Here's what is messed up.

I need someone to give me a chance-that's the only way I'm going to become employed.

I am applying for jobs knowing I cannot get them. It's the only way I can apply for work. If I put hope into getting a job and don't hear anything that just feels worse.

It's like fail-fail.

Sigh

Writing the last check that I know will clear is not a good feeling.

I didn't know things were going to be this difficult and I don't like talking about it much. It's weirdly lonely, out there looking for a job, nobody else looking out for you.

I hope things change soon.

Ever have one of those days

where you just know things aren't going to go very well?

I'd hide out in the house if I thought that would help me avoid things.

/has a bad feeling about this...

Save the Words

Alerted to this by the wonderful Never Slap the Gift Donkey blog.

Just lovely.

Note to self:

Quaker's Baked Cheddar Snack Mix is hideous. Do not buy it again.

I'm eating it because I'm poor and hungry. This is the way of things, sometimes.

A brief aside to Patton Oswalt

From his Onion AV interview

Whereas the first album was, “This is shit that I hate,” now as I get older, it’s more about, “This is the stupid shit that I love, and here’s why.”

You'd still hate if you had to do shit that was stupid. You would not know the stupid shit that you love.

Just sayin'.
/also, not blaming you because my life is a portrait of Dorian Fail.

Fun Conversations with Dad #1

"Look, I love you and I don't care what it is you do. Even if you aren't making a lot of money, if you're happy that's what matters."

"Dad, I guess now's the time to tell you about my career in pornography."

"Whoa, wait a minute, I ain't' OK with that!"

"Oh, so now there are conditions."

"Hell yes. I have some serious moral objections to the way the people who make money off that stuff behave-and treat their employees."

"Don't worry; I won't be making any money, Dad."

"Ah. Well, then I guess it's OK."

/we started laughing about line 2

The new media

I was at this party a couple weeks ago and for a variety of reasons I overheard (but did not participate in) a conversation that was about the new media. That is; how Facebook is annoying but not nearly as meaningless as Twitter and Livejournal is really where you want to be if you want to read something meaningful.

I'm paraphrasing but I figure you get the idea.

And to me, what this conversation represents is a failure to understand how social websites work now. You define your experience, right? Facebook, Twitter, these sites offer you control over what you see and don't see (Facebook more than Twitter, as far as I can tell). Livejournal does this too-and it also has the extra step of allowing its users to create specific lists so you can post things that some people will see and others won't. I think Facebook does this as well but I'm not sure it's as extensive.

That said; sites like Twitter and Facebook could go a long way towards making those user experiences easier to manage. This is especially true in the case of Facebook and it's privacy policies I think. By hiding it, you're engaging in a sneaky act and people don't like it.

The point is; if you don't want to see the twenty pirate updates every day, you don't have to. So complaining that people aren't using it in a way that you like just means that you've failed to take advantage of the tools that improve your own experience. And complaining that the content it provides isn't the content you think you ought to get means you've misunderstood what the service is.

Who Benefits?

I've been thinking about the opposition to healthcare by the Republicans, the drive they're making against their own people. And it hit me; I get why Big Pharma and the Insurance industries are opposed to this, but why anyone else? Why the Republican drive to fuck over their own citizens, when study after study says that businesses lose billions every year due to illness, or paying for care for the uninsured? They aren't presenting an alternative beyond 'hey everything is fine!' So what the hell is going on here?

Then I got it; Roosevelt.

If Obama is successful at bringing healthcare to this country, especially if he does it over the objections of Republicans then they will truly be the marginalized party, and damn near powerless for decades. Perhaps longer. And they're afraid of that (understandably). History was not kind to the Republicans in the late 1930's. But their fear is costing us lives, so fuck 'em.

I don't quite get this; I'm employed as a temp, but there isn't enough work.

Seriously, I'm less busy at this job than I was at my last job, and I have, unfortunately, far fewer diversions.

I have a feeling it's going to be awhile before I find employment that makes sense.

My dream could come true

My dream of being a porn star. Huzza!

While I'm on the subject, when I first moved to Portland I had a hypothesis that said that within one block of every adult business (strippers, porn, whatever) within one block there would be an asian food restaurant. I think as a theory it's been disproven, but the hypothesis is still very strong.

When I started temping in Clackamas, I wondered if the hypothesis would hold.

Pleased to say that so far, it does.

a place to archive

In yoga I’ve also learned flexibility — physical and mental. If a muscle seizes up, just wait, it will relax — keep stretching or flexing. If you feel a mental reflex to resist something, just sit with it, the reflex will pass. This is indeed why people sometimes counsel yoga to treat addictions. Wait before you act — or don’t act — as the case may be. You achieve much once you stop telling yourself you can’t do things.

from | http://tinyurl.com/lmk63h

Going to experiment w/ using this blog to post things I'd like to reference again, someday.

This about covers it

Her: "Are you excited at all about the job tomorrow?"
Me: "No."

I feel like a massive failure.

Resistance 2 (or, I wish I knew more people with PS3s)

Thankfully, while wading through the cesspool of boredom that was Lost Odyssey, I found a very cheap copy of Resistance 2.

Resistance 2 is in many ways your standard FPS; you play a sci-fi soldier, the aliens want to take over the earth, kill all of them. Sounds pretty familiar I'm sure. I'm going to hit the high points though.

First, the story stays apace of the subject matter. It's an action game, so the plot is just complex enough to propel you to the next junction, no further. This is fine, actually; look how well this idea worked in the latest Star Trek movie. There's no need to make things complicated; you good, aliens bad, go. However the story also remains true to itself. While there will inevitably be a Resistance 3, I can only hope that the events of this game are kept as cannon. By this I mean; Resistance 2 is not about how you StMFD, and there is now dancing in the streets. Do you save the day? Yes. Does it feel like you've just put off the inevitable? Yes.

What's also cool is that there is apparently a parallel story that is played as a co-op campaign. That just seems awesome and I can't wait to try it, I just wish I knew more people to play it with.

One of the critiques of the first Resistance game was that it didn't really shake up the FPS genre. I'd have to say that this is still true in the sequel. My response is simple: Who cares?

A good game, executed well is what I'm asking for. They deliver it. The missions were challenging, but not unfair. The parts I had to repeat I learned from and did better the next time. The crazy firefight sequences felt right (chaotic, hazardous, fun only because they weren't real) the creepy parts of the game made me edgy, and I was entertained. I had at least two "Ho-ly shit!" moments when I first saw what I was supposed to fight against, and very frequently felt just like I was in a well oiled action movie.

You don't have to reinvent the wheel if what you have rolls so smoothly.

Now that said, I have two issues. First, there were times when I was lost and didn't know where I was supposed to go next. It didn't happen often, but when it did happen the game lost a lot of momentum. There are even sequences where they put a tag on the screen that you're supposed to move towards, and I found this to be extremely helpful. At the same time what this demonstrates is some glitches in design. If I get lost in what is basically a shooter on rails, something is amiss.

Second, there were two moments in the game which depended on AI controlled characters to get to a certain point before the player could go any further, and the AI was being all daffy about it. This basically strands the player (or at least it stranded me) until I died. Fortunately, the checkpoint save system means that it's rare that a player will have to go too far in order to regain what she or he lost by dying. It wasn't the end of the world, but it was a mild pain in the butt.

Those minor complaints aside, I found Resistance 2 to be a hell of a lot of fun, and am looking forward to playing the co-op campaign. I hope there's some cool people to play it with.

I played Lost Odyssey so you don't have to

Honestly, I think I finished the game in part so I could write that headline.

I knew what I was in for when I got this game; an old-school JRPG, where the good guys line up on one side and the bad guys on another and you throw swords and spells called 'Windus' (that's the 3rd level wind spell!) at each other. Random encounters, raiding people's houses for loot, some levelgrinding tedium; basically everything I experienced in Final Fantasy 7 only prettier. I still hated it.

In a game that plays for 50 hours or longer (I put in over 60) having a complex, weaving story is something that one comes to expect. What happens next? becomes a relevant way to prod the player from "random city on the coast that we start from" to "fucked up mountaintop that we must fight a strange griffin upon" to "remote village where no one goes to the strange house on the hill" and so on, and so on.

