Here's a thought

The next time someone makes a mistake, you might want to ask; did they make a mistake because they fucked up, or did they make a mistake because the instructions provided were unclear?

Ah, crap.

I forgot to call my Dad on his birthday yesterday.

An open letter to Sen. Obama

Dear Senator,

You lost my vote when you voted for the FISA bill. You said it was a bad bill. Senator Feinstein, who sits on the committee that oversees the wiretapping program and knows more than you about the consequences of this bill, said it was a bad bill. You voted for it anyway.

Which brings you into a direct clash with my values; when things are wrong, you don't let go of your principles even if you're going to lose. I know; You are in the game to win it. I know; your political opponents would hammered you on it. But they hammered you with Rev. Wright too, and you took a stand and treated us like adults and people stopped short and listened. On this bill, however, you voted for it, and then said it was a good compromise.

It wasn't. That was all I really needed to not vote for you. Your political career has been brief, your rhetoric not always backed up by consistent actions. This crucial moment came, and you let it pass.

People told me I shouldn't care, people told me that too much was at stake, that McCain was just going to further us into disaster. I felt I had principles here and I had to stick by them; retroactive pardoning of actions that violated the Fourth Amendment was not something I could stand for.

You still haven't convinced me to change my mind. You say you stand for change, but you don't articulate a strong vision. Healthcare, alternative energy, infrastructure both electronic and physical; these are big ideas we could be leaders in and are critical to our country's ability to be a good one, but you don't put it into a singular purpose as far as I'm concerned.

The smaller issues; homeland security, economic regulation, education, these things are bog points, and yes, you speak with great conviction on them but they don't convince me anymore. Solving these problems won't save us, because they are connected to larger ideas. Your job is to give this country a vision and then help us carry it out.

Worse, I am terrified that there will be no way to enforce the will of the people when you are elected. The ability to ignore the people in willful defiance of the disasters that he caused, has been one of the greatest tragedies of our current President. How can I be sure you will do what you say you will do?

I couldn't, so I couldn't vote for you.

You are fortunate, sir, that I am a reader. That I want to make sure I am doing the best I can, and in order to do that I try to absorb all the information possible that is available to me.

Esquire magazine published their endorsement issue recently. Perhaps you've seen it. You're no doubt aware of it, especially since they endorse you. They do a better job of describing things than I, both your strengths and weaknesses, why they think you're the man for this job. They evaluate McCain too, quietly but smartly evaluating why they think you should be President of the United States.

None of that convinced me. This did: Justice John Paul Stevens is eighty-nine years old, the editors of Esquire reminded me...

In January of 2009, if and when Barack Obama is inaugurated as the forty-fourth president of the United States, Associate Justice John Paul Stevens will be closing in on his thirty-fourth year on the Court and his eighty-ninth year on earth. And there, really, you have it. The best argument for the election of Barack Obama as president of the United States is written quite clearly in the peaks and squiggles of John Paul Stevens's EKG.

Just as, no matter how impressive John McCain could ever be, Sarah Palin should never, ever be allowed to be President, so must Justice Stevens be replaced by someone who truly believes in the Law of the Land.

So, Senator Obama, I will be voting for you in this election.

I do not like it. You have not earned my trust, you have not met any of my expectations. I am going to have to leave some of my principles behind in order to vote for you. In a very real way, I am doing what you did when you voted to pass the FISA bill, and I do not like that at all.

I am putting my country ahead of myself, however. That is not the greatest consolation for me. My country is made up of all those little choices that men and women like me make, most of us truly trying to make the place both good enough for themselves and a little better for the next group in whatever ways we can, and it lives and dies on our adherence to the qualities of honor that we maintain.

And my country has seen a great deal of dishonor in the past ten years. Dishonor that has come from the top and trickled down effecting everyone, so unlike the economic prosperity of a select few that liars would have us believe will buoy us all, leaving so many of us angry, frightened, and dispirited. I am very, very, very tired of it.

So I am going to put Americans ahead of my principles, the principles I believe that if people like me do not adhere to most days, will lead us to ruin, because the broad enforcement of the rule of law (not just through Justice Stevens, but through the other Federal judges I hope you will appoint) has to come before my strict adhesion to my belief that you do what is right, even if you are going to lose.

I am having to put my faith in you, that you will do what is right. That you will not utterly succumb to power and forget all that we have been through as a nation, but also remember that we are a nation of laws, and it is only through laws that are fair, honest, applying to all, that are in a word, just, that we will be able to address some of the wrongs that we have done. We have to right those wrongs Senator; those wrongs done to the world, those wrongs done to ourselves. It is our responsibility, because we had such a heavy hand in creating that mess.

I don't want to vote on my fears, fears of economic meltdown, fears of government intrusion both private and public into the lives of the American people, fears of tyranny in my own country. So I have to choose to vote on something else.

I am having to vote on faith, and I am asking you to justify that faith, as much as any human can.

Good luck Senator, and may we both find success in our efforts to make this a better world.

Shards review

In part for my friend J, who keeps telling me I should write tihs shit down so he has stuff to read.

I've been reading the Shards of Alara spoilerlist, and I'm pretty meh about this set.

Blue gets mega awesome stuff, because they've dipped into the artifact pool again. This time WotC isn't even trying to hide it; they're making blue artifacts. I realize that they have taken great pains to make the game more balanced, but every time they emphasize artifacts (and by relation, blue) they fuck it up, and the game suffers as a result.

And I only barely get why blue gets to lockdown searching of libraries. It seems like if you want to ensure the 'chaos' factor, red ought to have that. Fuck blue.

The silver lining here is that white gets some very strong stuff, being linked to blue-and thus artifacts-in this set. White has been needing a reasonable boost in power for awhile now, and slowly it looks like it's starting to happen.

Unfortunately, the other main white ability, exalt, is lame. It only works on attacking, so you want to load up one creature with all your eggs-and that strategy NEVER works.

Black also gets some nice cards, but that color doesn't need any help.

Red and Green get a focus on big creatures, but that theme has been plaguing those colors for ages, and is never successful. Or, it is when there is no viable countermagic in the format, however that's not the case here. Anytime you have a hard counter for less than four, and spot removal for the same, big creatures just won't matter. So blue and black once again look like the big players.

Worse, the 'abilities' that R/G get--devour--mean that they want to kill their paths to victory.
That. Is. Stupid.
If you're winning, this ability won't help you seal the deal, and if you're losing, this ability won't help you come back!

However, there's good and bad here, as with nearly every set. My problem is that I'm bored. This block is another multi-color set, and it's the 3rd such block in 5 blocks. There's too much of a good thing happening here, and it's becoming stale.

I'm glad the game is developing to help eliminate mana screw and color screw--two very frustrating ways to lose, especially for new players--but if they make multiple colors the best possible option, then it rapidly becomes the only one.

Issue number two: this set is probably the least focused set I've seen in years. At least it feels that way; cards that beg for 'support' cards that I just know are going to be released in the future--but for now we just have to suck it up and try and make these weaker cards work (shit like Resounding Roar. So many different things going on thematically that getting the set to form any cohesion is impossible, (cycling being smattered through the set, color themes bleeding over this way and that, 5+ power creatures mattering for some, but not all) and honestly, I'm just tired of it.

