Why don't I know enough people that someone would want to come with me to a rock show for free? (Or maybe buy me a beer but I wasn't going to ask.) What is wrong with my social abilities? Something has to be.

So I get to the show and I picked up my tickets and then said to the woman at the counter: hey, my girl got sick and I couldn't find someone to take this ticket: Could you give it to the next person who needs one? And she said she would. I got down to the venue and I was still feeling a little gloomy.

Writing is a salve in these situations so I started to write a little but then, the first act came on. And Cadence Weapon: Alright. His voice was a touch buried in the mix: I could only hear his lyrics when he was shouting but I think I'll check him out. So everything started off pretty good.

Barely enough time for a beer later and the Japandroids were out.

Someday, my knees are going to refuse and my ankle will swell a bit much, my back will holler about standing for so long. My arms just won't be able to protect me from the jostling of the crowd. My poor, abused, headbanger neck will scream at me: just be fuckin' thankful I can keep this 5 pound meatbag ON you dick!

But not today. And a great rock show can cure what ails you.

Friday, May 25

In response to the last email my Grandmother sent

Grandma; Next time you want to get a hold of me, you'll have to call. I don't want to deal with having to delete, disprove, or hash out every single little lie that you forward. I have asked, over and over and OVER that you stop sending me these kinds of emails. To actually talk to me, say hello, ask how I am doing, have a conversation. And you don't. So I am taking the next step: I am routing all email that you send to me to the trash. I will not see it, ever again. I'm done with being polite with you or tolerant of you and I'm tired of complaining about it. So I'm just going to ignore your email from here on out. love

Monday, May 7

Social failings

I lamented to some friends that I couldn't get laid in Mass Effect 2. I just couldn't play the characters in such a way that was mentally consistent with my imaginings AND hook up with someone. So all that was going to change in Mass Effect 3, right? Totally going to get it on. I am going to be devious instead, because fuck it: I saved the galaxy. Nookie deserved. Nope. Hit on the one lesbian of the crew, make it all awkward. My real life is supposed to contain the awkward situations, thank you very much.

Thursday, April 26

Videogame update

So, I played Outland and thought it was pretty good. Until I got to the last section and got a big ol' dose of FUCK THIS. There was a moment that I realized I wasn't having any fun and the previous skills I'd acquired didn't seem to matters. So I quit, never to bother with it again. Bummer, because the artistic style was great, the controls were tight and there was a great deal to be said for it. But when I got to the end it felt like a bulletshitstorm and not a pattern I could defeat. I also finished Uncharted 3 and it did, from a gameplay perspective, what it was supposed to do very well. The story, however, feel on its face. Three times, the main character is asked: "Is what you're doing worth it?" Because it's shown that Drake is willing to ignore friends and lovers in pursuit of treasure. And it never seems to get any deeper than that. He's not on a mad quest to know who he is, he's not desperate to prove himself, or redeem his soul or avenge his friends. Nope. He just wants shiny shit to sell and nobody seems to get fed up with that. And that sucks a lot of the soul out of the game for me and I just don't know that I want to play any more of Drake's adventures. Now I'm knee deep in Mass Effect 3 and hip deep in Borderlands.

Wednesday, March 21

The last ten years

More than most decades, this was the one where I had to deal with heartbreak.

The break of a dream that I didn't know how to plant. The break of a career I didn't understand how to develop. The break of days and nights lost to women whom I couldn't understand no matter how desperately I tried.

But I learned I still love to write, dream or no dream, how to evaluate work better, so I don't get stuck in the same loop and understanding myself better, so the women aren't as confusing.

I have good friends and there is beer and a kick ass girlfriend and things don't suck. Mostly.

So yeah, that's cool.


Letter sent 3.21.12

Dear Mr. President,
I hope you’re well. As always, if you can’t reply, that’s fine: I prefer nothing over a form letter. To whomever may be reading this because it’s their job, I thank you for your time, especially on this one.

Sir, I’m about to turn 40. As is the tradition in our culture, birthdays are often times of reflection and ideas and I’d like to, instead of talking to you about what seems to be going wrong, what America could do.

While reading The American Soul by Jacob Needleman, I’ve come across a very interesting idea; America is a country about big ideas. Big ideas rooted in a core that says that all human beings are created equally and we should treat them as such.

I’m sure I don’t have to articulate our failings as a country along those lines to you. But I do want to suggest that this is something we are missing in our country; the big idea. So I figured I’d talk about a few big ideas I’ve had, and at the end ask us: Why not?

Big idea: Americans deserve better government.
We really do. You know it, I know it: everyone knows it. But how do we get there? I have three ideas here: first make government more transparent.

Mr. President, you have been one of the worst offenders in this category, foiling FOIA requests and going after whistleblowers with more fervor than your predecessor. But one way to get people involved is for them to understand how things work and to be able to speak out fearlessly when they feel something is wrong. But how will our citizens know something is awry unless they are given information from those who comprehend how it works and are able to point to those accountable?

So I call upon you to make good on your promises of a more transparent government. We deserve it.

Second: Make November 4th a national holiday. If voting really is important, give us the day off to do it. (Plus, it gives the citizens a little bonus. Who couldn’t use some extra time off or, time and a half for working on such an important day?)

Third: institute mandatory sunset dates.
This is a huge step. If policies like the PATRIOT Act have mandated sunset dates, then they have to be revisited or let to go away. If certain farm subsidies, say for corn, were sunset in order to subsidize farmers making under $250,000 a year, for example, that might improve the agricultural backbone of this country. Plus; of the corn growers of America aren’t successful by now, they won’t ever be.

If the management of organizations; the Fed, the CIA, the FDA, the SEC had to resign after say 15 years-long enough to master it and make recommendations to the next group but without the security of a lifetime appointment-then perhaps the new blood would help refresh agencies with men and women who have ideas that can help change things. But not change things so much that we eliminate critical services nor find ourselves perpetually at the mercy of those who would distain government’s role in important matters.

Big idea: Americans need a common experience.
It is, by now, blatantly apparent to anyone paying attention to our discourse that Americans just don’t work together like they used to. The idea of America and being an American just isn’t quite enough: we need to have a common experience, an action that causes us all to, as was said in the movie Heartbreak Ridge “Eat a little of the same dirt.”

So I suggest making a mandatory civil service, for every unmarried American, to serve between the ages of 18 and 20. This service can be avoided by enlisting in the military, if one so chooses. The point is; by bringing young people from different walks of life together and giving them tasks where they have to rely on one another, there is an opportunity for Americans to actually see and experience different points of view.

We have a technology that allows us to share our experiences but we lack a common experience to share! This is one reason that cooperative politics have declined so much since the 1980’s, I believe: the statesmen who were once often bound together due to the draft, have moved on from public life, leaving those who have never had to step outside their own circle of experience.

As an added bonus, this would give young people an opportunity to see the country, to network, and to mature a little bit before entering college or trade school or whatever path of higher learning they might choose.

Big idea: Americans deserve equal access.
There is a rapidly decaying system of infrastructure in America, Mr. President. Roads and bridges in decline, a water and sewer system just waiting to implode and, just as importantly, a realm of information that is only available through technology, access to which hasn’t been updated in decades. But just as important as access to transportation and clean water, so is our access to the realm of the internet.

I am not suggesting that the government merely give away internet access to people or companies. Just as the government does not give away cars for people to use the roads with, nor sinks for people to run water through.

Let us rebuild; making the country more efficient, using new technologies to replace the roads, pipelines and wires that service us, to make this country a better place that allows for people to have the opportunities they need to make a life in this country.

And when we build for access, let us remember the importance of safety, not just in our physical world but in our online interactions. Let’s be a country that protects the privacy of our citizens online. It allows us to entertain unapproved or ‘dangerous’ thought and this is one of our greatest strengths as a nation. Protect it.

Big idea: America wants to be a beacon to the world.
Our standing internationally comes from two places, as I see it: our culture and the policies our government chooses to follow.

