I'm sorry, but should she ring a bell? I'm merely asking, as I am terrible with names/faces, and I don't recall her…but perhaps that's because I'm terrible with names/faces.
Let me clarify…I am sorry that she died, whoever she is/was. My comment may have come off as being slightly elitist/cold–"And I should care because…?" could be read behind what I wrote, though that was not my intent.
On a more interesting note, it seems that death makes all polite, reverent, and desirous that we be understood to have conveyed the proper respect. Not that this is a bad thing…just an interesting one.
I know this girl. She was my roommate for a short time in college. I don't know why, but I was thinking about her and googled her yesterday, only to find the death notice. I've been trying to find more information. Can someone please tell me how she died? I am very surprised by this news.
Hello, I likewise am an old friend of Aimees. Did you ever find out how she passed away, or any other details. like how her daughter is. This is unbelievable. Thanks
Quite sadly Aimee committed suicide. That really makes it more difficult to fathom. Especially when you see the pictures of someone young and smiling, apparently happy. I'm sure that we all know, to a degree, the social masks that we humans hide behind. I wish that she'd known who to talk to, who to ask, for the help to get her through the pain that life can bring.
hello every one..........if tom reads this i would like to say that this is tricna. i am doing fine just very very sad and cant stop thinking about her i loved her and i miss her and it is so hard not to see her and talk to her i wish i could just see her one last time but i cant and sometimes i feel like i am going to die or even commit suicide myself but i think about her and i cant. i love you thanks for trying :)
hello..........tom if you read this i need to tell you that this is tricna.......and tell you that i am ok. i loved her and miss her very much and the thing that happened to my mom was that i moved to spokane and barely go to see her......she was 5 years behind on her taxes.......was addicted to drugs.....ect. she didnt have her shit together but i feel like that was my fault because i needed her and she needed me. when she died i thought i was going to die....i miss her so much.... and i am sure she loved you with all her heart......i love you to good luck
Hi Tricna, it's Kevin. I sincerely hope your doing OK, sweetie. I can only imagine your loss, but I can tell you that your Mom LOVED YOU with all her heart. Your Mom had a very, very difficult childhood, one that many of us can only imagine. She never had the loving and nurturing environment to grow up in that we take for granted. But despite this, she remained strong for many years and brought joy and happiness to everyone she met. She was a very strong, beautiful soul of a woman who had everything going against her and still managed to be forgiving and thoughtful and think of others before herself. I know she NEVER wanted to hurt you and she wants you to forgive her mistake and make her proud, Tricna. Her passing is most definitely NOT YOUR FAULT. You can be very proud of your Mom and know that she made the world a better place while she was here. She was a very special, unique, beautiful woman whom I still love and think of everyday, even three years later. I wish you the best.
There aren't words to describe how surreal it is to visit this blog site. I knew Aimee...I was involved with her about 15 years ago...and I'm still trying to understand it. I've been to this blog site many times now over the last year- trying to come up with something intelligent to add. I obviously haven't done that. As many have already said: Aimee seemed to radiate light, despite the challenges she faced. Looking into her eyes was amazing. Anyone who's ever done it will know what I mean. We are all hurting over her loss. She called me a couple of times at work before I left Spokane. I don't recall where she was calling from but she did talk about her daughter and how positively it had effected her life. I wish I could do something more...besides wishing.
Aimee and I dated in my twenties for a short time and although we drove each other crazy I will never forget her. When she wanted to she could make you feel like you are the only person in the world who counted and any one who really new her could agree. I am not sure why years later I am saying this here but she has never really left my memory and I think I will always look back upon that summer as one of the best times in my life. Rest in Peace love! I hope and pray for her beautiful daughter Tricna. I pray blessings upon your life and hope nothing for the best for you. If there is ever something I can do just say the word.
Please delete my last comment and post this revised, more sensitive one;) -----------------------------------
GRIEVING A LOVE LOST or
PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER
PRIDE AND DENIAL OF PAIN: I’ve been running away from, numbing myself, and avoiding dealing with my grief, thinking I’ll just get “over” it in time. My pride told me “I’m too strong, I’ve always been the one my friends and she leaned on in need, I refuse to let this change me, or truly feel the pain, let alone express it”, and “She’s gone, be a man, get over it”. But I now know and accept that suicide grief is uniquely painful, and must be confronted and dealt with in order for me to get on with my life. By avoiding it, I’ve been feeling weak, numb, scared, damaged and a failure for 3 years, BUT NOT ANYMORE. I hope you never have to experience what I’ve been through, but I want to thank you all for being there for me to express my emotions again, I brought them back out of the closet, and it helps to see them in writing and communicated to others.
