Thursday, May 14

Get a haircut and get a real job

I got my haircut yesterday. Probably the best $5 haircut I've gotten since the early 80's, but I think I would've ponied up 5 more to not have to listen to shitty, shitty pop music for forty minutes. There was one song with a really catchy riff, wasted in a song that was otherwise drivel. The Foo Fighters could've done something awesome with that riff. But this band wasn't even close.

Although the haircut looks ok, I spent today mostly depressed. Yeah, I made beer and I wrote some and it didn't all suck, but what I realized walking back from the comic store was this; I am admitting that I cannot get a job. I'm cleaning myself up, which will include shaving off the soul patch I've kept on my chin for at least six months, so I can go into a temp agency and ask for work.

I don't have a dream to follow, I don't have a path to look to. Going to the temp agency isn't so bad; hopefully they'll be able to place me. It's that I don't really know anything that makes me valuable, and I don't really love anything that people would want to pay me for. And that's...no fun.

Tuesday, May 12

More things not to do:

Lock yourself out of the house.

The cats will not let you back inside.

Monday, May 4

Step 1

Well, I finished the first, handwritten draft of a book I've been writing for 3 years. It's not the most triumphant thing ever, but it is an accomplishment in the process of making a complete thing. So I'll take it.

Thursday, April 23

Huh

Got yelled at by an anarchist tonight for not knowing what anarchy is, apparently.

When I asked her what she wanted, and she included, 'democracy' and I said, you can't have democracy and anarchy at the same time, she yelled a me, about how I ought to read x,y,z.

But she didn't actually tell me what the difference was, when I asked. Or how I wasn't a liberterian because I thought regulated capitalism was a good thing.

I may be getting the details fuzzy; I was being yelled at. But it was nice to be yelled at by a left-winger, because it's an excellent warning against extremism of all kinds.

Wednesday, April 22

It's one of those days: Resist Despair.

It's not that things are bad, but they do not appear to be hopeful in any interesting manner.

I kind of want to use the internet like Twitter today; just leave my short comments and leave. I don't abhor Twitter per se, but there's so much noise out there in the Universe anyway, and nobody cares about what I have to say in comparison. Especially since I am not eating tasty sandwiches or pooping.

Even writing that 'joke' feels forced and kinda meh. Real writers wouldn't let that go.

In truth, the inclination to hide out is very strong. I guess I'm doing that already by staying at home, but I guess there's my conflict. The days when I want to go away and be forgotten, and the days when I don't. Which isn't much to aspire to, it seems.

Maybe I just need lunch. Everything seems better after lunch or a nap. I have a place to write and things ain't so bad.

Tuesday, April 14

On drama

I've been encountering the usual internet drama and it was in the shower today that I had a realization; some people are addicted to it. They need to create (or bear witness to) a whole lot of anxious misery in order to feed some weird hunger in themselves.

I have the internet trolls to thank for this, but I don't mean that in a congratulatory sort of way. I get that everyone is the asshole sometimes, but it is the consistent engagement of lousy behavior that defines an addiction and rewarding that behavior with attention of any sort just feeds into that bullshit.

The problem is that sometimes you just need people to shut the hell up.

So once again I'm back to the necessity of moderators in any given culture. Yeah, yeah it brings up the whole 'who watches the watchmen' thing, but I have yet to see any non-familial group work without a set of rules and someone to enforce them. For the most part, the community keeps each other in line, and my feelings about moderation in internet arenas is that it should be kept to a light hand.

Because the drama is going to show up no matter what you do or say. There's something about people that causes them to conflict.

Bah. I'm rambling now. I guess part of what I'm trying to learn is when to stand up to the addicts and when to let it go. But even with that knowledge, it doesn't mean very much unless standing up to them can be enforceable. How that works, I don't know.

Tuesday, March 31

The Failure Option

I'm doing a podcast now, for people interested in hearing my voice. Linky above.

I'm having trouble finding jobs that I think I can work in. I seem to know so little.

On the other hand, all the time at home is giving me space to read, write, and listen to music I haven't in a long time. You may not be aware of this, but the Smashing Pumpkins' Mellon Collie and the blahblahblah is a shitty record. It could've been a good one, but out of the 28 songs there, 4 are really good, and another 5 are OK. Maybe 2 more songs after that, and you're done.

