The third decade

I got laid a lot.

Of course there was much more to it than that, but...I got laid a lot.

I also learned how to drink, learned how to be social in a group, how to navigate situations where I was a stranger. I did this in a manner that allowed me to see a chunk of the world that many people do not and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I realized that being mean was leaving me lonely and unhappy, so I decided to do something different. Being kind has worked much better, though it has taken me a little while to get there.

I was a less than good boyfriend. A chunk of that decade as about learning to be a better one.

As a matter of fact, I think a great deal of that decade could be described as the one where I tried to improve everything, one way or another. It didn't always work but it certainly kept my mind open, at least in a personal way.

Professionally...that's another beast.

The second decade

This is the decade where I learned to be mean.

I don't entirely blame myself for this: my examples were poor, I was being mistreated in school, things were very, very difficult. It's certainly possible I could've become a kind person at that time in spite of it all but it was unlikely.

And so I wasn't. It was partly a way to keep people from humiliating me, partly a way to filter out who could be or wasn't my friend. It also put me in touch with my own darkness, or certainly brought it out, which is something I have to admit, I needed in order to understand myself better.

But I was not kind and I have a few regrets as a result.

I learned a bit about how to treat women, who had previously baffled me: like I would a man, was my decision. I learned that didn't always work out but it wasn't a bad place to start. I even ended up dating one, for the first time and what I learned from that could be its own short stage drama. So let's not go there.

I also learned how to tell a joke, how to find comradery in the trenches of shitty jobs, tell stories that people might want to hear, read books that let me know there was a more interesting world out there than I knew and probably most significantly, I learned about heavy metal.

Man, did I love heavy metal. Still do-it's one of those threads that wind through my life, even now, nearly twenty five years later. I still love heavy metal.

I'm not entirely sure what that says about me, except that when I love something I tend to love it for a long time. My favorite color is still green. Most of the few friends I've had I still have: there aren't many but they're still around, is the point.

That's pretty lucky.

Letter sent 2.27

Dear Mr. President,
Lately I have been finishing off Stephen Erikson’s Malazan series of books. I prefer to read while taking the bus to work, since books still seem to be one of the best ways to really engage in a story and it allows me to tune out the daily commute. I have no idea when someone in your position might get reading like that done; one of the biggest drawbacks to being in charge has got to be having to rely on other people giving you information when you used to get your own. The Malazan books are a high fantasy series (sword and sorcery) that, as it approaches its conclusion, has an undercurrent theme of the decline of an empire.

For example:
“The more civilized a nation, the more conformed its population, until that civilization's last age arrives, when the multiplicity wages war with conformity. The former grows ever wilder, ever more dysfunctional in its extremities; whilst the latter seeks to increase its measure of control, until such efforts acquire diabolical tyranny.”-Duiker, Toll the Hounds

It is difficult, as an American, to not read passages like this as though they are a commentary on my own country. I never thought we, of all countries, would have an empire but the signs are too great to ignore. Which is mostly an aside, really: the situation is what it is.

It does seem, however, that the battle is between the have and the have nots. I seem to read daily about how corporations are getting their way because they have the money to walk the halls of power, while individuals find themselves increasingly marginalized and, as a result, behaving in less and less appropriate manners. An easy example of this would be the recent SOPA and PIPA acts; things that were so blatant in their attempts to suppress “piracy” that they actively overstepped the rule of law, yet were being seriously considered, seriously enough, anyway, for massive protests to be required in order to put a stop to them. Of course that isn’t the end of it, so what it demonstrates to me is how much effort is spent to increase or insist upon control.

A very similar argument could be waged against the drug war: we have lost it under any rational metric. However, instead of changing the policies of failure, a change that has shown demonstrable improvement in Portugal, we continue to fund increased surveillance and bigger prisons.

Why else would we do that, except to ensure control against a society that is increasingly insisting upon their rights?

And who benefits from having all these people jailed? Who benefits from ensuring that the authorities know what kinds of thoughts we are interested in?

This is the question I find myself asking over and over: Who benefits from this? Who benefits from curbing our rights so, to extending copyright beyond what it should be, to concentrating money at the top, starving schools for funding and imprisoning our citizens?

The answers seem to keep coming back to large corporations.

If, as you said in the last State of the Union, you believe that government should only do for people what they cannot do for themselves and no more, then why should our government assist any corporation that is successful? Corporate subsidies, laws dangerously slanted to their advantage, no-bid contracts: how is this not stepping into do something for these entities that they should be able to handle on their own?

They are dangerously close to creating a tyranny of the minority and what I need from my government is to protect me from that. Or at least level the playing field so that, as a nation of laws, I can expect those laws to apply in a just manner.

I think you also missed a golden opportunity in the State of the Union, sir. You said that you would sign a bill banning insider trading tomorrow, if it was sent to you. Which is great! However, there was an opportunity for you to tell the people of the country to motivate our representatives and it went by, lost. There was a chance to talk to us and I’m thinking you need to take it, sometime. The State of the Union was critical for Congress when television didn’t exist but now it’s a moment when everyone is watching and I believe you have a chance to challenge Americans to continue to do something great.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve got for now. Other big ideas will come next time, I’m sure. My beer recommendation is Deschutes’ Red Chair NWPA (northwest pale ale—just a fancy name for a solid IPA) and I’ve just started reading Jacob Needleman’s American Soul. I’m about ten pages in and I’m thinking everyone should read it.

As always, I hope we get to have a discussion of some kind, someday but if not, that’s alright. Best to you and yours.

Sincerely,

The first ten years

It's not easy to recall what I learned when I was very young and everything gets put through a filter; time makes some things seem not as bad or less awesome. But I don't want to approach it that way, too much: the things I loved I loved. The things that were bad, not so much-even if now, it doesn't seem so.

I want to focus on the positive but I almost feel like that would be doing myself a disservice. I learned things and they weren't all good.

I learned that I would be mocked for loving something people didn't understand much about (in my case, dinosaurs and space exploration.) I learned that I didn't want to be different but I was; my clothes, my glasses, my interests. I learned to be exclusive, because I was afraid of being teased by newcomers and I didn't take teasing well at all from anyone, especially people close to me. I learned that being smart didn't seem to matter to anyone else but my parents.

I learned to hate work. I remember my parents bought me a 'Slave Boy' t-shirt because of my complaints. I think I took it pretty well, all things considered. I wore it, at least.

I learned that going to people in charge was no way to ensure that your problem would be taken care of. That one hurt, quite a bit.

I think I learned a lot of things that would make me sad, later and mean, too. But there were some important and good things too.

I learned the good guys didn't always win and that bothered me. They should. Being right matters-though at the time, I thought that being right meant getting your way.

I learned that you stand by your friends; the promise you make to them matters, because I didn't like it when someone broke a promise to me.

I learned that thunderstorms, light sabers and giant lizards with teeth were cool, that maybe the monsters weren't all bad. I learned to ride a bike. I learned I like to walk around and see the city. Wintergreen was tastier than spearmint. That there was something about girls that I couldn't figure out but I liked-or at least wanted to like. They scared the hell out of me. Women, not so much; they at least talked to me about things I could understand-or let me talk about things I understood.

I learned to build spaceships from Legos and Tinker Toys. I learned to tell stories and draw maps and all that mattered was that things were cool.

I learned to read and to love stories. I'm sure I'm missing more but there are three more decades to go and only so much time.

Letter sent 1.26.12

Dear President Obama,
I hope your holidays were enjoyable! I’m writing this too soon to tell you about mine though but I have high hopes that things will be fine.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the saying “The good is the enemy of the great”?

That’s what I’ve been thinking about, when pondering some of the issues facing our country. Mostly, sad to say, how we as a nation seem to be settling for good and what good is defined as seems to be sliding towards the negative, wherever it can slide.

When I read about how your Justice Department fails to go after the people who broke (or likely broke) laws governing Wall Street so that our financial markets remain secure, or how people or corporations who were brought to trial were imposed paltry fines, I feel like we have merely accepted what is good, instead of what is great.

My brain drug up that saying, “The good is the enemy of the great”, after watching a piece on 60 Minutes, the one asking why nobody was being prosecuted for corruption on Wall Street, as a result of the housing crisis. During that broadcast, a woman charged with following up on reports of corruption at Countrywide said that she was told by a broker (I’m paraphrasing here) “I’m not paid by the quality of the mortgages I bring in.” That statement alone says much about what we are OK with as Americans, now.

It took about two days before I remembered a report I read on food in this country and why farmers are reluctant to switch to practices that are less harmful to the planet and provide better tasting food but will give them a lower yield. Again, I’ll have to paraphrase: “I am not paid by the quality of the tomato, but by how many tons I ship.”

On a personal level, I see this all the time: people ordering Pabst Blue Ribbon at a pub instead of an excellent microbrew, when the difference can be as little as seventy-five cents because they want more, not better.

Mr. President, if I want volume I’ll listen to Metallica. The 80’s stuff: I can’t stand anything done between 1990 and 2002.

In great societies, justice is something that comes to everyone, regardless of their station in life. Is pursued with appropriate vigor and more importantly, is celebrated. A society that recognizes and settles for the powerful doing what they want, regardless of the rules, is one that has settled for the good.