Sometimes, straightforward is good. I don't expect a block of monochrome, but the repetition of a theme like this has been visited too often, and the well is running dry for me.

Still; I loved Shadowmoor, but was disappointed by Eventide, so it's possible that the future of this block is still shiny.

Black Ice

I know that there is probably no reason at all to be interested in the new AC/DC record. But. Still.

Salon article

So I read the article linked, and yeah, I dig on it. Of course, going to the letters section there are a small but extremely viscous group of people-hating creatures who neither understand or empathize with someone who is having trouble. My general feeling towards people who cannot put their objections civilly is summed up thusly: Fuck them.

What is less good is the questions it brings up for me. The insistence that I cannot quit my job, because there are lots and LOTS of stories, especially now, about how bad things are. And, I have to admit; I fear poverty. Not being able to get new things-don't care. Not being able to eat properly, or pay rent; big care.

So that preys on me. What also preys on me, however, is the ache in my side I get from just sitting at this desk. I can't stay here. I have to stay here.

You might see the issue there.

It's weird being smart and so scared. I feel like I ought to have the skills to manage, but they seem to elude me. That's no fun.

The trick

Last week was a shit week at work. I can't remember being so angry at work; my frustration levels went through the roof.

I need a new job. I am afraid that my skills of mediocrity have left me with few avenues to pursue one. My Dad suggests 'leadership skills', but I honestly have no idea what that means or where I'd go to learn such a thing. I do not recall seeing these kinds of classes taught at GU.

I've always had trouble figuring out what I 'ought to do with my life'. I like to write but I have no idea how I'd ever get paid for such things, and time really does become an issue. Writing is hard work, and even though I like it, it takes time and effort to get something out that's worth reading. Then you have to be lucky enough to have someone pay you for it. I've never been much for promoting myself, so I generally hit a dead end when it comes to going anywhere.

They say there are two problems; you know what you want but you don't know how to get it, or you don't know what you want.

I seem to have a little of both. Maybe I should make a list of what I do want, so things will become clearer.

However, there are a few things that need to be done.
1) I need to not be angry at my supervisor. I need to figure out a way to release this soon, as she'll be in the office next week and will no doubt want a sit down with me. I need to be able to be civil with her.

2) I need a plan of action to get me out of Dodge. I really really have to leave here; I can feel it taking a toll on me physically. That is bad, no matter how you cut it.

3) I need a thought as to what I ought to be doing. If writing won't pay (since I have no idea how to make money at it), and I shouldn't be a teacher, what is there? I honestly don't know, and I'd like to stay in Portland to do it, whatever it is.

Mass Effect

At this rate, I'll be up there with GamersWithJobs or something. Except tardier.

But: Mass Effect: I have completed it.

Mass Effect is a story driven game, and I really mean that; a large chunk of the gameplay is a 'Choose your own adventure' game, where the conversations that the player had tend to influence the outcome of the events around you. The major plot points remain the same, but in between those are mini-quests that you choose to do or not, and those choices allow for certain stories to develop. The completion of those stories gives you more experience and potentially access to other goodies.

After that, the game divvy's up into two main gameplay elements: shooting and driving.

The shooting elements are pretty well managed I think, and one could spend hours, no kidding, mixing and matching the gear used as armor and weapons for this part of the game. This goes a little overboard, and it becomes cumbersome because the inventory screen isn't very easy to move through. I had to scroll down individually to each item to get to the next one. Being able to move through pages would've been easier, as would the grouping of items by name.

Once thrown into combat though, I found the game really easy to work with. The fighting scenes worked well, my squad rarely got stuck, and the environments were challenging enough that moving through them kept me on my toes. I didn't mind that spaceships or bases had the same layout; that's the way things get built, so I didn't care. The planetary environments were cool enough that I was happy.

Moving around the planetary environments, however was another story. Driving was a pain in the ass because the control for the tank turret could also cause you to move in the direction it was pointing. As a result, moving in a straight line was a challenge.

Now, BioWare (the developers) did the right thing by making it pretty much impossible to flip your vehicle and end the game, but they also didn't do themselves any favors by including so many mountains to try and climb over, slowing and sometimes even stopping my progress. The maps were only mildly helpful for navigating terrain; the places I wanted to go could be marked with a flag, but finding them on the map was sometimes a real chore. Terrain was marked by light blue and black, but locations I wanted to find had icons that were small and did not readily stand out against the light blue.

Secondly, there was frequent combat done from the vehicle, and the targeting reticle was frequently obscured by the environment. That was a huge pain in the ass. I couldn't see where I was firing, and that meant I would miss, or waste a cannon shot just to see where my bullets were going.

But there was no getting around this; any mission you wanted to take on any planet involved driving there, and inevitably confronting enemies.

Aside from that, I really enjoyed this game. Big space adventure, the ability to choose how to handle situations and people, and enough detailing that I can geek out without having to become hardcore. Fun stuff!

Get over it

I don't think Michael Ian Black is funny. It's weird to see people get riled about that.

It dawns on me.

Also. Why the fuck do I have to type in some crappy captcha code on my own blog? There's got to be a setting for that. Will investigate, because that's just fucking stupid.

Teh Crack

I started a 10 day free-trial of World of Warcraft yesterday. Bye-bye sleep. And boobies.

What We Eat

Grr

So, my car broke down yesterday. It's alright; nothing really was wrong with it, but I was stuck there for a little while waiting for someone to come jumpstart it. (The linky goes to the post where I talk briefly about that)

But I was also lucky that there was a payphone half a block away. It is making me consider getting a cellphone, again. Pros and cons?

Assassin's Creed

I finished Assassin's Creed for the PS3 last weekend and while I enjoyed quite a bit of it, the flaws in the game are problematic enough that I understand why it got such mixed reviews.

I liked the basics of the game; climbing things and jumping around rooftops, as well as stealth assassinations. But all the other missions seemed to be flawed. Picking someone's pocket feels like an awkward exercise in timing, instead of patience and skill. Combat is mostly a one button mashup affair, with the only skill being pressing a 'defend' button at the appropriate time. So anytime you have to fight someone, it becomes rather dreary with repetition. Since 2/3s of the missions are fighting based, it becomes a chore. Worse, since I am unable to dictate my moves, when I would defend then counter, I would end up punching someone instead of using my sword and I had no idea why. When surrounded by 5+ enemies this becomes an issue. It seemed like the game just decided for me; harder opponents will be ones you can only punch, weaker ones you can slice at.

Well, fuck that; give me a reward/penalty system or something, so I can decide which is best.

The stealth aspects are also implemented unevenly; all of the 'boss' missions require virtually no stealth, so it feels like I spent time learning how to behave stealthily, but there's no payoff for that. Once the boss mission is completed, you have to run for your life--there's no way to stealthily commit the deed, and then sneak away to get a head start. Exploring the city is fun but since the soldiers can follow me anywhere, it rarely feels like there is a payoff for exploring, beyond finding new missions to do and seeing the beautiful panoramics of the city.

One thing that really, really peeves me about games that encourage exploration is that the 'little bonuses' they reward you with are...well, a total pain in the ass without any payoff. Grand Theft Auto started this with the 'find 99 drug packages' thing in GTA3, and AC has a 'find the flags' and 'defeat the Templars' subgame. But there are 60 Templars, and 420 flags to find! On top of that, the map is not very helpful at letting you find those things. It should be, and there are 2 reasons why.