Our society has allowed us to develop a culture that is everywhere, that nearly every country is influenced by and takes part of: the movies, the videogames, the television, the books, sporting events and the music all flow out. Much less of the world’s culture flows in. That’s a good thing.

Now please, get the government to stop wrecking that. Two not so simple things that would probably go a long, long way.

First: we end the drug war. It’s been shown to affect poor Americans, and especially black Americans, disproportionally and is a mostly a way for law enforcement to make money, while our 4th Amendment rights are eroded.

Ending this war not only gives us money to invest in access and schools, it would probably go a long way for improving our relations with countries to the North and South of us, in addition to ending some of the most horrific violence I’ve ever heard of in Mexico. It would give the US a reason to stop fighting wars over opium and start providing humanitarian aid to those who need it.

It would end what has been forty years of failed policy. I think we would all agree, that’s more failure than anyone should have to stand.

Second: we cease giving military aid and backing to Israel.

Mr. President, the nation of Israel is not special. At the moment, I’d even go so far as to say they are acting like the spoiled little kid who acts like a bully, because they know their big brother will beat up anyone who tries to stop them. They are just as complicit in the evils of war as any other party involved in that area and until we stop supporting them unconditionally and start being more evenhanded to everyone in the region, a huge part of the world will hate us and rightly so, because we are being unfair, and being unfair is just an Unamerican value, sir.

If we value justice, we cannot be unjust.

We will have to make apologies. We will have to work harder than ever to talk to and create peaceful circumstances.

But it can be done. The question is; are we willing to do it? I hope so and it will have to start with you saying: no more will America support this failure.

Big idea: America needs to be the best country.

Mr. President, our country started off in a very unique way; we started off as an idea. All men are created equal and bestowed rights merely because they exist.

And as we’ve grown up, that idea has been something that has been allowed to do what it wasn’t, 200 years ago: encompass all the people of this nation and provide us with more ideas. It has been allowed to grow, to evolve beyond the limitations of the men who created it! That. Is. Amazing. By any view of the world that is just jaw dropping.

We have survived and thrived, I believe, because we had the best idea(s) and we allowed people to pursue those ideas, even ideas that were unpopular. Every time we have expanded upon the ability of the people to expose themselves to new ideas, our country has prospered in so many ways: from the abolition of slavery, to the rights of women, the GI Bill, allowing more men and women to go to college, the great society, to the civil rights movement, the Americans with Disabilities Act, even through today, with the use of the internet to expose more ideas and support the rights of gay and lesbians across the country, those ideas of freedom and dignity and access, have been what has brought men and women from across the world to live here. We never had the smartest race, we brought in the smartest people.

We need those ideas again. We need to support ideas again.

Mr. President, we need educated people, more than we ever have before.

And by educated, I don’t merely mean universities. I mean trade schools, community colleges, high schools. Anywhere an American goes to learn something about the world around him or her. Ideas need to become a priority for us again, because we can create our future out of them.

But we have to support the realm of ideas, the place where we dream something new! Take the money from the drug war, from the incarceration of millions, and put it into schools and teachers and programs that support the endeavors of Americans to be more to the world than just consumers.

We were founded on ideas. Let’s love them too.

A new shape to our ideas are coming, Mr. President, involving how we interact with each other. I want you to help us get at the forefront of it.

I got to try the L’Agent Orange from Cascade Brewing. Sour ale kept in Makers Mark barrels. Pretty amazing, though you’ll have to come to Portland to get it, sir.

Sincerely,

Monday, March 5

The third decade

I got laid a lot.

Of course there was much more to it than that, but...I got laid a lot.

I also learned how to drink, learned how to be social in a group, how to navigate situations where I was a stranger. I did this in a manner that allowed me to see a chunk of the world that many people do not and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I realized that being mean was leaving me lonely and unhappy, so I decided to do something different. Being kind has worked much better, though it has taken me a little while to get there.

I was a less than good boyfriend. A chunk of that decade as about learning to be a better one.

As a matter of fact, I think a great deal of that decade could be described as the one where I tried to improve everything, one way or another. It didn't always work but it certainly kept my mind open, at least in a personal way.

Professionally...that's another beast.

Thursday, March 1

The second decade

This is the decade where I learned to be mean.

I don't entirely blame myself for this: my examples were poor, I was being mistreated in school, things were very, very difficult. It's certainly possible I could've become a kind person at that time in spite of it all but it was unlikely.

And so I wasn't. It was partly a way to keep people from humiliating me, partly a way to filter out who could be or wasn't my friend. It also put me in touch with my own darkness, or certainly brought it out, which is something I have to admit, I needed in order to understand myself better.

But I was not kind and I have a few regrets as a result.

I learned a bit about how to treat women, who had previously baffled me: like I would a man, was my decision. I learned that didn't always work out but it wasn't a bad place to start. I even ended up dating one, for the first time and what I learned from that could be its own short stage drama. So let's not go there.

I also learned how to tell a joke, how to find comradery in the trenches of shitty jobs, tell stories that people might want to hear, read books that let me know there was a more interesting world out there than I knew and probably most significantly, I learned about heavy metal.

Man, did I love heavy metal. Still do-it's one of those threads that wind through my life, even now, nearly twenty five years later. I still love heavy metal.

I'm not entirely sure what that says about me, except that when I love something I tend to love it for a long time. My favorite color is still green. Most of the few friends I've had I still have: there aren't many but they're still around, is the point.

That's pretty lucky.

Monday, February 27

Letter sent 2.27

Dear Mr. President,
Lately I have been finishing off Stephen Erikson’s Malazan series of books. I prefer to read while taking the bus to work, since books still seem to be one of the best ways to really engage in a story and it allows me to tune out the daily commute. I have no idea when someone in your position might get reading like that done; one of the biggest drawbacks to being in charge has got to be having to rely on other people giving you information when you used to get your own. The Malazan books are a high fantasy series (sword and sorcery) that, as it approaches its conclusion, has an undercurrent theme of the decline of an empire.

For example:
“The more civilized a nation, the more conformed its population, until that civilization's last age arrives, when the multiplicity wages war with conformity. The former grows ever wilder, ever more dysfunctional in its extremities; whilst the latter seeks to increase its measure of control, until such efforts acquire diabolical tyranny.”-Duiker, Toll the Hounds

It is difficult, as an American, to not read passages like this as though they are a commentary on my own country. I never thought we, of all countries, would have an empire but the signs are too great to ignore. Which is mostly an aside, really: the situation is what it is.

It does seem, however, that the battle is between the have and the have nots. I seem to read daily about how corporations are getting their way because they have the money to walk the halls of power, while individuals find themselves increasingly marginalized and, as a result, behaving in less and less appropriate manners. An easy example of this would be the recent SOPA and PIPA acts; things that were so blatant in their attempts to suppress “piracy” that they actively overstepped the rule of law, yet were being seriously considered, seriously enough, anyway, for massive protests to be required in order to put a stop to them. Of course that isn’t the end of it, so what it demonstrates to me is how much effort is spent to increase or insist upon control.

A very similar argument could be waged against the drug war: we have lost it under any rational metric. However, instead of changing the policies of failure, a change that has shown demonstrable improvement in Portugal, we continue to fund increased surveillance and bigger prisons.

Why else would we do that, except to ensure control against a society that is increasingly insisting upon their rights?

And who benefits from having all these people jailed? Who benefits from ensuring that the authorities know what kinds of thoughts we are interested in?

This is the question I find myself asking over and over: Who benefits from this? Who benefits from curbing our rights so, to extending copyright beyond what it should be, to concentrating money at the top, starving schools for funding and imprisoning our citizens?

The answers seem to keep coming back to large corporations.

If, as you said in the last State of the Union, you believe that government should only do for people what they cannot do for themselves and no more, then why should our government assist any corporation that is successful? Corporate subsidies, laws dangerously slanted to their advantage, no-bid contracts: how is this not stepping into do something for these entities that they should be able to handle on their own?

