It doesn't matter why

They don't want to talk to you.

eh, I guess

I mean, they resurrected the consu and yay for everyone. I care but I don't. Just like the old community; I care and I don't anymore.

I care because it's my nature. I don't because I just want to get away from the silly shit that was there. I'm a little adrift and so...so there it is.

A few days and I'm sure I'll be fine. Walking is still good for the soul.

Time for your dose of awesome

With sympathy

So, Paul Gray died of an accidental OD. He was the bassist for the heavy metal band Slipknot, and pretty close to my age.

What's disheartening for me is the comments to the story-as always. Addiction, by most medical accounts, is classified as a disease and the idea that he just should've been a better person is kinda insane.

And is probably why we have a process of imprisonment instead of treatment when it comes to drugs.

The new guy

I recently got Left 4 Dead 2. 8 plus months (or so) after the game was released I was able to afford it and because I loved the original I was looking forward to playing the game. I could even afford the occasional DLC now!

L4D is noteworthy for me because it's the first game I played online and remains so for the time being. Because the mechanics of the game insist that you help each other out, leaving someone behind isn't quite forbidden but nobody wants to do it. Of course, I've had the experience of telling or being told; "No! Go without me I'm done for!" but for the most part when someone gets in trouble, you go back and help, right?

There is a 'but' of course.

I'm the new guy. I don't know the maps, I don't know how the new Infected work, or the new health devices. Yes, I read the instructions but it's a game; you have to play it to understand.

Which is why it has been so discouraging to be the newbie.

I'm about average at gaming and I try to keep a casual attitude about it. But no matter what; I still have to learn how things work. In Dead Center, I didn't know that the goal was to fill the car with gas-I didn't hear the characters tell me what the goal was. The people I was playing with didn't tell me, often ran ahead without me and one person even asked why I kept getting lost and knocked down.

"I'm new and I don't know the maps," I said, trying to sound cheerful but I couldn't escape the feeling that the other players were done with me. A few minutes later, they left, we failed the mission and I started over with bots.

Sigh. I kept at it and eventually people joined up, including another new player, and we got through the mission.

Last night I attempted to get through Dark Carnival. I found a room, waited, and when the party leader asked, "Are we ready to go?" I replied, "You bet!" and he said, "Not you," and kicked me from the game.

I didn't even know the guy and yeah, I shouldn't take it personally but it's hard not to. I'm new, I want to learn how to play and play better, I want to explore a bit and see what cool routes or jokes or things might be hidden in the game. I don't know many people who play online so I'm out there, trying to make new friends, in the casual sense of the word. And people don't want to show the the ropes/have fun with me, so it's hard.

Because I'm late. I'm the new kid at school and nobody wants to tell me where the lunchroom is.

Everybody is new sometimes and if you want people to keep playing the game you love, you have to welcome the newbies. I know not everyone is going to mesh and become best chums or anything as silly as that, but is it really such a pain in the ass to help a new player who isn't being a dick through one mission?

If it is, then play on a private channel so we don't muck up your good time. Everyone will be happier.

It doesn't matter how much you love me

a little is alright...-You Better, You Bet-The Who

On my way home last night it struck me how little love we seem to need. People can get by on tiny amounts, sustaining themselves over months or years, so long as they get some. This is especially true if all other things in a relationship are 'normal'. That is to say; someone isn't being abused or hurt.

The good part of this is that it helps friendships last. Once a foundation has been built, maintenance is fairly easy. Which is good because we can't spend all our energy on building friendships or relationships.

Of course, one has to remember to show some love, every so often. I don't think this is an excuse to be stingy.

The flip side is, of course, that we can become camels on the desert, waiting for the next oasis of love, no matter how small that oasis is, or how little love we get from the spring. This starvation...has got to be unhealthy, right?

Just because we can survive on dollops doesn't mean we should.

Hm

I had a dream where it was suggested to me by a pixie redhead that I should be thankful to and for the people in my life. So thank you.

But I don't want to post this kind of thing on Facebook. It's getting too...skeezy for me. Not enough privacy valued.

Still, I hope that by putting this out there, it will be felt and/or read by those who need to know.