First, I only have so much time. Game developers, help me out! I want to play your games, but if you keep putting in things that must be stumbled upon at random, then I have no choice but to prioritize and say; Fuck that. I appreciate that some people have gone through the trouble to find all the flags and Templars and make a handy set of maps, but why should I have to go to a website to help me do something in the game like find flags? It breaks up the whole experience, and is just a pain in the ass. If I can't be a boss, or can't find my way into something, sure, I want to be able to get help. Who doesn't? But stumbling on random packages is...well, it's not fun, it's work, and that's not why I play games.

Second, if you're going to put in these little things, make it worthwhile! I climbed all the towers and got my viewpoints because it was fun to look around and then leap off. When I completed the game, I saw that I had a 'task done', so I went to look at it. All it told me was; all view points completed. Well, SHIT, I'm glad the act of doing it was fun to begin with, because I get nothing else out of the deal.

Finding a flag, or beating a Templar (when your combat system is weak), isn't inherently fun, and there doesn't seem to be a bonus for doing the thing that is fun, so what's my motivation? (Xbox owners can say; you get accomplishment
points, but what the hell are accomplishment points good for? It's just a trophy badge to let other people know you 'did' something, and at 36 just being able to finish a game is my accomplishment. I have, as a great friend of mine says, a host of responsibilities I'm trying to ignore, don't make me work to ignore them.)

So help me out; if I'm climbing the viewpoints, open up the map so I can find more stuff, which leads me to exploring more and learning more stealth stuff, and so on.

My final complaint is; the finale of the game involved the weakest parts of the game; combat. Sigh. All those hours learning cool stuff wasted.

Assassin's Creed developers; I enjoyed your game. I liked the story. I liked climbing around cities, and I liked figuring out how to be stealthy (even if it was frustrating occasionally) and although the random beggar bugged the hell out of me, I enjoyed the experience overall.

But please step it up for the next game, because I'm only willing to accept this game up to a point, and then I get worn out.

Comic

Boy do I hate yardwork.

blah

I'm depressed today. I'm not sure what admitting that publicly will do, aside from just let people know I'm depressed. Maybe that will be enough.

Austin is pretty cool

As a place to visit, that is. It's way too goddamn hot for human beings to seriously want to live there in massive numbers.

And; there's some good beer there too!

But, next time someone insists that Austin > Portland, and says, "Anything you can get up there, you can get down here," just say this:

Sidewalks.

Vacation

Off to Austin TX for the weekend. Never been, so it should be interesting at the very least, and quite likely awesome.

Going to end up drinking very shitty beer, though. That's a bit more problematic.

Just a few things

First; 'unscribe' is not a word. It's 'unsubscribe', damnit.

Second; Note to self: do not let other people's authority tell you what you like or don't like.

Third; walking through Portland right now,they're tearing up the streets for the N/S Max line (the public rail system). As they wrecked 6th Ave SW, I could see the strata of the earth, macadam, cement, wooden rail ties, bricks, dirt.

Wait. Rail ties? Uh huh. Looks like a few decades ago, a railroad went through this part of town. On this street.

The more things change, right?

Various stuff

First: http://www.ommatidia.org/

That's just neat.

I just got back from Las Vegas, where I visited my Dad and a few ex-Consumators.

I hate Vegas. It's impossible to get a decent meal for reasonable prices, and finding a beer worth keeping down is impossible. It is utterly devoid of the fun which it insists it is selling you, unless you 1) like to gamble or 2) like to spend a fuckton of money. Which is just gambling, but, you know, on something that you might get to keep. Or nourish you. Or basically provide some kind of return beyond; It puts the quarters in the bin, or else it gets the hose again.

When you aren't in the Vegas that everyone thinks of as Vegas, you're in either a) an insidiously ugly, shitty part of town or b) in a community that's gated and surrounded by a Southwestern themed strip mall.

It's a shame, because if you leave Vegas, the countryside is really quite pretty.

Went to see Iron Man, and it's as good as they say. Solid cast, decent story, all around good stuff. Dad's take: "Well, I'm glad I got to see it for free-and hell, I'd see it again for free."
Me:"Isn't that true of anything, really?"
"Hell, no."

I've finished up the Sly Cooper series on the PS2, and you know, it's pretty good. I think it got overlooked in the PS2 world with Ratchet and Clank and Jax and Daxter as competition, but lots of fun. Ending is a little abrupt, but not bad.

Went on a stripper bus via Barfly and had an interesting experience, touring various and sundry clubs in Portland.

Fav; Pirate's Cove. Our hostess Rachel Reckless was lovely too. And my girlfriend became the hero of the bus when she asked a trucker to move his vehicle so our bus could pass (long story, but it is one of those; that's why people don't like the police, things).

I guess that's the deal.

Creepy

But totally cool.

Warriors of time

I'm listening to the new Black Tide which is resoundingly OKish.

However, I'm just not sure I can keep an album where the lyric "We are the warriors of time" is sung without irony.

Suzanne Schnetzler dba Rocking S Farm

Posting this story as a favor to a friend.

Note to self

Sometimes it really is best to stay quiet. Avoids drama.

Internet drama plays out weird sometimes, though. In this case, I'm not sure I'd've noticed, if I hadn't been asked to notice.

Jovi Punch-Full Recovery

Either you understand how awesome that is, or I hate you.

Deleted.

Consumating is closing tomorrow. I deleted my profile as an act of defiance; they do not get to take it away from me. I will take it from them.

Have had beers. Need to sleep. But this is something I'm going to have to mourn and work through.

So...go me

Powered By Adult Toys Store

Cool flickr group

Found via the glories of http://goteaminternet.com/

Wow.

The money quote

Erick Erickson, editor of the popular conservative megablog RedState, conceded that progressives currently enjoy an advantage over conservatives online—though he attributed it to an asymmetry in free time, since conservatives "have families because we don't abort our kids, and we have jobs because we believe in capitalism."

Just. Floored.

Things get weird

One of Lala's friends died on Sunday. She was 37. From what I understand, it was a combination of things; mental health issues coupled with physical health issues, leading to...well death.

I had met this person a few times-really friendly and I liked her. Death comes to everyone, regardless of the quality of their personhood, but it just seems as though something fundamentally unfair happened here. As though she was sick, but her illness was not taken seriously enough.

I'm not sure. But it's one of those things; once it's done, it cannot be undone, and there's that gnawing sadness that comes with that.

Remember to let go

That is all.

Men becoming obsolete

I've been saying it for years; women do not need men anymore. A 60% increase in lesbianism, and men would become extinct. Because men are only needed for 2 things: sperm, and lifting heavy things.

Machines can lift heavy things. Sperm was a trick, but no longer.

Science is only just now proving me right.

Boys, be good to the women in your life. Just sayin'.

I couldn't even watch the whole thing

Good beer-really good beer-is slowly making it's way into the national consciousness. And I'm glad of that, but when I watch the video I link to I just feel the setback, like some kind of glacial momentum shift.

The dude acts like such a fucking douchebag, and the woman just seems to have this 'But I'm a girl I don't like beer' thing going on, with the subtext of cocksucking underneath it that...well, it's just a shame.