Unfortunately, the story is straightforward and mindbendingly dull. Kaim, the hero, is part of a group of immortals who have been part of the world for a millennia. His memories are lost, he knows only that he is a soldier. After a cataclysmic battle he is set on a quest that leads him to uncovering his memories and this, naturally, leads to saving the world.

Now, what I've just told you is the spoiler free version of this game but here's the problem: even if I told you the spoilers I would be adding absolutely nothing to the synopsis I just wrote. There are no big reveals, no twists or turns that aren't telegraphed like a atomic bomb tested in the middle of San Francisco. The villain is cartoonishly comic, and if it weren't for the Presidency of Bush Jr. I would deny that anyone that obviously evil could ever gain that much power in such a blunt manner.

There are a ton of short stories in the game where Kaim gets back chunks of his lost memories but there are at least two problems with this. First those stores are told well outside of the main narrative. They don't inform the current storyline (with rare exceptions) and they don't enhance Kaim as a character; he's still a brooding, humorless dick. Second, the presentation for these stories are a complete break from the game; the player has to sit there and watch as words are very prettily shown on the screen with a hazy nature background as scenery. There's no GAME there. In a medium that is supposed to be interactive they've broken the primary rule; disassociating the audience from the game.

It's understandable that the basic gameplay mechanics might become dull over time. Sadly, they are boring right from the start. Your muscle attacks with swords. There is no strategy there, because attacking with swords is a lot faster and better than using any of your learned skills. Your wizards cast spells. The spells they cast should be ones that are in opposition to the elemental characteristic of the enemy. That is, you cast Water against Fire, Fire against Wind, Wind against Earth, Earth against Water. I think. Sixty damn hours in and I still had to look up which element was best vs another element.

In this case, I blame designers. There wasn't anything intuitive about selecting the elemental spells in the menu, so those subtle reminders that would've helped me map out what to do weren't there. Going to the manual in the middle of a game is an indicator of bad design.

Bad design also comes into play when moving from place to place. Getting to and using the map is difficult, as there are two map screens; one that tells you the names of places and one that just shows you the world. Sometimes I just want to check where I am in relationship to a city but I can't just do that, I have to actually go somewhere because just seeing where I am on a map doesn't tell me anything unless I know where I am in relationship to another place. So I have to go to another place, even if it's where I just came from and that involves a load screen and waiting and boredom.

What's a real drag is having certain characters predisposed to death. There are two who have understandably low health points-the characters are children-but they're vital to getting through the game! So the player has to sit there and resurrect them time and time again, in hopes they will survive to the end of the battle, because dead characters don't level up. One of the best things in the game that I did was engage in a short sequence that made me a ton of money. Buying resurrection potions suddenly wasn't a problem, and I bought a ton of them. More than I can ever remember having to buy for an RPG.

Gameplay gets tiring, moving around is a pain in the butt, and the story is boring. Is there an upside?

There is; the character Jansen Friedh. A friend described him as 'what would happen if you put Bruce Campbell in a game' and that's not too far off the mark. Funny, complaining, interested in getting laid, interested in not getting the crap beat out of him, Jansen is the most human and likable character in the game. Sure his character arc is utterly predictable but at least it's fun to watch. Nobody else gives the story any tension whatsoever--they spend sixty hours being exactly who they are when you meet them.

So I say avoid it.

Finally, I'd like to thank these Gamefaq writers: German Dragon, INVAL1D, and Split Infinity. They made searching through the cities and getting through the maps far easier than the game designers did, and I am eternally grateful to them for the work they did.

Transformers 3: Return of the Primes

Although I haven't seen TF2, I've read enough reviews containing the 'plot' to know what happens. I understand it's not a movie in the sense that there is a story that somehow connects you from point A to D, so I don't feel weird about what I'm going to do next.

I'm going to tell you what's up for Transformers 3: Return of the Primes (which I'm making up as a title).

Blah blah blah explosions/stupid jokes/explosions/tits until the end when
1) Optimus Prime dies.
2) Giving Sam the last piece of the Allspark.
3) Everything is all but lost (including a special moment when Ultra Magnus, in an attempt to rip out Megatron's heart says, 'Open, damnit, OPEN!')
4) When Sam takes in the Allspark, saying to Mikela: 'Sorry'
5) Mikela screams: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (It will be her only line in the movie)
6) Then to Stan Bush's The Touch, (the original, not that abominable re-creation) Sam turns into RODIMUS PRIME.
7) And proceeds to Save the Motherfuckin' Day. (Which is why the Transformers in Transformer heaven sent Sam back; and Optimus keeps going on about Sam's destiny and all that other bullshit. Sam is Neo, except he becomes a machine.)

That's why the Transformers films focused on the humans instead of, you know, the awesome giant robots blowing everything the fuck up. It'll be Bay laughing at all of us because suddenly those first two piece of shit movies will have subtext and be about something: Man's transformation from boy to godlike robot that StMFD. This of course is a metaphor for how we need to lose ourselves in technology or perish. So in addition to demonstrating that Bay knows how to arrange a narrative arc, fanboys all over will forgive him because of Rodimus, and The Touch. (They shouldn't, but they will.)

When this happens; I want credit.

Google vs Facebook

Interesting article on how these two corporations are trying to make things work in the internet age.

Feels weird to post to something like Facebook, though. As a bonus, I think I may've stumbled on a neat tool for a website though. Thanks Google!
/google whore.

Randomness

Bison Brewing's chocolate stout is not so thrilling.

The Peppermint Tribe ought to be the name of one of the villains in the book.

I heard Metallica's Unforgiven for the first time in many years, and when this line was sung:
"This bitter man he is"
I instantly re-imagined it as a Yoda phrase. The song has been vastly improved.

Dear Kettle Chips; why are your normal potato chips so much suck, while your crinkle cut chips awesome?

Sung to Andrew WK's It's Time To Party

It's time for BACON, yeah BACON
Get on out of bed and have some awesome bacon
Hey, you, it's BACON
Sizzlin' on the stove and smokin'

Don't even try to hide it
'Cause we're gonna need some BACON tonight
And you know I'm gonna fry it up right
We're gonna munch it all
when it's crispy and nice
BACON, BACON,
Gonna have some BACON tonight

Towels laid out
to absorb the grease
Just waitin' for my treat (It's time for BACON)
Tongs in my hand
To turn the meat
Almost time to eat (It's time for BACON)
Pan smoking hot
strips curling up
It's almost done (It's time for BACON)
Open your mouth, let's eat it up, with your teeth

YEAH! (x4)

It's time for...
It's time for...
It's time for... BACON BACON
GONNA HAVE SOME BACON TONIGHT

Once again

Don't. Perpetuate. Drama.

Especially when it's coming from fucktards on the internet who just want to start trouble.

Odds and ends

First: Resident Evil 5: It's good. Not stupid amazing good, but a solid game that is trying to do shake up the series by placing it in a hot sun-drenched environment. This works for the most part, but there weren't as many spooky parts, and the vehicle driving sections were generally boring. Sitting at the turret of a gun and blazing down enemies doesn't make for a very fearful experience.

That all said, I've gotten quite a bit out of the Mercenaries subgame. With two players who even know a little about what to do, I have felt like I was accomplishing a great deal. It's fun! I wouldn't like to see an entire game around that, but the value that Mercenaries gives to this helps make the game worthwhile.

Second: Left 4 Dead 2. I really wish they would do it as DLC. Or how about giving coupons to people who have bought L4D so the sequel isn't as expensive for us?

I don't know; I worry that this really awesome game I've been playing will suddenly have a much smaller userbase, and currently I can't afford a new game. Hopefully by November, this won't be an issue, but it's hard not to fret about the unemployment thing.

I got on Xbrick Live just to play L4D with people, and I'd hate to see that pleasant experience go away, especially after dropping $110 on it (game + Live membership).

And also: I'd like to see some extra content for the original. The lighthouse in The Last Stand is obviously some kind of end-chapter. Give me the 4 lead up chapters!

I realize that Valve needs to make money, and I've had a good time with their game, but there was an implication that there would be at least some new content coming for the original (although I may be making that up in my head) so this sequel feels a lot like a letdown.