GUILT AND AVOIDANCE: The suicide of my love caused me such extreme, traumatic heartache that I simply couldn’t deal with it. My head was spinning and my heart torn between intense rage, pain, confusion, loss, and shame and just shut down. Emotional Overload!!! I WANTED TO KILL those responsible for hurting her!!!! I was reeling inside, MY HEART WAS SHATTERED!!! I couldn’t grasp the fact that she was actually gone FOREVER?!? Why couldn’t I have been patient with her for one more day??? IF ONLY I WOULD HAVE KNOWN SHE WAS IN SUCH CATASTROPHIC PAIN, I WOULD HAVE................ To simplify, picture your emotional view of your life as a stained-glass window, each color being an emotion: red anger here, yellow joy there, blue sadness there, black shame over there, all separate but complimenting each other to form a bigger, coherent picture. You might be here or there, but almost always in only one color at any given time. The news of her suicide was like an explosion and intense fire that shattered and melted them together. My sense of trust was destroyed, I built a “wall” to hide behind and protect me from any more pain, nobody new was getting in to possibly hurt me again, especially not a woman. Because she did it within a day of our massive falling out and my utter collapse of patience (which I now realize was actually the justified self-defense of my sanity), the “Why?, What if I had…?, Why didn’t she…?, and Why me?” haunted me with intense guilt flashbacks until last month. And let me tell you “GUILT IS A BITCH”!!! I avoided meeting new people and trusting them and letting them in as friends, and didn’t dare risk dating again from the combination of shame and failure, (If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love another), my still being in love with her (in life, I promised her I wouldn’t abandon her), and the fear of being hurt or hurting someone again. They say love hurts, but luckily, not many of us experience the pain of kissing our lover’s cold, lifeless body and realizing “She did that to herself?!?” I WAS DEVASTATED that I would NEVER see her smile, hear her laugh, make dinner together, caress her cheek, dance with her, make love with her, or carry her to bed after she fell asleep on my lap. SHE WAS GONE, no coming back, no apology, no reconciliation, no explanation, no closure.
Then depression set in from there. I lost interest in things I used to enjoy doing, growing and having new experiences, and living life in general. In case you aren’t aware, we each have a little light inside that makes us want to get out of bed everyday and enjoy life. The pain and depression that followed her death almost blew mine out, it went very dim, but I kept it glowing by picking up hurt friend’s spirits, helping others, and making people smile, that gave me a sense of purpose and a reason to go on, but I wasn’t dealing with my true grief and guilt inside.
I mourned her loss for a year, but that was naïve to think I could put a deadline on my pain. Mourning is formal, but grieving is what goes on inside. At times, I simply didn’t care anymore, fatalistically thinking, “I had experienced intense, passionate love and tragically lost it, what else is there worth making an effort towards?” While I was lost in my pain, my friends and life kept on going. I was stuck in neutral while the world passed me by. To make things worse, many friends moved away during this time and my alcohol consumption easily doubled to numb the pain and loneliness. I wasn’t having a couple of drinks to relax after work like before, now I was having six to ten trying to erase/numb/forget the pain. I thought I was ready and came back after a year, but I never really sorted out my fused emotions. I was simply tired of being lonely and sad. And I now realize I had lost my self-identity and appetite for life from the depression, (the facade I portrayed to the world remained intact, but no longer was I strong, confident, helpful, independent Kevin, now secretly inside I was a scared, lonely, confused, and isolated victim of a tragedy).
I was stuck in this sort of limbo or Catch-22. The guilt and loneliness made me uncomfortable by myself; my peace of mind was gone. So I went out every night to avoid myself and be around others, but I felt isolated from them because they obviously had no idea of the scale of what I was feeling inside, “How could they relate?” I didn’t want to bother my friends (“You’re still not over that?!?”) or trust new people and risk being judged (“What’s with the sensitive weirdo?” or “His girlfriend killed herself, he’s damaged goods.”). I WAS LOST and began latching onto my remaining friends and trying to fit in with their worlds and interests, but I had lost my own world and interests.