On wastefulness

So I saw the end of Tosh.0 tonight and it had a clip of Tosh getting a new iPad.

And then teeing it up and swinging at it with a golf club.

That iPad could've been sold to charity. It could've been the centerpiece in a skit mocking people's need for crazy shit. It could've been used to mock Apple + fanboys.

Instead it was destroyed in less than five seconds.

In a world where so many of us are getting fucked over, the wanton destruction of 'cool things' for the sake of a joke that has 1) been done before-and often, 2) was not that funny, beyond the idea of swinging a golf club at anything can be amusing and 3) doesn't actually say anything...

Well, it feels like someone is just wasting my time and their talent, just to blow shit up. And I can watch artistic explosions and feel a hell of a lot better about the universe.

Thought Experiment

Pretty good post, brought to my attention by Fuz.

There are nights

I have come to realize that it doesn't matter how old you get there are days, or nights, or long stretches of minutes where despite the success you may have had, there are times when all the small failures add up and haunt you.

New dance class

It's been 100x more difficult than previous classes. I don't know why. I have guesses; new teacher, different style of learning, poor song selection.

But it's frustrating. It's like I'm choking, except it's not because I don't know what I'm doing-it's because the new stuff is rebelling against what I learned.

I'm fighting gloom these days. Just hit me all of a sudden. I think it's 1.5 gloom - .5 me, so far. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Have finshed videogames. Will talk about them soon.

Choking vs Panicking

A really interesting article I wanted to share that I found via Lifehacker.

Things I'm learning

Denny's takes orders over the phone.

How to make a budget.

How to install printer drivers. How to extend patience with people who are not technologically savvy.

How to muck around servers. Not quite as fond of that one.

Time management. Sorta.

That I can be made invisible by someone. A new kind of irony from the days when I was small and wished I could be invisible.

That I can resist my completist tendencies...but not very well.I just do it because of the poverty.

When I finish a story, nobody is under any obligation to say anything.

Why are you there?

I can suddenly see you in the friends online. You've excised me out of every. other. part. of your life.

But there you are. The great taunt of my heart.

I get it. The system has changed. You don't know you're supposed to exile me. You are exposed and I now just have to accept it.

Yay.

I imagine this doesn't happen often

but I have gotten something I needed and yet feel worse than I ever did.

I'm still trying to work out why but a big chunk of it is: from a monetary perspective, it's a step backwards. From an employment perspective, it isn't fulfilling. I have no sense of how this job is going to help me a) make more money b) be a more diverse/useful employee or c) be a better person. It's just a job, and all of the other problems are still unsolved.

I'm still poor. I'm still directionless. I still have all the trappings of being stuck. I didn't want this job and I don't feel like I earned it at all. I just acquired it, like getting the monkey's paw.

It's not a good sign when you get a boon and wish you were dead. It just ain't. Now what it's a bad sign OF is an entirely different matter. All this crap in my head that isn't resolved, that's the problem.

Ah. I get it. This job isn't a solution to anything that troubles me.

On the other hand

My former dentist's office called me yesterday, asking if I wanted to schedule an appointment since it had been so long. I explained that I was unemployed and thus could not afford an appointment. The caller identified quickly that this was because I no longer had insurance, which is true.

She then told me about a one-time thing they were doing; offering free exams and 50% off X-ray+cleaning services.

Which is damn kind of them. I still can't afford it, mind, but it's a really nice thing to do.

Things stacking up

I was taking my shirt off before getting into the shower and my glasses fell off.

Seems like a pretty mundane problem, right?

Except I can't see without my glasses. My vision is truly awful. I would probably be declared legally blind.

So now I'm afraid, because I need my glasses and I can't afford to fix them if they break. I already can't wear my contacts because I can't pay to a) get my eyes checked or b) get more contacts to replace my diminishing supply.

Which is frightening. If I break my glasses and have to do some kind of home repair on them, how does that look when I go in for a job interview? Now I've got the chicken/egg dilemma; I need a job to fix my glasses, I can't get a job because my glasses are broken and I look unprofessional.

All of this is thought of in half a second and it's allowed to grow and fester in my brain because I can't find my glasses now. I really don't know what to do, because holy crap, I can't see!