Third: I've started making lists in the morning of daily tasks. So far it's helping, and I think it may be the first step on my way to getting a personal organizer. I think I'd like it to it via an iPod touch because that way I can just copy/paste things into a calendar, but for now writing things down is a start.

Fourth: Usual depressing looking for work thing. It just feels all fucked up.

Fifth: Star Trek is good. The new one hits all the right notes, doesn't invalidate any older Star Trek that people may've loved, and is all around fun to watch.

I guess that's all for now.

Healthcare costs

A really good article on the costs of healthcare in America.

As with so many things, it seems to come down to greed vs care.

Hm

While building my most recent Magic deck, I realized something.

I have run out of basic forests. I didn't think that was possible. And I'm not sure this is a good sign.

On Fatalism

Was called a fatalist last night by Jim, in our discussion about newspapers. This was after I'd called him one.

The perspectives divided thusly: He thinks that newspapers are on their way out, and that when they go, we lose something critical to our democracy because there's nothing to replace them. The internet (with bloggers being the definition there) and TV do not have the credibility nor the standards of accuracy that newspapers do. And once they go, they're gone and that resource cannot be replaced. Our democracy will be fucked once that happens.

So: we should save them.

Me: newspapers are going to die, at least as we know them. That cannot be prevented but the idea that nothing will replace those things is one that historically as been false. New things rise up to replace old things in every system you can talk about, and there's no way to prove that in this case, the new thing is going to be worse or somehow be unable to give us the truth we need to continue to function as a democracy.

I know the world is going to change, and not always for the better, but not always for the worse, either.

I had a troubled sleep last night, though.

Get a haircut and get a real job

I got my haircut yesterday. Probably the best $5 haircut I've gotten since the early 80's, but I think I would've ponied up 5 more to not have to listen to shitty, shitty pop music for forty minutes. There was one song with a really catchy riff, wasted in a song that was otherwise drivel. The Foo Fighters could've done something awesome with that riff. But this band wasn't even close.

Although the haircut looks ok, I spent today mostly depressed. Yeah, I made beer and I wrote some and it didn't all suck, but what I realized walking back from the comic store was this; I am admitting that I cannot get a job. I'm cleaning myself up, which will include shaving off the soul patch I've kept on my chin for at least six months, so I can go into a temp agency and ask for work.

I don't have a dream to follow, I don't have a path to look to. Going to the temp agency isn't so bad; hopefully they'll be able to place me. It's that I don't really know anything that makes me valuable, and I don't really love anything that people would want to pay me for. And that's...no fun.

More things not to do:

Lock yourself out of the house.

The cats will not let you back inside.

Step 1

Well, I finished the first, handwritten draft of a book I've been writing for 3 years. It's not the most triumphant thing ever, but it is an accomplishment in the process of making a complete thing. So I'll take it.

Huh

Got yelled at by an anarchist tonight for not knowing what anarchy is, apparently.

When I asked her what she wanted, and she included, 'democracy' and I said, you can't have democracy and anarchy at the same time, she yelled a me, about how I ought to read x,y,z.

But she didn't actually tell me what the difference was, when I asked. Or how I wasn't a liberterian because I thought regulated capitalism was a good thing.

I may be getting the details fuzzy; I was being yelled at. But it was nice to be yelled at by a left-winger, because it's an excellent warning against extremism of all kinds.

It's one of those days: Resist Despair.

It's not that things are bad, but they do not appear to be hopeful in any interesting manner.

I kind of want to use the internet like Twitter today; just leave my short comments and leave. I don't abhor Twitter per se, but there's so much noise out there in the Universe anyway, and nobody cares about what I have to say in comparison. Especially since I am not eating tasty sandwiches or pooping.

Even writing that 'joke' feels forced and kinda meh. Real writers wouldn't let that go.

In truth, the inclination to hide out is very strong. I guess I'm doing that already by staying at home, but I guess there's my conflict. The days when I want to go away and be forgotten, and the days when I don't. Which isn't much to aspire to, it seems.

Maybe I just need lunch. Everything seems better after lunch or a nap. I have a place to write and things ain't so bad.

On drama

I've been encountering the usual internet drama and it was in the shower today that I had a realization; some people are addicted to it. They need to create (or bear witness to) a whole lot of anxious misery in order to feed some weird hunger in themselves.

I have the internet trolls to thank for this, but I don't mean that in a congratulatory sort of way. I get that everyone is the asshole sometimes, but it is the consistent engagement of lousy behavior that defines an addiction and rewarding that behavior with attention of any sort just feeds into that bullshit.

The problem is that sometimes you just need people to shut the hell up.

So once again I'm back to the necessity of moderators in any given culture. Yeah, yeah it brings up the whole 'who watches the watchmen' thing, but I have yet to see any non-familial group work without a set of rules and someone to enforce them. For the most part, the community keeps each other in line, and my feelings about moderation in internet arenas is that it should be kept to a light hand.

Because the drama is going to show up no matter what you do or say. There's something about people that causes them to conflict.

Bah. I'm rambling now. I guess part of what I'm trying to learn is when to stand up to the addicts and when to let it go. But even with that knowledge, it doesn't mean very much unless standing up to them can be enforceable. How that works, I don't know.

The Failure Option

I'm doing a podcast now, for people interested in hearing my voice. Linky above.

I'm having trouble finding jobs that I think I can work in. I seem to know so little.

On the other hand, all the time at home is giving me space to read, write, and listen to music I haven't in a long time. You may not be aware of this, but the Smashing Pumpkins' Mellon Collie and the blahblahblah is a shitty record. It could've been a good one, but out of the 28 songs there, 4 are really good, and another 5 are OK. Maybe 2 more songs after that, and you're done.

Metallica's 'classic' ...And Justice for All? Bloated and tired.

But there's beer. So it's not all bad.

I went to the rock tonight

And it was good. At this point, it kinda goes: Andrew WK, It's Time To Party = Metallica, Creeping Death = Pelican, Angel Tears. And then there's everything else.

I don't care what you've seen live, I'll put those three experiences against anything.

(but, I've had booze and so this is not the be all end all.)

Twitter summation

My sister asked me what I thought of Twitter while I was in Spokane, and the link pretty much sums it up.

It does have some uses; A.Ho has told me of how they use it at his job to let people know about shifts they can pick up, and Bailey's Taproom uses it to let people know what's on tap, but these are really narrow applications. Just like the service itself, I think.

Visiting

When I went back to Spokane last week, I brought with me a whole slew of old cassette tapes which had songs on them I hadn't listened to in twenty years. I learned a few things along the way. The Pet Shop Boys' 'It's A Sin' is a gay anthem. 'Living in a box' is an incredibly offensive song, when I step back from it for even a moment. (Although to be fair, I was far less aware of the plight of the homeless at 16) 'Pop Goes the World' is a bad song.

I spent a lot of time feeling like I had no idea what Spokane was like, almost as though I was lost in a city I grew up in. It was very strange; the winter filth and the starkness of the city had it adopting an alien landscape that felt like I was a stranger now. Maybe it was because so many things evoked the past-old friends, old hangouts, old music, that I had been thrown back, and the city stayed in the present.

Of course, it could be that I'm just out of my head currently. I got sick while I was there, and I'm still recovering from that. NyQuill does a number on your head, and even this morning I'm feeling a little spacey. Perhaps it is best not to be too hard on Spokane, as it's coming off a difficult winter, and the city is in a state of disrepair.

Or, it could be that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm feeling reflective. That's possible too.

Gotta say that 2009 has been one where I've had to accept my successes based on the level of personal growth I'm having to endure. It has not been fun, though I've been becoming more aware. I don't envy anyone the path I'm on though.

I'd also like the insomnia that's been shooting me in the mind between 2 and 4 a.m. every night for the past month to go away. For a long time.

There are days

When I swear to god I think I could fix the internet by having the 'reply all' email button give you a shock and nosebleed.

2008 mix tape part 2

The first song I heard when I touched down in NYC last year was You're A Wolf by Sea Wolf. It's one of my favorite songs from the album, and hearing it at random made sure I wouldn't forget to include this at the end of the year.

Once again, I found myself listening to Jesu more than any other band this year. Supple Hope is another one of Jesu's textured songs with a title that misleads; the lyrics themselves are depressing as hell.