It came to me as I was out late one night with friends in October, almost exactly 5 years from the day of my first date with Aimee. Because she took herself away from me so permanently and without closure, and I still loved her, I realized I had been wandering about and wanting “her” back in the form of someone else, as if to pick up where we left off!?! BUT THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!! It sunk in that I was unhappy with my life, with dealing with shallow people and their immature games, and was not allowing myself to have a meaningful relationship of my own. I missed her and the warmth I shared with her so much, that I was overcome with a massive guilt/pain attack and had to go home and release some pain through tears and remembering her. But unlike a usual attack, I couldn’t shake this guilt off as an entire week passed by, and I finally reached the point of being sick of feeling guilty, and realized I had to confront my pain and find a way to have closure with her loss.
Oddly enough, the reassurance and key to healing I needed came to me as I was remembering her and reading a letter she had written to me. We were having a rocky time and she wanted to mend it and honestly told me her feelings about our relationship, but these two passages now stood out, "I really want to be happy with my life and proud of it. I have worked really hard to get where I am. I have gotten over playing a victim to have a better life." and "If I held onto all the things people had done to me and carry it over into my relationships, I would be very lonely. I was for a long time, I didn't trust people, which makes getting close to people and having awesome bonding, long-lasting relationships not possible." Voila!!! The answer was right in front of me all along and it came from her of all people!?!
ANGER AND RELEASE: I realize now that I was refusing to accept how her death affected me, and I was stopping myself from growing by not dealing with the experience, almost like I wanted to forget it and go back to my old self, as if it never happened. From the combination of my realizing my lack of confidence (from living behind the “wall”), and lack of closure with her from trying to show affection for someone new, and the conviction to no longer be a victim, (it sounds crazy), it came to me that I had to “break up” with her ghost. And to make it even crazier, because she unintentionally caused me such intense pain with her death, (and I since I can’t hurt her anymore, I decided it was time to hit back), I had to yell and scream at a dead rape victim?!? My anger and its release were so intense (I was shaken for at least a week) that I felt immediately stronger for confronting my pain and not being scared anymore. I had to unleash all the emotions I kept bottled up for three years, and though I don’t like to use it, there’s no other emotion like anger if you want to unleash. I still felt some anger “aftershocks”, but they were directed at the rapists and other sick fucks who hurt her, I’m not really angry at her.
I still and will always miss her, but I stopped carrying her pain, let her go, and the guilt is forever gone, I finally convinced myself that I did everything I could at the time to be a source of strength for my extremely damaged soulmate, and I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. All of you told me that (thank you), but you couldn't really understand the depth of my pain, so it didn't really matter until I made myself realize that. I’m done using the diagnoses of PTSD and Depression as crutches. They’re real conditions, but can be discarded through will power. Mind over matter.
REST, HEALING, AND RECLAMATION: The devastated ruins of my emotional identity had to be taken apart, analyzed and made sense of to find peace, and then rebuilt anew and shared to regain trust and conquer fear and shame. The shards of glass have been separated, sorted and reassembled into a new coherent picture. This process of soul-searching has been truly exhausting, but I feel stronger and more liberated from the past with each new sentence I share. The “wall” is coming down. I have experienced and am overcoming one of life’s greatest emotional challenges, and once fully healed, I can bring that experience and strength to my next relationships and friends. For the first time in 3 years, I feel like I'm "single" and getting over a relationship, as opposed to being a "widower", or "my girlfriend killed herself, I don’t date anymore", it's a little weird, but I finally let her go (which also made me feel strangely alone, but not in a bad way;) I finally want to heal, live life and feel love again.