Neither of us is foolish enough to believe that the powerful will never find themselves in situations where they are untouched by the consequences of the law but to use that as an excuse to do nothing misses the entire point of having a society where one of the defining characteristics is that everyone is equal under the law, entirely because they are NOT equal (and in some cases cannot be equal) in many other places.
Yet here we are as a nation, in a situation where Americans don’t think that they are getting treated fairly in comparison to the wealthy. In many cases, they can demonstrate how this is true, pointing to situations both social and legal where a wealthy person had power they should not have. The proof is right there in front of their eyes and most are not in a position to change this.

To extend this to the farming world; the groceries I am able to purchase that are made with corn subsidies are significantly cheaper. I can get more of that food, but they are terrible for me in volume. Every respected study demonstrates this. Yet what is emphasized is more, instead of the quality of the food and the ability to feed ourselves as a nation and beyond, into the future.

Now, I don’t know how to address that mindset, precisely, but I do know that the consequences of relentless greed in our country have been more than adequately demonstrated and because we have decided to accept the good instead of strive for the great, those people who instigated this set of circumstances are not investigated nor prosecuted. That fact eats at us, as though we are being fed unhealthy food, especially when we see that your Administration has gone after government whistleblowers with a vengeance or that people responsible for our current woes as a nation, especially fiscally, are being put in positions of power in the government.

I don’t know how we become great until we expect greatness and that expectation has to come from the top as well as the bottom, Mr. President. I think we can be great; give us the circumstances to do so.


In the meantime, if you haven’t had a chance to try Sam Adams’ Mighty Oak ale, I recommend it. Solid malty brew with a hint of vanilla. I just don’t want to end on a down note, you know?


Sincerely,


P.S. Nice State of the Union address. Maybe I’ll talk about that next time.

Welcome to the internet

Read this bit and some of the subsequent thread.

I have to say: this is why mob justice is frightening-it simply does not know when to quit. Dude was an asshole, dude deserved to be fired from his job.

But so many people didn't want to leave it there and so they end up threatening a wife and child. How is that OK?

You want the power of making right wrongs, bros, then you have to know when your right becomes a wrong.

Just sayin'.

Letter sent 12.21.11

Dear President Obama,
This is, admittedly, a little strange: as a public figure-one whom I employ, no less-I have a sense of you but we’ve never met. Yet I’m writing a letter, something that, in this day and era has become, I hope, a bit more personal than it used to be. That you don’t know anything about me is what makes this unusual, at least from my end.

Perhaps a few details will help: I’m 39 and I just bought my first house in Portland, OR. I’ve lived in the Pacific NW all my life but I was fortunate to travel to Europe in college and that did a great deal to broaden my horizons. I’ve also been lucky enough to have enough money to indulge the occasional whim and still keep a roof over my head. I brew beer and play games as a way of making and strengthening my social circle. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for seven years and I’m very glad she likes me as much as she does. I read as much as I can, write when I’m able and walk every day to get some exercise.

I don’t expect you will read this, nor have the time to respond. That’s OK: I’m writing this just as much for me as I am to you. If this letter is fortunate enough to make it to you personally, then I count myself lucky. I’d prefer not to get a form letter back. I’m a citizen and I have some things to say. If we can’t have a discussion, well that’s alright but I’d ratjer we didn’t have a discussion because you’re the President and busy and I’m a citizen and busy than us having a ‘pretend’ discussion where I get pre-stamped responses.

Maybe when this is all over, and the letters have been written, your term is done and things settle down a little (which may be some time away, I understand) then we could have a beer. In the meanwhile, let’s get to talking, shall we?

I’ve been watching things as closely as I’m able and I’ve heard you use the phrase “it’s the right thing to do” in the State of the Union Address. I’m not sure that you and I agree on what the right thing is, unfortunately. Is the right thing to do prosecuting, with even greater vigor, whistleblowers in the government, or firing people who have a different point of view?

Does doing the right thing include using drones against faraway people, especially those whom the government has not used evidence to prove they are a threat to the citizenry, not going after the fraud on Wall Street, despite the tremendous wave of economic damage they have wrought upon not only our country but the world, or advocating the rights of corporations through things like the SOPA act, or dangerously extending the government’s powers via the Patriot act, up to and including bill S. 1867 which would allow for indefinite imprisonment, even of US citizens, accused of terrorism, and that they be tried via the military instead of the civilian court system?

Is the right thing to do to employ many of the architects of our current crises with the direction of fixing it? To allow the people to get away with crimes both fiscal and moral?

That, of course, is just a sampling of things that I am aware of and when I hear you talk about the right thing to do, I can’t help but question what it is that you know about the right thing versus what I know about the right thing to do. I accept that you are privy to information that I am not but I would be willing to bet that in most of those cases, the information you know doesn’t change a thing.

Naturally, I don’t blame all of this on you. You have to make choices and they can’t all be good ones. The health care debacle that came last year, the manufactured debt ceiling crisis; these events do not settle on your shoulders alone.

But you’re the person I talk to, because you’re the person who needs to speak up.

Which leads us to what I think is the next problem.

America suffers from a lack of vision. As the President of the US, I expect you to articulate a vision for us, to raise the bar and tell us what the great thing is that we, as a country, should be striding for.

But you do not articulate that vision. You articulate standards or, sadly, you articulate nonsense. The best example of the former I can think of is in the last State of the Union, you told us that our goal should be to cut fossil fuel dependency by 80%.

No. That is not our goal. Our goal is to cut fossil fuel dependency for personal vehicles 100% by 2030. No exceptions. That’s a goal. Anything else is a standard, is something that can have exceptions made to it.

Of the latter, the phrase ‘win the future’ comes to mind. This is a tragic use of language for anyone who is paying attention. No one can win something that doesn’t exist, Mr. President, and the future, by its very nature, is always out of reach.

My problem with that language is simple: Americans don’t like things that are unwinnable, (see our dispassion for soccer, a game that willfully accepts ties) and despise things that allow us to get away with less than our best (see the public’s current contempt for Congress.)

We want to be challenged, Mr. President. More than anything else, I think this is what is lacking: great things are not asked of us, expectations are no longer high, and when someone maliciously screws up, they are no longer punished. I don’t mean punishment for failure (although I think consequences still should exist,) I mean punishment for wrongdoing. It may have always been true that people with wealth and power could get away with more but at least in America, for a time, there was an effort to ensure that everyone was equal under the law.

This includes those who hate us. Which is why, yes, it IS hard to bring terrorists to trial in order to bring them to justice but it is something that we, as a country, need to do. It is painstaking to ensure economic equality, to prosecute for difficult crimes and yet by not doing these things, you and those like you in the Beltway, are essentially saying: We don’t think America can handle the difficult choices or make the needed sacrifices.
But we can, so long as it is fair and just.

We need to do the difficult thing, Mr. President. We need to be challenged to be our best and we, as a people, need you to articulate that goal for us, so we have something to reach for. Something concrete and accomplishable, something that does not allow for failure, something that is bolder and defies the wasteful paths of the last three decades.

And we need you to set that bar and then let us meet it. I am, as a citizen, expecting great things from you, because those expectations need to be met and I voted for you in part because of the merits you brought to the table, suggesting that you would be able to the task. Ask of us. Ask great things of us, but ask them of all of us or do not bother, Mr. President.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you, your family and friends, sir.

Sincerely,

Crazy from self inflicted injuries

Hurt myself on Monday-something weird on my ribcage. Probably going to have to see a doc about it and that is not something that I ever look forward to. Especially with a long drive coming up, and moving after that.

A friend of mine who doesn't talk to me anymore has returned to the continent. I still see the circles of the universe she travels in from time to time and...it saddens me that we don't talk. But I wish her safe journeys and excellent beers.

In other news, this collaborative track of Lou Reed and Metallica is not very well done. The music isn't bad-though it's not great either-but they vocals are horribly matched to the music.

And in case you can't get enough bummer in your day, here's David Simon talking about how things are going downhill...in 2007.

All in all, it's a glum Friday.

New hypothesis

Men want a new sex partner at about the same rate that women want a new puppy/kitty/baby, and for about as long.

All things must pass

And so it will be that my sister's beloved cat, The Reverend Horton Heat will soon be put down, likely in the next few days. He's been in the family for over fifteen years and seen a lot of road, climbed a few trees, beaten off his fair share of idiot dogs and meowed his way into the house more times than I can remember.

He's old and he's very sick and it's the right thing to do. He's not himself; I got to catsit for him a month ago and while there was a little bit of old cat grumpiness in him, he mostly wanted to be left alone, or to be pet. The playing with rubber bands or strut to go outside, these were gone and he was weak and a bit frail, now. He warmed up to me near the end of the second day, sat on my lap and even slept nearby and I am grateful to have gotten the opportunity to care for him.

He's a good cat though; one of the best. Didn't take any shit and was perfectly content to walk away, unless you bugged him, then you got the bite you deserved.

Most of all, he reminded my sister that she was loved during times in her life when she didn't feel very loved and perhaps her brother was not doing his best to let her know this. She needed him and he never failed her. Not much more you can say about a good pet, is there?

He was lucky to have someone as awesome as my sister and she was fortunate-as was my family-to have him around. I'll miss him when he's gone.

I only can ask that the Universe do as it does with all good souls; guide them gently to the next place.

Godspeed, Rev.

Unnecessary Validation

With the glory of Google+ coming up all the events that haunt me about previous social networking sites come up.

There's being made invisible, there's finding myself in splintered communities-one too silly and insular, the other too small, serious and insular and neither of them having people I connect to anymore.