They are dangerously close to creating a tyranny of the minority and what I need from my government is to protect me from that. Or at least level the playing field so that, as a nation of laws, I can expect those laws to apply in a just manner.

I think you also missed a golden opportunity in the State of the Union, sir. You said that you would sign a bill banning insider trading tomorrow, if it was sent to you. Which is great! However, there was an opportunity for you to tell the people of the country to motivate our representatives and it went by, lost. There was a chance to talk to us and I’m thinking you need to take it, sometime. The State of the Union was critical for Congress when television didn’t exist but now it’s a moment when everyone is watching and I believe you have a chance to challenge Americans to continue to do something great.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve got for now. Other big ideas will come next time, I’m sure. My beer recommendation is Deschutes’ Red Chair NWPA (northwest pale ale—just a fancy name for a solid IPA) and I’ve just started reading Jacob Needleman’s American Soul. I’m about ten pages in and I’m thinking everyone should read it.

As always, I hope we get to have a discussion of some kind, someday but if not, that’s alright. Best to you and yours.

Sincerely,

Thursday, February 23

The first ten years

It's not easy to recall what I learned when I was very young and everything gets put through a filter; time makes some things seem not as bad or less awesome. But I don't want to approach it that way, too much: the things I loved I loved. The things that were bad, not so much-even if now, it doesn't seem so.

I want to focus on the positive but I almost feel like that would be doing myself a disservice. I learned things and they weren't all good.

I learned that I would be mocked for loving something people didn't understand much about (in my case, dinosaurs and space exploration.) I learned that I didn't want to be different but I was; my clothes, my glasses, my interests. I learned to be exclusive, because I was afraid of being teased by newcomers and I didn't take teasing well at all from anyone, especially people close to me. I learned that being smart didn't seem to matter to anyone else but my parents.

I learned to hate work. I remember my parents bought me a 'Slave Boy' t-shirt because of my complaints. I think I took it pretty well, all things considered. I wore it, at least.

I learned that going to people in charge was no way to ensure that your problem would be taken care of. That one hurt, quite a bit.

I think I learned a lot of things that would make me sad, later and mean, too. But there were some important and good things too.

I learned the good guys didn't always win and that bothered me. They should. Being right matters-though at the time, I thought that being right meant getting your way.

I learned that you stand by your friends; the promise you make to them matters, because I didn't like it when someone broke a promise to me.

I learned that thunderstorms, light sabers and giant lizards with teeth were cool, that maybe the monsters weren't all bad. I learned to ride a bike. I learned I like to walk around and see the city. Wintergreen was tastier than spearmint. That there was something about girls that I couldn't figure out but I liked-or at least wanted to like. They scared the hell out of me. Women, not so much; they at least talked to me about things I could understand-or let me talk about things I understood.

I learned to build spaceships from Legos and Tinker Toys. I learned to tell stories and draw maps and all that mattered was that things were cool.

I learned to read and to love stories. I'm sure I'm missing more but there are three more decades to go and only so much time.

Thursday, January 26

Letter sent 1.26.12

Dear President Obama,
I hope your holidays were enjoyable! I’m writing this too soon to tell you about mine though but I have high hopes that things will be fine.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the saying “The good is the enemy of the great”?

That’s what I’ve been thinking about, when pondering some of the issues facing our country. Mostly, sad to say, how we as a nation seem to be settling for good and what good is defined as seems to be sliding towards the negative, wherever it can slide.

When I read about how your Justice Department fails to go after the people who broke (or likely broke) laws governing Wall Street so that our financial markets remain secure, or how people or corporations who were brought to trial were imposed paltry fines, I feel like we have merely accepted what is good, instead of what is great.

My brain drug up that saying, “The good is the enemy of the great”, after watching a piece on 60 Minutes, the one asking why nobody was being prosecuted for corruption on Wall Street, as a result of the housing crisis. During that broadcast, a woman charged with following up on reports of corruption at Countrywide said that she was told by a broker (I’m paraphrasing here) “I’m not paid by the quality of the mortgages I bring in.” That statement alone says much about what we are OK with as Americans, now.

It took about two days before I remembered a report I read on food in this country and why farmers are reluctant to switch to practices that are less harmful to the planet and provide better tasting food but will give them a lower yield. Again, I’ll have to paraphrase: “I am not paid by the quality of the tomato, but by how many tons I ship.”

On a personal level, I see this all the time: people ordering Pabst Blue Ribbon at a pub instead of an excellent microbrew, when the difference can be as little as seventy-five cents because they want more, not better.

Mr. President, if I want volume I’ll listen to Metallica. The 80’s stuff: I can’t stand anything done between 1990 and 2002.

In great societies, justice is something that comes to everyone, regardless of their station in life. Is pursued with appropriate vigor and more importantly, is celebrated. A society that recognizes and settles for the powerful doing what they want, regardless of the rules, is one that has settled for the good.

Neither of us is foolish enough to believe that the powerful will never find themselves in situations where they are untouched by the consequences of the law but to use that as an excuse to do nothing misses the entire point of having a society where one of the defining characteristics is that everyone is equal under the law, entirely because they are NOT equal (and in some cases cannot be equal) in many other places.
Yet here we are as a nation, in a situation where Americans don’t think that they are getting treated fairly in comparison to the wealthy. In many cases, they can demonstrate how this is true, pointing to situations both social and legal where a wealthy person had power they should not have. The proof is right there in front of their eyes and most are not in a position to change this.

To extend this to the farming world; the groceries I am able to purchase that are made with corn subsidies are significantly cheaper. I can get more of that food, but they are terrible for me in volume. Every respected study demonstrates this. Yet what is emphasized is more, instead of the quality of the food and the ability to feed ourselves as a nation and beyond, into the future.

Now, I don’t know how to address that mindset, precisely, but I do know that the consequences of relentless greed in our country have been more than adequately demonstrated and because we have decided to accept the good instead of strive for the great, those people who instigated this set of circumstances are not investigated nor prosecuted. That fact eats at us, as though we are being fed unhealthy food, especially when we see that your Administration has gone after government whistleblowers with a vengeance or that people responsible for our current woes as a nation, especially fiscally, are being put in positions of power in the government.

I don’t know how we become great until we expect greatness and that expectation has to come from the top as well as the bottom, Mr. President. I think we can be great; give us the circumstances to do so.


In the meantime, if you haven’t had a chance to try Sam Adams’ Mighty Oak ale, I recommend it. Solid malty brew with a hint of vanilla. I just don’t want to end on a down note, you know?


Sincerely,


P.S. Nice State of the Union address. Maybe I’ll talk about that next time.

Tuesday, January 3

Welcome to the internet

Read this bit and some of the subsequent thread.

I have to say: this is why mob justice is frightening-it simply does not know when to quit. Dude was an asshole, dude deserved to be fired from his job.

But so many people didn't want to leave it there and so they end up threatening a wife and child. How is that OK?

You want the power of making right wrongs, bros, then you have to know when your right becomes a wrong.

Just sayin'.

Thursday, December 22

Letter sent 12.21.11

Dear President Obama,
This is, admittedly, a little strange: as a public figure-one whom I employ, no less-I have a sense of you but we’ve never met. Yet I’m writing a letter, something that, in this day and era has become, I hope, a bit more personal than it used to be. That you don’t know anything about me is what makes this unusual, at least from my end.

Perhaps a few details will help: I’m 39 and I just bought my first house in Portland, OR. I’ve lived in the Pacific NW all my life but I was fortunate to travel to Europe in college and that did a great deal to broaden my horizons. I’ve also been lucky enough to have enough money to indulge the occasional whim and still keep a roof over my head. I brew beer and play games as a way of making and strengthening my social circle. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for seven years and I’m very glad she likes me as much as she does. I read as much as I can, write when I’m able and walk every day to get some exercise.