You all have been very supportive, and even though you can't really understand, it greatly helps when I try to explain it and some of you kind of get it. My self-confidence is returning to greater than pre-tragedy levels, my patience has grown significantly, as has my ability to forgive. My ability to read others' emotions and communicate has grown as well. I'm no longer ashamed of her death, or my feelings and ability to express them, I feel more open, honest and stronger inside than ever before. Love hurt me once like few pains felt on earth, but I'm done being scared of being hurt, judged or loving again. I've been scared of getting hurt again, but honestly, the only person that can possibly hurt me anymore is myself. And I’ll make sure that when I do hurt others, I’ll try to be as gentle as possible. The light's still glowing, and with some well-deserved rest, it'll be back to its old steady, healthy intensity. I’ve got too big of a heart to not share it with someone, and life's too short to not pursue happiness and share it with others;)
GRATITUDE, HOPE, AND… Each of you has helped in your own way to comfort me, challenge me, and guide me through this and find closure and peace of mind. Mom and Dad, you set my bar wonderfully damn high as an example of compromise, teamwork, and how a relationship CAN work, and your undying love. Eric and Jess, my little brother and new little sister, you were there from the moment tragedy struck and took me in when I was evicted through no fault of my own and left homeless at the weakest, most confused state in my life. Hess, you have been my longest-running, best communicating friend, you took me away from the situation to the coast when I needed to get my head clear after her death, and have always been my most grounded, solid, and clear-headed friend. CC, you comforted and listened to me immediately after her death, and have been an ever-reliable “sister” when I need to vent or talk without being judged. DSnack and Suja, you are truly my “sisters from other misters”, I’ve always valued your companionship, honesty, and support, you always bring compelling conversation and a welcome smile to my face. LisaP, your insight, understanding, and eloquence in the art of compassion are unrivaled, we “rocks” need each other every now and then, and if we’re not even now, I definitely owe you. SwissMiss, funny, you were there when I met Aimee, and there when I had my massive attack, and gave me the perspective, the sense of not being alone, and strength to overcome this. Kathy, you are and always have been my “second mother”, I won’t be so distant now that I’ve embraced life again. Shawn, thank you for your advice and support, we are indeed “brothers” in our sharing the pain of her loss. Tricna, I would be honored to be your godfather, make your mom proud, sweetheart; SHE LOVED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. Bubbles, you showed me just how “affected” I was, how far my confidence had fallen from my irrational fear of hurting another woman’s feelings, and you also provided the spark I needed to make me realize what I had to do, my sincere invitation goes out to you to be the newest person I can call my friend. I owe all of you thanks, and if there is ever a time you need help, consolation, advice, perspective, or a laugh, I’m always here for you, and I’ve been around the block and learned a few things.
You see, her death wasn’t in vain. She’d been through a hell like none of us could ever imagine. Life dealt her the worst hand possible, but still she managed to be positive, loving, forgiving, thoughtful, and radiant to everyone she met for years. And we bonded so intensely, that I absorbed those attributes. She took all the brunt of her unimaginable pain and took it to a peaceful place, but I’M STILL HERE, and can take what I’ve absorbed of her strength and perseverance in addition to mine, and share it with others. Her positive spirit lives on through me and everyone else whose lives she touched. I'm better and stronger and I’M BACK!!!!!!!
Thank you all for your help;) I love each and every one of you;) K
I don't know why I thought to look at this today, but I am glad I did. Carol and I miss you Aimee. Tricna, if you read this, and remember us...hello. We hope you are doing well. You were a small, big part of our lives years ago. Happy holidays!!
Wow, years ago I found this blog post and today I returned to find such genuine thoughts. Kevin, thanks so much for sharing that. And Tricna, it's so nice to hear from you as well. Your mom made quite an impact on the world. Hope all is well with you. I met you when you were maybe 4 years old. Soooo cute. Hope your dad is good too and take care.
Hello, this is James. I do not know if you remember me but I knew you since I shared times with your mother. I knew Aimee since 1995 and she was one of my closest and best friends in my life and heart. I recall many times when we would talk for hours and share our lives and thoughts about the past, present and future. She was one of the few I truly trusted and her departure has affected me deeply. To this day I miss her so much.
I just wanted you to know the time before she left, she contacted me and I was on my way over to her because she was troubled that day. Her words to me were of a deep love for you. I found this blog and decided to write. She told me her concerns and her plans to get out of the negativity and her light was you and that all she wanted was happiness for you and love. I have carried this memory for years. Please contact me if you wish to talk more. Djterminus@aol.com
Tom, I hope you are well, it's been years. Shawn, I also hope you are well.
I will never forget one of my closest and best friend and her truly compassionate life and love that she shared with me, always shining brightly in dark and light times.
Never forget those that are special in our lives. For this is our temple, our love.
To the blog owner, thank you for this medium of contact.
suchory rsadiI have not forgotten, thus I am posting a track I dedicated to her. May she rest in peace. Tricna, may her soul guide you. We will never forget the bright light that illuminated us.
19 comments:
I'm sorry, but should she ring a bell? I'm merely asking, as I am terrible with names/faces, and I don't recall her…but perhaps that's because I'm terrible with names/faces.