I just don't have anything to say to those active and they seem to feel the same way about me. That's a theme in a couple places.

There's also just a general annoyance with the circular nature of people. I can all too frequently predict what conversation I'm going into or what will be said in response to a topic and that has become dreary. Again and again it's the same; 'Approve of my feelings/thoughts/whatever'. It does not teach me anything-and it's hard work to actually pay attention to repetition.

Yeah, yeah; it's not them, it's me. Still, it's grinding sometimes and I don't have places to bitch about it...so here I am going for my own unnecessary validation. The irony is not lost on me.

Gear up for it

I have to get a cover letter written and a resume sent for a job. I can do this.

I can.

grrrrr

Immediacy

I'm having trouble living in the now. Part of this just has to do with a general element of gloom that has settled on me for a few days.

But part of it is about the future. I have about $120 bucks left-after all the other bills are paid, to enjoy the month with. Assuming, of course, that everything else comes in at or if I'm fortunate, under, budget.

Last night at the OBC meeting, there was a call to go get a beer at the Green Dragon. I said I couldn't afford it and someone said, 'Hey, I'll catch you this time and you can get me next.' And I still had to say no, because there isn't going to be a 'next time' where I could afford to do such a thing.

Which is goddamn depressing. Everything I do has to take the next 30 days in mind. I am already meeting someone for a drink tonight, in order to get some writing going for the beer blog and the girlfriend and I are having pizza Saturday.

So...there goes $25-ish.

Everything I do has to be about the future. Nothing can be about the now because I don't have resources to fall back on, should the future throw curveballs. So I can't be happy about the future-it's just a gigantic space of 'what ifs'-and I can't be pleased to exist in the now because the now is presenting me with opportunities I cannot take advantage of.

Scheduling

So, PAX is sold out of tickets. I will, once again, hardly know anyone. Kind of a drag, that.

/I just look forward to playing Magic a bunch and it hardly ever works out

Also, because my Dad wants to come up and see the family, I am attending the wedding for a cousin I haven't met-or at the least, haven't seen in nearly twenty five years.

However, as a result of going to this fucking event where I will see people I don't care about, I will miss an event I care very much for: Bailey's 4th anniversary party. That Fuz will attend.

In summation; August, you'd better be good.

Dead Space 2 wrapup

Finished Dead Space 2 last night. I played the game on hard (survivalist in the game language) and it's the first time I've done that in a long time. I'd read the game was a bit too easy on normal though and since I'd bought the game I had no reason to go through it hurriedly so I played on hard.

I'm not sure I'm going to play through on hard again. Even with the FAQ guidance (which I was using to make sure I didn't miss any Gold Nodes-the critical components for upgrading your weapons and armor) that game would fucking stress me out.

So I found myself in a hurry to finish the game because I was looking forward to the anxiety being over. If I play it again, it'll be at an easier difficulty level but I may take a crack at other games on hard, because accomplishment is a reward that's nice to have. But the frustration level was, occasionally, a little too high.

That said, reflecting upon the experience; it was only frustrating when I went in without a strategy-or when the strategy would just barely miss. Everything had to be very, very precise at certain points and I tend to be a little sloppy when I play videogames.

It brings me to two points though: First, the end boss.

I felt as though I had very few metrics for whether or not I was actually doing damage and no metric for how effective the damage I was doing was. I realize that health bars are gauche now but I needed something to tell me how effective I was being aside from gruesome death scenes.

Second; at one point in the game you come across a regenerating baddie who chases you through rooms. It ceases to chase you after you...take an elevator.

Really? You couldn't have some kind of system or laser defense or something? This thing survives being sawed into tiny pieces and crawls through ductwork like a snake but the harsh environs of an elevator defeat it?

Aside from that, I rather enjoyed most of it, though it plays more like a bloody horror game than a creepy event that really sucks. Granted, for 15 hours that's a lot of atmosphere to try and keep up on. The occasional splatter is advised-and probably necessary if you want to put giant monsters in the game. When Dead Space 2 is creepy, it's seriously creepy-that those moments are few and far between is alright.

What I really needed was some proper audio. The mindfuck moments have a character-a fairly crucial one-not always properly audible and that's pretty relevant to sustaining the kind of dread that the game wants to put in.

On groups

There was a moment last night when I stood there and realized I didn't have anyone to talk to and didn't feel like I could go up to anyone and talk to them. All I could think at that point was: I'm doing everything right, aren't I? Getting involved, being around people, helping?

Instead I just felt really lonely. Sometimes I think this is one of the primary motives behind coupling up; so you don't have to stand alone at gatherings looking awkward and feeling worse.

I also remembered that I'm 39 and some things still haven't gone away, and that's depressing too.

End of the year goodness

Genesis Device-Cloudkicker.
I listened to a lot of Cloudkicker this year. All the awesome of aggro metal without the frequently irritating vocalists. Lots of people hailed Beacons as a great record and it's certainly a solid effort but I stumbled onto Cloudkicker this year so the entire catalog is open to me.

Power-Kanye West.
I am as big a sucker for a killer single as anyone else and this one is huge. I haven't even listened to the whole album yet; this song is still killer.


Snakes for the Divine-High On Fire.
This song was described as their 'Thunderstruck' and I'm hard pressed to disagree. The album felt little uneven for me but this is probably one of the best opening tracks to a metal record that you could ask for.

Blind in One Eye-Coliseum.
"Ain't no key left in this hand...ain't no hope left in this room,"
There are some lines that just resonate and that's one for me. I don't think this song is about devastation, I think it's about discovering there are things you hide from yourself that you can't hide from others.

Little Monkey-Armored Saint.
I suppose it says something when a band that, twenty years ago, would've been considered heavy metal (and still is by those who've listened to it for long enough) is now using Van Halen-esque harmonies in their choruses. That's not to suggest that Armored Saint is suddenly just a rock band or that the guitars are up with Van Halen's. But they made a damn solid hard rock album that I think I would've loved at 17 and still somehow really like at 38.

He Films The Clouds Pt 2-Maybeshewill.
So I recommend Cloudkicker to a friend, sending the myspace link to Cloudkicker so he can get an idea of what they sound like and he comes back with; Did you hear this band? They're apparently 'friended' on MS.
The moral of the story; sometimes the internet works.

God's Gonna Cut You Down-Johnny Cash.
I heard way too many clips of this song being used to sell me shit, mostly because it's got one of the most amazing riffs ever. But the music has nothing to do with a product someone wants me to buy into. The long and short of it is, this is one of my favorite songs by the Man in Black. Guitar gods everywhere wish they'd come up with this, tuned it down and slogged through this one. In honor of the awesome of this song and to keep it from being a corporate whore I had to include it.

I Gave You All-Mumford and Sons.
This one is about defeat. Sometimes, it's like that.

Love Like A Sunset Part 1 and 2-Phoenix.
I generally don't include two songs by the same group back to back but in this case an exception had to be made. Phoenix does some really nice pop music however Love Like A Sunset is why they're interesting. The first part is this Tangerine Dream influenced soundscape that gently segues into a catchy riff that becomes the second song, which dreamily ends, all the crescendo happening previously. I don't know if Phoenix will be a great band but certainly taking risks like that make them more interesting than 90% of other bands working the genre.

That Dress Looks Nice On You/Make You Feel That Way-Sufjan Stevens/Tor.
It's a sign of the times, I suppose, that one of the songs I listened to a lot this year is a mashup. Speaking of...

Triple Double-Girl Talk.
Girl Talk has managed to produce three records in a row of solid to awesome quality and all of them are pretty much meant to be the soundtrack to your crazy party. I'm not sure you can dance to it for very long because the energy level is nearly inhuman. This music may have the motor of a five year old and the mentality of a 24 year old but that's probably what makes it work.

Tell Them-Sleigh Bells.
Which brings me to this bombast. It's too aggressive, too loud to be pop music but it's not heavy enough or dense enough to be rock, really. Like dance music that's been hit with the mutant gene or something.

The Water Glass-Melvins.
The Melvins have devolved a bit for me; I'm not sure that I like entire albums they do, anymore. However, when you've been playing as long as they have, doing pretty much whatever they like with as consistent a quality, I'm fairly certain they don't need to please me. All that said; this was a really solid opening to their latest and is just the kind of transition song a list like this needs.

Absolute Dissent-Killing Joke.
The latest album from KJ just can't hold up to Hosannas From The Basement of Hell because, frankly, Hosannas is the kind of record you get to make once in a lifetime. They couldn't do anything else but this album; a solid one that touches on their past, continues with their vision and mines the strengths of Hosannas.
But a solid album from Killing Joke is still going to be better than a great album from many other bands.

I Hold Grudges-Goes Cube
This was a band I found out about in '09 but didn't pay attention to until '10. Somewhere in between the punk-metal-rock cloud bands like Goes Cube mine a whole bunch of ignored territory. Ignored because people tend to get stuck on things like genre purity. Fuck 'em.


The Theatre Goer-Daughters.
Daughters' self-titled album was probably the record I ignored almost to the point of criminality. Sad, because every time I listened to it the record just got better and better. Weird and yet really catchy with a vocalist that doesn't always make it easy, the whole album is full of moments of standout riffs that draw me in. I'll probably listen to it more in '11, likely on the strength of songs like The Theatre Goer.