I don't know that I can explain my love of Armor for Sleep, but I've two albums and the songs that I like on them, I really like, while the others are less memorable alt-rock. But as I said; when they do a good song, I really like it, and it's hard for me to beat a song that opens with "I've got soul working for me half the time". So Run Right Back In goes on.

Bats Over The Pacific Ocean is one of those nonsense titles that bands like Jaguar Love give to their songs. Given that the band is made up of former Blood Brothers members, this kind of silliness makes a lot more sense. Jaguar Love has songs that are a lot more danceable though, so hopefully that will open up some people to their stuff.

A very late addition to my music collection in '08 was Fucked Up, and their song Black Albino Bones caught me right away. Punk rock growls with a light chorus, and I was hooked.

Dead and Divine was a band I swayed on for much of the year. Do I keep this album, or do I just burn a couple tracks and let it go. But whenever I would listen to the album for purposes of burning, I liked a lot more songs than I thought I would. When I played it as background music, it didn't stick, except for Get Down With Your Bad Self, which has the line: I have a way with failure.
I wish that didn't speak to me, but it does.

Next up is Baroness's Isak. This is another album that was probably on last year's tape, but eh. Whatcha gonna do? It's dirty stoner rock, and I like that.

Nineteenhundred by Burst was another late addition to my ears. Burst's record, Lazarus Bird is a strong one, and it's too bad it's been consigned to the 'metal' bin. Don't get me wrong, it is metal, but the band wants to stretch what metal can do-and in this song, they use saxophones to do it. Really neat stuff.

My Apocalypse by Metallica. Yeah, I'm surprised too, but there you go; it took them twenty years to do another album on par with Master of Puppets, but they did it. Is it as good as their landmark albums (namely Ride the Lightning or Master of Puppets)? No. But it's pretty damn solid, and the guys are playing again like they have something to prove.

Finally, All Hope Is Gone by Slipknot. The title is beguiling again, reflecting a despair that the song doesn't exactly have, but since I've been feeling a little bit of both, I put that song on. Plus, it's just blistering.

I finished with Unearth's instrumental; Big Bear & the hour of Chaos. I wanted that song to be the bridge between My Apocalypse and All Hope Is Gone, but it didn't work out that way; there wasn't enough room on the tape. Still, I got it on; that's what matters.

2008 mix tape part 1

I kicked this year's tape off with Tales of Girls, Boys, and Marsupials by the Wombats. It was a song that made me smile in a year when smiling was hard for me to come by.

Against Me! was a band I was happy to discover this year. I'd heard of them for years, but never gotten around to listening to them until I found a copy of New Wave used. It was a great album, and the nice thing about getting into a band late is that you get to explore their back catalog, and usually get more good music out of the deal. One of my favorite songs from New Wave was Thrash Unreal, and so it comes up next.

It's probable that Kevin Drew's Spirit If came out in 07, but I still listened to it in 08, so Safety Bricks gets the nod.
This is true of a few bands; I didn't find a lot of new stuff I was enamored with, so I went back to the things I had playing them to death.

Of course as I say that, the next song is TV On The Radio's Golden Age, and their was on many people's top 10 list for '08. TVOTR doesn't seem to grab me quite the same way ever since I saw them live, but they still put out good albums.

In the same way that I got into Against Me! this year, I also finally heard Minus the Bear. Same situation; lots of people telling me how great they were, but I waited until I could find a CD used. Hooray! is hands down my favorite song from that album, not just for it's thrilling guitar line during the chorus, but the fond tale of snowball fights too.

Fumes is by Aesop Rock. I don't know much about rap, but Aesop and Dalek (who makes the list in a song) both made albums that didn't sound like any rap I'd heard before. Aesop seems more traditional, but his wordplay is very clever too.

Wiper is by Amusement Parks On Fire, and again they probably were on last year's list too. Every time I was in a used record store this year, I spent time looking for their 2nd album to no avail. This is why I'm considering downloading music off the internet; just so I can find things I want.

From this song Dalek's Ever Somber felt like the right thing. He seems to use industrial-stylings as his backbeats. A rapper descended from Ministry-like swirls of noise. This song was chosen in part because of the title, which seems to fit my current mood more than I'd like.

The Gutter Twins didn't make quite the splash I thought they would, but their album was admittedly a little uneven. Still, I am sad I didn't get my ducks in a row to see them live. The Body hooked me in with it's soft chorus, and I never got away from it.

I got Band of Horses' last record late in 07, so Is There A Ghost? makes it on. I would've listened to it more, but my girlfriend absconded with it for most of the year.

Finally, Mogwai's Auto-Rock. I first heard this at the end of the Miami Vice movie, and I loved it, but didn't have it together to find out who did the music. Then I forgot about it, as people sometimes do.

About the middle of '08, I heard it again while in Everyday Music. I had one of those tingly moments, hearing this song--Oh yes, this! I need this. So I went up to find out who was playing, and walked out with a scuffed CD of Mogwai's Mr Beast. The album isn't great, but that song is magical for me.

This side closes out with music from Girl Talk's Feed the Animals. I can't quite distinguish the songs on this album, but that's OK. The mashup fun is too good to ignore.

Work musings 1.6, 1.7, 1.9

Right now I have to work under conditions where people can walk into my workspace, and just 'hang out' doing things. This makes me not want to work. I want people to go away. Having someone you don't like much around disrupts the workflow. And he's in space I need to use anyway. It's like a megalose.

It's weird, realizing I have to quit. It's crazy, since this is the worst time to not already have a job since something like 1952. Still, I also feel kind of good. I mean, when I'm not batshit frightened.

They just cut my hours by 7.5/wk. That's almost enough to convince me to stick around.

That was just your life

I'm realizing that I'm a very bad advocate for myself.

It is...not a pleasant realization.

Here's a thought

The next time someone makes a mistake, you might want to ask; did they make a mistake because they fucked up, or did they make a mistake because the instructions provided were unclear?

Ah, crap.

I forgot to call my Dad on his birthday yesterday.

An open letter to Sen. Obama

Dear Senator,

You lost my vote when you voted for the FISA bill. You said it was a bad bill. Senator Feinstein, who sits on the committee that oversees the wiretapping program and knows more than you about the consequences of this bill, said it was a bad bill. You voted for it anyway.

Which brings you into a direct clash with my values; when things are wrong, you don't let go of your principles even if you're going to lose. I know; You are in the game to win it. I know; your political opponents would hammered you on it. But they hammered you with Rev. Wright too, and you took a stand and treated us like adults and people stopped short and listened. On this bill, however, you voted for it, and then said it was a good compromise.

It wasn't. That was all I really needed to not vote for you. Your political career has been brief, your rhetoric not always backed up by consistent actions. This crucial moment came, and you let it pass.

People told me I shouldn't care, people told me that too much was at stake, that McCain was just going to further us into disaster. I felt I had principles here and I had to stick by them; retroactive pardoning of actions that violated the Fourth Amendment was not something I could stand for.

You still haven't convinced me to change my mind. You say you stand for change, but you don't articulate a strong vision. Healthcare, alternative energy, infrastructure both electronic and physical; these are big ideas we could be leaders in and are critical to our country's ability to be a good one, but you don't put it into a singular purpose as far as I'm concerned.

The smaller issues; homeland security, economic regulation, education, these things are bog points, and yes, you speak with great conviction on them but they don't convince me anymore. Solving these problems won't save us, because they are connected to larger ideas. Your job is to give this country a vision and then help us carry it out.

Worse, I am terrified that there will be no way to enforce the will of the people when you are elected. The ability to ignore the people in willful defiance of the disasters that he caused, has been one of the greatest tragedies of our current President. How can I be sure you will do what you say you will do?

I couldn't, so I couldn't vote for you.

You are fortunate, sir, that I am a reader. That I want to make sure I am doing the best I can, and in order to do that I try to absorb all the information possible that is available to me.

Esquire magazine published their endorsement issue recently. Perhaps you've seen it. You're no doubt aware of it, especially since they endorse you. They do a better job of describing things than I, both your strengths and weaknesses, why they think you're the man for this job. They evaluate McCain too, quietly but smartly evaluating why they think you should be President of the United States.

None of that convinced me. This did: Justice John Paul Stevens is eighty-nine years old, the editors of Esquire reminded me...