So very very slowly I move, gently maneuvering my feet to a position where I can crouch down and feel the carpet with my hands.

I found the glasses without too much difficulty there, but what if, man?

2009 Song List

Reposted from Facebook, but also given the director's cut and enhancements.

1) When You Were Shouting At The Devil... We Were In League With Satan-Zimmers Hole
I said this was going to be one of my favorites, and it is. It's also one of those classic 'opening album' songs. Think 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' but for metal. It's one of those rare songs where; if you like metal, you like this, but even if you don't like metal, this song is fun.
2) Hold the Heathen Hammer High-Týr
One day I decided to look up viking and pirate metal. Tyr was the band I found that did Viking metal. Now I think these 'genres' have descended from Manowar but Tyr takes the style seriously (I think) but don't give me the exclusionary vibe that Manowar does. That is to say; you don't love metal, you can still love Tyr.
3) Erasure-Century
I discovered Century this year and they made a fantastic record with Black Ocean. This isn't the song that grabbed me initially, but it's got a great riff in there. What's weird is the riff takes place in the soprano range, it's not heavy, it's more a tweet that offsets the rest.
4) Ghost Key - Isis
It's hard to pull one song off an Isis album because they do records more than songs but Ghost Key is as good as any song on there, and I wanted to pick one.
5) Cinema- Poison The Well
PTW is the hardcore version of the Deftones in that they do and should appeal to a broader audience but for some reason those crossover songs just haven't been highlighted. They made a comeback record with The Tropic Rot and I hope it pays off for them.
6) Lions- Doomriders
"You've got the heart of a lion!"-this was a phrase I needed to hear more this year.
7) Smith & 9th-Reggie and the Full Effect
"It's a major complication"-yeah. I actually got into RatFE because of a song I heard on Burnout 3 (videogame) and this album is apparently the 'metal' one. I'll have to check out some previous stuff because they seem to have a really broad range and I like what they do as a band. Sometimes really loud, sometimes really likable, they are one of those bands that may never do anything groundbreaking but I feel I'll like what they do.
8) Long Dark Twenties (Kids In The Hall)- Nadja
This is a cover song. I rarely include cover songs but Nadja made a really great record of cover songs. One of the few cover albums that actually pays homage to the originals instead of just mimicking them and there's a fantastic breadth to the song selections. Not unlike hearing Tori Amos cover Raining Blood, no do Nadja take songs that you wouldn't expect and twist them.
9) One More Day- Mushroomhead
"One more day to regret"-Felt like that a little too often this year. I'm not a huge Mushroomhead fan but I feel like they were unfairly maligned. That is to say; they're better than I thought.
10) Set Guitars to Kill-And So I Watch You From Afar
ASIWYFA is like Pelican, only instead of being a heavy metal band is a rock band. Really good instrumental stuff and they construct songs in such a way that they bring the good stuff in at the beginning but the awesome stuff at the end so even when the songs are nine minutes long, they're still worth listening to.
11) Flying Whales- Gojira
Sometimes, it's all about the riff. This one starts off slow but almost three minutes into the song this Melvins-level riff kicks up and the whole song just blooms.
12) Milk Lizard- The Dillinger Escape Plan
It's strange to think of a catchy DEP song but there it is.
13) Dimestore Diamond-The Gossip
The opening song to a great album by the Gossip.
14) Raindrops -Basement Jaxx
Basement Jaxx is a band most people wouldn't think I'd dig on but they're just awesome. The do at least one song per album that I can dance to and this song is the one I can dance to.
15) Sirens-Dizzee Rascal
My friend Ally introduced me to this song, posting the video. It's a great piece of work; catchy, solid lyrics, good all 'round.
16) What's A Girl To Do? -Bat For Lashes
This one was sent by my friend Wendy. I got into it because I saw the video first which is absolutely worth searching out.
17) Farewell- Jesu
I don't think I've made a list that hasn't included Jesu since I was introduced to them four years ago. There's something about Jesu's drone metal that really resonates with me.
18) I Hate It When That Happens To Me- John Prine
Dad sent me this song and it's a simple work by a practiced, excellent songwriter. Sad but with an enduring quality-it isn't broken, it's tough. However, it's a song that acknowledges unhappiness and sorrow and keeps going.