Let me clarify…I am sorry that she died, whoever she is/was. My comment may have come off as being slightly elitist/cold–"And I should care because…?" could be read behind what I wrote, though that was not my intent.
On a more interesting note, it seems that death makes all polite, reverent, and desirous that we be understood to have conveyed the proper respect. Not that this is a bad thing…just an interesting one.
I know this girl. She was my roommate for a short time in college. I don't know why, but I was thinking about her and googled her yesterday, only to find the death notice. I've been trying to find more information. Can someone please tell me how she died? I am very surprised by this news.
Hello, I likewise am an old friend of Aimees. Did you ever find out how she passed away, or any other details. like how her daughter is. This is unbelievable. Thanks
Quite sadly Aimee committed suicide. That really makes it more difficult to fathom. Especially when you see the pictures of someone young and smiling, apparently happy. I'm sure that we all know, to a degree, the social masks that we humans hide behind. I wish that she'd known who to talk to, who to ask, for the help to get her through the pain that life can bring.
triplet13 -- If you email me from my profile page with your contact info I can get it to Shawn.
Thanks a.ho. Really appreciate the info and all the best to her friends and family (and yours). Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
hello every one..........if tom reads this i would like to say that this is tricna. i am doing fine just very very sad and cant stop thinking about her i loved her and i miss her and it is so hard not to see her and talk to her i wish i could just see her one last time but i cant and sometimes i feel like i am going to die or even commit suicide myself but i think about her and i cant. i love you thanks for trying :)
hello..........tom if you read this i need to tell you that this is tricna.......and tell you that i am ok. i loved her and miss her very much and the thing that happened to my mom was that i moved to spokane and barely go to see her......she was 5 years behind on her taxes.......was addicted to drugs.....ect. she didnt have her shit together but i feel like that was my fault because i needed her and she needed me. when she died i thought i was going to die....i miss her so much.... and i am sure she loved you with all her heart......i love you to good luck
Hi Tricna, it's Kevin. I sincerely hope your doing OK, sweetie. I can only imagine your loss, but I can tell you that your Mom LOVED YOU with all her heart. Your Mom had a very, very difficult childhood, one that many of us can only imagine. She never had the loving and nurturing environment to grow up in that we take for granted. But despite this, she remained strong for many years and brought joy and happiness to everyone she met. She was a very strong, beautiful soul of a woman who had everything going against her and still managed to be forgiving and thoughtful and think of others before herself. I know she NEVER wanted to hurt you and she wants you to forgive her mistake and make her proud, Tricna. Her passing is most definitely NOT YOUR FAULT. You can be very proud of your Mom and know that she made the world a better place while she was here. She was a very special, unique, beautiful woman whom I still love and think of everyday, even three years later. I wish you the best.
There aren't words to describe how surreal it is to visit this blog site. I knew Aimee...I was involved with her about 15 years ago...and I'm still trying to understand it. I've been to this blog site many times now over the last year- trying to come up with something intelligent to add. I obviously haven't done that. As many have already said: Aimee seemed to radiate light, despite the challenges she faced. Looking into her eyes was amazing. Anyone who's ever done it will know what I mean. We are all hurting over her loss. She called me a couple of times at work before I left Spokane. I don't recall where she was calling from but she did talk about her daughter and how positively it had effected her life. I wish I could do something more...besides wishing.
Aimee and I dated in my twenties for a short time and although we drove each other crazy I will never forget her. When she wanted to she could make you feel like you are the only person in the world who counted and any one who really new her could agree. I am not sure why years later I am saying this here but she has never really left my memory and I think I will always look back upon that summer as one of the best times in my life.
Rest in Peace love!
I hope and pray for her beautiful daughter Tricna. I pray blessings upon your life and hope nothing for the best for you. If there is ever something I can do just say the word.
Eric
ericdgomez@gmail.com
Please delete my last comment and post this revised, more sensitive one;)
-----------------------------------
GRIEVING A LOVE LOST
or
PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER
PRIDE AND DENIAL OF PAIN:
I’ve been running away from, numbing myself, and avoiding dealing with my grief, thinking I’ll just get “over” it in time. My pride told me “I’m too strong, I’ve always been the one my friends and she leaned on in need, I refuse to let this change me, or truly feel the pain, let alone express it”, and “She’s gone, be a man, get over it”. But I now know and accept that suicide grief is uniquely painful, and must be confronted and dealt with in order for me to get on with my life. By avoiding it, I’ve been feeling weak, numb, scared, damaged and a failure for 3 years, BUT NOT ANYMORE. I hope you never have to experience what I’ve been through, but I want to thank you all for being there for me to express my emotions again, I brought them back out of the closet, and it helps to see them in writing and communicated to others.