Metallica's 'classic' ...And Justice for All? Bloated and tired.

But there's beer. So it's not all bad.

Sunday, March 29

I went to the rock tonight

And it was good. At this point, it kinda goes: Andrew WK, It's Time To Party = Metallica, Creeping Death = Pelican, Angel Tears. And then there's everything else.

I don't care what you've seen live, I'll put those three experiences against anything.

(but, I've had booze and so this is not the be all end all.)

Monday, March 23

Twitter summation

My sister asked me what I thought of Twitter while I was in Spokane, and the link pretty much sums it up.

It does have some uses; A.Ho has told me of how they use it at his job to let people know about shifts they can pick up, and Bailey's Taproom uses it to let people know what's on tap, but these are really narrow applications. Just like the service itself, I think.

Saturday, March 21

Visiting

When I went back to Spokane last week, I brought with me a whole slew of old cassette tapes which had songs on them I hadn't listened to in twenty years. I learned a few things along the way. The Pet Shop Boys' 'It's A Sin' is a gay anthem. 'Living in a box' is an incredibly offensive song, when I step back from it for even a moment. (Although to be fair, I was far less aware of the plight of the homeless at 16) 'Pop Goes the World' is a bad song.

I spent a lot of time feeling like I had no idea what Spokane was like, almost as though I was lost in a city I grew up in. It was very strange; the winter filth and the starkness of the city had it adopting an alien landscape that felt like I was a stranger now. Maybe it was because so many things evoked the past-old friends, old hangouts, old music, that I had been thrown back, and the city stayed in the present.

Of course, it could be that I'm just out of my head currently. I got sick while I was there, and I'm still recovering from that. NyQuill does a number on your head, and even this morning I'm feeling a little spacey. Perhaps it is best not to be too hard on Spokane, as it's coming off a difficult winter, and the city is in a state of disrepair.

Or, it could be that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm feeling reflective. That's possible too.


Saturday, January 31

Gotta say that 2009 has been one where I've had to accept my successes based on the level of personal growth I'm having to endure. It has not been fun, though I've been becoming more aware. I don't envy anyone the path I'm on though.

I'd also like the insomnia that's been shooting me in the mind between 2 and 4 a.m. every night for the past month to go away. For a long time.

Tuesday, January 27

There are days

When I swear to god I think I could fix the internet by having the 'reply all' email button give you a shock and nosebleed.

Thursday, January 22

2008 mix tape part 2


The first song I heard when I touched down in NYC last year was You're A Wolf by Sea Wolf. It's one of my favorite songs from the album, and hearing it at random made sure I wouldn't forget to include this at the end of the year.

Once again, I found myself listening to Jesu more than any other band this year. Supple Hope is another one of Jesu's textured songs with a title that misleads; the lyrics themselves are depressing as hell.

I don't know that I can explain my love of Armor for Sleep, but I've two albums and the songs that I like on them, I really like, while the others are less memorable alt-rock. But as I said; when they do a good song, I really like it, and it's hard for me to beat a song that opens with "I've got soul working for me half the time". So Run Right Back In goes on.

Bats Over The Pacific Ocean is one of those nonsense titles that bands like Jaguar Love give to their songs. Given that the band is made up of former Blood Brothers members, this kind of silliness makes a lot more sense. Jaguar Love has songs that are a lot more danceable though, so hopefully that will open up some people to their stuff.

A very late addition to my music collection in '08 was Fucked Up, and their song Black Albino Bones caught me right away. Punk rock growls with a light chorus, and I was hooked.

Dead and Divine was a band I swayed on for much of the year. Do I keep this album, or do I just burn a couple tracks and let it go. But whenever I would listen to the album for purposes of burning, I liked a lot more songs than I thought I would. When I played it as background music, it didn't stick, except for Get Down With Your Bad Self, which has the line: I have a way with failure.
I wish that didn't speak to me, but it does.

Next up is Baroness's Isak. This is another album that was probably on last year's tape, but eh. Whatcha gonna do? It's dirty stoner rock, and I like that.

