The Departed and more

So I went and saw The Departed on Saturday (good timing, eh?), and let me just say it: It shouldn't've won best picture.

It was very, very good-I was ready to say it's the best damn gangster movie since Miller's Crossing. And then, without revealing too much, they cut the emotional legs out from under the audience. I think it was done to give it that Scorsese feel, but it really was unnecessary, because of the way things were going anyway. I was left dissatisfied, because the movie fucked with what I wanted from it as a story.

Don't get me wrong: Scorsese is one of the best, and most important directors in cinema. What he's forgotten about movies is more than any 4 people know about them. But The Aviator was a much better movie, and Goodfellas is a classic.

My desire, however, to see Infernal Affairs remains unabated.

I've also started watching The Wire and while some people have said it's the best show on TV (yeesh-the hype, the HYPE) I'm not seeing it yet. I've only watched 3 episodes, though, and it is pretty good.

Sat night dream

The dream was a recast of The Breakfast Club--you can imagine which character I was playing--and what I remember is Ally Sheedy's character smiling at me, but that I wasn't going to get to interview her. She wants to be interviewed, but we're both too shy around all the other people.

Anyway, the whole thing was taking place in a white single-floor house, and I kept going into the back, though the kitchen, into a living room and then a bathroom in the back. Wash my hands, look at the backyard, it just seemed important to keep moving through there. There was this co-worker of mine standing in the living room, and I kept squeezing her butt as I walked by, and she kept laughing at me, so I figured I'm good.

I return to everyone passing around a glass of wine in a church chalice. I drink from it, but the wine spills from my mouth, leaving me parched (I have a cold, and was sleeping with my mouth open). We put a kerchief on the spilt wine and as the red is soaked up, the word 'recline' comes up in black lettering.

And so I go outside, and lay down in the grass outside. Fireworks start to go off in the sky, and I'm thinking: everyone else is missing this but me. Why is that? As the dawn breaks, the fireworks are still going off, but I can tell it's time for me to go back inside.

Floating

There are days when I hate being so far away from people I love.

Today is one of those days.

Everybody take care.

Talk to me

I went to lunch with a co-worker today, and we did our comiseration thing, talking about life the universe and everything.

Next to us at the bar, sat a woman; red, tighly curled hair that fell down just past her shoulders. She's constantly aware of her cell phone, and there's some twinkling in her eyes that isn't from joy. She's chain smoking menthol Camels.

And I ask her if she's alright. She isn't, but thanks for asking.

So the 3 of us have this conversation about relationships. The two women I'm with: in bad relationships. Me: in a pretty good one.

I fully intend on doing what I can to keep it good.

But, here are these two women, who seem to be interesting people, interested in the universe, and they have surrounded themselves with men who, for whatever reason, aren't that good.

And all I can think of now is: please, please, please, don't let me turn into 'that guy' for very long. Please, please, m'lady, talk to me, tell me what's going on, tell me what is on your mind.

If someone has given up talking. The relationship is fucked. If someone has given up sex. The relationship is fucked.

I don't want to be that person, who has just let everything wither, because he is unable to rise up and say something. I worry about this because I look at my life and I worry about that...

I know I won't be happy all the time, but I no quitting. Please. No quitting.

Title goes here

Today, I'm going to try to go the whole day without swearing.

Just to see if I can. I conceed that I might not be able to do this.

Holy shit

I mean.
I mean.
Fuck. I just. Nevermind. The linky says all.

2007

This week's lookback:

Shotgun Messiah-Violent New Breed
Eureka Farm-The View
American Girls-Fairweather Words for Four Letter Friends
Mindset-A Bullet for Cinderella
Replacements-Tim
Richmond Fontaine-Safety
Mudhoney-Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge

So let's hear it for having a cold!
Meh.

You'll have to believe me when I tell you: I'm not looking for things to bitch about. Really. Things aren't bad, to tell the truth. I'm not terribly sick, and so long as I don't rockstar out anytime in the next few days, I should be OK.

Oh, mighty A.Ho, find your password and join me again! I'm just a rather insane person out here without you.

The past again

Cave In-Jupiter
Seaweed-Four
Melvins-Stoner Witch
The Sultans-Ghost Ship
Annie Lennox-Medusa
Van Halen-For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

Yes, I'm aware that I bought Cave In's record this year. I'm trying to get a handle on if I like them or not. They're the kind of band that makes music that I'd make if I could. Lots of strange songs. Heavy most of the time, but trippy others. Great sense of lyrical playing around-maybe not great lyrics, but at least clever. And while I like the most recent album, Jupiter is supposed to be their best.

I think, though, they're a band I need to see live.

Everything else is pretty much out there. I'm starting to be pretty sure that FUCK is a not good Van Halen album. But I was 16 when it came out, and it's hard not to love Poundcake in the summertime. I'll probably keep it.