"Be careful, that beer is complex"
YOU ARE A DUMBASS

Nuking the site from orbit

I have a vasectomy scheduled for tomorrow.

This feels a little weird, because I'm making a choice that's quite final. Final choices always have more weight, and that weight is present in part because even though I never wanted to have kids, I did have the realization that I could have them, and it would be a good life.

That said; the idea of being a father scares me to death. I don't have a bad life, but I also am under no illusions that it's one that could support another human being. I guess what makes this event so weird is that I'm choosing between two fears, and I don't like either of them.

I also don't like the idea of something edged being taken to my testicles. I can't ever imagine a situation where I'm going to think that's good and hope for it.

As with so many things, the whole story is a little complicated. The lass at one point would've loved to be a mom. Now, the circumstances of her life compel her, as a smart, caring, wonderful person, to close that door. And she, she I'd have a family with; so it's bittersweet.

I was telling Rasta about it this last weekend, and what I said was, "This decision does not come without a little regret, but I think it's the best one."

I still do. I just think it's a little sad, too.

Grillin'

There's just a link. I liked it.

Weirdness

Had a really good weekend for the most part. My friend Rasta visited, and Fuz and I pretty much spoiled her rotten. It's nice to be able to treat your friends, when you can.

Saw Cloverfield, and thought it was a pretty solid film. Not the best thing ever, and sometimes hard to watch due to shaky cam issues, but well executed and a nice take on the Godzilla genre.

Sunday...I went out to meet up with some friends to watch football. In the middle of it, one couple got into a rather serious discussion, and it pretty much torqued the rest of the evening at the pub. It's weird to see people have out their relationship issues publicly, and gods know I'm guilty of having done that.

Why I love Fark

sigh

Remember: your depression isn't solved by discussion, it is solved by action.


It was a long night, in a way, and it had a lot of things to say to me that I wasn't alwasy happy to hear.

But, something must be done.

Also: Tights are not pants

Adaptabilty issues

When I make beer-and I am trying to do this at least once a month, if not more-sometimes, it comes out badly.
Fortunately, I can bring it to the Oregon Brew Crew for advice.

And, what I found out was that in the case of one beer, my willingness to swap one ingredient for another meant my beer tasted like death.

Sometimes, experimenting can really be awesome-but as with so many things, it helps to know what you're doing. Still, I'm glad I've fucked up, even though it was initially pretty disheartening, because I feel like I know more.

You can't win

I've been playing a lot of Scrabble lately. A friend of mine is on Facebook, and she's gotten me onto it, so we can play Scrabble.

I hate Scrabble. I like my friend, though. So I go.

I suck at Scrabble. Seriously. Just. Suck. My brain doesn't wrap around these puzzles. It's OK; not ever game is for every person. My head just doesn't get this game.
And of course, I'm playing someone who's good.

Perpetually losing at a game though, means that the game ceases to be entertaining. This is why it's so hard to keep people interested in a game like Magic; the learning curve is really high, and you lose a lot, frequently at random for reasons you don't understand. Even if you have a good teacher, (and while there might be schools for Scrabble, I haven't heard of them. Yes, I know there is a league and people who play seriously.) Magic can be a real bear to learn, because there are just so many decisions to make, and often so many ways to lose, instead of paths to win.

So if you can't win, what do you do?

You change the rules. My youngest sister is actually a genius at this kind of thing; playing Scrabble with her is irreverent and a hell of a lot more entertaining, although it does become a bit easier. But who cares? You get to play. Playing is a lot more fun than losing.

I'm now going to try and play my own game within a game. Winning the outer game is now irrelevant, because I already know it cannot be done. What the point of trying to win that game?

But the inner game. Ah; now this I might be able to win.

For example; I'm now going to have all my words equal a point value of 10. If I cannot devise a word with a 10 point value, I will either pass the turn, or trade in tiles.

Any other suggestions?

Just wanted to let anyone reading who I haven't told: my Dad's OK. He's tired, but he's been released from the hospital, and seems to be in pretty good spirits.

Ticket to immortality

So, with my Dad undergoing triple bypass surgery in T-4 hours, 45 minutes, I'm a little nervous.

Dad's had some real challenges in the past 10 years, and he's weathered them pretty well, but...I think he's lonely, and he's stuck in a job he loves in a city he absolutely hates. He knows he's getting older, too, in that way that people just know things about themselves, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

I don't want him to die. I just don't want him to have to keep suffering, either. I know that sounds a bit fucked up. I know that there are people who endure much more, and go on. But I don't want to see my Dad be sad all the goddamn time, and I don't want him to undergo this shit and just be miserable afterward.

He deserves a break. More than that; some good times, even. I'd like it if this turned things around in a really good way. Even if that good way isn't so awesome for me, if that makes sense.

Bring the pain, yo

I'd say I can't believe it, but I'm too jaded now.

Found out today Dad's going to have bypass surgery. This is not good.

Another stone to throw

I am aware that last night was not a disaster. But it sure fucked with me, personally.
I've been taking swing dance classes because the girlfriend loves to dance, and I'm old enough now that going into a room and doing something that won't kill me isn't so embarrassing and fucked up. I could do this, you know?

But as it turns out, I am not a very good dancer. I mean this from as detached a place as I can get; my body just doesn't like to bend or flex in ways that are helpful to dancing. I can manage it with a certain level of adequacy; I don't step on anyone's toes, I can find the beat-or re-find it, if I lose it (which is often)-and generally keep time.

I'm really not so good at leading, though. When you dance, as the guy you're expected to take charge, to decide what gets done next, etc, etc. I am not so good at these things in a social sense, and dancing is entirely social. Yes, yes, I'm still learning all of this stuff, but I'm generally wracked with various forms of indecision, and in the meantime just keeping a beat. Which is boring-eventually my partner is going to wonder why she hasn't been turned, or something'd, you know?

But, I took the classes. They went pretty well, and I thought I had a handle on some stuff. I haven't been in class for a month, but last night was the first chance we had to go out dancing socially, instead of in a class. I was nervous, but I always am when I go into a new situation. It didn't help that I was a little grouchy beforehand, but I was trying to throw that off before we went in, because what's the fucking point in being grouchy?

Ugh. I just...I felt awful out there. My legs were stiff, I couldn't remember the moves, I actually bumped into the girlfriend during a move-something I'd never done before- and nothing seemed to flow.

Worse, everyone, and I mean this, everyone from the 60+yo man on down, was better than I was. Not just better as in; oh, this person is new but improving, that one has a few years under their belt, wow.

No. Everyone was like: I've been doing this since birth, and I'm insanely good at it. They were fast, they were smooth, they were well versed. Every man, every woman; good at it. I tried to follow some couples, to see if I could pick up on some of the moves, or just learn something, but it was really fast, and a lot more complex than what I'd learned.

I got to watch my girlfriend dance with a couple other people, and she got to actually dance, you know? Not clod around while your lead tries to figure his shit out. She looked like she was having a great time--and I don't begrudge her that at all. In addition to my lack of jealousy about these sorts of things, I'm really glad she got to dance, dance, if you take my meaning.

Didn't help so much on the shame factor, though. All I could think about was how much I sucked at all this, and pretty much sucked at life (I've been having to look for a new job-or at least prepare for one, write resume, look at ads, etc-and so we could cheerfully describe my general mood lately as blackhearted.) And, of course, then when I would go out there to dance again, all these terrible mindfucks are not helping me do any better...