Nineteenhundred by Burst was another late addition to my ears. Burst's record, Lazarus Bird is a strong one, and it's too bad it's been consigned to the 'metal' bin. Don't get me wrong, it is metal, but the band wants to stretch what metal can do-and in this song, they use saxophones to do it. Really neat stuff.

My Apocalypse by Metallica. Yeah, I'm surprised too, but there you go; it took them twenty years to do another album on par with Master of Puppets, but they did it. Is it as good as their landmark albums (namely Ride the Lightning or Master of Puppets)? No. But it's pretty damn solid, and the guys are playing again like they have something to prove.

Finally, All Hope Is Gone by Slipknot. The title is beguiling again, reflecting a despair that the song doesn't exactly have, but since I've been feeling a little bit of both, I put that song on. Plus, it's just blistering.

I finished with Unearth's instrumental; Big Bear & the hour of Chaos. I wanted that song to be the bridge between My Apocalypse and All Hope Is Gone, but it didn't work out that way; there wasn't enough room on the tape. Still, I got it on; that's what matters.

Tuesday, January 20

2008 mix tape part 1

I kicked this year's tape off with Tales of Girls, Boys, and Marsupials by the Wombats. It was a song that made me smile in a year when smiling was hard for me to come by.

Against Me! was a band I was happy to discover this year. I'd heard of them for years, but never gotten around to listening to them until I found a copy of New Wave used. It was a great album, and the nice thing about getting into a band late is that you get to explore their back catalog, and usually get more good music out of the deal. One of my favorite songs from New Wave was Thrash Unreal, and so it comes up next.

It's probable that Kevin Drew's Spirit If came out in 07, but I still listened to it in 08, so Safety Bricks gets the nod.
This is true of a few bands; I didn't find a lot of new stuff I was enamored with, so I went back to the things I had playing them to death.

Of course as I say that, the next song is TV On The Radio's Golden Age, and their was on many people's top 10 list for '08. TVOTR doesn't seem to grab me quite the same way ever since I saw them live, but they still put out good albums.

In the same way that I got into Against Me! this year, I also finally heard Minus the Bear. Same situation; lots of people telling me how great they were, but I waited until I could find a CD used. Hooray! is hands down my favorite song from that album, not just for it's thrilling guitar line during the chorus, but the fond tale of snowball fights too.

Fumes is by Aesop Rock. I don't know much about rap, but Aesop and Dalek (who makes the list in a song) both made albums that didn't sound like any rap I'd heard before. Aesop seems more traditional, but his wordplay is very clever too.

Wiper is by Amusement Parks On Fire, and again they probably were on last year's list too. Every time I was in a used record store this year, I spent time looking for their 2nd album to no avail. This is why I'm considering downloading music off the internet; just so I can find things I want.

From this song Dalek's Ever Somber felt like the right thing. He seems to use industrial-stylings as his backbeats. A rapper descended from Ministry-like swirls of noise. This song was chosen in part because of the title, which seems to fit my current mood more than I'd like.

The Gutter Twins didn't make quite the splash I thought they would, but their album was admittedly a little uneven. Still, I am sad I didn't get my ducks in a row to see them live. The Body hooked me in with it's soft chorus, and I never got away from it.

I got Band of Horses' last record late in 07, so Is There A Ghost? makes it on. I would've listened to it more, but my girlfriend absconded with it for most of the year.

Finally, Mogwai's Auto-Rock. I first heard this at the end of the Miami Vice movie, and I loved it, but didn't have it together to find out who did the music. Then I forgot about it, as people sometimes do.

About the middle of '08, I heard it again while in Everyday Music. I had one of those tingly moments, hearing this song--Oh yes, this! I need this. So I went up to find out who was playing, and walked out with a scuffed CD of Mogwai's Mr Beast. The album isn't great, but that song is magical for me.

This side closes out with music from Girl Talk's Feed the Animals. I can't quite distinguish the songs on this album, but that's OK. The mashup fun is too good to ignore.