In January of 2009, if and when Barack Obama is inaugurated as the forty-fourth president of the United States, Associate Justice John Paul Stevens will be closing in on his thirty-fourth year on the Court and his eighty-ninth year on earth. And there, really, you have it. The best argument for the election of Barack Obama as president of the United States is written quite clearly in the peaks and squiggles of John Paul Stevens's EKG.

Just as, no matter how impressive John McCain could ever be, Sarah Palin should never, ever be allowed to be President, so must Justice Stevens be replaced by someone who truly believes in the Law of the Land.

So, Senator Obama, I will be voting for you in this election.

I do not like it. You have not earned my trust, you have not met any of my expectations. I am going to have to leave some of my principles behind in order to vote for you. In a very real way, I am doing what you did when you voted to pass the FISA bill, and I do not like that at all.

I am putting my country ahead of myself, however. That is not the greatest consolation for me. My country is made up of all those little choices that men and women like me make, most of us truly trying to make the place both good enough for themselves and a little better for the next group in whatever ways we can, and it lives and dies on our adherence to the qualities of honor that we maintain.

And my country has seen a great deal of dishonor in the past ten years. Dishonor that has come from the top and trickled down effecting everyone, so unlike the economic prosperity of a select few that liars would have us believe will buoy us all, leaving so many of us angry, frightened, and dispirited. I am very, very, very tired of it.

So I am going to put Americans ahead of my principles, the principles I believe that if people like me do not adhere to most days, will lead us to ruin, because the broad enforcement of the rule of law (not just through Justice Stevens, but through the other Federal judges I hope you will appoint) has to come before my strict adhesion to my belief that you do what is right, even if you are going to lose.

I am having to put my faith in you, that you will do what is right. That you will not utterly succumb to power and forget all that we have been through as a nation, but also remember that we are a nation of laws, and it is only through laws that are fair, honest, applying to all, that are in a word, just, that we will be able to address some of the wrongs that we have done. We have to right those wrongs Senator; those wrongs done to the world, those wrongs done to ourselves. It is our responsibility, because we had such a heavy hand in creating that mess.

I don't want to vote on my fears, fears of economic meltdown, fears of government intrusion both private and public into the lives of the American people, fears of tyranny in my own country. So I have to choose to vote on something else.

I am having to vote on faith, and I am asking you to justify that faith, as much as any human can.

Good luck Senator, and may we both find success in our efforts to make this a better world.

Shards review

In part for my friend J, who keeps telling me I should write tihs shit down so he has stuff to read.

I've been reading the Shards of Alara spoilerlist, and I'm pretty meh about this set.

Blue gets mega awesome stuff, because they've dipped into the artifact pool again. This time WotC isn't even trying to hide it; they're making blue artifacts. I realize that they have taken great pains to make the game more balanced, but every time they emphasize artifacts (and by relation, blue) they fuck it up, and the game suffers as a result.

And I only barely get why blue gets to lockdown searching of libraries. It seems like if you want to ensure the 'chaos' factor, red ought to have that. Fuck blue.

The silver lining here is that white gets some very strong stuff, being linked to blue-and thus artifacts-in this set. White has been needing a reasonable boost in power for awhile now, and slowly it looks like it's starting to happen.

Unfortunately, the other main white ability, exalt, is lame. It only works on attacking, so you want to load up one creature with all your eggs-and that strategy NEVER works.

Black also gets some nice cards, but that color doesn't need any help.

Red and Green get a focus on big creatures, but that theme has been plaguing those colors for ages, and is never successful. Or, it is when there is no viable countermagic in the format, however that's not the case here. Anytime you have a hard counter for less than four, and spot removal for the same, big creatures just won't matter. So blue and black once again look like the big players.

Worse, the 'abilities' that R/G get--devour--mean that they want to kill their paths to victory.
That. Is. Stupid.
If you're winning, this ability won't help you seal the deal, and if you're losing, this ability won't help you come back!

However, there's good and bad here, as with nearly every set. My problem is that I'm bored. This block is another multi-color set, and it's the 3rd such block in 5 blocks. There's too much of a good thing happening here, and it's becoming stale.

I'm glad the game is developing to help eliminate mana screw and color screw--two very frustrating ways to lose, especially for new players--but if they make multiple colors the best possible option, then it rapidly becomes the only one.

Issue number two: this set is probably the least focused set I've seen in years. At least it feels that way; cards that beg for 'support' cards that I just know are going to be released in the future--but for now we just have to suck it up and try and make these weaker cards work (shit like Resounding Roar. So many different things going on thematically that getting the set to form any cohesion is impossible, (cycling being smattered through the set, color themes bleeding over this way and that, 5+ power creatures mattering for some, but not all) and honestly, I'm just tired of it.

Sometimes, straightforward is good. I don't expect a block of monochrome, but the repetition of a theme like this has been visited too often, and the well is running dry for me.

Still; I loved Shadowmoor, but was disappointed by Eventide, so it's possible that the future of this block is still shiny.

Black Ice

I know that there is probably no reason at all to be interested in the new AC/DC record. But. Still.

Salon article

So I read the article linked, and yeah, I dig on it. Of course, going to the letters section there are a small but extremely viscous group of people-hating creatures who neither understand or empathize with someone who is having trouble. My general feeling towards people who cannot put their objections civilly is summed up thusly: Fuck them.

What is less good is the questions it brings up for me. The insistence that I cannot quit my job, because there are lots and LOTS of stories, especially now, about how bad things are. And, I have to admit; I fear poverty. Not being able to get new things-don't care. Not being able to eat properly, or pay rent; big care.

So that preys on me. What also preys on me, however, is the ache in my side I get from just sitting at this desk. I can't stay here. I have to stay here.

You might see the issue there.

It's weird being smart and so scared. I feel like I ought to have the skills to manage, but they seem to elude me. That's no fun.

The trick

Last week was a shit week at work. I can't remember being so angry at work; my frustration levels went through the roof.

I need a new job. I am afraid that my skills of mediocrity have left me with few avenues to pursue one. My Dad suggests 'leadership skills', but I honestly have no idea what that means or where I'd go to learn such a thing. I do not recall seeing these kinds of classes taught at GU.

I've always had trouble figuring out what I 'ought to do with my life'. I like to write but I have no idea how I'd ever get paid for such things, and time really does become an issue. Writing is hard work, and even though I like it, it takes time and effort to get something out that's worth reading. Then you have to be lucky enough to have someone pay you for it. I've never been much for promoting myself, so I generally hit a dead end when it comes to going anywhere.

They say there are two problems; you know what you want but you don't know how to get it, or you don't know what you want.

I seem to have a little of both. Maybe I should make a list of what I do want, so things will become clearer.

However, there are a few things that need to be done.
1) I need to not be angry at my supervisor. I need to figure out a way to release this soon, as she'll be in the office next week and will no doubt want a sit down with me. I need to be able to be civil with her.

2) I need a plan of action to get me out of Dodge. I really really have to leave here; I can feel it taking a toll on me physically. That is bad, no matter how you cut it.

3) I need a thought as to what I ought to be doing. If writing won't pay (since I have no idea how to make money at it), and I shouldn't be a teacher, what is there? I honestly don't know, and I'd like to stay in Portland to do it, whatever it is.

Mass Effect

At this rate, I'll be up there with GamersWithJobs or something. Except tardier.

But: Mass Effect: I have completed it.

Mass Effect is a story driven game, and I really mean that; a large chunk of the gameplay is a 'Choose your own adventure' game, where the conversations that the player had tend to influence the outcome of the events around you. The major plot points remain the same, but in between those are mini-quests that you choose to do or not, and those choices allow for certain stories to develop. The completion of those stories gives you more experience and potentially access to other goodies.

After that, the game divvy's up into two main gameplay elements: shooting and driving.

The shooting elements are pretty well managed I think, and one could spend hours, no kidding, mixing and matching the gear used as armor and weapons for this part of the game. This goes a little overboard, and it becomes cumbersome because the inventory screen isn't very easy to move through. I had to scroll down individually to each item to get to the next one. Being able to move through pages would've been easier, as would the grouping of items by name.

Once thrown into combat though, I found the game really easy to work with. The fighting scenes worked well, my squad rarely got stuck, and the environments were challenging enough that moving through them kept me on my toes. I didn't mind that spaceships or bases had the same layout; that's the way things get built, so I didn't care. The planetary environments were cool enough that I was happy.