GUILT AND AVOIDANCE:
The suicide of my love caused me such extreme, traumatic heartache that I simply couldn’t deal with it. My head was spinning and my heart torn between intense rage, pain, confusion, loss, and shame and just shut down. Emotional Overload!!! I WANTED TO KILL those responsible for hurting her!!!! I was reeling inside, MY HEART WAS SHATTERED!!! I couldn’t grasp the fact that she was actually gone FOREVER?!? Why couldn’t I have been patient with her for one more day??? IF ONLY I WOULD HAVE KNOWN SHE WAS IN SUCH CATASTROPHIC PAIN, I WOULD HAVE................
To simplify, picture your emotional view of your life as a stained-glass window, each color being an emotion: red anger here, yellow joy there, blue sadness there, black shame over there, all separate but complimenting each other to form a bigger, coherent picture. You might be here or there, but almost always in only one color at any given time. The news of her suicide was like an explosion and intense fire that shattered and melted them together. My sense of trust was destroyed, I built a “wall” to hide behind and protect me from any more pain, nobody new was getting in to possibly hurt me again, especially not a woman. Because she did it within a day of our massive falling out and my utter collapse of patience (which I now realize was actually the justified self-defense of my sanity), the “Why?, What if I had…?, Why didn’t she…?, and Why me?” haunted me with intense guilt flashbacks until last month. And let me tell you “GUILT IS A BITCH”!!! I avoided meeting new people and trusting them and letting them in as friends, and didn’t dare risk dating again from the combination of shame and failure, (If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love another), my still being in love with her (in life, I promised her I wouldn’t abandon her), and the fear of being hurt or hurting someone again. They say love hurts, but luckily, not many of us experience the pain of kissing our lover’s cold, lifeless body and realizing “She did that to herself?!?” I WAS DEVASTATED that I would NEVER see her smile, hear her laugh, make dinner together, caress her cheek, dance with her, make love with her, or carry her to bed after she fell asleep on my lap. SHE WAS GONE, no coming back, no apology, no reconciliation, no explanation, no closure.
Then depression set in from there. I lost interest in things I used to enjoy doing, growing and having new experiences, and living life in general. In case you aren’t aware, we each have a little light inside that makes us want to get out of bed everyday and enjoy life. The pain and depression that followed her death almost blew mine out, it went very dim, but I kept it glowing by picking up hurt friend’s spirits, helping others, and making people smile, that gave me a sense of purpose and a reason to go on, but I wasn’t dealing with my true grief and guilt inside.
I mourned her loss for a year, but that was naïve to think I could put a deadline on my pain. Mourning is formal, but grieving is what goes on inside. At times, I simply didn’t care anymore, fatalistically thinking, “I had experienced intense, passionate love and tragically lost it, what else is there worth making an effort towards?” While I was lost in my pain, my friends and life kept on going. I was stuck in neutral while the world passed me by. To make things worse, many friends moved away during this time and my alcohol consumption easily doubled to numb the pain and loneliness. I wasn’t having a couple of drinks to relax after work like before, now I was having six to ten trying to erase/numb/forget the pain. I thought I was ready and came back after a year, but I never really sorted out my fused emotions. I was simply tired of being lonely and sad. And I now realize I had lost my self-identity and appetite for life from the depression, (the facade I portrayed to the world remained intact, but no longer was I strong, confident, helpful, independent Kevin, now secretly inside I was a scared, lonely, confused, and isolated victim of a tragedy).
I was stuck in this sort of limbo or Catch-22. The guilt and loneliness made me uncomfortable by myself; my peace of mind was gone. So I went out every night to avoid myself and be around others, but I felt isolated from them because they obviously had no idea of the scale of what I was feeling inside, “How could they relate?” I didn’t want to bother my friends (“You’re still not over that?!?”) or trust new people and risk being judged (“What’s with the sensitive weirdo?” or “His girlfriend killed herself, he’s damaged goods.”). I WAS LOST and began latching onto my remaining friends and trying to fit in with their worlds and interests, but I had lost my own world and interests.