Widower-The Dillinger Escape Plan.
DEP is always very hard for me to ignore but very difficult for me to love.They're undeniably talented on pretty much every level; even the lyrics, as hard as they might be to understand until you read them (and then suddenly they crystalize like a giant snowflake) are just awesome. But damn if they don't work the jazz-metal thing to the absolute limits of my tolerance.

In Your Words-Lamb of God.
This was the year I got into Lamb of God. Granted, I think last year was also the year where they elevated their game with Wrath-but of course I didn't hear it until the album showed up on all these end of year best lists. I'd given them a shot before and even seen them open for Slipknot but just couldn't get into the music, even though I could definitely see the appeal because they put on a good show. Fortunately for me, not only was Wrath good but so is Sacrament, a track from which makes an appearance a little later on.

Apocalyptic Havoc-Goatwhore.
Once upon a time, it was really easy for me to say that I didn't like black metal. The vocals were unintelligible and the music wasn't made to be liked, or so it seemed. But damn if this isn't one of the best opening riffs ever. So I converted, at least for this album-which was also released in '09 but appeared on a bunch of 'best of' lists.

Virus-Black Breath.
Maybe you saw them, these great punk bands playing in some shitty bar in your hometown; fast and gritty and loud, and you really hoped they'd make it because man, they just blew everybody else off the stage.
Well, at least one of those bands made it.

Underneath the Waves-Strapping Young Lad.
It's really, really, really rare for me to include a song I've heard in years past. Lamb of God or Cloudkicker have discographies that extend past this year but I just got into them so they're new to me. SYL's stuff I've been into for years-before the band broke up, even.
However, the glories of random shuffling on iTunes brought this song to my attention again at a time when I really needed to hear it. It's super aggressive sonically but lyrically the theme of "I am tired of the boring bullshit that leads to nothing" just worked for me.

the sun, the earth-Constants
I love it when albums surprise me with a hook somewhere that isn't the first or last song. Granted, this is the second song on the album but still; anything to help shake me out of the flow of a record and pay attention is usually good.


Core Relations-Intronaut.
A concept album based around LA. Neat! I suppose this is filed under stoner rock but I don't see that so much. Influenced by, sure but this is like a slightly more catchy Isis to my ears.

You've Seen the Butcher-Deftones.
The Deftones have had a hell of a few years, with the Saturday Night Wrist album proving they can still bring the noise, then having their bassist go into a coma while writing a brand new album, shelving that record to make a new one because touring on the comatose bassist's work felt wrong and going full out to make a new record.

And the new record is stellar. How about that?

Dethroned-Jesu.
At this point, I feel like I practically have to have an Jesu song on my end of year lists. Hell, even as it stands Justin Broadrick is all over this list, having produced the Constants album and doing a remix of a Pelican song that made it on, down the line.

Blacken the Cursed Sun-Lamb of God.
I wish I'd seen LoG when they had written this song. It's probably 100% crowd pleaser.

Scum Will Rise-Nails.
Nails probably released the angriest album of the year. I think this song is maybe a minute thirty seconds but it flays.

The Dream is Dead-Type O Negative.
Peter Steele died this year and when that happened I took it upon myself to investigate the Type O history a bit more than I had. I've always liked TON but albums never seemed to settle on me. There were great songs, which I'd tape (very old school I know) and then usually sell the CD off because the album just didn't work for me. But Life is Killing Me and Dead Again were the two albums I poked around on and looking at it, it's more likely that I was just not ready to really love Type O Negative. A rare metal band with a sense of humor, they will be missed.

Plus, there's something about a man howling, "The dream is dead." If you've been there, you know.

Renew-Rosetta.
More shoegaze metal. Rosetta didn't produce an immediately catchy record but as with Daughters, it was one that went frequently unlistened by me and I aim to make that up in the next few months because every time I hear it I like it.

Final Exit-Fear Factory.
Probably the best closing song to a FF album, ever. The album itself was solid and very much a return to the form of Demanufacture or Obsolete but this was the song that suggested to me that the band that stretched what sounds metal bands could incorporate on those older records was still alive. I don't know if Fear Factory has another album in them but if this is their revisit to Demanufacture and the next one is the Obsolete revisit, then that will be damned impressive.

This was also the song that, when I started building this list, was going to be the one I wanted as a closer. As the list got built, it became more apparent that this song was instead going to be the beginning of the end but that works too.

Angel Tears-Pelican, remixed by Justin Broadrick.
Took me some time to acquire this song; iTunes wouldn't let me buy just this one, it insisted I get the entire 3 song single which includes the original version-which I already have. On CD.

But man, is it a brilliant rework of the original. Fifteen minutes and I wasn't bored.

Out Again-Torche.
Torche probably made the most pop friendly heavy album of the year and undoubtedly one of my favorite videos for the year. I wish this album had gotten more attention because man it's good. The band works that last riff into the ground for probably three minutes but I don't care; it's catchy and fading it off is the exact right move. As good as Final Exit was, this song had to be the penultimate one. It says goodbye in a sad but not cheerless manner and I think I'd like to remember my year that way. I won some, I lost some but it wasn't all bad.

God Be With Ye-Cloudkicker.
It's just a nice finisher; the kind that allows me to start the list up all over again.

Dear President Obama

Basic tax information is available to anyone with an internet connection, readable by anyone with sense organs and understandable by anyone with half a lick of common sense.

QUIT FUCKING ABOUT AND COMPROMISING ON EVERY GODDAMNED THING.

Jesus. I voted for someone to lead the country, not play the violin while the city burns.

So I saw Inception

Pretty strong film.
The drawbacks; the soundtrack was too loud and overwhelmed dialog multiple times. This is bad.

I wanted about 15 more minutes in that movie to offer me some characterization for the players beyond the main one. Almost nobody smiles in this film and while the Inception gets a lot right, it doesn't really capture the whimsy that dreams often bring. Even a few moments of whimsy-two-would have been enough, something to give the characters a little bit more than gravity to work with, to show that they are connected to one another.

That I wouldn't mind another 15 minutes in a movie that's two point five hours long already is a really good sign.

The good; the acting is solid and the directing is very good. The finale is one of those things that only movies can do and it's always amazing to see someone take advantage of the artistic medium that way. Worth seeing in the theater for that alone.

I haz a gloom

Oh boy

Everyone else is in a meeting. Should I be in that meeting? I don't think so...it's not on my calendar...but everyone else is there... rargh brain won't stop worrying!

Feels like it's been a downer week. Going to visit friends, Mom, and PAX. This should turn everything around.

It doesn't matter why

They don't want to talk to you.

eh, I guess

I mean, they resurrected the consu and yay for everyone. I care but I don't. Just like the old community; I care and I don't anymore.

I care because it's my nature. I don't because I just want to get away from the silly shit that was there. I'm a little adrift and so...so there it is.

A few days and I'm sure I'll be fine. Walking is still good for the soul.

Time for your dose of awesome

With sympathy

So, Paul Gray died of an accidental OD. He was the bassist for the heavy metal band Slipknot, and pretty close to my age.

What's disheartening for me is the comments to the story-as always. Addiction, by most medical accounts, is classified as a disease and the idea that he just should've been a better person is kinda insane.

And is probably why we have a process of imprisonment instead of treatment when it comes to drugs.

The new guy

I recently got Left 4 Dead 2. 8 plus months (or so) after the game was released I was able to afford it and because I loved the original I was looking forward to playing the game. I could even afford the occasional DLC now!

L4D is noteworthy for me because it's the first game I played online and remains so for the time being. Because the mechanics of the game insist that you help each other out, leaving someone behind isn't quite forbidden but nobody wants to do it. Of course, I've had the experience of telling or being told; "No! Go without me I'm done for!" but for the most part when someone gets in trouble, you go back and help, right?

There is a 'but' of course.

I'm the new guy. I don't know the maps, I don't know how the new Infected work, or the new health devices. Yes, I read the instructions but it's a game; you have to play it to understand.

Which is why it has been so discouraging to be the newbie.

I'm about average at gaming and I try to keep a casual attitude about it. But no matter what; I still have to learn how things work. In Dead Center, I didn't know that the goal was to fill the car with gas-I didn't hear the characters tell me what the goal was. The people I was playing with didn't tell me, often ran ahead without me and one person even asked why I kept getting lost and knocked down.

"I'm new and I don't know the maps," I said, trying to sound cheerful but I couldn't escape the feeling that the other players were done with me. A few minutes later, they left, we failed the mission and I started over with bots.

Sigh. I kept at it and eventually people joined up, including another new player, and we got through the mission.

Last night I attempted to get through Dark Carnival. I found a room, waited, and when the party leader asked, "Are we ready to go?" I replied, "You bet!" and he said, "Not you," and kicked me from the game.

I didn't even know the guy and yeah, I shouldn't take it personally but it's hard not to. I'm new, I want to learn how to play and play better, I want to explore a bit and see what cool routes or jokes or things might be hidden in the game. I don't know many people who play online so I'm out there, trying to make new friends, in the casual sense of the word. And people don't want to show the the ropes/have fun with me, so it's hard.

Because I'm late. I'm the new kid at school and nobody wants to tell me where the lunchroom is.

Everybody is new sometimes and if you want people to keep playing the game you love, you have to welcome the newbies. I know not everyone is going to mesh and become best chums or anything as silly as that, but is it really such a pain in the ass to help a new player who isn't being a dick through one mission?

