See, I do and accept all kinds of shit about my friends. Things I wouldn't be cool with a stranger doing. I also try to encourage my friends to follow the brighter path-and they do the same for me, I hope. (But don't tell them I'm Satan.)
And while I agree with Fuz and the MT that people should stand up for themselves, and live responsible lives, AND that they are responsible for the shit they do when the fuck up or lie-
I also know that there, sometimes, but for the grace of the Universe, go I. And as absurd as it may seem, people don't make decisions like hiding their homosexualty, or their bizzare love for Andrew WK, with the idea that they are going to hurt anyone. They do it because they think they are doing the right thing-the best possible thing.
And it should also be noted, that people do things and make demands, that us, looking in on their lives, do not understand. Can't. I have a friend whose ex-wife did shit that should not stand anywhere under any circumstances. Yet he stayed with her. And I supported him, because he's my friend. And when he got out, I supported him in that, too.
I love Fuz, I do. But I also know that he made a decision not to go to Texas in part b/c his SO said: If you go, you go without me. And this had not just a little to do with the attitudes us northerners have about the conditions in the south. (Some justified, some not, like anything else.)
I don't bring up that story to make Fuz look bad, I bring it up because, like it or not, we are passing judgement on someone whose life we do not have, with pressures we do not understand, and with biases that have nothing to do with that person's life, but with ourselves.
I'm not saying that we are doing something wrong, mind you. I'm saying that we should acknowledge what we are doing, and allow for the possibility that we are wrong, or at least, being harsh.
That DOESN'T mean I think that people should get a free pass for the dumb fucking decisions they make. As the Texan pointed out-taking responsibility for your actions is part of what makes you an adult. And I even said to Fuz in an email that
I don't think you should give him any slack. He chose a lie. On top of that-he chose cocaine. One I could understand, and feel bad for, but not a lot. The other, I just think: fucking moron.
Because at some point, he said: this is more important than that to me.
But perhaps I was quick in my judgement.
7 comments:
You're a good human.
As a quick aside, I have never ever EVER known you to hide your ridiculous love and man-crush on one Andrew WK. You live openly and freely, and with all of the rights accorded to you, unencumbered by a fear of your love of the WK. I'm pretty sure that didn't make sense, but seriously. You love you some Andrew WK. And I don't mind saying, it does not change the way I feel about you. I will still meet you in seedy bars and travel to far off lands to see the unspeakable and do the unmentionable, even if your love for DubyaK grows!
And I won't try to get you help because I think you need it. If you decide that it is no longer right for your own life, I will be there. And if you never do, well, I'll be there, then, too.
All seriousness aside, I agree wholeheartedly about the big-ass pass on giving free passes to people who shirk responsibility for their own actions. But what I was getting at, but didn't properly articulate, is that I also don't excuse people for making stupid decisions because they'd been through some shit.
E.g. "Oh, my life is so terrible because I'm a repressed gay so I'm going to do some objectively dumb shit because I've had it rough."
Make stupid decisions! Fine by me, Pup. Just don't try to say that you're, essentially, freed from the obligation of thinking things through and considering all of the options just because sometimes life is like a bowl full of cherries, where "cherries" are understood to mean "shit".
Like, I don't try to get free drinks because I married a douche, you know? And I don't think I have the right (logically speaking) to bitch when I don't get them. And I don't think I'm even entitled to free drinks, either. At least not for that reason. For other reasons, two very valid, very real reasons, I do deserve free drinks. Hey, I don't put them on display for nothing, you know.
That was about the most terrible simile I could have probably come up with. I just wanted to remind you - free drinks, right here.
Um...just for the record.
Telling the northerners to fuck off is not only akin to what they do to you, but merely reinforces what their biases may be. I understand your desire to knock down the prejudices of those who do not know better, but I wonder if your method is the best one.
Or you may've been being over the top to make a point, in which case this is all moot.
Having been down south for a brief time, I can say that it's just different there. There are things that seemed worse, and things that seemed better. Things that just don't happen up here. (Neither good nor bad, just the way it is.)
But it was so fucking hot and muggy by 10am I wanted to stay on the porch and drink whiskey, and that just can't play. I need to be sober, just about every day, until at least 5pm.
First, a little context for my intervention: it was my birthday, the end of the teaching day was just miserable, and I felt like…well, like crap. And that is some of the frustration behind what I wrote, the story being the proverbial straw on the beast with two hump's back.
Having said that, let me further clarify: if this person were my friend, I would fully support him, but I'd acknowledge that some of his choices weren't ones that I would make, or ones that I could see as bringing happiness on a long term basis. (In the language the kiddies are using, I'd call him on his shit.)
As he is a representative of a socio-cultural group whose silence helps contribute to my oppression, however, I do feel able to say "Fuck 'em." The class of people to which he belongs was more the focus of my screed; your friend, Messy, was merely the occasion of my anger.
That is to say, I am not a cold heartless fuck whose M.O. is to sit in judgment of all, nor would I set myself up as a paragon of strength and clear-thinking at all times. I make my mistakes, I have my own cowardice–a much larger component of my personality than I would care to admit–and I'm not perfect. So, I do understand the desire to support your friend, Messy, believe me, I and would probably share it if I knew him.
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As for my choosing not to go to Texas–well, let me just say that I was offered a position in Laredo, my partner speaks no Spanish, and the university does not offer domestic partnership benefits. Given all that, I chose a position in the Midwest that would pay me $12,000 less a year, not because it was the best thing for me to do profesionally, but because I thought I would come out of the experience…well, I was going to say "A better person," but perhaps stating that my goal is to emerge from this experience of temporary employement is more realistic. My point being that I made the decision based on what I thought would provide me a measure of happiness, and not on what I should have done professionally.
Had I been alone, I probably would have taken the job in Texas. But there was much I didn't like about Laredo. As a kind of shorthand, it reminded me of the Tri-Cities, WA: a run-down central area with suburbs strewn about it without rhyme or reason. This doesn't mean I wouldn't have accepted the offer, but I would have been hard-pressed to see myself happy there over the long haul.
I was totally, totally, totally kidding with the whole telling the northerner's to fuck off, lol.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I think my flavor of facetiousness is too deadpan for the internets.
So, yes. Totally kidding.
Sweet Jesus on a cross...Laredo?!? No fucking wonder.
If you ever want to test someone's sanity, ask them if they'd rather live in Laredo or Sibera. You can't pick a right answer. The only answer is gobbling rat poision.
Yeah…we weren't talking Austin or anything.
Had we been talking Austin (UT Austin, just so's we're clear), though, I think I would have turned down the offer. I interviewed with them and HATED the interview. Specifically, I wanted to tell one of the interviewers to take a loooooong walk off a short pier, post-haste. I thought, "I can't stand being in a room with them for a half hour-and I want a job there? Un-huh."
Fortunately, however, I didn't even make the campus interview cut. I was relieved, quite frankly.
Oh, and I got that you were joking.
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