I don’t expect you will read this, nor have the time to respond. That’s OK: I’m writing this just as much for me as I am to you. If this letter is fortunate enough to make it to you personally, then I count myself lucky. I’d prefer not to get a form letter back. I’m a citizen and I have some things to say. If we can’t have a discussion, well that’s alright but I’d ratjer we didn’t have a discussion because you’re the President and busy and I’m a citizen and busy than us having a ‘pretend’ discussion where I get pre-stamped responses.

Maybe when this is all over, and the letters have been written, your term is done and things settle down a little (which may be some time away, I understand) then we could have a beer. In the meanwhile, let’s get to talking, shall we?

I’ve been watching things as closely as I’m able and I’ve heard you use the phrase “it’s the right thing to do” in the State of the Union Address. I’m not sure that you and I agree on what the right thing is, unfortunately. Is the right thing to do prosecuting, with even greater vigor, whistleblowers in the government, or firing people who have a different point of view?

Does doing the right thing include using drones against faraway people, especially those whom the government has not used evidence to prove they are a threat to the citizenry, not going after the fraud on Wall Street, despite the tremendous wave of economic damage they have wrought upon not only our country but the world, or advocating the rights of corporations through things like the SOPA act, or dangerously extending the government’s powers via the Patriot act, up to and including bill S. 1867 which would allow for indefinite imprisonment, even of US citizens, accused of terrorism, and that they be tried via the military instead of the civilian court system?

Is the right thing to do to employ many of the architects of our current crises with the direction of fixing it? To allow the people to get away with crimes both fiscal and moral?

That, of course, is just a sampling of things that I am aware of and when I hear you talk about the right thing to do, I can’t help but question what it is that you know about the right thing versus what I know about the right thing to do. I accept that you are privy to information that I am not but I would be willing to bet that in most of those cases, the information you know doesn’t change a thing.

Naturally, I don’t blame all of this on you. You have to make choices and they can’t all be good ones. The health care debacle that came last year, the manufactured debt ceiling crisis; these events do not settle on your shoulders alone.

But you’re the person I talk to, because you’re the person who needs to speak up.

Which leads us to what I think is the next problem.

America suffers from a lack of vision. As the President of the US, I expect you to articulate a vision for us, to raise the bar and tell us what the great thing is that we, as a country, should be striding for.

But you do not articulate that vision. You articulate standards or, sadly, you articulate nonsense. The best example of the former I can think of is in the last State of the Union, you told us that our goal should be to cut fossil fuel dependency by 80%.

No. That is not our goal. Our goal is to cut fossil fuel dependency for personal vehicles 100% by 2030. No exceptions. That’s a goal. Anything else is a standard, is something that can have exceptions made to it.

Of the latter, the phrase ‘win the future’ comes to mind. This is a tragic use of language for anyone who is paying attention. No one can win something that doesn’t exist, Mr. President, and the future, by its very nature, is always out of reach.

My problem with that language is simple: Americans don’t like things that are unwinnable, (see our dispassion for soccer, a game that willfully accepts ties) and despise things that allow us to get away with less than our best (see the public’s current contempt for Congress.)

We want to be challenged, Mr. President. More than anything else, I think this is what is lacking: great things are not asked of us, expectations are no longer high, and when someone maliciously screws up, they are no longer punished. I don’t mean punishment for failure (although I think consequences still should exist,) I mean punishment for wrongdoing. It may have always been true that people with wealth and power could get away with more but at least in America, for a time, there was an effort to ensure that everyone was equal under the law.

This includes those who hate us. Which is why, yes, it IS hard to bring terrorists to trial in order to bring them to justice but it is something that we, as a country, need to do. It is painstaking to ensure economic equality, to prosecute for difficult crimes and yet by not doing these things, you and those like you in the Beltway, are essentially saying: We don’t think America can handle the difficult choices or make the needed sacrifices.
But we can, so long as it is fair and just.

We need to do the difficult thing, Mr. President. We need to be challenged to be our best and we, as a people, need you to articulate that goal for us, so we have something to reach for. Something concrete and accomplishable, something that does not allow for failure, something that is bolder and defies the wasteful paths of the last three decades.

And we need you to set that bar and then let us meet it. I am, as a citizen, expecting great things from you, because those expectations need to be met and I voted for you in part because of the merits you brought to the table, suggesting that you would be able to the task. Ask of us. Ask great things of us, but ask them of all of us or do not bother, Mr. President.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you, your family and friends, sir.

Sincerely,

Friday, September 30

Crazy from self inflicted injuries

Hurt myself on Monday-something weird on my ribcage. Probably going to have to see a doc about it and that is not something that I ever look forward to. Especially with a long drive coming up, and moving after that.

A friend of mine who doesn't talk to me anymore has returned to the continent. I still see the circles of the universe she travels in from time to time and...it saddens me that we don't talk. But I wish her safe journeys and excellent beers.

In other news, this collaborative track of Lou Reed and Metallica is not very well done. The music isn't bad-though it's not great either-but they vocals are horribly matched to the music.

And in case you can't get enough bummer in your day, here's David Simon talking about how things are going downhill...in 2007.

All in all, it's a glum Friday.

Monday, August 22

New hypothesis

Men want a new sex partner at about the same rate that women want a new puppy/kitty/baby, and for about as long.

Tuesday, July 19

All things must pass

And so it will be that my sister's beloved cat, The Reverend Horton Heat will soon be put down, likely in the next few days. He's been in the family for over fifteen years and seen a lot of road, climbed a few trees, beaten off his fair share of idiot dogs and meowed his way into the house more times than I can remember.

He's old and he's very sick and it's the right thing to do. He's not himself; I got to catsit for him a month ago and while there was a little bit of old cat grumpiness in him, he mostly wanted to be left alone, or to be pet. The playing with rubber bands or strut to go outside, these were gone and he was weak and a bit frail, now. He warmed up to me near the end of the second day, sat on my lap and even slept nearby and I am grateful to have gotten the opportunity to care for him.

He's a good cat though; one of the best. Didn't take any shit and was perfectly content to walk away, unless you bugged him, then you got the bite you deserved.

Most of all, he reminded my sister that she was loved during times in her life when she didn't feel very loved and perhaps her brother was not doing his best to let her know this. She needed him and he never failed her. Not much more you can say about a good pet, is there?

He was lucky to have someone as awesome as my sister and she was fortunate-as was my family-to have him around. I'll miss him when he's gone.

I only can ask that the Universe do as it does with all good souls; guide them gently to the next place.

Godspeed, Rev.

Thursday, July 14

Unnecessary Validation

With the glory of Google+ coming up all the events that haunt me about previous social networking sites come up.

There's being made invisible, there's finding myself in splintered communities-one too silly and insular, the other too small, serious and insular and neither of them having people I connect to anymore.

I just don't have anything to say to those active and they seem to feel the same way about me. That's a theme in a couple places.

There's also just a general annoyance with the circular nature of people. I can all too frequently predict what conversation I'm going into or what will be said in response to a topic and that has become dreary. Again and again it's the same; 'Approve of my feelings/thoughts/whatever'. It does not teach me anything-and it's hard work to actually pay attention to repetition.

Yeah, yeah; it's not them, it's me. Still, it's grinding sometimes and I don't have places to bitch about it...so here I am going for my own unnecessary validation. The irony is not lost on me.

Monday, July 11

Gear up for it

I have to get a cover letter written and a resume sent for a job. I can do this.

I can.

grrrrr

Friday, June 10

Immediacy

I'm having trouble living in the now. Part of this just has to do with a general element of gloom that has settled on me for a few days.

But part of it is about the future. I have about $120 bucks left-after all the other bills are paid, to enjoy the month with. Assuming, of course, that everything else comes in at or if I'm fortunate, under, budget.

Last night at the OBC meeting, there was a call to go get a beer at the Green Dragon. I said I couldn't afford it and someone said, 'Hey, I'll catch you this time and you can get me next.' And I still had to say no, because there isn't going to be a 'next time' where I could afford to do such a thing.

Which is goddamn depressing. Everything I do has to take the next 30 days in mind. I am already meeting someone for a drink tonight, in order to get some writing going for the beer blog and the girlfriend and I are having pizza Saturday.