If it is, then play on a private channel so we don't muck up your good time. Everyone will be happier.

It doesn't matter how much you love me

a little is alright...-You Better, You Bet-The Who

On my way home last night it struck me how little love we seem to need. People can get by on tiny amounts, sustaining themselves over months or years, so long as they get some. This is especially true if all other things in a relationship are 'normal'. That is to say; someone isn't being abused or hurt.

The good part of this is that it helps friendships last. Once a foundation has been built, maintenance is fairly easy. Which is good because we can't spend all our energy on building friendships or relationships.

Of course, one has to remember to show some love, every so often. I don't think this is an excuse to be stingy.

The flip side is, of course, that we can become camels on the desert, waiting for the next oasis of love, no matter how small that oasis is, or how little love we get from the spring. This starvation...has got to be unhealthy, right?

Just because we can survive on dollops doesn't mean we should.

Hm

I had a dream where it was suggested to me by a pixie redhead that I should be thankful to and for the people in my life. So thank you.

But I don't want to post this kind of thing on Facebook. It's getting too...skeezy for me. Not enough privacy valued.

Still, I hope that by putting this out there, it will be felt and/or read by those who need to know.

On wastefulness

So I saw the end of Tosh.0 tonight and it had a clip of Tosh getting a new iPad.

And then teeing it up and swinging at it with a golf club.

That iPad could've been sold to charity. It could've been the centerpiece in a skit mocking people's need for crazy shit. It could've been used to mock Apple + fanboys.

Instead it was destroyed in less than five seconds.

In a world where so many of us are getting fucked over, the wanton destruction of 'cool things' for the sake of a joke that has 1) been done before-and often, 2) was not that funny, beyond the idea of swinging a golf club at anything can be amusing and 3) doesn't actually say anything...

Well, it feels like someone is just wasting my time and their talent, just to blow shit up. And I can watch artistic explosions and feel a hell of a lot better about the universe.

Thought Experiment

Pretty good post, brought to my attention by Fuz.

There are nights

I have come to realize that it doesn't matter how old you get there are days, or nights, or long stretches of minutes where despite the success you may have had, there are times when all the small failures add up and haunt you.

New dance class

It's been 100x more difficult than previous classes. I don't know why. I have guesses; new teacher, different style of learning, poor song selection.

But it's frustrating. It's like I'm choking, except it's not because I don't know what I'm doing-it's because the new stuff is rebelling against what I learned.

I'm fighting gloom these days. Just hit me all of a sudden. I think it's 1.5 gloom - .5 me, so far. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Have finshed videogames. Will talk about them soon.

Choking vs Panicking

A really interesting article I wanted to share that I found via Lifehacker.

Things I'm learning

Denny's takes orders over the phone.

How to make a budget.

How to install printer drivers. How to extend patience with people who are not technologically savvy.

How to muck around servers. Not quite as fond of that one.

Time management. Sorta.

That I can be made invisible by someone. A new kind of irony from the days when I was small and wished I could be invisible.

That I can resist my completist tendencies...but not very well.I just do it because of the poverty.

When I finish a story, nobody is under any obligation to say anything.

Why are you there?

I can suddenly see you in the friends online. You've excised me out of every. other. part. of your life.

But there you are. The great taunt of my heart.

I get it. The system has changed. You don't know you're supposed to exile me. You are exposed and I now just have to accept it.

Yay.

I imagine this doesn't happen often

but I have gotten something I needed and yet feel worse than I ever did.

I'm still trying to work out why but a big chunk of it is: from a monetary perspective, it's a step backwards. From an employment perspective, it isn't fulfilling. I have no sense of how this job is going to help me a) make more money b) be a more diverse/useful employee or c) be a better person. It's just a job, and all of the other problems are still unsolved.

I'm still poor. I'm still directionless. I still have all the trappings of being stuck. I didn't want this job and I don't feel like I earned it at all. I just acquired it, like getting the monkey's paw.

It's not a good sign when you get a boon and wish you were dead. It just ain't. Now what it's a bad sign OF is an entirely different matter. All this crap in my head that isn't resolved, that's the problem.

Ah. I get it. This job isn't a solution to anything that troubles me.

On the other hand

My former dentist's office called me yesterday, asking if I wanted to schedule an appointment since it had been so long. I explained that I was unemployed and thus could not afford an appointment. The caller identified quickly that this was because I no longer had insurance, which is true.

She then told me about a one-time thing they were doing; offering free exams and 50% off X-ray+cleaning services.

Which is damn kind of them. I still can't afford it, mind, but it's a really nice thing to do.

Things stacking up

I was taking my shirt off before getting into the shower and my glasses fell off.

Seems like a pretty mundane problem, right?

Except I can't see without my glasses. My vision is truly awful. I would probably be declared legally blind.

So now I'm afraid, because I need my glasses and I can't afford to fix them if they break. I already can't wear my contacts because I can't pay to a) get my eyes checked or b) get more contacts to replace my diminishing supply.

Which is frightening. If I break my glasses and have to do some kind of home repair on them, how does that look when I go in for a job interview? Now I've got the chicken/egg dilemma; I need a job to fix my glasses, I can't get a job because my glasses are broken and I look unprofessional.

All of this is thought of in half a second and it's allowed to grow and fester in my brain because I can't find my glasses now. I really don't know what to do, because holy crap, I can't see!

So very very slowly I move, gently maneuvering my feet to a position where I can crouch down and feel the carpet with my hands.

I found the glasses without too much difficulty there, but what if, man?

2009 Song List

Reposted from Facebook, but also given the director's cut and enhancements.

1) When You Were Shouting At The Devil... We Were In League With Satan-Zimmers Hole
I said this was going to be one of my favorites, and it is. It's also one of those classic 'opening album' songs. Think 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' but for metal. It's one of those rare songs where; if you like metal, you like this, but even if you don't like metal, this song is fun.
2) Hold the Heathen Hammer High-Týr
One day I decided to look up viking and pirate metal. Tyr was the band I found that did Viking metal. Now I think these 'genres' have descended from Manowar but Tyr takes the style seriously (I think) but don't give me the exclusionary vibe that Manowar does. That is to say; you don't love metal, you can still love Tyr.
3) Erasure-Century
I discovered Century this year and they made a fantastic record with Black Ocean. This isn't the song that grabbed me initially, but it's got a great riff in there. What's weird is the riff takes place in the soprano range, it's not heavy, it's more a tweet that offsets the rest.
4) Ghost Key - Isis
It's hard to pull one song off an Isis album because they do records more than songs but Ghost Key is as good as any song on there, and I wanted to pick one.
5) Cinema- Poison The Well
PTW is the hardcore version of the Deftones in that they do and should appeal to a broader audience but for some reason those crossover songs just haven't been highlighted. They made a comeback record with The Tropic Rot and I hope it pays off for them.
6) Lions- Doomriders
"You've got the heart of a lion!"-this was a phrase I needed to hear more this year.
7) Smith & 9th-Reggie and the Full Effect
"It's a major complication"-yeah. I actually got into RatFE because of a song I heard on Burnout 3 (videogame) and this album is apparently the 'metal' one. I'll have to check out some previous stuff because they seem to have a really broad range and I like what they do as a band. Sometimes really loud, sometimes really likable, they are one of those bands that may never do anything groundbreaking but I feel I'll like what they do.
8) Long Dark Twenties (Kids In The Hall)- Nadja
This is a cover song. I rarely include cover songs but Nadja made a really great record of cover songs. One of the few cover albums that actually pays homage to the originals instead of just mimicking them and there's a fantastic breadth to the song selections. Not unlike hearing Tori Amos cover Raining Blood, no do Nadja take songs that you wouldn't expect and twist them.
9) One More Day- Mushroomhead
"One more day to regret"-Felt like that a little too often this year. I'm not a huge Mushroomhead fan but I feel like they were unfairly maligned. That is to say; they're better than I thought.
10) Set Guitars to Kill-And So I Watch You From Afar
ASIWYFA is like Pelican, only instead of being a heavy metal band is a rock band. Really good instrumental stuff and they construct songs in such a way that they bring the good stuff in at the beginning but the awesome stuff at the end so even when the songs are nine minutes long, they're still worth listening to.
11) Flying Whales- Gojira
Sometimes, it's all about the riff. This one starts off slow but almost three minutes into the song this Melvins-level riff kicks up and the whole song just blooms.
12) Milk Lizard- The Dillinger Escape Plan
It's strange to think of a catchy DEP song but there it is.
13) Dimestore Diamond-The Gossip
The opening song to a great album by the Gossip.
14) Raindrops -Basement Jaxx
Basement Jaxx is a band most people wouldn't think I'd dig on but they're just awesome. The do at least one song per album that I can dance to and this song is the one I can dance to.
15) Sirens-Dizzee Rascal
My friend Ally introduced me to this song, posting the video. It's a great piece of work; catchy, solid lyrics, good all 'round.
16) What's A Girl To Do? -Bat For Lashes
This one was sent by my friend Wendy. I got into it because I saw the video first which is absolutely worth searching out.
17) Farewell- Jesu
I don't think I've made a list that hasn't included Jesu since I was introduced to them four years ago. There's something about Jesu's drone metal that really resonates with me.
18) I Hate It When That Happens To Me- John Prine
Dad sent me this song and it's a simple work by a practiced, excellent songwriter. Sad but with an enduring quality-it isn't broken, it's tough. However, it's a song that acknowledges unhappiness and sorrow and keeps going.
19) Let's Not Pretend (to Be New Men)- Crooked Fingers
The new Crooked Fingers, Forfeit/Fortune, is better and more interesting than one might think. Evokes some classic rock (Queen, Springsteen) but isn't afraid to take chances (having someone else sing a song of yours) and is a grower.
20) Dan's Song- Frank Turner
A great, likable song about spending the last day of summer with your friends. The short description shouldn't dissuade people checking Turner out; The Poetry of the Deed is a good album.
21) Wenches & Mead- Alestorm
The other song I found when I searched for viking and pirate metal. It's just fun, especially for people who don't dig on heavy metal.
22) Blackout- Amusement Parks On Fire
I've been looking for the second APOF album for over a year and a half. The album is good but I really like the line: "There's too much future to get out of the way".
23) The Funeral Procession- Propagandhi
Propagandhi made a really good punk rock album. I don't have much more to say because they've got quite the legacy but at the same time I want to impress that they're a solid, veteran band worth listening to.
24) The Gnashing- Baroness
I'm not as high on the Blue Album as everyone else seems to be. It's good but just doesn't grab me like the Red Album did. Maybe it needs more plays-but The Gnashing is good stuff.
25) Monolith- Century
THE song that grabbed me from Black Ocean. One of the most monstrous riffs I've ever heard, ever. I listened to this song once and knew it was end of the year material.
26) I Tamper With The Evidence At The Murder Site Of Odin- Dethklok
Not only the 2nd best song title of the year for me, I realized Detehklok is going to be the most influential metal band in my lifetime. They have a TV show that's both funny and fucked up. They have albums. They tour. Nobody else the reach they do in such a short time. They will influence millions.
27) The Awakening - Architect
As things got worse this year, I started listening to louder, nastier and less melodic music. Architect is definitely that and I'm a little surprised by my enjoyment of them but amongst the noise, Architech throw out something meaty to listen to.
28) Wild Ox Moan- Coalesce
It's a hardcore song alright, but with a country music beginning. Some people called Ox Coalesce's comeback album but I'd never heard them before. However, it was an inspired, raging effort that cannot be ignored.
29) Meddler- August Burns Red
A surprise for me. I didn't think they had much to offer, but they made a solid metal record. Or maybe metalcore. I don't know-the lines get blurred for me, but it's a good album.
30) Dark Horse- Converge Axe To Fall
There are almost always at least two great songs per Converge record; the first and the last ones. This is the first.
31) The Riverbed- Gallows
The Gallows are mired in political punk, I think. They want to rail against the injustices they see in British society and yet this album shows a great maturity over the first one on all levels of songwriting. It's nice to see a band progress like this, from something promising but not good to good, if not excellent and maybe even brilliant someday.
32) Deflated- Jesu
The best song from the other Jesu EP. They're Jesu and I'll admit; I'm weak to them.
33) Almost Lost- Kylesa
A dirty, rockin' song. The iTunes insists that they are 'doom metal' but that's bullshit. They're just straight up, in your face, dirty rock coming from the garages and filtered through 30 years of punk, rock and metal.
34) Vanity- Strung Out
The other really good punk rock record made this year. Again, I don't want to downplay what they did, but while I liked the record I didn't get enough chances to really listen to it.
35) Lost In A Loop- Ghost Brigade
Ghost Brigade had one of those albums that didn't catch me right off but every time it came on, I paid attention.
36) Wounded Paw- Warship
I saw Warship open for a band and they impressed. They kind of walk the metal/punk line.
36) Final Breath- Pelican
A great closing song, Pelican's album was also a comeback album of sorts. They got a little too likable on City of Echos, so What We All Come To Need was a nice balance of being heavy and metal but ambient enough that the songs weren't annoying. At the same time, there was enough going on that I felt the band was engaged in the music.