It came to me as I was out late one night with friends in October, almost exactly 5 years from the day of my first date with Aimee. Because she took herself away from me so permanently and without closure, and I still loved her, I realized I had been wandering about and wanting “her” back in the form of someone else, as if to pick up where we left off!?! BUT THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!! It sunk in that I was unhappy with my life, with dealing with shallow people and their immature games, and was not allowing myself to have a meaningful relationship of my own. I missed her and the warmth I shared with her so much, that I was overcome with a massive guilt/pain attack and had to go home and release some pain through tears and remembering her. But unlike a usual attack, I couldn’t shake this guilt off as an entire week passed by, and I finally reached the point of being sick of feeling guilty, and realized I had to confront my pain and find a way to have closure with her loss.
Oddly enough, the reassurance and key to healing I needed came to me as I was remembering her and reading a letter she had written to me. We were having a rocky time and she wanted to mend it and honestly told me her feelings about our relationship, but these two passages now stood out, "I really want to be happy with my life and proud of it. I have worked really hard to get where I am. I have gotten over playing a victim to have a better life." and "If I held onto all the things people had done to me and carry it over into my relationships, I would be very lonely. I was for a long time, I didn't trust people, which makes getting close to people and having awesome bonding, long-lasting relationships not possible." Voila!!! The answer was right in front of me all along and it came from her of all people!?!
ANGER AND RELEASE:
I realize now that I was refusing to accept how her death affected me, and I was stopping myself from growing by not dealing with the experience, almost like I wanted to forget it and go back to my old self, as if it never happened. From the combination of my realizing my lack of confidence (from living behind the “wall”), and lack of closure with her from trying to show affection for someone new, and the conviction to no longer be a victim, (it sounds crazy), it came to me that I had to “break up” with her ghost. And to make it even crazier, because she unintentionally caused me such intense pain with her death, (and I since I can’t hurt her anymore, I decided it was time to hit back), I had to yell and scream at a dead rape victim?!? My anger and its release were so intense (I was shaken for at least a week) that I felt immediately stronger for confronting my pain and not being scared anymore. I had to unleash all the emotions I kept bottled up for three years, and though I don’t like to use it, there’s no other emotion like anger if you want to unleash. I still felt some anger “aftershocks”, but they were directed at the rapists and other sick fucks who hurt her, I’m not really angry at her.
I still and will always miss her, but I stopped carrying her pain, let her go, and the guilt is forever gone, I finally convinced myself that I did everything I could at the time to be a source of strength for my extremely damaged soulmate, and I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. All of you told me that (thank you), but you couldn't really understand the depth of my pain, so it didn't really matter until I made myself realize that. I’m done using the diagnoses of PTSD and Depression as crutches. They’re real conditions, but can be discarded through will power. Mind over matter.
REST, HEALING, AND RECLAMATION:
The devastated ruins of my emotional identity had to be taken apart, analyzed and made sense of to find peace, and then rebuilt anew and shared to regain trust and conquer fear and shame. The shards of glass have been separated, sorted and reassembled into a new coherent picture. This process of soul-searching has been truly exhausting, but I feel stronger and more liberated from the past with each new sentence I share. The “wall” is coming down. I have experienced and am overcoming one of life’s greatest emotional challenges, and once fully healed, I can bring that experience and strength to my next relationships and friends. For the first time in 3 years, I feel like I'm "single" and getting over a relationship, as opposed to being a "widower", or "my girlfriend killed herself, I don’t date anymore", it's a little weird, but I finally let her go (which also made me feel strangely alone, but not in a bad way;) I finally want to heal, live life and feel love again.