Most awkward? I actually had to ask the girlfriend to dance. I don't mean this in a negative way; we'd take breaks between songs and such, but then she'd look at me like: are you going to ask me to dance? Then I have this panic moment; oh shit. I have to ask her to dance? Can't we just go out there and do it? I didn't come here to just hang out, right?

I avoided asking her to dance, pretty much the whole evening. I mean, we did it-but she would nudge me and I'd be noncommittal about it, and then we'd go.

So the whole thing probably felt to her like she was burdening me with this-which makes us less likely to go out and do it again.

But I don't want that! There's no way I'm ever going to be good at this, but I'd like to at least be decent enough (and not ashamed of my ability) to do this and have it work out OK. She likes to dance; I don't want to be the stick in the mud that keeps her from going and having fun.

When we left, she asked me how I was, because I looked, "really bummed out," which was the truth. But I didn't quite have the wherewithal to explain all this then; I just tried to put a good spin on it and say that things will be better next time. I don't actually feel like that, but they certainly can't feel any worse, because I had a good 40 minutes afterward of doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself and wishing I was dead. Then getting into bed and trying to curl up and dissolve into nothing. Then waking up at 3am and feeling depressed. Then wake up this morning and feel glum.

Now I finally am writing this all down-in public no less, and again, really, after last night's journaling-and it's still depressing. Not as bad as it was 12 hours ago, but not good, either. I don't know. I'm just trying to work it out.

I was wrong.

There's also going into a room full of experts as a beginner to rail on the ol' self esteem.

There is nothing like looking for work to make you feel worthless.

My brain hurts now

There's...there's just nothing to be said there.

Strange visions

Had a dream last night that I was in a cabin on a mountain, during an earthquake. Large red stones tumbled downhill as I too refuge in a doorway, and then thing seemed to slow as an enormous rock slowly moved, end over end, toward the house, with me waiting until the last moment to move out of the way. Possibly closest thing to a nightmare as I get.

Find out this morning that there was an earthquake in Cali. How about that?

I'm not afraid of a panda, I know karate!

That there should've been some last words.

Memory's Garden

There are times when it's not easy to remember that I've got it pretty good. That what I've been asked to let go of this year will not cripple me, and someone else needed it more.

There are times when it's hard to get out of my own head. To remember to do the (art) work because it seems to be the thing that keeps me from splitting my head open on the steering wheel. Blood stays inside. INSIDE.

Damn. I forgot my yogurt today.

What's also difficult to not fucking whine. Because who wants to hear it? I don't really want to put the effort out there to make my shit entertaining or interesting. I just want to be depressed, have a couple beers and a really good hamburger and fries somewhere semi-gloomy. I also want to rewind life to a situation that seemed happy, even if it wasn't entirely.

I thought it was. Then again, what I'm asking for there is self-deceit, and that way lies madness for certain.

I guess that it's good to realize that since happiness comes and goes, enjoy what is there, and don't set up camp in gloomyville.


All that said: I need to start taking some steps. I know, I know.

Kyöpelinvuori

For some reason, I'm glad I learned this today.

City Livin'

Saturday night, I was driving to the store to get meat. I like meat, it's tasty.

Anyway, I'm driving down Division to get to the store, passing by a porn theater. The theater is bland; a forest green everywhere except for the yellow sign with red lettering, telling you it's Oregon's Adult Theater, and then a pair of mirrored doors (think bad '90's highschool van) for accessibility. There are no posters outside, nor anything, really, to give the place personality, and as a result there is a vague sense of creepy about it. (I want to go in and check it out, though.) That Portland still has these anachronistic haunts pleases me to no end. I doubt they will last much longer, but that they're still here in the age of internet and DVD, this makes me smile.

Today, however, I was to get an Icing on the cake moment.

Outside on a white sheet of paper, was printed this announcement:
Bicycle parking indoors.

I love living in this city.

Dead Eyes

You get up some mornings. The clouds in the east look a little like sky turds. The rest of the heavenly expanse is a dull orange, or a flat gray-blue. It's nearing autumn.

The whispers of Dead Eyes start up. Some kind of tape looped backwards, it upswings in a strange tone, as though it's going forward, even though you're hearing it in reverse. The whisper rises, just a bit more, and then Justin Broderick hits his first ka-chung! of a note, except instead of guitar strings, I swear he's playing the cables that hold up the Golden Gate bridge. The sound is HUGE, and he must be swinging a Thor level hammer to get that chime out.

Ka-CHUNNNNNGGGGGG

Then it hits again.
WA-CHUNNNNGGGGG
and the drums beat at the same time the bass is in there somewhere-for all I know, the guitar is the damned bass, but by now either you're in, or you don't get it at all.

The reverse loop rises, and the drummer fills in the spaces between hammerstringing, then you hear it. That faded, e-warbled voice. It's fuzzy, like a bad comb; no truly identifiable words are coming out of that mouth. It's the goodbye at the airport, Spock asking if the ship is out of danger, the breakup after all hope is lost, and you both know it. The words are vapor. The meaning still gets to you.

This is Dead Eyes. The air around you thickens, as though snow and gloom have combined to sludge your progress. The voice is your beacon, but it's not one that is telling you that things are going to be OK. The ground shudders under the weight of all that is doomed.

Hammerstrings fade, finally, the voice says his last. The reverse whisper starts to go quiet, the eye of the storm has approached...

Until a low, electronic, guttural tone is thrown from a machine surely belched from hell, and then Broderick is suddenly smashing the strings like a black door that must be opened, like the violet sun from claws of darkness, there is the rising, and FUCK YES every song should end like this, should have this Unfuckwithability, the countertone to the howling hammerstringing is almost barely noticeable, but it's SO THERE, and with the four pings upward, reaching higher the whole song makes sense. The hammer chords stop, cut as though the tone was killed. Then it fades out, the reverse whispers drifting away, a wraith on the bog.

I wonder why people listen to Coldplay. Ever. Even for a second.

Long week, no lunch break

All my predictions about the week sucking?
Very True.

And I currently want to punch the guy who created the 'Reply All' button in email. FUCK.

frustration

the pain, I feel it.

Suck

For work related reasons, today is going to suck like a black hole.

iTheology

For the last year I've been helping my girlfriend take care of her two darling/devilish children. Today the experience culminated in this thought: The fact that more parents aren't alcoholics proves, to me, the existence of God.

new sound waves

I think DM will dig this.

Awesome, if you're evil

So, I'm playing Bioshock, right? And it's rather wonderful. Really an amazing experience.

And I go to the Gamefaq boards, to see what people are talking about. I haven't gotten stuck yet and needed help, so that's good, but I like to be social about my gaming when I can.

But if you go to the linky...well. I suppose you just have to see it for yourself. I've rarely seen such ignorance buttpummeled so hard.

Wit

Today I take a stab at making the wit beer that I made last year with some fellows. The one that won our competition and was brewed at the Laurelwood Brewery and served at the Horsebrass.

So we shall see!

God Bless Us

Don't not go here.

Thinking

I've been thinking I need to 1) move my web site to a new URL and 2) redesign that bastard.
I wonder if I have enough aesthetic sensibilities to actually be a decent web designer.