It's time for a walk...

because the Fail, it overwhelms.

The Joys of Children

I 'got' to tell my nephew that I wouldn't get to see him at Thanksgiving. He was hoping to see me and play videogames.

He took it pretty well for a 3yo, and didn't ask a lot of questions about it. Which was nice, because explaining money to a child of that age without puppets and a musical number is beyond me.

It has been one of those long unhappy weeks.

So we start again.

Comedy rule

I saw the Hangover last night and I've come up with the Inappropriate Chicken rule of comedy.

If there is a chicken in the scene that shouldn't be in the scene, I am going to find that funny.

Here's what is messed up.

I need someone to give me a chance-that's the only way I'm going to become employed.

I am applying for jobs knowing I cannot get them. It's the only way I can apply for work. If I put hope into getting a job and don't hear anything that just feels worse.

It's like fail-fail.

Sigh

Writing the last check that I know will clear is not a good feeling.

I didn't know things were going to be this difficult and I don't like talking about it much. It's weirdly lonely, out there looking for a job, nobody else looking out for you.

I hope things change soon.

Ever have one of those days

where you just know things aren't going to go very well?

I'd hide out in the house if I thought that would help me avoid things.

/has a bad feeling about this...

Save the Words

Alerted to this by the wonderful Never Slap the Gift Donkey blog.

Just lovely.

Note to self:

Quaker's Baked Cheddar Snack Mix is hideous. Do not buy it again.

I'm eating it because I'm poor and hungry. This is the way of things, sometimes.

A brief aside to Patton Oswalt

From his Onion AV interview

Whereas the first album was, “This is shit that I hate,” now as I get older, it’s more about, “This is the stupid shit that I love, and here’s why.”

You'd still hate if you had to do shit that was stupid. You would not know the stupid shit that you love.

Just sayin'.
/also, not blaming you because my life is a portrait of Dorian Fail.

Fun Conversations with Dad #1

"Look, I love you and I don't care what it is you do. Even if you aren't making a lot of money, if you're happy that's what matters."

"Dad, I guess now's the time to tell you about my career in pornography."

"Whoa, wait a minute, I ain't' OK with that!"

"Oh, so now there are conditions."

"Hell yes. I have some serious moral objections to the way the people who make money off that stuff behave-and treat their employees."

"Don't worry; I won't be making any money, Dad."

"Ah. Well, then I guess it's OK."

/we started laughing about line 2

The new media

I was at this party a couple weeks ago and for a variety of reasons I overheard (but did not participate in) a conversation that was about the new media. That is; how Facebook is annoying but not nearly as meaningless as Twitter and Livejournal is really where you want to be if you want to read something meaningful.

I'm paraphrasing but I figure you get the idea.

And to me, what this conversation represents is a failure to understand how social websites work now. You define your experience, right? Facebook, Twitter, these sites offer you control over what you see and don't see (Facebook more than Twitter, as far as I can tell). Livejournal does this too-and it also has the extra step of allowing its users to create specific lists so you can post things that some people will see and others won't. I think Facebook does this as well but I'm not sure it's as extensive.

That said; sites like Twitter and Facebook could go a long way towards making those user experiences easier to manage. This is especially true in the case of Facebook and it's privacy policies I think. By hiding it, you're engaging in a sneaky act and people don't like it.

The point is; if you don't want to see the twenty pirate updates every day, you don't have to. So complaining that people aren't using it in a way that you like just means that you've failed to take advantage of the tools that improve your own experience. And complaining that the content it provides isn't the content you think you ought to get means you've misunderstood what the service is.

Who Benefits?

I've been thinking about the opposition to healthcare by the Republicans, the drive they're making against their own people. And it hit me; I get why Big Pharma and the Insurance industries are opposed to this, but why anyone else? Why the Republican drive to fuck over their own citizens, when study after study says that businesses lose billions every year due to illness, or paying for care for the uninsured? They aren't presenting an alternative beyond 'hey everything is fine!' So what the hell is going on here?

Then I got it; Roosevelt.

If Obama is successful at bringing healthcare to this country, especially if he does it over the objections of Republicans then they will truly be the marginalized party, and damn near powerless for decades. Perhaps longer. And they're afraid of that (understandably). History was not kind to the Republicans in the late 1930's. But their fear is costing us lives, so fuck 'em.

I don't quite get this; I'm employed as a temp, but there isn't enough work.

Seriously, I'm less busy at this job than I was at my last job, and I have, unfortunately, far fewer diversions.

I have a feeling it's going to be awhile before I find employment that makes sense.

My dream could come true

My dream of being a porn star. Huzza!

While I'm on the subject, when I first moved to Portland I had a hypothesis that said that within one block of every adult business (strippers, porn, whatever) within one block there would be an asian food restaurant. I think as a theory it's been disproven, but the hypothesis is still very strong.

When I started temping in Clackamas, I wondered if the hypothesis would hold.

Pleased to say that so far, it does.

a place to archive

In yoga I’ve also learned flexibility — physical and mental. If a muscle seizes up, just wait, it will relax — keep stretching or flexing. If you feel a mental reflex to resist something, just sit with it, the reflex will pass. This is indeed why people sometimes counsel yoga to treat addictions. Wait before you act — or don’t act — as the case may be. You achieve much once you stop telling yourself you can’t do things.

from | http://tinyurl.com/lmk63h

Going to experiment w/ using this blog to post things I'd like to reference again, someday.

This about covers it

Her: "Are you excited at all about the job tomorrow?"
Me: "No."

I feel like a massive failure.

Resistance 2 (or, I wish I knew more people with PS3s)

Thankfully, while wading through the cesspool of boredom that was Lost Odyssey, I found a very cheap copy of Resistance 2.