So...there goes $25-ish.

Everything I do has to be about the future. Nothing can be about the now because I don't have resources to fall back on, should the future throw curveballs. So I can't be happy about the future-it's just a gigantic space of 'what ifs'-and I can't be pleased to exist in the now because the now is presenting me with opportunities I cannot take advantage of.

Tuesday, May 31

Scheduling

So, PAX is sold out of tickets. I will, once again, hardly know anyone. Kind of a drag, that.

/I just look forward to playing Magic a bunch and it hardly ever works out

Also, because my Dad wants to come up and see the family, I am attending the wedding for a cousin I haven't met-or at the least, haven't seen in nearly twenty five years.

However, as a result of going to this fucking event where I will see people I don't care about, I will miss an event I care very much for: Bailey's 4th anniversary party. That Fuz will attend.

In summation; August, you'd better be good.

Monday, May 16

Dead Space 2 wrapup

Finished Dead Space 2 last night. I played the game on hard (survivalist in the game language) and it's the first time I've done that in a long time. I'd read the game was a bit too easy on normal though and since I'd bought the game I had no reason to go through it hurriedly so I played on hard.

I'm not sure I'm going to play through on hard again. Even with the FAQ guidance (which I was using to make sure I didn't miss any Gold Nodes-the critical components for upgrading your weapons and armor) that game would fucking stress me out.

So I found myself in a hurry to finish the game because I was looking forward to the anxiety being over. If I play it again, it'll be at an easier difficulty level but I may take a crack at other games on hard, because accomplishment is a reward that's nice to have. But the frustration level was, occasionally, a little too high.

That said, reflecting upon the experience; it was only frustrating when I went in without a strategy-or when the strategy would just barely miss. Everything had to be very, very precise at certain points and I tend to be a little sloppy when I play videogames.

It brings me to two points though: First, the end boss.

I felt as though I had very few metrics for whether or not I was actually doing damage and no metric for how effective the damage I was doing was. I realize that health bars are gauche now but I needed something to tell me how effective I was being aside from gruesome death scenes.

Second; at one point in the game you come across a regenerating baddie who chases you through rooms. It ceases to chase you after you...take an elevator.

Really? You couldn't have some kind of system or laser defense or something? This thing survives being sawed into tiny pieces and crawls through ductwork like a snake but the harsh environs of an elevator defeat it?

Aside from that, I rather enjoyed most of it, though it plays more like a bloody horror game than a creepy event that really sucks. Granted, for 15 hours that's a lot of atmosphere to try and keep up on. The occasional splatter is advised-and probably necessary if you want to put giant monsters in the game. When Dead Space 2 is creepy, it's seriously creepy-that those moments are few and far between is alright.

What I really needed was some proper audio. The mindfuck moments have a character-a fairly crucial one-not always properly audible and that's pretty relevant to sustaining the kind of dread that the game wants to put in.

Wednesday, May 11

On groups

There was a moment last night when I stood there and realized I didn't have anyone to talk to and didn't feel like I could go up to anyone and talk to them. All I could think at that point was: I'm doing everything right, aren't I? Getting involved, being around people, helping?

Instead I just felt really lonely. Sometimes I think this is one of the primary motives behind coupling up; so you don't have to stand alone at gatherings looking awkward and feeling worse.

I also remembered that I'm 39 and some things still haven't gone away, and that's depressing too.

Monday, December 27

End of the year goodness

Genesis Device-Cloudkicker.
I listened to a lot of Cloudkicker this year. All the awesome of aggro metal without the frequently irritating vocalists. Lots of people hailed Beacons as a great record and it's certainly a solid effort but I stumbled onto Cloudkicker this year so the entire catalog is open to me.

Power-Kanye West.
I am as big a sucker for a killer single as anyone else and this one is huge. I haven't even listened to the whole album yet; this song is still killer.


Snakes for the Divine-High On Fire.

This song was described as their 'Thunderstruck' and I'm hard pressed to disagree. The album felt little uneven for me but this is probably one of the best opening tracks to a metal record that you could ask for.

Blind in One Eye-Coliseum.
"Ain't no key left in this hand...ain't no hope left in this room,"
There are some lines that just resonate and that's one for me. I don't think this song is about devastation, I think it's about discovering there are things you hide from yourself that you can't hide from others.

Little Monkey-Armored Saint.
I suppose it says something when a band that, twenty years ago, would've been considered heavy metal (and still is by those who've listened to it for long enough) is now using Van Halen-esque harmonies in their choruses. That's not to suggest that Armored Saint is suddenly just a rock band or that the guitars are up with Van Halen's. But they made a damn solid hard rock album that I think I would've loved at 17 and still somehow really like at 38.

He Films The Clouds Pt 2-Maybeshewill.
So I recommend Cloudkicker to a friend, sending the myspace link to Cloudkicker so he can get an idea of what they sound like and he comes back with; Did you hear this band? They're apparently 'friended' on MS.
The moral of the story; sometimes the internet works.

God's Gonna Cut You Down-Johnny Cash.
I heard way too many clips of this song being used to sell me shit, mostly because it's got one of the most amazing riffs ever. But the music has nothing to do with a product someone wants me to buy into. The long and short of it is, this is one of my favorite songs by the Man in Black. Guitar gods everywhere wish they'd come up with this, tuned it down and slogged through this one. In honor of the awesome of this song and to keep it from being a corporate whore I had to include it.

I Gave You All-Mumford and Sons.
This one is about defeat. Sometimes, it's like that.

Love Like A Sunset Part 1 and 2-Phoenix.
I generally don't include two songs by the same group back to back but in this case an exception had to be made. Phoenix does some really nice pop music however Love Like A Sunset is why they're interesting. The first part is this Tangerine Dream influenced soundscape that gently segues into a catchy riff that becomes the second song, which dreamily ends, all the crescendo happening previously. I don't know if Phoenix will be a great band but certainly taking risks like that make them more interesting than 90% of other bands working the genre.

That Dress Looks Nice On You/Make You Feel That Way-Sufjan Stevens/Tor.
It's a sign of the times, I suppose, that one of the songs I listened to a lot this year is a mashup. Speaking of...

Triple Double-Girl Talk.
Girl Talk has managed to produce three records in a row of solid to awesome quality and all of them are pretty much meant to be the soundtrack to your crazy party. I'm not sure you can dance to it for very long because the energy level is nearly inhuman. This music may have the motor of a five year old and the mentality of a 24 year old but that's probably what makes it work.

Tell Them-Sleigh Bells.
Which brings me to this bombast. It's too aggressive, too loud to be pop music but it's not heavy enough or dense enough to be rock, really. Like dance music that's been hit with the mutant gene or something.

The Water Glass-Melvins.
The Melvins have devolved a bit for me; I'm not sure that I like entire albums they do, anymore. However, when you've been playing as long as they have, doing pretty much whatever they like with as consistent a quality, I'm fairly certain they don't need to please me. All that said; this was a really solid opening to their latest and is just the kind of transition song a list like this needs.

Absolute Dissent-Killing Joke.
The latest album from KJ just can't hold up to Hosannas From The Basement of Hell because, frankly, Hosannas is the kind of record you get to make once in a lifetime. They couldn't do anything else but this album; a solid one that touches on their past, continues with their vision and mines the strengths of Hosannas.
But a solid album from Killing Joke is still going to be better than a great album from many other bands.

I Hold Grudges-Goes Cube
This was a band I found out about in '09 but didn't pay attention to until '10. Somewhere in between the punk-metal-rock cloud bands like Goes Cube mine a whole bunch of ignored territory. Ignored because people tend to get stuck on things like genre purity. Fuck 'em.


The Theatre Goer-Daughters.

Daughters' self-titled album was probably the record I ignored almost to the point of criminality. Sad, because every time I listened to it the record just got better and better. Weird and yet really catchy with a vocalist that doesn't always make it easy, the whole album is full of moments of standout riffs that draw me in. I'll probably listen to it more in '11, likely on the strength of songs like The Theatre Goer.