Monday, January 5

Work musings 1.6, 1.7, 1.9

Right now I have to work under conditions where people can walk into my workspace, and just 'hang out' doing things. This makes me not want to work. I want people to go away. Having someone you don't like much around disrupts the workflow. And he's in space I need to use anyway. It's like a megalose.

It's weird, realizing I have to quit. It's crazy, since this is the worst time to not already have a job since something like 1952. Still, I also feel kind of good. I mean, when I'm not batshit frightened.

They just cut my hours by 7.5/wk. That's almost enough to convince me to stick around.

Wednesday, December 3

That was just your life

I'm realizing that I'm a very bad advocate for myself.

It is...not a pleasant realization.

Wednesday, November 12

Here's a thought

The next time someone makes a mistake, you might want to ask; did they make a mistake because they fucked up, or did they make a mistake because the instructions provided were unclear?

Thursday, October 23

Ah, crap.

I forgot to call my Dad on his birthday yesterday.

Monday, October 13

An open letter to Sen. Obama

Dear Senator,

You lost my vote when you voted for the FISA bill. You said it was a bad bill. Senator Feinstein, who sits on the committee that oversees the wiretapping program and knows more than you about the consequences of this bill, said it was a bad bill. You voted for it anyway.

Which brings you into a direct clash with my values; when things are wrong, you don't let go of your principles even if you're going to lose. I know; You are in the game to win it. I know; your political opponents would hammered you on it. But they hammered you with Rev. Wright too, and you took a stand and treated us like adults and people stopped short and listened. On this bill, however, you voted for it, and then said it was a good compromise.

It wasn't. That was all I really needed to not vote for you. Your political career has been brief, your rhetoric not always backed up by consistent actions. This crucial moment came, and you let it pass.

People told me I shouldn't care, people told me that too much was at stake, that McCain was just going to further us into disaster. I felt I had principles here and I had to stick by them; retroactive pardoning of actions that violated the Fourth Amendment was not something I could stand for.

You still haven't convinced me to change my mind. You say you stand for change, but you don't articulate a strong vision. Healthcare, alternative energy, infrastructure both electronic and physical; these are big ideas we could be leaders in and are critical to our country's ability to be a good one, but you don't put it into a singular purpose as far as I'm concerned.

The smaller issues; homeland security, economic regulation, education, these things are bog points, and yes, you speak with great conviction on them but they don't convince me anymore. Solving these problems won't save us, because they are connected to larger ideas. Your job is to give this country a vision and then help us carry it out.

Worse, I am terrified that there will be no way to enforce the will of the people when you are elected. The ability to ignore the people in willful defiance of the disasters that he caused, has been one of the greatest tragedies of our current President. How can I be sure you will do what you say you will do?

I couldn't, so I couldn't vote for you.

You are fortunate, sir, that I am a reader. That I want to make sure I am doing the best I can, and in order to do that I try to absorb all the information possible that is available to me.

Esquire magazine published their endorsement issue recently. Perhaps you've seen it. You're no doubt aware of it, especially since they endorse you. They do a better job of describing things than I, both your strengths and weaknesses, why they think you're the man for this job. They evaluate McCain too, quietly but smartly evaluating why they think you should be President of the United States.

None of that convinced me. This did: Justice John Paul Stevens is eighty-nine years old, the editors of Esquire reminded me...

In January of 2009, if and when Barack Obama is inaugurated as the forty-fourth president of the United States, Associate Justice John Paul Stevens will be closing in on his thirty-fourth year on the Court and his eighty-ninth year on earth. And there, really, you have it. The best argument for the election of Barack Obama as president of the United States is written quite clearly in the peaks and squiggles of John Paul Stevens's EKG.


Just as, no matter how impressive John McCain could ever be, Sarah Palin should never, ever be allowed to be President, so must Justice Stevens be replaced by someone who truly believes in the Law of the Land.

So, Senator Obama, I will be voting for you in this election.

I do not like it. You have not earned my trust, you have not met any of my expectations. I am going to have to leave some of my principles behind in order to vote for you. In a very real way, I am doing what you did when you voted to pass the FISA bill, and I do not like that at all.