Resistance 2 is in many ways your standard FPS; you play a sci-fi soldier, the aliens want to take over the earth, kill all of them. Sounds pretty familiar I'm sure. I'm going to hit the high points though.

First, the story stays apace of the subject matter. It's an action game, so the plot is just complex enough to propel you to the next junction, no further. This is fine, actually; look how well this idea worked in the latest Star Trek movie. There's no need to make things complicated; you good, aliens bad, go. However the story also remains true to itself. While there will inevitably be a Resistance 3, I can only hope that the events of this game are kept as cannon. By this I mean; Resistance 2 is not about how you StMFD, and there is now dancing in the streets. Do you save the day? Yes. Does it feel like you've just put off the inevitable? Yes.

What's also cool is that there is apparently a parallel story that is played as a co-op campaign. That just seems awesome and I can't wait to try it, I just wish I knew more people to play it with.

One of the critiques of the first Resistance game was that it didn't really shake up the FPS genre. I'd have to say that this is still true in the sequel. My response is simple: Who cares?

A good game, executed well is what I'm asking for. They deliver it. The missions were challenging, but not unfair. The parts I had to repeat I learned from and did better the next time. The crazy firefight sequences felt right (chaotic, hazardous, fun only because they weren't real) the creepy parts of the game made me edgy, and I was entertained. I had at least two "Ho-ly shit!" moments when I first saw what I was supposed to fight against, and very frequently felt just like I was in a well oiled action movie.

You don't have to reinvent the wheel if what you have rolls so smoothly.

Now that said, I have two issues. First, there were times when I was lost and didn't know where I was supposed to go next. It didn't happen often, but when it did happen the game lost a lot of momentum. There are even sequences where they put a tag on the screen that you're supposed to move towards, and I found this to be extremely helpful. At the same time what this demonstrates is some glitches in design. If I get lost in what is basically a shooter on rails, something is amiss.

Second, there were two moments in the game which depended on AI controlled characters to get to a certain point before the player could go any further, and the AI was being all daffy about it. This basically strands the player (or at least it stranded me) until I died. Fortunately, the checkpoint save system means that it's rare that a player will have to go too far in order to regain what she or he lost by dying. It wasn't the end of the world, but it was a mild pain in the butt.

Those minor complaints aside, I found Resistance 2 to be a hell of a lot of fun, and am looking forward to playing the co-op campaign. I hope there's some cool people to play it with.

I played Lost Odyssey so you don't have to

Honestly, I think I finished the game in part so I could write that headline.

I knew what I was in for when I got this game; an old-school JRPG, where the good guys line up on one side and the bad guys on another and you throw swords and spells called 'Windus' (that's the 3rd level wind spell!) at each other. Random encounters, raiding people's houses for loot, some levelgrinding tedium; basically everything I experienced in Final Fantasy 7 only prettier. I still hated it.

In a game that plays for 50 hours or longer (I put in over 60) having a complex, weaving story is something that one comes to expect. What happens next? becomes a relevant way to prod the player from "random city on the coast that we start from" to "fucked up mountaintop that we must fight a strange griffin upon" to "remote village where no one goes to the strange house on the hill" and so on, and so on.

Unfortunately, the story is straightforward and mindbendingly dull. Kaim, the hero, is part of a group of immortals who have been part of the world for a millennia. His memories are lost, he knows only that he is a soldier. After a cataclysmic battle he is set on a quest that leads him to uncovering his memories and this, naturally, leads to saving the world.

Now, what I've just told you is the spoiler free version of this game but here's the problem: even if I told you the spoilers I would be adding absolutely nothing to the synopsis I just wrote. There are no big reveals, no twists or turns that aren't telegraphed like a atomic bomb tested in the middle of San Francisco. The villain is cartoonishly comic, and if it weren't for the Presidency of Bush Jr. I would deny that anyone that obviously evil could ever gain that much power in such a blunt manner.

There are a ton of short stories in the game where Kaim gets back chunks of his lost memories but there are at least two problems with this. First those stores are told well outside of the main narrative. They don't inform the current storyline (with rare exceptions) and they don't enhance Kaim as a character; he's still a brooding, humorless dick. Second, the presentation for these stories are a complete break from the game; the player has to sit there and watch as words are very prettily shown on the screen with a hazy nature background as scenery. There's no GAME there. In a medium that is supposed to be interactive they've broken the primary rule; disassociating the audience from the game.

It's understandable that the basic gameplay mechanics might become dull over time. Sadly, they are boring right from the start. Your muscle attacks with swords. There is no strategy there, because attacking with swords is a lot faster and better than using any of your learned skills. Your wizards cast spells. The spells they cast should be ones that are in opposition to the elemental characteristic of the enemy. That is, you cast Water against Fire, Fire against Wind, Wind against Earth, Earth against Water. I think. Sixty damn hours in and I still had to look up which element was best vs another element.

In this case, I blame designers. There wasn't anything intuitive about selecting the elemental spells in the menu, so those subtle reminders that would've helped me map out what to do weren't there. Going to the manual in the middle of a game is an indicator of bad design.

Bad design also comes into play when moving from place to place. Getting to and using the map is difficult, as there are two map screens; one that tells you the names of places and one that just shows you the world. Sometimes I just want to check where I am in relationship to a city but I can't just do that, I have to actually go somewhere because just seeing where I am on a map doesn't tell me anything unless I know where I am in relationship to another place. So I have to go to another place, even if it's where I just came from and that involves a load screen and waiting and boredom.

What's a real drag is having certain characters predisposed to death. There are two who have understandably low health points-the characters are children-but they're vital to getting through the game! So the player has to sit there and resurrect them time and time again, in hopes they will survive to the end of the battle, because dead characters don't level up. One of the best things in the game that I did was engage in a short sequence that made me a ton of money. Buying resurrection potions suddenly wasn't a problem, and I bought a ton of them. More than I can ever remember having to buy for an RPG.

Gameplay gets tiring, moving around is a pain in the butt, and the story is boring. Is there an upside?

There is; the character Jansen Friedh. A friend described him as 'what would happen if you put Bruce Campbell in a game' and that's not too far off the mark. Funny, complaining, interested in getting laid, interested in not getting the crap beat out of him, Jansen is the most human and likable character in the game. Sure his character arc is utterly predictable but at least it's fun to watch. Nobody else gives the story any tension whatsoever--they spend sixty hours being exactly who they are when you meet them.

So I say avoid it.

Finally, I'd like to thank these Gamefaq writers: German Dragon, INVAL1D, and Split Infinity. They made searching through the cities and getting through the maps far easier than the game designers did, and I am eternally grateful to them for the work they did.

Transformers 3: Return of the Primes

Although I haven't seen TF2, I've read enough reviews containing the 'plot' to know what happens. I understand it's not a movie in the sense that there is a story that somehow connects you from point A to D, so I don't feel weird about what I'm going to do next.

I'm going to tell you what's up for Transformers 3: Return of the Primes (which I'm making up as a title).

Blah blah blah explosions/stupid jokes/explosions/tits until the end when
1) Optimus Prime dies.
2) Giving Sam the last piece of the Allspark.
3) Everything is all but lost (including a special moment when Ultra Magnus, in an attempt to rip out Megatron's heart says, 'Open, damnit, OPEN!')
4) When Sam takes in the Allspark, saying to Mikela: 'Sorry'
5) Mikela screams: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (It will be her only line in the movie)
6) Then to Stan Bush's The Touch, (the original, not that abominable re-creation) Sam turns into RODIMUS PRIME.
7) And proceeds to Save the Motherfuckin' Day. (Which is why the Transformers in Transformer heaven sent Sam back; and Optimus keeps going on about Sam's destiny and all that other bullshit. Sam is Neo, except he becomes a machine.)

That's why the Transformers films focused on the humans instead of, you know, the awesome giant robots blowing everything the fuck up. It'll be Bay laughing at all of us because suddenly those first two piece of shit movies will have subtext and be about something: Man's transformation from boy to godlike robot that StMFD. This of course is a metaphor for how we need to lose ourselves in technology or perish. So in addition to demonstrating that Bay knows how to arrange a narrative arc, fanboys all over will forgive him because of Rodimus, and The Touch. (They shouldn't, but they will.)

When this happens; I want credit.

Google vs Facebook

Interesting article on how these two corporations are trying to make things work in the internet age.

Feels weird to post to something like Facebook, though. As a bonus, I think I may've stumbled on a neat tool for a website though. Thanks Google!
/google whore.

Randomness

Bison Brewing's chocolate stout is not so thrilling.

The Peppermint Tribe ought to be the name of one of the villains in the book.

I heard Metallica's Unforgiven for the first time in many years, and when this line was sung:
"This bitter man he is"
I instantly re-imagined it as a Yoda phrase. The song has been vastly improved.

Dear Kettle Chips; why are your normal potato chips so much suck, while your crinkle cut chips awesome?

Sung to Andrew WK's It's Time To Party

It's time for BACON, yeah BACON
Get on out of bed and have some awesome bacon
Hey, you, it's BACON
Sizzlin' on the stove and smokin'

Don't even try to hide it
'Cause we're gonna need some BACON tonight
And you know I'm gonna fry it up right
We're gonna munch it all
when it's crispy and nice
BACON, BACON,
Gonna have some BACON tonight

Towels laid out
to absorb the grease
Just waitin' for my treat (It's time for BACON)
Tongs in my hand
To turn the meat
Almost time to eat (It's time for BACON)
Pan smoking hot
strips curling up
It's almost done (It's time for BACON)
Open your mouth, let's eat it up, with your teeth

YEAH! (x4)

It's time for...
It's time for...
It's time for... BACON BACON
GONNA HAVE SOME BACON TONIGHT

Once again

Don't. Perpetuate. Drama.