Moving around the planetary environments, however was another story. Driving was a pain in the ass because the control for the tank turret could also cause you to move in the direction it was pointing. As a result, moving in a straight line was a challenge.

Now, BioWare (the developers) did the right thing by making it pretty much impossible to flip your vehicle and end the game, but they also didn't do themselves any favors by including so many mountains to try and climb over, slowing and sometimes even stopping my progress. The maps were only mildly helpful for navigating terrain; the places I wanted to go could be marked with a flag, but finding them on the map was sometimes a real chore. Terrain was marked by light blue and black, but locations I wanted to find had icons that were small and did not readily stand out against the light blue.

Secondly, there was frequent combat done from the vehicle, and the targeting reticle was frequently obscured by the environment. That was a huge pain in the ass. I couldn't see where I was firing, and that meant I would miss, or waste a cannon shot just to see where my bullets were going.

But there was no getting around this; any mission you wanted to take on any planet involved driving there, and inevitably confronting enemies.

Aside from that, I really enjoyed this game. Big space adventure, the ability to choose how to handle situations and people, and enough detailing that I can geek out without having to become hardcore. Fun stuff!

Get over it

I don't think Michael Ian Black is funny. It's weird to see people get riled about that.

It dawns on me.

Also. Why the fuck do I have to type in some crappy captcha code on my own blog? There's got to be a setting for that. Will investigate, because that's just fucking stupid.

Teh Crack

I started a 10 day free-trial of World of Warcraft yesterday. Bye-bye sleep. And boobies.

What We Eat

Grr

So, my car broke down yesterday. It's alright; nothing really was wrong with it, but I was stuck there for a little while waiting for someone to come jumpstart it. (The linky goes to the post where I talk briefly about that)

But I was also lucky that there was a payphone half a block away. It is making me consider getting a cellphone, again. Pros and cons?

Assassin's Creed

I finished Assassin's Creed for the PS3 last weekend and while I enjoyed quite a bit of it, the flaws in the game are problematic enough that I understand why it got such mixed reviews.

I liked the basics of the game; climbing things and jumping around rooftops, as well as stealth assassinations. But all the other missions seemed to be flawed. Picking someone's pocket feels like an awkward exercise in timing, instead of patience and skill. Combat is mostly a one button mashup affair, with the only skill being pressing a 'defend' button at the appropriate time. So anytime you have to fight someone, it becomes rather dreary with repetition. Since 2/3s of the missions are fighting based, it becomes a chore. Worse, since I am unable to dictate my moves, when I would defend then counter, I would end up punching someone instead of using my sword and I had no idea why. When surrounded by 5+ enemies this becomes an issue. It seemed like the game just decided for me; harder opponents will be ones you can only punch, weaker ones you can slice at.

Well, fuck that; give me a reward/penalty system or something, so I can decide which is best.

The stealth aspects are also implemented unevenly; all of the 'boss' missions require virtually no stealth, so it feels like I spent time learning how to behave stealthily, but there's no payoff for that. Once the boss mission is completed, you have to run for your life--there's no way to stealthily commit the deed, and then sneak away to get a head start. Exploring the city is fun but since the soldiers can follow me anywhere, it rarely feels like there is a payoff for exploring, beyond finding new missions to do and seeing the beautiful panoramics of the city.

One thing that really, really peeves me about games that encourage exploration is that the 'little bonuses' they reward you with are...well, a total pain in the ass without any payoff. Grand Theft Auto started this with the 'find 99 drug packages' thing in GTA3, and AC has a 'find the flags' and 'defeat the Templars' subgame. But there are 60 Templars, and 420 flags to find! On top of that, the map is not very helpful at letting you find those things. It should be, and there are 2 reasons why.

First, I only have so much time. Game developers, help me out! I want to play your games, but if you keep putting in things that must be stumbled upon at random, then I have no choice but to prioritize and say; Fuck that. I appreciate that some people have gone through the trouble to find all the flags and Templars and make a handy set of maps, but why should I have to go to a website to help me do something in the game like find flags? It breaks up the whole experience, and is just a pain in the ass. If I can't be a boss, or can't find my way into something, sure, I want to be able to get help. Who doesn't? But stumbling on random packages is...well, it's not fun, it's work, and that's not why I play games.

Second, if you're going to put in these little things, make it worthwhile! I climbed all the towers and got my viewpoints because it was fun to look around and then leap off. When I completed the game, I saw that I had a 'task done', so I went to look at it. All it told me was; all view points completed. Well, SHIT, I'm glad the act of doing it was fun to begin with, because I get nothing else out of the deal.

Finding a flag, or beating a Templar (when your combat system is weak), isn't inherently fun, and there doesn't seem to be a bonus for doing the thing that is fun, so what's my motivation? (Xbox owners can say; you get accomplishment
points, but what the hell are accomplishment points good for? It's just a trophy badge to let other people know you 'did' something, and at 36 just being able to finish a game is my accomplishment. I have, as a great friend of mine says, a host of responsibilities I'm trying to ignore, don't make me work to ignore them.)

So help me out; if I'm climbing the viewpoints, open up the map so I can find more stuff, which leads me to exploring more and learning more stealth stuff, and so on.

My final complaint is; the finale of the game involved the weakest parts of the game; combat. Sigh. All those hours learning cool stuff wasted.

Assassin's Creed developers; I enjoyed your game. I liked the story. I liked climbing around cities, and I liked figuring out how to be stealthy (even if it was frustrating occasionally) and although the random beggar bugged the hell out of me, I enjoyed the experience overall.

But please step it up for the next game, because I'm only willing to accept this game up to a point, and then I get worn out.

Comic

Boy do I hate yardwork.

blah

I'm depressed today. I'm not sure what admitting that publicly will do, aside from just let people know I'm depressed. Maybe that will be enough.

Austin is pretty cool

As a place to visit, that is. It's way too goddamn hot for human beings to seriously want to live there in massive numbers.

And; there's some good beer there too!

But, next time someone insists that Austin > Portland, and says, "Anything you can get up there, you can get down here," just say this:

Sidewalks.

Vacation

Off to Austin TX for the weekend. Never been, so it should be interesting at the very least, and quite likely awesome.

Going to end up drinking very shitty beer, though. That's a bit more problematic.

Just a few things

First; 'unscribe' is not a word. It's 'unsubscribe', damnit.

Second; Note to self: do not let other people's authority tell you what you like or don't like.

Third; walking through Portland right now,they're tearing up the streets for the N/S Max line (the public rail system). As they wrecked 6th Ave SW, I could see the strata of the earth, macadam, cement, wooden rail ties, bricks, dirt.

Wait. Rail ties? Uh huh. Looks like a few decades ago, a railroad went through this part of town. On this street.

The more things change, right?

Various stuff

First: http://www.ommatidia.org/

That's just neat.

I just got back from Las Vegas, where I visited my Dad and a few ex-Consumators.

I hate Vegas. It's impossible to get a decent meal for reasonable prices, and finding a beer worth keeping down is impossible. It is utterly devoid of the fun which it insists it is selling you, unless you 1) like to gamble or 2) like to spend a fuckton of money. Which is just gambling, but, you know, on something that you might get to keep. Or nourish you. Or basically provide some kind of return beyond; It puts the quarters in the bin, or else it gets the hose again.

When you aren't in the Vegas that everyone thinks of as Vegas, you're in either a) an insidiously ugly, shitty part of town or b) in a community that's gated and surrounded by a Southwestern themed strip mall.

It's a shame, because if you leave Vegas, the countryside is really quite pretty.

Went to see Iron Man, and it's as good as they say. Solid cast, decent story, all around good stuff. Dad's take: "Well, I'm glad I got to see it for free-and hell, I'd see it again for free."
Me:"Isn't that true of anything, really?"
"Hell, no."

I've finished up the Sly Cooper series on the PS2, and you know, it's pretty good. I think it got overlooked in the PS2 world with Ratchet and Clank and Jax and Daxter as competition, but lots of fun. Ending is a little abrupt, but not bad.

Went on a stripper bus via Barfly and had an interesting experience, touring various and sundry clubs in Portland.