Ah well.

#1 is b/c Earthlink broke me with their poor service during the move. I might be stuck with them for another year, but that will be it.

And of course, #2 is b/c it just hasn't been tweaked with in years. I may have to check and see if gentlemanvillain is taken...

All that said; that's why I haven't been doing much updates of my own site.

So here's the Xbox 360 review:

It's loud. Disturbingly so. You notice it during gameplay.

FEAR, the only game I've currently played, is atmospheric, short on story (unfortunately), and has some mild control issues, but plays well overall...and there's the constant fan whirring under it all.

The controller is a bit ooky, with the large trigger buttons and then the smaller trigger buttons. I have found it easy to slip and miss-hit a button on the trigger schemes.

I'm not too worried about the Red Ring of Death in part because I keep the machine in a well ventilated place, in the basement, which is cool (although it may move up for reasons listed later) and I lay the damn machine flat, so the huge venting ports can vent. Plus the fans that could wake Jesus. But either way, there's the RRD warranty at this point, so why get my knickers in a bunch?

I know nothing of the Live situation, as of yet. I'd have to pay another $100 for a Wifi attachment, and why the fuck should I do that? The PS3 comes that way out of the box I'm told, so...

Moreover, I can just move the 360 upstairs and hardwire that fucker up via ethernet cable, and that's currently the plan.

Keep at it MS. You will get the console right someday.

In the meantime, there is Bioshock to play, and that'll do, pig. That'll do.

it's a Foo thing

Thanks to my friend Ryan I was made privy to this Foo Fighters cover of Arcade Fire's Keep the Car Running.

Check out Stereogum for the lowdown.

Best.Gadget.Ever?

The thought I'm trying to work out today.

I will forsake Truth for truth, Love for love, God for the divine, so that I can feel these things in my life, instead of the barriers that keep me from them.


I don't know where I'm going with that, but it feels right, in a way I can't quite explain.

/STILL can't get the verification to happen the firs time. What is wrong with me?

Good with the bad, maybe

So I'm forwarded this YouTube video (thanks moxie!) and it's just amazing.

I scroll down to look at some of the comments, to see if there's some additional information about it.

evaunit511
"soooooooooooo beautiful.......so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes......"
It's a great video, but damn are you gay or what?

Thank you, evaunit511. Thank you for reminding me why humanity must be destroyed.

Cool

That's a hell of a way to make books.

3x and I'm done.

You only need to fuck up once, really, to lose a customer.

The fuckup counter for Earthlink? 3.

Now I'm trying to figure out what the 'contract' is, so I can either a) get out of it, or b) remember to bail on this shit come Aug 2008.

I have my moments

Talking to someone who might have to watch the show Friends.

"Resist, man. Friends is to comedy what a punch in the balls is to your happiness. Except you're bored too.
Seinfeld is the chainsaw to the balls."

72 hours later

Moving is a lot of work. It's always good, though, when you have a bunch of friends show up and kick ass for you.

The kitchen: done. Bathroom: done. Everything else: undone. The basement, Dr Girlfriend insists, needs to be cleaned before we start storing anything down there. Ordinarily, I'd probably not care, but I'm going to be making beer down there, and we plan on setting up a TV watching arena; we should make the space as livable as possible.

By gods I'm tired, though. My thighs ache. My toes hurt. My toes. Fuck me. My forearms have clutched a whole lot of boxes these days. And it's not done. This is the real Grrrr part of things.

However, the lass and I are of same mind here; We get this shit done now, right, and then we won't ever have to do it again. (Again being as long as I can possibly manage that; 5+ years, I hope).

The stereo is up. Thankfully. The phone; works--I still don't need a cell! The internet, however, is not. I really like Earthlink 95% of the time, but for some reason this process has been a clusterfuck from them.

Within a month, though, we hope to have the place suitable for company. Anyone who wants to come; visit. We've got the space.

Crooked Little Vein

Warren Ellis' book came out yesterday. I think I'll head off to Powell's to buy it.

I'm moving in with the lass, and things are starting to get a little more tense. Not in a 'oh god won't you just die!' sort of way. More like: Hey, boyfriend, shut up and listen to me for a bit!

Which, of course, I didn't quite hear, so I'm wondering why we're talking about the same thing for 10 minutes. To me; everything is going to be fine, all we have to do is do it. So I'm trying to exude calm, but at some point I just start thinking this is all funny...which might not have been my best recourse of action. Sometimes, my charm and wit really go over better in person than over the phone.

Something to work on. Which is good; I think the sign of a good life is a few projects you just never get around to completion.

/and my inability to enter the verification letters on the first try continues

In a nutshell, what my problem will be

With the Transformers movie.

"by the director's own admission, a film designed for 9- to 15-year-olds"

Which should be read as:
We can make a total piece of shit that will insult you down to the foundations of your soul, but so long as things blow up we'll take your fucking money, thankyou.

I don't mind that the movie is made for kids.
I just see no reason why it should be shit.

Manhunt 2

Does anybody else think that the whole AO rating of Manhunt 2 is just a big PR stunt?

Because it's all I've been fuckin' reading about for the past 3 days or so, and I just can't help but feel a massive 'ho-hum' about it. It's not like the first game was all that revolutionary. Or even really good. It was Metal Gear Solid with more fucked up kill scenes and a nihilistic plot.

My guess; Rockstar won't miss the publishing date of the game, because they already have a backup available. However, until I read reviews of it that say the game is worth playing, all the hype in the world isn't going to stir me from all those other responsibilities in my life that I have to get busy ignoring.

The Catastrophe and the Cure / So Long Lonesome

There are times, as with everyone I figure, where certain songs are associated with times/people in your life.

Right now, the last two songs of Explosions In The Sky's All Of A Sudden I Miss Everyone are anchoring this time.

And by right now, I mean...since March this year.

Yellow Silk thing

Going to be moving soon, and I found this in my stuff. I kept a copy of it for years...maybe it's time to let it go, but I thought I'd share it.

Light stuck to your naked bodylike a fresh cut haystack after a rain. You looked just like a desert sunrise and you tastaed just like gumbo and you smelled just like the spray from the breakers at Patrick's Point...

And when I pulled your thighs apart the sky opened and God himself came thundering down wearing a pork pie hat with a press pass stuck ini t, taking a seat at the announcer's desk of some celestial sky box, surrounded on every side by bleachers full of rowdy drunken angels.

"Don't mind Me," He said into the microphone.
-Carson Reed

Bliss In Concrete

I'm listening to The National's Boxer and Pelican's City of Echoes pretty much daily now.

Right now, those two albums make sense to me in ways I can't quite articulate.

I miss my friend a lot. I don't think she misses me, though. I hope, and I think, she's finding her way to something like happiness, and perhaps the only way for her to do that was to cast me off. Certainly, she's better off finding something good in the now, instead of mining time for it.

Still.

Maybe it's time for me to quit mining time myself.

I can never get the fuckin' word verification right on the first shot. I don't know why...

City of Echoes

It is good to have friends.

I was disappointed that I could not get the new Pelican album on 5/22, when it was supposed to come out. But life goes on, right? What else is there to do but go to Spokane, as planned.

A. hears of my plight, and leaves me playing Guitar Hero for five minutes. I'm pretty sure I played 'Unsung' way too many times.