Especially when it's coming from fucktards on the internet who just want to start trouble.

Odds and ends

First: Resident Evil 5: It's good. Not stupid amazing good, but a solid game that is trying to do shake up the series by placing it in a hot sun-drenched environment. This works for the most part, but there weren't as many spooky parts, and the vehicle driving sections were generally boring. Sitting at the turret of a gun and blazing down enemies doesn't make for a very fearful experience.

That all said, I've gotten quite a bit out of the Mercenaries subgame. With two players who even know a little about what to do, I have felt like I was accomplishing a great deal. It's fun! I wouldn't like to see an entire game around that, but the value that Mercenaries gives to this helps make the game worthwhile.

Second: Left 4 Dead 2. I really wish they would do it as DLC. Or how about giving coupons to people who have bought L4D so the sequel isn't as expensive for us?

I don't know; I worry that this really awesome game I've been playing will suddenly have a much smaller userbase, and currently I can't afford a new game. Hopefully by November, this won't be an issue, but it's hard not to fret about the unemployment thing.

I got on Xbrick Live just to play L4D with people, and I'd hate to see that pleasant experience go away, especially after dropping $110 on it (game + Live membership).

And also: I'd like to see some extra content for the original. The lighthouse in The Last Stand is obviously some kind of end-chapter. Give me the 4 lead up chapters!

I realize that Valve needs to make money, and I've had a good time with their game, but there was an implication that there would be at least some new content coming for the original (although I may be making that up in my head) so this sequel feels a lot like a letdown.

Third: I've started making lists in the morning of daily tasks. So far it's helping, and I think it may be the first step on my way to getting a personal organizer. I think I'd like it to it via an iPod touch because that way I can just copy/paste things into a calendar, but for now writing things down is a start.

Fourth: Usual depressing looking for work thing. It just feels all fucked up.

Fifth: Star Trek is good. The new one hits all the right notes, doesn't invalidate any older Star Trek that people may've loved, and is all around fun to watch.

I guess that's all for now.

Healthcare costs

A really good article on the costs of healthcare in America.

As with so many things, it seems to come down to greed vs care.

Hm

While building my most recent Magic deck, I realized something.

I have run out of basic forests. I didn't think that was possible. And I'm not sure this is a good sign.

On Fatalism

Was called a fatalist last night by Jim, in our discussion about newspapers. This was after I'd called him one.

The perspectives divided thusly: He thinks that newspapers are on their way out, and that when they go, we lose something critical to our democracy because there's nothing to replace them. The internet (with bloggers being the definition there) and TV do not have the credibility nor the standards of accuracy that newspapers do. And once they go, they're gone and that resource cannot be replaced. Our democracy will be fucked once that happens.

So: we should save them.

Me: newspapers are going to die, at least as we know them. That cannot be prevented but the idea that nothing will replace those things is one that historically as been false. New things rise up to replace old things in every system you can talk about, and there's no way to prove that in this case, the new thing is going to be worse or somehow be unable to give us the truth we need to continue to function as a democracy.

I know the world is going to change, and not always for the better, but not always for the worse, either.

I had a troubled sleep last night, though.

Get a haircut and get a real job

I got my haircut yesterday. Probably the best $5 haircut I've gotten since the early 80's, but I think I would've ponied up 5 more to not have to listen to shitty, shitty pop music for forty minutes. There was one song with a really catchy riff, wasted in a song that was otherwise drivel. The Foo Fighters could've done something awesome with that riff. But this band wasn't even close.

Although the haircut looks ok, I spent today mostly depressed. Yeah, I made beer and I wrote some and it didn't all suck, but what I realized walking back from the comic store was this; I am admitting that I cannot get a job. I'm cleaning myself up, which will include shaving off the soul patch I've kept on my chin for at least six months, so I can go into a temp agency and ask for work.

I don't have a dream to follow, I don't have a path to look to. Going to the temp agency isn't so bad; hopefully they'll be able to place me. It's that I don't really know anything that makes me valuable, and I don't really love anything that people would want to pay me for. And that's...no fun.

More things not to do:

Lock yourself out of the house.

The cats will not let you back inside.

Step 1

Well, I finished the first, handwritten draft of a book I've been writing for 3 years. It's not the most triumphant thing ever, but it is an accomplishment in the process of making a complete thing. So I'll take it.

Huh

Got yelled at by an anarchist tonight for not knowing what anarchy is, apparently.

When I asked her what she wanted, and she included, 'democracy' and I said, you can't have democracy and anarchy at the same time, she yelled a me, about how I ought to read x,y,z.

But she didn't actually tell me what the difference was, when I asked. Or how I wasn't a liberterian because I thought regulated capitalism was a good thing.

I may be getting the details fuzzy; I was being yelled at. But it was nice to be yelled at by a left-winger, because it's an excellent warning against extremism of all kinds.

It's one of those days: Resist Despair.

It's not that things are bad, but they do not appear to be hopeful in any interesting manner.

I kind of want to use the internet like Twitter today; just leave my short comments and leave. I don't abhor Twitter per se, but there's so much noise out there in the Universe anyway, and nobody cares about what I have to say in comparison. Especially since I am not eating tasty sandwiches or pooping.

Even writing that 'joke' feels forced and kinda meh. Real writers wouldn't let that go.

In truth, the inclination to hide out is very strong. I guess I'm doing that already by staying at home, but I guess there's my conflict. The days when I want to go away and be forgotten, and the days when I don't. Which isn't much to aspire to, it seems.

Maybe I just need lunch. Everything seems better after lunch or a nap. I have a place to write and things ain't so bad.

On drama

I've been encountering the usual internet drama and it was in the shower today that I had a realization; some people are addicted to it. They need to create (or bear witness to) a whole lot of anxious misery in order to feed some weird hunger in themselves.

I have the internet trolls to thank for this, but I don't mean that in a congratulatory sort of way. I get that everyone is the asshole sometimes, but it is the consistent engagement of lousy behavior that defines an addiction and rewarding that behavior with attention of any sort just feeds into that bullshit.

The problem is that sometimes you just need people to shut the hell up.

So once again I'm back to the necessity of moderators in any given culture. Yeah, yeah it brings up the whole 'who watches the watchmen' thing, but I have yet to see any non-familial group work without a set of rules and someone to enforce them. For the most part, the community keeps each other in line, and my feelings about moderation in internet arenas is that it should be kept to a light hand.

Because the drama is going to show up no matter what you do or say. There's something about people that causes them to conflict.

Bah. I'm rambling now. I guess part of what I'm trying to learn is when to stand up to the addicts and when to let it go. But even with that knowledge, it doesn't mean very much unless standing up to them can be enforceable. How that works, I don't know.

The Failure Option

I'm doing a podcast now, for people interested in hearing my voice. Linky above.

I'm having trouble finding jobs that I think I can work in. I seem to know so little.

On the other hand, all the time at home is giving me space to read, write, and listen to music I haven't in a long time. You may not be aware of this, but the Smashing Pumpkins' Mellon Collie and the blahblahblah is a shitty record. It could've been a good one, but out of the 28 songs there, 4 are really good, and another 5 are OK. Maybe 2 more songs after that, and you're done.

Metallica's 'classic' ...And Justice for All? Bloated and tired.

But there's beer. So it's not all bad.

I went to the rock tonight

And it was good. At this point, it kinda goes: Andrew WK, It's Time To Party = Metallica, Creeping Death = Pelican, Angel Tears. And then there's everything else.

I don't care what you've seen live, I'll put those three experiences against anything.

(but, I've had booze and so this is not the be all end all.)

Twitter summation

My sister asked me what I thought of Twitter while I was in Spokane, and the link pretty much sums it up.

It does have some uses; A.Ho has told me of how they use it at his job to let people know about shifts they can pick up, and Bailey's Taproom uses it to let people know what's on tap, but these are really narrow applications. Just like the service itself, I think.

Visiting

When I went back to Spokane last week, I brought with me a whole slew of old cassette tapes which had songs on them I hadn't listened to in twenty years. I learned a few things along the way. The Pet Shop Boys' 'It's A Sin' is a gay anthem. 'Living in a box' is an incredibly offensive song, when I step back from it for even a moment. (Although to be fair, I was far less aware of the plight of the homeless at 16) 'Pop Goes the World' is a bad song.

I spent a lot of time feeling like I had no idea what Spokane was like, almost as though I was lost in a city I grew up in. It was very strange; the winter filth and the starkness of the city had it adopting an alien landscape that felt like I was a stranger now. Maybe it was because so many things evoked the past-old friends, old hangouts, old music, that I had been thrown back, and the city stayed in the present.

Of course, it could be that I'm just out of my head currently. I got sick while I was there, and I'm still recovering from that. NyQuill does a number on your head, and even this morning I'm feeling a little spacey. Perhaps it is best not to be too hard on Spokane, as it's coming off a difficult winter, and the city is in a state of disrepair.

Or, it could be that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm feeling reflective. That's possible too.