I was reminded today that women look at a guy's shoes. That they use this as a basis for what kind of man that person is.
Sigh.

I get that clothes make the person, frequently. As someone who utterly sucks at clothing selection, I just try to devolve my choices to the simplest things I can: jeans. T shirts. Black shoes, almost always tennis shoes (or 'trainers') because every other kind of shoe I've ever worn in my life hurts my feet, and I walk frequently and hard in my shoes. But also black shoes because they go with everything, short of a white outfit. Or so I thought.
Anything work related: slacks, hopefully darkly colored. Shirt with collar. Sweaters if I need them.

But it doesn't matter. None of this is simple, I'm told. My jeans should be different, so they show off my body. I shouldn't wear white socks with black shoes. A whole host of rules and things that I've got no knowledge of, and honestly, I wonder why I have to give a fuck. Who's making up these goddamn rules?

Nobody wants to be judged on how they look, right? Isn't this the mantra I keep hearing from women?

But we are judged on how we look. To an extent, I understand this; when we're talking about what's attractive to us, there is a visual element that cannot be denied. But there's always the slip, that moment where we cross from: that looks good to that's about them.

I hate it. I hate it that someone will look at my shoes or my shirt and decide things about me. Will see that I'm wearing white socks with my black shoes and think I look like an idiot. I don't think I look like an idiot, I'm just trying to avoid being mocked, but then again, I have to admit that my fashion knowledge is pretty much zero.

Sigh.

The other part of this is: I hate spending money on this shit. It seems so non-essential. Does this article of clothing fit? Is it comfortable? That's pretty much it for me, as far as it goes.
Well, ok: is it dark? Green, blue, purple (ha), black. Let's just stick with those colors, so I don't fuck anything up. White dress shirts are fine; those can't really be fucked up either. I don't like brown or beige or basically anything light-colored. White. That's it. I have a peach colored shirt that I pretty much wear at my peril, since I don't think I ever match the appropriate pants with it. I've got a yellow T that one of my sisters bought for me, but even she said that she knew I would only wear it for the slogan on the front.

Yes, yes; I could look for sales!
But that's just something else that I have to do that I don't want to do. Ebay for clothes. Great. I'm trying to drink here. Sometimes I even try to write.

And it's never just one thing. No. You can't just have pants that fit, because pants don't fit; you need a belt to make sure they stay on. You can't just have shoes that work, you need socks that go with your outfit. And on and on and on. More shit to keep track of. Does this belt go with the outfit? Is the shirt right? There is no; one thing fits all, or hell, I'd even accept 'most'.

They're clothes. They don't get me drunk, or laid; they exist to cover me from the cold, protect my feet from injury, and advertise band logos.

I don't need 3 pairs of shoes. I need shoes that don't hurt me when I walk 2.5 miles in 20 minutes. I need only 2 pairs of jeans; one to wear, and one to wear while the other is getting washed.

And since I'm not going to get it right, I'm going to have clothes pressed upon me: I'm entirely at the mercy of other people. I guess if I could learn it once, and then never have to think about it again, that would be ok, but mostly I just feel stupid, especially when I'm shown things I don't like (as with one ex-girlfriend) but there's an insistance that I look good in them, so I should wear them and like it. I don't like those clothes; why are you making me wear them?

It didn't matter. She knew more than I did, so I should suck it up. (Yes, I realize this has more to do with the kind of relationship I was in than it does about the clothes)

It's just: fuck man. The clothes are clean. They're all of some kind of evil dark shade. What more do you want?

And everyone tells me I should care about this. I suppose I do, but I'm just too utilitarian, and too cheap.

No. I take it back: I don't care about this, and I resent having to care about this. That's really the problem. Everyone else insists that this is important, and I don't see how having jeans that show off my ass will make me any happier. My opinion of what I look like won't change; I don't think I'm that attractive, nor that ugly. I just exist-a bit on the bland side, but nobody ever mistook me for cute, you know? Even if they did, I wouldn't want to be cute; cute is the worst thing to be. Cute is, in my experience, the female catch-all for anything they like; puppies, baby alligators, orchids, shoes, mini-cars, etc etc. It's the McDonalds word of good looks.

I'm happy just not looking like a dumbass. I think-maybe-I've accomplished this. That I have to pay attention to actually looking good, when I'm looking at far more difficult personal issues, confounds me. (Of course, one could argue that if I solve those personal issues, then I'll have to pay attention to fashion. Better to just stick with why unpleasant psychological issues. Less confusing.)


I guess the flip side of this is: I should give it a shot. Instead of resisting and insisting that everone else should accomodate me, I should just accept the advice of the well meaning, and do my best to try and get the things that someone else says looks good, that I can be OK wearing, and then buy that and hope I never have to deal with it again. I don't need any clothes for awhile, but the day will come, so I should prepare for it now. If I can learn a baseline of how it's done, these things become much less daunting, and I can ignore all the rest. Hopefully. If I start mentally prepping for it now, my complaining will be much less when the day comes, and I can take the advice in good spirit, learn from it, and move on.