Comes back with a disc: Pelican, City of Echoes.

Oh, I'm buying the record anyway, (in one more week, yay!) but this went a long way to soothe the wounds of what has been a really fucking lame 60 days.

Thank you, man.

So Awesome

I love it when cool people get together to do something.

Deus Ex creator. Hard Boiled director.

I mean, sure, it could be a clusterfuck. But the potential is neat!

Dream 88

So, last night I had a dream I was in a car accident. Going too fast, I hit an old Beetle--it looked like my first girlfriend's car--but I managed to slow down enough that there was an impact, but it wasn't too violent. I was part of a chain accident, on Division St in Spokane, near Northtown...I don't even know if they call it Northtown anymore.

I saw the Chevy Blazer coming up behind me too fast. It's night and headlights are everywhere. I tap my break ferociously to get them to see that something is wrong, and they do, but not soon enough. My car goes crunch, and I see the front end ripple with damage.

But the car behind the Blazer has seen nothing. Hits the chain at speed. My car is mooshed, and I'm now airborn, moving in slow motion, like a car wreck from Burnout. It's frightening, and I'm pretty sure I'm about to end up in a flipped car.


This is the kind of dream that makes me a little wary about driving to Spokane tomorrow...

Misheard

Today I ran for the bus. It was about two blocks away, and I was about one, so I kicked it up a notch and made a sprint for it.

I get on the bus, and the driver looks at my pass, nods, says good morning, and then:
"Nice asshole."

I did my double blink, but kept moving.
Did she say what I thought she said? I've never seen this woman before in my life. Why would she compliment me on my asshole?
I mean. Really. That's the weirdest fucking thing...

I sit down at the back of the bus, and I ponder. Because I couldn't've heard what I heard. That just doesn't make sense.

So I replay the scene in my head.
"Nice ______"
What the fuck was it.
"Nice hustle."

Oh!
This makes me feel much, much better.

Super Awesome

Go. The link will tell all.

edit: thanks to brainforest for that link.

edit 2: linky no worky now. Sorry.

Today is different

No, I don't know why.

I just feel better.

I take it back. I do know why.

I started writing again last night.

Note to self: after you've walked the miles, it's time to do the work.

of course

If one is actually going to do the avoidance therapy, then it helps if one actually fucking avoids.

Goddamnit.

From Free Will Astrology

"I'm a big fan of facing your problems head-on and dealing forthrightly with your pain. But what if that approach isn't always best? Renowned psychologist Richard Lazarus said he wanted to "challenge the view that psychological health demands full realism." He believed that some sick people get healthy faster by refusing to admit how serious their problems are. To those in stressful situations, he recommended that they could reduce their anxiety by describing their predicament in a matter-of-fact way. "Avoiding what is painful, to a great extent, seems to serve a positive function," he concluded. Although I'm not sure this strategy is universally applicable, I do recommend it for you right now, Aries."


I think I'm going to give this a shot for a little while. Fuck confronting those things that hurt.

Weekend

It was a slightly odd weekend. Very few plans worked as intended. This is OK, but it is the kind of thing that can throw a body off.

Sunday was a recovery day. I'm glad April is almost over. I'm goddamn tired of this month.

After playing God of War 2 for a few hours, I let my thumbs rest and just watched TV, because I couldn't be troubled to write at that moment.

So, drearily, I watch Die Another Day. I really have to learn that I have movies I can watch...

The point being twofold here. 1) Samantha Bond is a hot Moneypenny.
2) Halle Berry cannot act. Maybe ever. But certainly, if ever I wanted to see bad acting, this would be the performance I would point to. Holy fuck does she suck as an actress.

Morning Ritual

Taken from Modern Shadows' LJ, and she, of course, got it from someone else (who I've linked to) but! the question put to the audience is: what is your perfect morning ritual?

I'm not a morning person, really, but the wakeup ritual that I enjoy goes thusly:

8-10am, realize I'm gaining consciousness. Enjoy sleeping if the heat is on-the low roar the heater makes in our house has a soothing effect on me. Either way, some kind of lucid dreaming happens.

Lay in bed, stretching. Get up.

Shower. Shave as needed.

Breakfast.

Turn on whatever loud music I feel is good; begin to destroy the universe.

Read at Salon

and you have to learn how to admit failure and walk away from it and not torment yourself. Sometimes the remorse is worse than the offense.

That's something that struck me particularly strong today. In a way, that's my life, right there. I am more than willing to beat the fuck out of myself for something I did wrong, even if there was no wrongdoing, merely failure. As the song says: 'It's a shame when the parts fit, but the machine won't work'.

Sometimes, the goddamn machine won't work. It's not my fault that it won't. But still, I go back and rethink, relive every moment of embarassment or failure, searching for the moment that I blew it, the thing I could've or should've done differently. Sometimes there is something. Sometimes, there's nothing, but I still feel responsible.

Perhaps this is the burden I place on people who I call friend. I will do anything, damn near, for someone who I've called friend. This means something to me; it is a binder, a statement of love that holds up so long as I'm not mistreated-although sometimes long after I am. But my friends know this; they know that I will stand by them, will do things like get on the next flight to wherever they are and help them, should they ask. Will offer succor regardless of my own situation.

I will do things that are potentially risky or stupid or unwise, because they ask. This is cannot be an easy thing to know. And when they see me go off to do something potentially unwise...well, that's got to be a bitch, since someone in love can rarely be told they shouldn't act. Action is what love is all about. (Although I'm thinking more and more that it's about the small actions)

Keillor is talking about politicians, but the lessons of politicians are just as applicable to life anywhere, you know? Maybe that's why I spend so much time thinking about everything I could or might do. I understand that the consequences haunt me, personally, for a long time when things go wrong. And things always, always go wrong, you know? That's life. That's what happens to us.

It's hard for me, though, to admit failure and walk away. There's always that 'if only' key that seems to keep the door locked from being happy. However, we don't live in the alternate Earths. We live in this one. In this one, the failures I have are ones I have to own up to, but maybe I don't have to carry them around all the goddamn time. There really is no reason to inflict suffering on myself, there's plenty to go around, and as Fuz as pointed out to me; love is not about who can suffer more.

Dream #2341

Or something.

Anyway, on Saturday I had a dream I was wandering through New York. I ended up going down an alleyway that turned into a library. As the library narrowed, I came across the naked ghost of Marilyn Monroe, who was passionately lecturing on the loss of civil liberties in this country. She was using a Powerpoint presentation, and it all looked very slick. She kept popping in and out, though, at one point slyly playing a game with me, where she moved objects without being seen.

Eventually, she finished and went into another part of the library. By now, I was in a strange place with lots of pools in it--but still part of the library. Then I looked up, and there were very large clear tubes running along the ceiling, very high up. Klaxons went off, and, I and some other patrons waited while they flooded the room-the room I was in. The pools lit up, and the room flooded, and everything took on a teal tint.

Then white tubes descended upon the clear ones, and the water floated up and the room was drained.

Somehow, turtles are connected to this. Especially sea turtles, and the way they move. And I've now been inspired to build a machine to help...something. My flight for home from NYC is something I'm going to miss.

(I wish I could remember what I was supposed to build that machine for. It was cool in the dream)

Medicine

I can't stop listening to Jesu's Medicine. It's oddly addictive. It's also got a haunting quality that seems all too appropriate for me these past few days.