Fav; Pirate's Cove. Our hostess Rachel Reckless was lovely too. And my girlfriend became the hero of the bus when she asked a trucker to move his vehicle so our bus could pass (long story, but it is one of those; that's why people don't like the police, things).

I guess that's the deal.

Creepy

But totally cool.

Warriors of time

I'm listening to the new Black Tide which is resoundingly OKish.

However, I'm just not sure I can keep an album where the lyric "We are the warriors of time" is sung without irony.

Suzanne Schnetzler dba Rocking S Farm

Posting this story as a favor to a friend.

Note to self

Sometimes it really is best to stay quiet. Avoids drama.

Internet drama plays out weird sometimes, though. In this case, I'm not sure I'd've noticed, if I hadn't been asked to notice.

Jovi Punch-Full Recovery

Either you understand how awesome that is, or I hate you.

Deleted.

Consumating is closing tomorrow. I deleted my profile as an act of defiance; they do not get to take it away from me. I will take it from them.

Have had beers. Need to sleep. But this is something I'm going to have to mourn and work through.

So...go me

Powered By Adult Toys Store

Cool flickr group

Found via the glories of http://goteaminternet.com/

Wow.

The money quote

Erick Erickson, editor of the popular conservative megablog RedState, conceded that progressives currently enjoy an advantage over conservatives online—though he attributed it to an asymmetry in free time, since conservatives "have families because we don't abort our kids, and we have jobs because we believe in capitalism."

Just. Floored.

Things get weird

One of Lala's friends died on Sunday. She was 37. From what I understand, it was a combination of things; mental health issues coupled with physical health issues, leading to...well death.

I had met this person a few times-really friendly and I liked her. Death comes to everyone, regardless of the quality of their personhood, but it just seems as though something fundamentally unfair happened here. As though she was sick, but her illness was not taken seriously enough.

I'm not sure. But it's one of those things; once it's done, it cannot be undone, and there's that gnawing sadness that comes with that.

Remember to let go

That is all.

Men becoming obsolete

I've been saying it for years; women do not need men anymore. A 60% increase in lesbianism, and men would become extinct. Because men are only needed for 2 things: sperm, and lifting heavy things.

Machines can lift heavy things. Sperm was a trick, but no longer.

Science is only just now proving me right.

Boys, be good to the women in your life. Just sayin'.

I couldn't even watch the whole thing

Good beer-really good beer-is slowly making it's way into the national consciousness. And I'm glad of that, but when I watch the video I link to I just feel the setback, like some kind of glacial momentum shift.

The dude acts like such a fucking douchebag, and the woman just seems to have this 'But I'm a girl I don't like beer' thing going on, with the subtext of cocksucking underneath it that...well, it's just a shame.

"Be careful, that beer is complex"
YOU ARE A DUMBASS

Nuking the site from orbit

I have a vasectomy scheduled for tomorrow.

This feels a little weird, because I'm making a choice that's quite final. Final choices always have more weight, and that weight is present in part because even though I never wanted to have kids, I did have the realization that I could have them, and it would be a good life.

That said; the idea of being a father scares me to death. I don't have a bad life, but I also am under no illusions that it's one that could support another human being. I guess what makes this event so weird is that I'm choosing between two fears, and I don't like either of them.

I also don't like the idea of something edged being taken to my testicles. I can't ever imagine a situation where I'm going to think that's good and hope for it.

As with so many things, the whole story is a little complicated. The lass at one point would've loved to be a mom. Now, the circumstances of her life compel her, as a smart, caring, wonderful person, to close that door. And she, she I'd have a family with; so it's bittersweet.

I was telling Rasta about it this last weekend, and what I said was, "This decision does not come without a little regret, but I think it's the best one."

I still do. I just think it's a little sad, too.

Grillin'

There's just a link. I liked it.

Weirdness

Had a really good weekend for the most part. My friend Rasta visited, and Fuz and I pretty much spoiled her rotten. It's nice to be able to treat your friends, when you can.

Saw Cloverfield, and thought it was a pretty solid film. Not the best thing ever, and sometimes hard to watch due to shaky cam issues, but well executed and a nice take on the Godzilla genre.

Sunday...I went out to meet up with some friends to watch football. In the middle of it, one couple got into a rather serious discussion, and it pretty much torqued the rest of the evening at the pub. It's weird to see people have out their relationship issues publicly, and gods know I'm guilty of having done that.

Why I love Fark

sigh

Remember: your depression isn't solved by discussion, it is solved by action.


It was a long night, in a way, and it had a lot of things to say to me that I wasn't alwasy happy to hear.

But, something must be done.

Also: Tights are not pants

Adaptabilty issues

When I make beer-and I am trying to do this at least once a month, if not more-sometimes, it comes out badly.
Fortunately, I can bring it to the Oregon Brew Crew for advice.

And, what I found out was that in the case of one beer, my willingness to swap one ingredient for another meant my beer tasted like death.

Sometimes, experimenting can really be awesome-but as with so many things, it helps to know what you're doing. Still, I'm glad I've fucked up, even though it was initially pretty disheartening, because I feel like I know more.

You can't win

I've been playing a lot of Scrabble lately. A friend of mine is on Facebook, and she's gotten me onto it, so we can play Scrabble.

I hate Scrabble. I like my friend, though. So I go.

I suck at Scrabble. Seriously. Just. Suck. My brain doesn't wrap around these puzzles. It's OK; not ever game is for every person. My head just doesn't get this game.
And of course, I'm playing someone who's good.

Perpetually losing at a game though, means that the game ceases to be entertaining. This is why it's so hard to keep people interested in a game like Magic; the learning curve is really high, and you lose a lot, frequently at random for reasons you don't understand. Even if you have a good teacher, (and while there might be schools for Scrabble, I haven't heard of them. Yes, I know there is a league and people who play seriously.) Magic can be a real bear to learn, because there are just so many decisions to make, and often so many ways to lose, instead of paths to win.

So if you can't win, what do you do?

You change the rules. My youngest sister is actually a genius at this kind of thing; playing Scrabble with her is irreverent and a hell of a lot more entertaining, although it does become a bit easier. But who cares? You get to play. Playing is a lot more fun than losing.

I'm now going to try and play my own game within a game. Winning the outer game is now irrelevant, because I already know it cannot be done. What the point of trying to win that game?

But the inner game. Ah; now this I might be able to win.

For example; I'm now going to have all my words equal a point value of 10. If I cannot devise a word with a 10 point value, I will either pass the turn, or trade in tiles.

Any other suggestions?

Just wanted to let anyone reading who I haven't told: my Dad's OK. He's tired, but he's been released from the hospital, and seems to be in pretty good spirits.

Ticket to immortality

So, with my Dad undergoing triple bypass surgery in T-4 hours, 45 minutes, I'm a little nervous.

Dad's had some real challenges in the past 10 years, and he's weathered them pretty well, but...I think he's lonely, and he's stuck in a job he loves in a city he absolutely hates. He knows he's getting older, too, in that way that people just know things about themselves, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

I don't want him to die. I just don't want him to have to keep suffering, either. I know that sounds a bit fucked up. I know that there are people who endure much more, and go on. But I don't want to see my Dad be sad all the goddamn time, and I don't want him to undergo this shit and just be miserable afterward.

He deserves a break. More than that; some good times, even. I'd like it if this turned things around in a really good way. Even if that good way isn't so awesome for me, if that makes sense.

Bring the pain, yo

I'd say I can't believe it, but I'm too jaded now.

Found out today Dad's going to have bypass surgery. This is not good.

Another stone to throw

I am aware that last night was not a disaster. But it sure fucked with me, personally.
I've been taking swing dance classes because the girlfriend loves to dance, and I'm old enough now that going into a room and doing something that won't kill me isn't so embarrassing and fucked up. I could do this, you know?

But as it turns out, I am not a very good dancer. I mean this from as detached a place as I can get; my body just doesn't like to bend or flex in ways that are helpful to dancing. I can manage it with a certain level of adequacy; I don't step on anyone's toes, I can find the beat-or re-find it, if I lose it (which is often)-and generally keep time.