Widower-The Dillinger Escape Plan.

DEP is always very hard for me to ignore but very difficult for me to love.They're undeniably talented on pretty much every level; even the lyrics, as hard as they might be to understand until you read them (and then suddenly they crystalize like a giant snowflake) are just awesome. But damn if they don't work the jazz-metal thing to the absolute limits of my tolerance.

In Your Words-Lamb of God.
This was the year I got into Lamb of God. Granted, I think last year was also the year where they elevated their game with Wrath-but of course I didn't hear it until the album showed up on all these end of year best lists. I'd given them a shot before and even seen them open for Slipknot but just couldn't get into the music, even though I could definitely see the appeal because they put on a good show. Fortunately for me, not only was Wrath good but so is Sacrament, a track from which makes an appearance a little later on.

Apocalyptic Havoc-Goatwhore.
Once upon a time, it was really easy for me to say that I didn't like black metal. The vocals were unintelligible and the music wasn't made to be liked, or so it seemed. But damn if this isn't one of the best opening riffs ever. So I converted, at least for this album-which was also released in '09 but appeared on a bunch of 'best of' lists.

Virus-Black Breath.
Maybe you saw them, these great punk bands playing in some shitty bar in your hometown; fast and gritty and loud, and you really hoped they'd make it because man, they just blew everybody else off the stage.
Well, at least one of those bands made it.

Underneath the Waves-Strapping Young Lad.
It's really, really, really rare for me to include a song I've heard in years past. Lamb of God or Cloudkicker have discographies that extend past this year but I just got into them so they're new to me. SYL's stuff I've been into for years-before the band broke up, even.
However, the glories of random shuffling on iTunes brought this song to my attention again at a time when I really needed to hear it. It's super aggressive sonically but lyrically the theme of "I am tired of the boring bullshit that leads to nothing" just worked for me.

the sun, the earth-Constants
I love it when albums surprise me with a hook somewhere that isn't the first or last song. Granted, this is the second song on the album but still; anything to help shake me out of the flow of a record and pay attention is usually good.


Core Relations-Intronaut.

A concept album based around LA. Neat! I suppose this is filed under stoner rock but I don't see that so much. Influenced by, sure but this is like a slightly more catchy Isis to my ears.

You've Seen the Butcher-Deftones.
The Deftones have had a hell of a few years, with the Saturday Night Wrist album proving they can still bring the noise, then having their bassist go into a coma while writing a brand new album, shelving that record to make a new one because touring on the comatose bassist's work felt wrong and going full out to make a new record.

And the new record is stellar. How about that?

Dethroned-Jesu.
At this point, I feel like I practically have to have an Jesu song on my end of year lists. Hell, even as it stands Justin Broadrick is all over this list, having produced the Constants album and doing a remix of a Pelican song that made it on, down the line.

Blacken the Cursed Sun-Lamb of God.
I wish I'd seen LoG when they had written this song. It's probably 100% crowd pleaser.

Scum Will Rise-Nails.
Nails probably released the angriest album of the year. I think this song is maybe a minute thirty seconds but it flays.

The Dream is Dead-Type O Negative.
Peter Steele died this year and when that happened I took it upon myself to investigate the Type O history a bit more than I had. I've always liked TON but albums never seemed to settle on me. There were great songs, which I'd tape (very old school I know) and then usually sell the CD off because the album just didn't work for me. But Life is Killing Me and Dead Again were the two albums I poked around on and looking at it, it's more likely that I was just not ready to really love Type O Negative. A rare metal band with a sense of humor, they will be missed.

Plus, there's something about a man howling, "The dream is dead." If you've been there, you know.

Renew-Rosetta.
More shoegaze metal. Rosetta didn't produce an immediately catchy record but as with Daughters, it was one that went frequently unlistened by me and I aim to make that up in the next few months because every time I hear it I like it.

Final Exit-Fear Factory.
Probably the best closing song to a FF album, ever. The album itself was solid and very much a return to the form of Demanufacture or Obsolete but this was the song that suggested to me that the band that stretched what sounds metal bands could incorporate on those older records was still alive. I don't know if Fear Factory has another album in them but if this is their revisit to Demanufacture and the next one is the Obsolete revisit, then that will be damned impressive.

This was also the song that, when I started building this list, was going to be the one I wanted as a closer. As the list got built, it became more apparent that this song was instead going to be the beginning of the end but that works too.

Angel Tears-Pelican, remixed by Justin Broadrick.
Took me some time to acquire this song; iTunes wouldn't let me buy just this one, it insisted I get the entire 3 song single which includes the original version-which I already have. On CD.

But man, is it a brilliant rework of the original. Fifteen minutes and I wasn't bored.

Out Again-Torche.
Torche probably made the most pop friendly heavy album of the year and undoubtedly one of my favorite videos for the year. I wish this album had gotten more attention because man it's good. The band works that last riff into the ground for probably three minutes but I don't care; it's catchy and fading it off is the exact right move. As good as Final Exit was, this song had to be the penultimate one. It says goodbye in a sad but not cheerless manner and I think I'd like to remember my year that way. I won some, I lost some but it wasn't all bad.

God Be With Ye-Cloudkicker.
It's just a nice finisher; the kind that allows me to start the list up all over again.

Tuesday, December 7

Dear President Obama

Basic tax information is available to anyone with an internet connection, readable by anyone with sense organs and understandable by anyone with half a lick of common sense.

QUIT FUCKING ABOUT AND COMPROMISING ON EVERY GODDAMNED THING.

Jesus. I voted for someone to lead the country, not play the violin while the city burns.

Monday, October 25

So I saw Inception

Pretty strong film.
The drawbacks; the soundtrack was too loud and overwhelmed dialog multiple times. This is bad.

I wanted about 15 more minutes in that movie to offer me some characterization for the players beyond the main one. Almost nobody smiles in this film and while the Inception gets a lot right, it doesn't really capture the whimsy that dreams often bring. Even a few moments of whimsy-two-would have been enough, something to give the characters a little bit more than gravity to work with, to show that they are connected to one another.

That I wouldn't mind another 15 minutes in a movie that's two point five hours long already is a really good sign.

The good; the acting is solid and the directing is very good. The finale is one of those things that only movies can do and it's always amazing to see someone take advantage of the artistic medium that way. Worth seeing in the theater for that alone.

Thursday, October 14

Wednesday, September 1

Oh boy

Everyone else is in a meeting. Should I be in that meeting? I don't think so...it's not on my calendar...but everyone else is there... rargh brain won't stop worrying!

Feels like it's been a downer week. Going to visit friends, Mom, and PAX. This should turn everything around.

Thursday, August 26

It doesn't matter why

They don't want to talk to you.

Wednesday, August 25

eh, I guess

I mean, they resurrected the consu and yay for everyone. I care but I don't. Just like the old community; I care and I don't anymore.

I care because it's my nature. I don't because I just want to get away from the silly shit that was there. I'm a little adrift and so...so there it is.

A few days and I'm sure I'll be fine. Walking is still good for the soul.

Saturday, July 10

Friday, June 25

With sympathy

So, Paul Gray died of an accidental OD. He was the bassist for the heavy metal band Slipknot, and pretty close to my age.

What's disheartening for me is the comments to the story-as always. Addiction, by most medical accounts, is classified as a disease and the idea that he just should've been a better person is kinda insane.

And is probably why we have a process of imprisonment instead of treatment when it comes to drugs.

Tuesday, June 8

The new guy

I recently got Left 4 Dead 2. 8 plus months (or so) after the game was released I was able to afford it and because I loved the original I was looking forward to playing the game. I could even afford the occasional DLC now!

L4D is noteworthy for me because it's the first game I played online and remains so for the time being. Because the mechanics of the game insist that you help each other out, leaving someone behind isn't quite forbidden but nobody wants to do it. Of course, I've had the experience of telling or being told; "No! Go without me I'm done for!" but for the most part when someone gets in trouble, you go back and help, right?