Personality test

Just kinda fun.

Personal stats:
Stability |||||||||||||||||| 73%
Orderliness |||||||||| 33%
Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56%

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Snapshot:
messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic

All I ask of myself

This week's blast from the past.

Neurosis-Through Silver in Blood
Sponge-Rotting Pinata
Revolver-Cold Water Flat
Smashing Pumpkins-Siamese Dream
Moby-Everything is Wrong
Grotus-Brown
Spineshank-Height of Callousness.

I've not listened to Neurosis in...years. But now I listen to Isis, Pelican, Jesu, Boris-the followers, if you will. So I'm giving Silver in Blood a real serious listen, to see if I missed something. I expect that, if it's anything like seeing Neurosis live, I'll pretty much want to kill the planet after it's over.

I mean that in a good way, of course.

Wallflower

I'm continuing with my retroactive investigation to albums of yore.

This week, I've been listening to:

Peter Gabriel-Security
Mystery Machine-Headfirst Into Everything
Goo Goo Dolls-Hold Me Up
Jesus Jones-Liquidizer
Mind Funk, s/t
Judas Priest-Painkiller
The Buck Pets-Mercurotones

I chose the Buck Pets, again, because I wanted to see if I should keep this album or sell it. I think there are only 2 songs that really catch me, and I think I'll be burning that album and selling it back. Yay, .5 returns on cds!

Peter Gabriel, of course, holds up just fine. The other albums are good; enjoyable listens, even if I won't carry each of them with me to the desert island.

Rocket!

I've been a bit stuck in my writing lately. I just don't know what to write next-what scene should come now.

In a fit of I don't know what, I raided my music collection and pulled out a bunch of CDs I've not listenend to in years. Like 5+ was the standard. 10 if I could manage it.

They are:
Fields of the Nephilim-Earth Inferno
Phil Collins-No Jacket Required
Blue Oyster Cult-Imaginos
Def Leppard-Hysteria
The Buck Pets-To The Quick
Alice In Chains-Facelift
Mark Eitzel-Caught In A Trap...
Faith No More-Angel Dust
Foo Fighters-s/t

You know what? So far, they're pretty cool, still. I've only listened to the first 3 all the way through. Listening to Def Leppard now, and fuck if it isn't catchy. I mean, I don't need to buy another album like that, but it's not bad having one.

Mild complaining

It's a pretty broad topic, in a way, but I really just want people to do what they say they'll do. When they don't do what they say they'll do, then I'm happy to accept a reason why (car broke down, emergency came up, sex, super awesome once in a lifetime chance to do x, whatever), but to hear nothing is demoralizing.

I know everyone has their own sense of honor and value, and I don't need it to match up with mine, but if you say you'll do something, and then don't, and all I get is silence, what am I supposed to think? My inclination is to think that you don't give a damn about me, and even when you're behaving in accordance with your nature, it's still hard to forgive and let go of this.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Brewing

So today, I brew beer. Lots of cleaning, and boiling, and stirring. It's an ale, that I'm fucking around with by adding black british malt, as you'd find in porters or stouts (I'm not adding much black malt, though), and using Rogue's Pacman yeast. I like Rogue's beers. A lot. Plus, I get to watch football.

I'm not saying it's the bestest day ever or anything like that, just, hey! This is what's happening.

I've built a new Magic deck, and so far it's looking pretty awesome-it's the first deck I've build in over a year, so it's nice that things are going well. And I'm still fucking in big ways with every deck I own; I mean, the revision of 103 decks takes some time.

Speaking of hot tubs

Link goes to imbedded video.
I'd say it's NSFW.
But funny.

So she says to me-

she says: What would it take to get you into a hot tub?

And I say: "The existance of a hot tub."

Ah...memories. Memories warning me to be more careful in my future hot tub adventures than I was back in the 'Kan.

What you don't remember? You weren't there?
Not going to help you out. Sorry.
Mistakes, as they say, were made. Not all bad, but still.
And at least one person who shouldn't've seen my penis did.
At least.

Vote!

I mean, really, damit. I'm not asking anybody to agree with me on the issues, but I am saying: Vote.

It's really not hard, and it's one of the best ways to get your voice heard.

Take some responsibility for the country.

Yay Joe and Monkey!

I know I've been slacking. I'm not the only one!
/teasing my comrade

But I've been showing a friend around Portland. And I've had houseguests. (Hi Dad!)

And other shit. Man, get off my back!

My beer goes on sale this weekend! I'm pumped.

I've decided

Boris' Pink needs some guy hitting a cowbell throughout the entire album. It's the only way an album like that could be improved, it's so awesome.

Poultromachy

A war devised and guided by Chickenhawks.
So. Awesome. Check it out in the link.