I'm really not so good at leading, though. When you dance, as the guy you're expected to take charge, to decide what gets done next, etc, etc. I am not so good at these things in a social sense, and dancing is entirely social. Yes, yes, I'm still learning all of this stuff, but I'm generally wracked with various forms of indecision, and in the meantime just keeping a beat. Which is boring-eventually my partner is going to wonder why she hasn't been turned, or something'd, you know?

But, I took the classes. They went pretty well, and I thought I had a handle on some stuff. I haven't been in class for a month, but last night was the first chance we had to go out dancing socially, instead of in a class. I was nervous, but I always am when I go into a new situation. It didn't help that I was a little grouchy beforehand, but I was trying to throw that off before we went in, because what's the fucking point in being grouchy?

Ugh. I just...I felt awful out there. My legs were stiff, I couldn't remember the moves, I actually bumped into the girlfriend during a move-something I'd never done before- and nothing seemed to flow.

Worse, everyone, and I mean this, everyone from the 60+yo man on down, was better than I was. Not just better as in; oh, this person is new but improving, that one has a few years under their belt, wow.

No. Everyone was like: I've been doing this since birth, and I'm insanely good at it. They were fast, they were smooth, they were well versed. Every man, every woman; good at it. I tried to follow some couples, to see if I could pick up on some of the moves, or just learn something, but it was really fast, and a lot more complex than what I'd learned.

I got to watch my girlfriend dance with a couple other people, and she got to actually dance, you know? Not clod around while your lead tries to figure his shit out. She looked like she was having a great time--and I don't begrudge her that at all. In addition to my lack of jealousy about these sorts of things, I'm really glad she got to dance, dance, if you take my meaning.

Didn't help so much on the shame factor, though. All I could think about was how much I sucked at all this, and pretty much sucked at life (I've been having to look for a new job-or at least prepare for one, write resume, look at ads, etc-and so we could cheerfully describe my general mood lately as blackhearted.) And, of course, then when I would go out there to dance again, all these terrible mindfucks are not helping me do any better...

Most awkward? I actually had to ask the girlfriend to dance. I don't mean this in a negative way; we'd take breaks between songs and such, but then she'd look at me like: are you going to ask me to dance? Then I have this panic moment; oh shit. I have to ask her to dance? Can't we just go out there and do it? I didn't come here to just hang out, right?

I avoided asking her to dance, pretty much the whole evening. I mean, we did it-but she would nudge me and I'd be noncommittal about it, and then we'd go.

So the whole thing probably felt to her like she was burdening me with this-which makes us less likely to go out and do it again.

But I don't want that! There's no way I'm ever going to be good at this, but I'd like to at least be decent enough (and not ashamed of my ability) to do this and have it work out OK. She likes to dance; I don't want to be the stick in the mud that keeps her from going and having fun.

When we left, she asked me how I was, because I looked, "really bummed out," which was the truth. But I didn't quite have the wherewithal to explain all this then; I just tried to put a good spin on it and say that things will be better next time. I don't actually feel like that, but they certainly can't feel any worse, because I had a good 40 minutes afterward of doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself and wishing I was dead. Then getting into bed and trying to curl up and dissolve into nothing. Then waking up at 3am and feeling depressed. Then wake up this morning and feel glum.

Now I finally am writing this all down-in public no less, and again, really, after last night's journaling-and it's still depressing. Not as bad as it was 12 hours ago, but not good, either. I don't know. I'm just trying to work it out.

I was wrong.

There's also going into a room full of experts as a beginner to rail on the ol' self esteem.

There is nothing like looking for work to make you feel worthless.

My brain hurts now

There's...there's just nothing to be said there.

Strange visions

Had a dream last night that I was in a cabin on a mountain, during an earthquake. Large red stones tumbled downhill as I too refuge in a doorway, and then thing seemed to slow as an enormous rock slowly moved, end over end, toward the house, with me waiting until the last moment to move out of the way. Possibly closest thing to a nightmare as I get.

Find out this morning that there was an earthquake in Cali. How about that?

I'm not afraid of a panda, I know karate!

That there should've been some last words.

Memory's Garden

There are times when it's not easy to remember that I've got it pretty good. That what I've been asked to let go of this year will not cripple me, and someone else needed it more.

There are times when it's hard to get out of my own head. To remember to do the (art) work because it seems to be the thing that keeps me from splitting my head open on the steering wheel. Blood stays inside. INSIDE.

Damn. I forgot my yogurt today.

What's also difficult to not fucking whine. Because who wants to hear it? I don't really want to put the effort out there to make my shit entertaining or interesting. I just want to be depressed, have a couple beers and a really good hamburger and fries somewhere semi-gloomy. I also want to rewind life to a situation that seemed happy, even if it wasn't entirely.

I thought it was. Then again, what I'm asking for there is self-deceit, and that way lies madness for certain.

I guess that it's good to realize that since happiness comes and goes, enjoy what is there, and don't set up camp in gloomyville.


All that said: I need to start taking some steps. I know, I know.

Kyöpelinvuori

For some reason, I'm glad I learned this today.

City Livin'

Saturday night, I was driving to the store to get meat. I like meat, it's tasty.

Anyway, I'm driving down Division to get to the store, passing by a porn theater. The theater is bland; a forest green everywhere except for the yellow sign with red lettering, telling you it's Oregon's Adult Theater, and then a pair of mirrored doors (think bad '90's highschool van) for accessibility. There are no posters outside, nor anything, really, to give the place personality, and as a result there is a vague sense of creepy about it. (I want to go in and check it out, though.) That Portland still has these anachronistic haunts pleases me to no end. I doubt they will last much longer, but that they're still here in the age of internet and DVD, this makes me smile.

Today, however, I was to get an Icing on the cake moment.

Outside on a white sheet of paper, was printed this announcement:
Bicycle parking indoors.

I love living in this city.

Dead Eyes

You get up some mornings. The clouds in the east look a little like sky turds. The rest of the heavenly expanse is a dull orange, or a flat gray-blue. It's nearing autumn.

The whispers of Dead Eyes start up. Some kind of tape looped backwards, it upswings in a strange tone, as though it's going forward, even though you're hearing it in reverse. The whisper rises, just a bit more, and then Justin Broderick hits his first ka-chung! of a note, except instead of guitar strings, I swear he's playing the cables that hold up the Golden Gate bridge. The sound is HUGE, and he must be swinging a Thor level hammer to get that chime out.

Ka-CHUNNNNNGGGGGG

Then it hits again.
WA-CHUNNNNGGGGG
and the drums beat at the same time the bass is in there somewhere-for all I know, the guitar is the damned bass, but by now either you're in, or you don't get it at all.

The reverse loop rises, and the drummer fills in the spaces between hammerstringing, then you hear it. That faded, e-warbled voice. It's fuzzy, like a bad comb; no truly identifiable words are coming out of that mouth. It's the goodbye at the airport, Spock asking if the ship is out of danger, the breakup after all hope is lost, and you both know it. The words are vapor. The meaning still gets to you.

This is Dead Eyes. The air around you thickens, as though snow and gloom have combined to sludge your progress. The voice is your beacon, but it's not one that is telling you that things are going to be OK. The ground shudders under the weight of all that is doomed.

Hammerstrings fade, finally, the voice says his last. The reverse whisper starts to go quiet, the eye of the storm has approached...

Until a low, electronic, guttural tone is thrown from a machine surely belched from hell, and then Broderick is suddenly smashing the strings like a black door that must be opened, like the violet sun from claws of darkness, there is the rising, and FUCK YES every song should end like this, should have this Unfuckwithability, the countertone to the howling hammerstringing is almost barely noticeable, but it's SO THERE, and with the four pings upward, reaching higher the whole song makes sense. The hammer chords stop, cut as though the tone was killed. Then it fades out, the reverse whispers drifting away, a wraith on the bog.

I wonder why people listen to Coldplay. Ever. Even for a second.

Long week, no lunch break

All my predictions about the week sucking?
Very True.

And I currently want to punch the guy who created the 'Reply All' button in email. FUCK.

frustration

the pain, I feel it.

Suck

For work related reasons, today is going to suck like a black hole.

iTheology

For the last year I've been helping my girlfriend take care of her two darling/devilish children. Today the experience culminated in this thought: The fact that more parents aren't alcoholics proves, to me, the existence of God.

new sound waves

I think DM will dig this.