I am putting my country ahead of myself, however. That is not the greatest consolation for me. My country is made up of all those little choices that men and women like me make, most of us truly trying to make the place both good enough for themselves and a little better for the next group in whatever ways we can, and it lives and dies on our adherence to the qualities of honor that we maintain.

And my country has seen a great deal of dishonor in the past ten years. Dishonor that has come from the top and trickled down effecting everyone, so unlike the economic prosperity of a select few that liars would have us believe will buoy us all, leaving so many of us angry, frightened, and dispirited. I am very, very, very tired of it.

So I am going to put Americans ahead of my principles, the principles I believe that if people like me do not adhere to most days, will lead us to ruin, because the broad enforcement of the rule of law (not just through Justice Stevens, but through the other Federal judges I hope you will appoint) has to come before my strict adhesion to my belief that you do what is right, even if you are going to lose.

I am having to put my faith in you, that you will do what is right. That you will not utterly succumb to power and forget all that we have been through as a nation, but also remember that we are a nation of laws, and it is only through laws that are fair, honest, applying to all, that are in a word, just, that we will be able to address some of the wrongs that we have done. We have to right those wrongs Senator; those wrongs done to the world, those wrongs done to ourselves. It is our responsibility, because we had such a heavy hand in creating that mess.

I don't want to vote on my fears, fears of economic meltdown, fears of government intrusion both private and public into the lives of the American people, fears of tyranny in my own country. So I have to choose to vote on something else.

I am having to vote on faith, and I am asking you to justify that faith, as much as any human can.

Good luck Senator, and may we both find success in our efforts to make this a better world.

Monday, September 29

Shards review

In part for my friend J, who keeps telling me I should write tihs shit down so he has stuff to read.

I've been reading the Shards of Alara spoilerlist, and I'm pretty meh about this set.

Blue gets mega awesome stuff, because they've dipped into the artifact pool again. This time WotC isn't even trying to hide it; they're making blue artifacts. I realize that they have taken great pains to make the game more balanced, but every time they emphasize artifacts (and by relation, blue) they fuck it up, and the game suffers as a result.

And I only barely get why blue gets to lockdown searching of libraries. It seems like if you want to ensure the 'chaos' factor, red ought to have that. Fuck blue.

The silver lining here is that white gets some very strong stuff, being linked to blue-and thus artifacts-in this set. White has been needing a reasonable boost in power for awhile now, and slowly it looks like it's starting to happen.

Unfortunately, the other main white ability, exalt, is lame. It only works on attacking, so you want to load up one creature with all your eggs-and that strategy NEVER works.

Black also gets some nice cards, but that color doesn't need any help.

Red and Green get a focus on big creatures, but that theme has been plaguing those colors for ages, and is never successful. Or, it is when there is no viable countermagic in the format, however that's not the case here. Anytime you have a hard counter for less than four, and spot removal for the same, big creatures just won't matter. So blue and black once again look like the big players.

Worse, the 'abilities' that R/G get--devour--mean that they want to kill their paths to victory.
That. Is. Stupid.
If you're winning, this ability won't help you seal the deal, and if you're losing, this ability won't help you come back!

However, there's good and bad here, as with nearly every set. My problem is that I'm bored. This block is another multi-color set, and it's the 3rd such block in 5 blocks. There's too much of a good thing happening here, and it's becoming stale.

I'm glad the game is developing to help eliminate mana screw and color screw--two very frustrating ways to lose, especially for new players--but if they make multiple colors the best possible option, then it rapidly becomes the only one.

Issue number two: this set is probably the least focused set I've seen in years. At least it feels that way; cards that beg for 'support' cards that I just know are going to be released in the future--but for now we just have to suck it up and try and make these weaker cards work (shit like Resounding Roar. So many different things going on thematically that getting the set to form any cohesion is impossible, (cycling being smattered through the set, color themes bleeding over this way and that, 5+ power creatures mattering for some, but not all) and honestly, I'm just tired of it.

Sometimes, straightforward is good. I don't expect a block of monochrome, but the repetition of a theme like this has been visited too often, and the well is running dry for me.

Still; I loved Shadowmoor, but was disappointed by Eventide, so it's possible that the future of this block is still shiny.