19) Let's Not Pretend (to Be New Men)- Crooked Fingers
The new Crooked Fingers, Forfeit/Fortune, is better and more interesting than one might think. Evokes some classic rock (Queen, Springsteen) but isn't afraid to take chances (having someone else sing a song of yours) and is a grower.
20) Dan's Song- Frank Turner
A great, likable song about spending the last day of summer with your friends. The short description shouldn't dissuade people checking Turner out; The Poetry of the Deed is a good album.
21) Wenches & Mead- Alestorm
The other song I found when I searched for viking and pirate metal. It's just fun, especially for people who don't dig on heavy metal.
22) Blackout- Amusement Parks On Fire
I've been looking for the second APOF album for over a year and a half. The album is good but I really like the line: "There's too much future to get out of the way".
23) The Funeral Procession- Propagandhi
Propagandhi made a really good punk rock album. I don't have much more to say because they've got quite the legacy but at the same time I want to impress that they're a solid, veteran band worth listening to.
24) The Gnashing- Baroness
I'm not as high on the Blue Album as everyone else seems to be. It's good but just doesn't grab me like the Red Album did. Maybe it needs more plays-but The Gnashing is good stuff.
25) Monolith- Century
THE song that grabbed me from Black Ocean. One of the most monstrous riffs I've ever heard, ever. I listened to this song once and knew it was end of the year material.
26) I Tamper With The Evidence At The Murder Site Of Odin- Dethklok
Not only the 2nd best song title of the year for me, I realized Detehklok is going to be the most influential metal band in my lifetime. They have a TV show that's both funny and fucked up. They have albums. They tour. Nobody else the reach they do in such a short time. They will influence millions.
27) The Awakening - Architect
As things got worse this year, I started listening to louder, nastier and less melodic music. Architect is definitely that and I'm a little surprised by my enjoyment of them but amongst the noise, Architech throw out something meaty to listen to.
28) Wild Ox Moan- Coalesce
It's a hardcore song alright, but with a country music beginning. Some people called Ox Coalesce's comeback album but I'd never heard them before. However, it was an inspired, raging effort that cannot be ignored.
29) Meddler- August Burns Red
A surprise for me. I didn't think they had much to offer, but they made a solid metal record. Or maybe metalcore. I don't know-the lines get blurred for me, but it's a good album.
30) Dark Horse- Converge Axe To Fall
There are almost always at least two great songs per Converge record; the first and the last ones. This is the first.
31) The Riverbed- Gallows
The Gallows are mired in political punk, I think. They want to rail against the injustices they see in British society and yet this album shows a great maturity over the first one on all levels of songwriting. It's nice to see a band progress like this, from something promising but not good to good, if not excellent and maybe even brilliant someday.
32) Deflated- Jesu
The best song from the other Jesu EP. They're Jesu and I'll admit; I'm weak to them.
33) Almost Lost- Kylesa
A dirty, rockin' song. The iTunes insists that they are 'doom metal' but that's bullshit. They're just straight up, in your face, dirty rock coming from the garages and filtered through 30 years of punk, rock and metal.
34) Vanity- Strung Out
The other really good punk rock record made this year. Again, I don't want to downplay what they did, but while I liked the record I didn't get enough chances to really listen to it.
35) Lost In A Loop- Ghost Brigade
Ghost Brigade had one of those albums that didn't catch me right off but every time it came on, I paid attention.
36) Wounded Paw- Warship
I saw Warship open for a band and they impressed. They kind of walk the metal/punk line.
36) Final Breath- Pelican
A great closing song, Pelican's album was also a comeback album of sorts. They got a little too likable on City of Echos, so What We All Come To Need was a nice balance of being heavy and metal but ambient enough that the songs weren't annoying. At the same time, there was enough going on that I felt the band was engaged in the music.

It's time for a walk...

because the Fail, it overwhelms.

The Joys of Children

I 'got' to tell my nephew that I wouldn't get to see him at Thanksgiving. He was hoping to see me and play videogames.

He took it pretty well for a 3yo, and didn't ask a lot of questions about it. Which was nice, because explaining money to a child of that age without puppets and a musical number is beyond me.