Some things have gone wrong. Oh, it'll all be ok. The sky will clear, the ship will aright itself. But for now, I just want to cover my head and sigh. I don't want to be at work today. I'm on under three hours of sleep, and a gnawbone of stress, bad news, and general unhappy. I would've called in sick, but I'd committed to doing something at work today.

Fucking responsibilities. What is wrong with me that I can't take a day off when it's obvious that I could use one?

Something quite grave, it would seem. I'm just not quite human today. It would be a good day to be human, and there are a few legos missing from the structure right now.

Fuck. I have work to do. No more bitching.

I got to see Jesu and Isis last night. They were both great, but Jesu had some sound mix issues during their first song...which was 1/5th of the set. Plus, while they did play songs I liked, they didn't play anything I loved (Dead Eyes, Medicine). Isis, however, kicked all kinds of ass. A good show.

the medicine is all we need
to keep us away and hidden
we can only see the sunset
we can never see the sunrise

in our funny little homes
we're really quite alone
we're just a sitting target
for your superiority

sunrise
sunset

the medicine is all we need

Wow

It's my nephew's birthday today.

He's a year old; I'd forgotten today was the day b/c I didn't write it down.

Also: Spokane trip 5/24-28.

Skulking

There are days, of course, when I wish I had a place where I could write and not be known.

It's not that anything is wrong, of course, more like: Where can I go and scream out my lungs so I can reset and come back clear headed?

And then I remember: I have a journal. Yeesh. I think tonight might be a good night for going out into a dark place and writing and clearing my head a bit.

Clearing my head a bit = drinking.

God of War 2

Link will take you to the P-A comic.

Which pretty much nails it. I don't even know how far I am, (not very) and already my thumbs hurt. I have to take a break every 3rd save point, because my hands will ache if I don't. (So it's a good thing I've got FF12 to play in the meantime)

God of War 2 is, shall we understate, hyper-violent. I'm aware on a very basic level that I should not find the act of tearing off an arm to beat someone with it funny. Nor the act of slamming a door onto a head until the enemy dies . Nor the slicing off of griffin wings. Like buttah.

But I do.

Jesu review

From PopMatters.

Quote from the review: "The closing track “Stanlow” is the album’s single most accessible tune; even more than “Silver”, melody dominates over riffs, daring to rival the kind of sweeping stadium ballads that Coldplay excels at (in Chris Martin’s hands, this song would be a smash)."

Let me fix that.

"daring to rival the kind of sweeping stadium ballads that Coldplay excels at (in Chris Martin’s hands, this song would fucking suck donkeyballs pulled from my ass)"

I don't think that much of Coldplay, you might say. But the reviewer gets most of the rest of it right, even if he wants to insist 'Sliver's' best song was Star, when it was actually Dead Eyes.

The time change is kicking my ass, man. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've not been able to quite turn the bodyclock up as easily as I wind my watch. Part of it is; The Earth is not where it usually is when we do the timechange. It's still goddamn dark out when I get up, as opposed to the light showing up. For some reason, sunlight is equated with morning for me. Can't imagine why.

Goddamn Republicans. They're even trying to manipulate spacetime.

Things are pretty good otherwise. Lala's birthday party was last weekend, and holy crap did it rock. Work is work, but I'm gettin' paid, so no complaints. Going to Vegas next week to visit my Dad. So all is good.

The breakdown

Had a dream last night that I was being persued by people who wanted to stone me to death. I was telling them something they didn't want to hear.
It was made even odder by the fact that when I went from place to place (park to playground to hill, for example) I'd pass through these blue dotted lines, like the barriers in Final Fantasy 12, that show the transition from place to place there.

Either way it woke me up and I took a picture.
One bonus of doing the 24 hour film project is: I discovered I had a flickr account.

Who knew?

Currently listening to the new Jesu. It fucking rules. No really. You can hear a streaming version of Conqueror here.

A friend from high school as gotten back in touch with me. It's been cool, if a little strange. She's been through quite a lot...and me? Well. I'm still me, eh?

I guess that's it. Everybody stay tight.

The Departed and more

So I went and saw The Departed on Saturday (good timing, eh?), and let me just say it: It shouldn't've won best picture.

It was very, very good-I was ready to say it's the best damn gangster movie since Miller's Crossing. And then, without revealing too much, they cut the emotional legs out from under the audience. I think it was done to give it that Scorsese feel, but it really was unnecessary, because of the way things were going anyway. I was left dissatisfied, because the movie fucked with what I wanted from it as a story.

Don't get me wrong: Scorsese is one of the best, and most important directors in cinema. What he's forgotten about movies is more than any 4 people know about them. But The Aviator was a much better movie, and Goodfellas is a classic.

My desire, however, to see Infernal Affairs remains unabated.

I've also started watching The Wire and while some people have said it's the best show on TV (yeesh-the hype, the HYPE) I'm not seeing it yet. I've only watched 3 episodes, though, and it is pretty good.

Sat night dream

The dream was a recast of The Breakfast Club--you can imagine which character I was playing--and what I remember is Ally Sheedy's character smiling at me, but that I wasn't going to get to interview her. She wants to be interviewed, but we're both too shy around all the other people.

Anyway, the whole thing was taking place in a white single-floor house, and I kept going into the back, though the kitchen, into a living room and then a bathroom in the back. Wash my hands, look at the backyard, it just seemed important to keep moving through there. There was this co-worker of mine standing in the living room, and I kept squeezing her butt as I walked by, and she kept laughing at me, so I figured I'm good.

I return to everyone passing around a glass of wine in a church chalice. I drink from it, but the wine spills from my mouth, leaving me parched (I have a cold, and was sleeping with my mouth open). We put a kerchief on the spilt wine and as the red is soaked up, the word 'recline' comes up in black lettering.

And so I go outside, and lay down in the grass outside. Fireworks start to go off in the sky, and I'm thinking: everyone else is missing this but me. Why is that? As the dawn breaks, the fireworks are still going off, but I can tell it's time for me to go back inside.

Floating

There are days when I hate being so far away from people I love.

Today is one of those days.

Everybody take care.

Talk to me

I went to lunch with a co-worker today, and we did our comiseration thing, talking about life the universe and everything.

Next to us at the bar, sat a woman; red, tighly curled hair that fell down just past her shoulders. She's constantly aware of her cell phone, and there's some twinkling in her eyes that isn't from joy. She's chain smoking menthol Camels.

And I ask her if she's alright. She isn't, but thanks for asking.

So the 3 of us have this conversation about relationships. The two women I'm with: in bad relationships. Me: in a pretty good one.

I fully intend on doing what I can to keep it good.

But, here are these two women, who seem to be interesting people, interested in the universe, and they have surrounded themselves with men who, for whatever reason, aren't that good.

And all I can think of now is: please, please, please, don't let me turn into 'that guy' for very long. Please, please, m'lady, talk to me, tell me what's going on, tell me what is on your mind.

If someone has given up talking. The relationship is fucked. If someone has given up sex. The relationship is fucked.

I don't want to be that person, who has just let everything wither, because he is unable to rise up and say something. I worry about this because I look at my life and I worry about that...

I know I won't be happy all the time, but I no quitting. Please. No quitting.