There is a 'but' of course.

I'm the new guy. I don't know the maps, I don't know how the new Infected work, or the new health devices. Yes, I read the instructions but it's a game; you have to play it to understand.

Which is why it has been so discouraging to be the newbie.

I'm about average at gaming and I try to keep a casual attitude about it. But no matter what; I still have to learn how things work. In Dead Center, I didn't know that the goal was to fill the car with gas-I didn't hear the characters tell me what the goal was. The people I was playing with didn't tell me, often ran ahead without me and one person even asked why I kept getting lost and knocked down.

"I'm new and I don't know the maps," I said, trying to sound cheerful but I couldn't escape the feeling that the other players were done with me. A few minutes later, they left, we failed the mission and I started over with bots.

Sigh. I kept at it and eventually people joined up, including another new player, and we got through the mission.

Last night I attempted to get through Dark Carnival. I found a room, waited, and when the party leader asked, "Are we ready to go?" I replied, "You bet!" and he said, "Not you," and kicked me from the game.

I didn't even know the guy and yeah, I shouldn't take it personally but it's hard not to. I'm new, I want to learn how to play and play better, I want to explore a bit and see what cool routes or jokes or things might be hidden in the game. I don't know many people who play online so I'm out there, trying to make new friends, in the casual sense of the word. And people don't want to show the the ropes/have fun with me, so it's hard.

Because I'm late. I'm the new kid at school and nobody wants to tell me where the lunchroom is.

Everybody is new sometimes and if you want people to keep playing the game you love, you have to welcome the newbies. I know not everyone is going to mesh and become best chums or anything as silly as that, but is it really such a pain in the ass to help a new player who isn't being a dick through one mission?

If it is, then play on a private channel so we don't muck up your good time. Everyone will be happier.

Monday, May 3

It doesn't matter how much you love me

a little is alright...-You Better, You Bet-The Who

On my way home last night it struck me how little love we seem to need. People can get by on tiny amounts, sustaining themselves over months or years, so long as they get some. This is especially true if all other things in a relationship are 'normal'. That is to say; someone isn't being abused or hurt.

The good part of this is that it helps friendships last. Once a foundation has been built, maintenance is fairly easy. Which is good because we can't spend all our energy on building friendships or relationships.

Of course, one has to remember to show some love, every so often. I don't think this is an excuse to be stingy.

The flip side is, of course, that we can become camels on the desert, waiting for the next oasis of love, no matter how small that oasis is, or how little love we get from the spring. This starvation...has got to be unhealthy, right?

Just because we can survive on dollops doesn't mean we should.

Thursday, April 29

Hm

I had a dream where it was suggested to me by a pixie redhead that I should be thankful to and for the people in my life. So thank you.

But I don't want to post this kind of thing on Facebook. It's getting too...skeezy for me. Not enough privacy valued.

Still, I hope that by putting this out there, it will be felt and/or read by those who need to know.

Monday, April 26

On wastefulness

So I saw the end of Tosh.0 tonight and it had a clip of Tosh getting a new iPad.

And then teeing it up and swinging at it with a golf club.

That iPad could've been sold to charity. It could've been the centerpiece in a skit mocking people's need for crazy shit. It could've been used to mock Apple + fanboys.

Instead it was destroyed in less than five seconds.

In a world where so many of us are getting fucked over, the wanton destruction of 'cool things' for the sake of a joke that has 1) been done before-and often, 2) was not that funny, beyond the idea of swinging a golf club at anything can be amusing and 3) doesn't actually say anything...

Well, it feels like someone is just wasting my time and their talent, just to blow shit up. And I can watch artistic explosions and feel a hell of a lot better about the universe.

Sunday, April 25

Thought Experiment

Pretty good post, brought to my attention by Fuz.

There are nights

I have come to realize that it doesn't matter how old you get there are days, or nights, or long stretches of minutes where despite the success you may have had, there are times when all the small failures add up and haunt you.

Thursday, April 22

New dance class

It's been 100x more difficult than previous classes. I don't know why. I have guesses; new teacher, different style of learning, poor song selection.

But it's frustrating. It's like I'm choking, except it's not because I don't know what I'm doing-it's because the new stuff is rebelling against what I learned.

I'm fighting gloom these days. Just hit me all of a sudden. I think it's 1.5 gloom - .5 me, so far. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Have finshed videogames. Will talk about them soon.

Wednesday, April 14

Choking vs Panicking

A really interesting article I wanted to share that I found via Lifehacker.

Thursday, April 1

Things I'm learning

Denny's takes orders over the phone.

How to make a budget.

How to install printer drivers. How to extend patience with people who are not technologically savvy.

How to muck around servers. Not quite as fond of that one.

Time management. Sorta.

That I can be made invisible by someone. A new kind of irony from the days when I was small and wished I could be invisible.

That I can resist my completist tendencies...but not very well.I just do it because of the poverty.

When I finish a story, nobody is under any obligation to say anything.

Thursday, February 11

Why are you there?

I can suddenly see you in the friends online. You've excised me out of every. other. part. of your life.

But there you are. The great taunt of my heart.

I get it. The system has changed. You don't know you're supposed to exile me. You are exposed and I now just have to accept it.

Yay.

Wednesday, February 10

I imagine this doesn't happen often

but I have gotten something I needed and yet feel worse than I ever did.

I'm still trying to work out why but a big chunk of it is: from a monetary perspective, it's a step backwards. From an employment perspective, it isn't fulfilling. I have no sense of how this job is going to help me a) make more money b) be a more diverse/useful employee or c) be a better person. It's just a job, and all of the other problems are still unsolved.

I'm still poor. I'm still directionless. I still have all the trappings of being stuck. I didn't want this job and I don't feel like I earned it at all. I just acquired it, like getting the monkey's paw.

It's not a good sign when you get a boon and wish you were dead. It just ain't. Now what it's a bad sign OF is an entirely different matter. All this crap in my head that isn't resolved, that's the problem.

Ah. I get it. This job isn't a solution to anything that troubles me.

Thursday, January 28

On the other hand

My former dentist's office called me yesterday, asking if I wanted to schedule an appointment since it had been so long. I explained that I was unemployed and thus could not afford an appointment. The caller identified quickly that this was because I no longer had insurance, which is true.

She then told me about a one-time thing they were doing; offering free exams and 50% off X-ray+cleaning services.

Which is damn kind of them. I still can't afford it, mind, but it's a really nice thing to do.

Tuesday, January 26

Things stacking up

I was taking my shirt off before getting into the shower and my glasses fell off.

Seems like a pretty mundane problem, right?

Except I can't see without my glasses. My vision is truly awful. I would probably be declared legally blind.

So now I'm afraid, because I need my glasses and I can't afford to fix them if they break. I already can't wear my contacts because I can't pay to a) get my eyes checked or b) get more contacts to replace my diminishing supply.

Which is frightening. If I break my glasses and have to do some kind of home repair on them, how does that look when I go in for a job interview? Now I've got the chicken/egg dilemma; I need a job to fix my glasses, I can't get a job because my glasses are broken and I look unprofessional.

All of this is thought of in half a second and it's allowed to grow and fester in my brain because I can't find my glasses now. I really don't know what to do, because holy crap, I can't see!

So very very slowly I move, gently maneuvering my feet to a position where I can crouch down and feel the carpet with my hands.

I found the glasses without too much difficulty there, but what if, man?

Monday, December 14

2009 Song List


Reposted from Facebook, but also given the director's cut and enhancements.