You all have been very supportive, and even though you can't really understand, it greatly helps when I try to explain it and some of you kind of get it. My self-confidence is returning to greater than pre-tragedy levels, my patience has grown significantly, as has my ability to forgive. My ability to read others' emotions and communicate has grown as well. I'm no longer ashamed of her death, or my feelings and ability to express them, I feel more open, honest and stronger inside than ever before. Love hurt me once like few pains felt on earth, but I'm done being scared of being hurt, judged or loving again. I've been scared of getting hurt again, but honestly, the only person that can possibly hurt me anymore is myself. And I’ll make sure that when I do hurt others, I’ll try to be as gentle as possible. The light's still glowing, and with some well-deserved rest, it'll be back to its old steady, healthy intensity. I’ve got too big of a heart to not share it with someone, and life's too short to not pursue happiness and share it with others;)
GRATITUDE, HOPE, AND…
Each of you has helped in your own way to comfort me, challenge me, and guide me through this and find closure and peace of mind. Mom and Dad, you set my bar wonderfully damn high as an example of compromise, teamwork, and how a relationship CAN work, and your undying love. Eric and Jess, my little brother and new little sister, you were there from the moment tragedy struck and took me in when I was evicted through no fault of my own and left homeless at the weakest, most confused state in my life. Hess, you have been my longest-running, best communicating friend, you took me away from the situation to the coast when I needed to get my head clear after her death, and have always been my most grounded, solid, and clear-headed friend. CC, you comforted and listened to me immediately after her death, and have been an ever-reliable “sister” when I need to vent or talk without being judged. DSnack and Suja, you are truly my “sisters from other misters”, I’ve always valued your companionship, honesty, and support, you always bring compelling conversation and a welcome smile to my face. LisaP, your insight, understanding, and eloquence in the art of compassion are unrivaled, we “rocks” need each other every now and then, and if we’re not even now, I definitely owe you. SwissMiss, funny, you were there when I met Aimee, and there when I had my massive attack, and gave me the perspective, the sense of not being alone, and strength to overcome this. Kathy, you are and always have been my “second mother”, I won’t be so distant now that I’ve embraced life again. Shawn, thank you for your advice and support, we are indeed “brothers” in our sharing the pain of her loss. Tricna, I would be honored to be your godfather, make your mom proud, sweetheart; SHE LOVED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. Bubbles, you showed me just how “affected” I was, how far my confidence had fallen from my irrational fear of hurting another woman’s feelings, and you also provided the spark I needed to make me realize what I had to do, my sincere invitation goes out to you to be the newest person I can call my friend. I owe all of you thanks, and if there is ever a time you need help, consolation, advice, perspective, or a laugh, I’m always here for you, and I’ve been around the block and learned a few things.
You see, her death wasn’t in vain. She’d been through a hell like none of us could ever imagine. Life dealt her the worst hand possible, but still she managed to be positive, loving, forgiving, thoughtful, and radiant to everyone she met for years. And we bonded so intensely, that I absorbed those attributes. She took all the brunt of her unimaginable pain and took it to a peaceful place, but I’M STILL HERE, and can take what I’ve absorbed of her strength and perseverance in addition to mine, and share it with others. Her positive spirit lives on through me and everyone else whose lives she touched.
I'm better and stronger and
I’M BACK!!!!!!!
Thank you all for your help;)
I love each and every one of you;)
K
Save a Dance for Me Upstairs, My Beloved;)
I don't know why I thought to look at this today, but I am glad I did. Carol and I miss you Aimee. Tricna, if you read this, and remember us...hello. We hope you are doing well. You were a small, big part of our lives years ago. Happy holidays!!
Scott and Carol Decker
Wow, years ago I found this blog post and today I returned to find such genuine thoughts. Kevin, thanks so much for sharing that. And Tricna, it's so nice to hear from you as well. Your mom made quite an impact on the world. Hope all is well with you. I met you when you were maybe 4 years old. Soooo cute. Hope your dad is good too and take care.
Tricna,
Hello, this is James. I do not know if you remember me but I knew you since I shared times with your mother. I knew Aimee since 1995 and she was one of my closest and best friends in my life and heart. I recall many times when we would talk for hours and share our lives and thoughts about the past, present and future. She was one of the few I truly trusted and her departure has affected me deeply. To this day I miss her so much.
I just wanted you to know the time before she left, she contacted me and I was on my way over to her because she was troubled that day. Her words to me were of a deep love for you. I found this blog and decided to write. She told me her concerns and her plans to get out of the negativity and her light was you and that all she wanted was happiness for you and love. I have carried this memory for years. Please contact me if you wish to talk more. Djterminus@aol.com
Tom, I hope you are well, it's been years. Shawn, I also hope you are well.
I will never forget one of my closest and best friend and her truly compassionate life and love that she shared with me, always shining brightly in dark and light times.
Never forget those that are special in our lives. For this is our temple, our love.
To the blog owner, thank you for this medium of contact.
suchory rsadiI have not forgotten, thus I am posting a track I dedicated to her. May she rest in peace. Tricna, may her soul guide you. We will never forget the bright light that illuminated us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kj-p5DTnaM
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