1) When You Were Shouting At The Devil... We Were In League With Satan-Zimmers Hole
I said this was going to be one of my favorites, and it is. It's also one of those classic 'opening album' songs. Think 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' but for metal. It's one of those rare songs where; if you like metal, you like this, but even if you don't like metal, this song is fun.
2) Hold the Heathen Hammer High-Týr
One day I decided to look up viking and pirate metal. Tyr was the band I found that did Viking metal. Now I think these 'genres' have descended from Manowar but Tyr takes the style seriously (I think) but don't give me the exclusionary vibe that Manowar does. That is to say; you don't love metal, you can still love Tyr.
3) Erasure-Century
I discovered Century this year and they made a fantastic record with Black Ocean. This isn't the song that grabbed me initially, but it's got a great riff in there. What's weird is the riff takes place in the soprano range, it's not heavy, it's more a tweet that offsets the rest.
4) Ghost Key - Isis
It's hard to pull one song off an Isis album because they do records more than songs but Ghost Key is as good as any song on there, and I wanted to pick one.
5) Cinema- Poison The Well
PTW is the hardcore version of the Deftones in that they do and should appeal to a broader audience but for some reason those crossover songs just haven't been highlighted. They made a comeback record with The Tropic Rot and I hope it pays off for them.
6) Lions- Doomriders
"You've got the heart of a lion!"-this was a phrase I needed to hear more this year.
7) Smith & 9th-Reggie and the Full Effect
"It's a major complication"-yeah. I actually got into RatFE because of a song I heard on Burnout 3 (videogame) and this album is apparently the 'metal' one. I'll have to check out some previous stuff because they seem to have a really broad range and I like what they do as a band. Sometimes really loud, sometimes really likable, they are one of those bands that may never do anything groundbreaking but I feel I'll like what they do.
8) Long Dark Twenties (Kids In The Hall)- Nadja
This is a cover song. I rarely include cover songs but Nadja made a really great record of cover songs. One of the few cover albums that actually pays homage to the originals instead of just mimicking them and there's a fantastic breadth to the song selections. Not unlike hearing Tori Amos cover Raining Blood, no do Nadja take songs that you wouldn't expect and twist them.
9) One More Day- Mushroomhead
"One more day to regret"-Felt like that a little too often this year. I'm not a huge Mushroomhead fan but I feel like they were unfairly maligned. That is to say; they're better than I thought.
10) Set Guitars to Kill-And So I Watch You From Afar
ASIWYFA is like Pelican, only instead of being a heavy metal band is a rock band. Really good instrumental stuff and they construct songs in such a way that they bring the good stuff in at the beginning but the awesome stuff at the end so even when the songs are nine minutes long, they're still worth listening to.
11) Flying Whales- Gojira
Sometimes, it's all about the riff. This one starts off slow but almost three minutes into the song this Melvins-level riff kicks up and the whole song just blooms.
12) Milk Lizard- The Dillinger Escape Plan
It's strange to think of a catchy DEP song but there it is.
13) Dimestore Diamond-The Gossip
The opening song to a great album by the Gossip.
14) Raindrops -Basement Jaxx
Basement Jaxx is a band most people wouldn't think I'd dig on but they're just awesome. The do at least one song per album that I can dance to and this song is the one I can dance to.
15) Sirens-Dizzee Rascal
My friend Ally introduced me to this song, posting the video. It's a great piece of work; catchy, solid lyrics, good all 'round.
16) What's A Girl To Do? -Bat For Lashes
This one was sent by my friend Wendy. I got into it because I saw the video first which is absolutely worth searching out.
17) Farewell- Jesu
I don't think I've made a list that hasn't included Jesu since I was introduced to them four years ago. There's something about Jesu's drone metal that really resonates with me.
18) I Hate It When That Happens To Me- John Prine
Dad sent me this song and it's a simple work by a practiced, excellent songwriter. Sad but with an enduring quality-it isn't broken, it's tough. However, it's a song that acknowledges unhappiness and sorrow and keeps going.
19) Let's Not Pretend (to Be New Men)- Crooked Fingers
The new Crooked Fingers, Forfeit/Fortune, is better and more interesting than one might think. Evokes some classic rock (Queen, Springsteen) but isn't afraid to take chances (having someone else sing a song of yours) and is a grower.
20) Dan's Song- Frank Turner
A great, likable song about spending the last day of summer with your friends. The short description shouldn't dissuade people checking Turner out; The Poetry of the Deed is a good album.
21) Wenches & Mead- Alestorm
The other song I found when I searched for viking and pirate metal. It's just fun, especially for people who don't dig on heavy metal.
22) Blackout- Amusement Parks On Fire
I've been looking for the second APOF album for over a year and a half. The album is good but I really like the line: "There's too much future to get out of the way".
23) The Funeral Procession- Propagandhi
Propagandhi made a really good punk rock album. I don't have much more to say because they've got quite the legacy but at the same time I want to impress that they're a solid, veteran band worth listening to.
24) The Gnashing- Baroness
I'm not as high on the Blue Album as everyone else seems to be. It's good but just doesn't grab me like the Red Album did. Maybe it needs more plays-but The Gnashing is good stuff.
25) Monolith- Century
THE song that grabbed me from Black Ocean. One of the most monstrous riffs I've ever heard, ever. I listened to this song once and knew it was end of the year material.
26) I Tamper With The Evidence At The Murder Site Of Odin- Dethklok
Not only the 2nd best song title of the year for me, I realized Detehklok is going to be the most influential metal band in my lifetime. They have a TV show that's both funny and fucked up. They have albums. They tour. Nobody else the reach they do in such a short time. They will influence millions.
27) The Awakening - Architect
As things got worse this year, I started listening to louder, nastier and less melodic music. Architect is definitely that and I'm a little surprised by my enjoyment of them but amongst the noise, Architech throw out something meaty to listen to.
28) Wild Ox Moan- Coalesce
It's a hardcore song alright, but with a country music beginning. Some people called Ox Coalesce's comeback album but I'd never heard them before. However, it was an inspired, raging effort that cannot be ignored.
29) Meddler- August Burns Red
A surprise for me. I didn't think they had much to offer, but they made a solid metal record. Or maybe metalcore. I don't know-the lines get blurred for me, but it's a good album.
30) Dark Horse- Converge Axe To Fall
There are almost always at least two great songs per Converge record; the first and the last ones. This is the first.
31) The Riverbed- Gallows
The Gallows are mired in political punk, I think. They want to rail against the injustices they see in British society and yet this album shows a great maturity over the first one on all levels of songwriting. It's nice to see a band progress like this, from something promising but not good to good, if not excellent and maybe even brilliant someday.
32) Deflated- Jesu
The best song from the other Jesu EP. They're Jesu and I'll admit; I'm weak to them.
33) Almost Lost- Kylesa
A dirty, rockin' song. The iTunes insists that they are 'doom metal' but that's bullshit. They're just straight up, in your face, dirty rock coming from the garages and filtered through 30 years of punk, rock and metal.
34) Vanity- Strung Out
The other really good punk rock record made this year. Again, I don't want to downplay what they did, but while I liked the record I didn't get enough chances to really listen to it.
35) Lost In A Loop- Ghost Brigade
Ghost Brigade had one of those albums that didn't catch me right off but every time it came on, I paid attention.
36) Wounded Paw- Warship
I saw Warship open for a band and they impressed. They kind of walk the metal/punk line.
36) Final Breath- Pelican
A great closing song, Pelican's album was also a comeback album of sorts. They got a little too likable on City of Echos, so What We All Come To Need was a nice balance of being heavy and metal but ambient enough that the songs weren't annoying. At the same time, there was enough going on that I felt the band was engaged in the music.

Thursday, December 10

It's time for a walk...

because the Fail, it overwhelms.

Tuesday, November 17

The Joys of Children

I 'got' to tell my nephew that I wouldn't get to see him at Thanksgiving. He was hoping to see me and play videogames.

He took it pretty well for a 3yo, and didn't ask a lot of questions about it. Which was nice, because explaining money to a child of that age without puppets and a musical number is beyond me.

Sunday, November 15

It has been one of those long unhappy weeks.

So we start again.

Saturday, October 17

Comedy rule

I saw the Hangover last night and I've come up with the Inappropriate Chicken rule of comedy.

If there is a chicken in the scene that shouldn't be in the scene, I am going to find that funny.